Epiphany!

I called my mom earlier today, just to talk. We ended up talking about God, as usual. I was sharing some of my frustration and questions and whatnot, and she was asking questions and giving me answers, and all of a sudden it hit me...

I see God as just another G.

No joke.

(Yeah, the one I put in prison for molesting me. That one. *wince* Sorry, God!)

But I do. I mean, that was my father figure, I guess. That was my idea of "Daddy". That's what I called him- Daddy. For years. Even after the divorce. I called him by his name at the beginning of the marriage, and I call him by his name now... he doesn't deserve the title of "father", much less the endearment "daddy".

So what was G like?

Distant. Self-serving. Petulant. He paid sporadic attention to us kids, but mostly just ignored us, unless he was punishing us. (I got the brunt of that one.) Immature. VERY selfish. He wanted what he wanted and it didn't matter if it hurt anyone else. Egotistical.

And I remember trying SO hard to get him to like me, to pay attention to me, to approve of me... I watched him play video games. I remember sitting on his lap for hours at a time as he played Final Fantasy VI on the comp. He even named one of the girl characters after me, and I felt so special.

I became a Raiders, Dodgers, and Lakers fan. Please. I know nothing about sports, and I don't really care. But I do know that Earnhardt was my favorite NASCAR driver. Again, courtesy of G.

But he didn't care.

All he cared about was his agenda. 


After the divorce, when it was just Mom and K and I in our little one-bedroom apartment, he came over once. He lay on the floor, listening to Pink Floyd, the. entire. time. Of course, I sat on the floor next to him, showing him that, hey, I love Pink Floyd too! Love me! Please, love me! He ignored me.

Another time, he came by to pick up the two little ones once they had joint custody, and he lent me the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy set. Of course, I read the whole thing so that I could discuss it with him the next time he came. Why won't you love me?


It didn't matter. None of it mattered.

And that's how I feel with God. Vague. Distant. Like he's got his big old agenda to deal with, and he doesn't have time to deal with me, and I can't get him to like me anyway, so what's the point? (I know, I know that's not true, but this is how I feel, okay? These are the driving motives beneath my behavior.)

Like he doesn't enjoy me. Like I'm just... there. An inconvenience of sorts. Like I'm there to meet his needs and nothing else.

Which lends some explanation to why evangelism is so difficult for me. I feel like I'm being used, ignored, and punished, all at the same time! lol Like I'm just here to do what he says, and it doesn't matter how I feel, or what I think, or... anything. Because only his stuff is important. I feel I am of fleeting value.

G's punishments were totally out of proportion, and usually over trivial matters. I recall standing in the corner for well over an hour, simply because I didn't like the macaroni salad they served at the wedding shower and didn't want to eat it. Talk about a power trip. Then there was the board he spanked me with... or the belt... or the wooden clothes hanger... or the weekly starve sessions... or being sent to bed with no supper (but mom would sometimes sneak us food ^_^)... etc.

And I think God is like this? Motivated by the same self-serving, apathetic indifference? Just doing what he wants, because he can, and we just have to go along with it or we'll be punished?

In reality, I think God is more like my mom. I can talk to her about anything. Whereas G would ignore us as much as possible, Mom would literally die for one of us kids, or kill herself trying! ;)

She genuinely cares about me, and she believes in me like no one else. She told me today that I could never disappoint her by the choices I make, because her love will never diminish or go out. She may not like or agree with what I choose to do, but she still loves me.

She gives her best when it comes to her kids, whether that be talents, time, wisdom, help, etc. It may even mean withholding help, sometimes, because the kid needs to learn a lesson. But oh, man, does she love us. We are her life.

And when I told her that I see God as being a lot like G, she set me straight in a hurry! God is love, and love is not like that. He can't be like that. It's just not possible, because love is a totally different animal from what G was displaying.

I've never had to try to get Mom to like me, or even love me. She just automatically does. Heck, she's even proud of me! Wrap your mind around that one.

I have a difficult time transferring that idea of loving parent over to God, though, because truly... the freedom that would result from that way of relating to God would overwhelm me. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. It'd be like a cage-raised chicken being set loose on the prairie. FREAK. OUT.


But I begin to understand some of the resentment, fear, and mistrust of God. It makes sense, for I resent, fear, and mistrust G, too. No one likes being abused.