Mindless Drivel

I'm sorry I've not been around. One of my pet peeves is when a formerly vocal blog goes silent… but I have a good reason! I do! I'm just so beaten and battered with pain and other sickness symptoms that I haven't the energy to do anything more superficial than post amusing cat pictures on Facebook. Sorry.

I finally dug somewhere inside me and rooted out some of the conflicting feelings I have regarding my sickness with a few colored pencils in the wee hours of the morning. I may get better pictures up, I may not; there are no promises at this point.

I'm just hanging on with my fingernails right now, hanging on until Monday when I see the pain doc and hopefully get a change going, a change for the better… because I can't do this any longer. I am utterly shocked that I made it through this month with my sanity intact and with no attempts to harm myself. It goes to show how much intrinsic strength lies within me that I was unaware of. I think a great deal of credit lies with the acts of kindness and support that my friends and family showered me with, as well. They kept me sane and hopeful, like life rafts that I could cling to, one after another. There were two days this month that I had to call my grandparents to come get me because I was unable to care for myself at home while Drogo was at work, and by "unable" I don't mean "I don't wanna" (because there were plenty of those days!) but I mean physically unable because of the severity of my symptoms. The last one, I couldn't lift my hands above my hips due to pain. It was bad.

Anyway, the month has passed, even if it didn't feel as though it ever would, and I just have a few more days to go. I had a particularly bad flare a week ago (of which the last day at Gramma and Grampa's was part) so I had to take a few extra pills, which means I'm short about 3 now… so I have to figure out how to make it through to my appointment and deal with travel all while short on pills. Ugh. I don't regret it, though. I did what I had to do, and it was the right decision. Worst pain I've experienced yet, it was, and that's saying something. It was worse than the pain that's driven me to the ER in the past. I imagine I'll probably be liquoring myself up a bit over the next few days, as that won't trip the urine test I take at the pain clinic like taking some other sort of pain killer I could purchase off of someone else would. That would be devastating. If I thought I was sick now… *shudder* We're not even gonna go there.

That's all for now, kids. I'm done with typing and thinking. Back to the funny cat pictures and mindless drivel of Facebook, where I long to be. Hah.