Here comes the bride... again.

Went to another wedding on Sunday. The weather was awful, which worried me, since it was an outdoor wedding, but God heard my (our?) prayers and parted the clouds during the time that the ceremony should have been taking place. I say should have, because it was 2 hours late, due to technical problems.

It was a beautiful wedding, but something about it made me uneasy. You see, I am contrasting in my mind the last wedding I went to, which was J and K's. In that service, it was plain to see that they were madly in love with each other, but there was something pure and noble about it. They were there for a bigger reason than themselves. It really was all about God and what He had done and was doing in their lives... so sweet and beautiful.

This last wedding was beautiful, to be sure, but it lacked that same depth and transcendent joy. They were there for each other, and that was all, it seemed. Sure, they talked about God, but it didn't seem to mean much. It was just about people.

I seemed to see that the theme behind the vows and the songs (especially those of the bride) was that of "our love is true and will last forever; our love will never end, and will carry us through". That is the same mentality I had in my relationship with C, especially as things turned towards marriage. That is the same message that we are inundated with through movies, television, music (especially country music!), books, and on, and on, and on, and... while it's true that you need that love and commitment to make it through, isn't there something more? Shouldn't there be something more than just two people trying to make life work?

I've been thinking about relationships again. They're so... weighty. At times, it seems so minor, so inconsequential, and yet, that decision carries much weight. Who you marry determines a great deal of your future. I just don't want to make the wrong choice. As usual.

So I'll probably never get married, because I realize how intensely and thoroughly a romantic relationship can affect my life, and I don't want to make a mistake, so I'll just never get near enough to make a mistake, because I'm afraid of the consequences. I already came so close to "ruining my life". And I know that I have so much baggage and damage to work through. And I know that my past is going to affect the rest of my life--I will always be walking through my issues, in some way or another. Do I really want to inflict that upon someone else? It's hard enough to deal with on my own.


And yet... I also have eyes. I see what a beautiful, special thing God created that marital relationship to be, how fully a union can reflect His image, and how wonderfully He can heal and grow hurt hearts in that nourishing soil... and I yearn for that, deep inside. I crave it. I do want that, someday. Will I ever be ready?

"Let not your longing slay the appetite of your living." {Jim Elliot}

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