God won't protect you... or will he?

So I've really been mulling over this whole "protection and God" thing, because it really, really bugs me. I've been getting feedback from both sides-- "God never promised to protect us (think of the Natalie Grant song 'Held')", or... well.. actually, that's all I've gotten. The other side is me, saying "Yes he did! I could have sworn he did!"

So I started reading Job again.

I used to love Job.

Job 38 used to be one of my favorite chapters of the Bible. I love the majestic imagery it invokes.

However, I'm having a bit of a problem with the book of Job this time around.

I mean... I see the backdrop of the Great Controversy that I've been trained to see, but superimposed over the top I see these glaring injustices. Not only does God stand back and let Satan totally demolish Job's family, livelihood, and investments, but he seems to be encouraging it. Wtf?! I thought God was supposed to be on our side, not out to prove a point with our suffering??

I also noticed, this time around, that it's not just Job suffering. I mean, what about Job's servants that died? They had family, friends, loved ones. Now those people are left behind to mourn their loss, devastated. What about Job's kids? He had twelve of them-- that represents a lot of other connections like spouses, grandchildren, cousins and nieces and nephews, etc. Those people have a loss, too. Or how about Job's wife? God wasn't egging Satan on to test her, but what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. I've heard her catch a lot of flack over the incident where she approaches Job and tells him to "curse God and die", but I totally get where she's coming from. The woman has just lost everything (and she doesn't even know the backstory!), and she is in pain. A lot of pain. An unfathomable amount of pain. It kind of reminds me of Naomi-- she lost her sons and her husband, her livelihood, and she's in a foreign land. How does she respond? Changing her name to Mara- "bitter". I don't blame her a bit.

And, while Job refuses to "curse God", he does get clinically depressed and suicidal, ruing the day he was born, questioning God's motives... yet he still considers himself to be pure from turning against God, even in this state. And God apparently agrees.

I also noticed that I think much along the same lines that Job's friend Eliphaz does-- "God protects good people, and really bad stuff is happening to you, therefore there's a kink in the line somewhere. Furthermore, since God is perfect... the problem must be you. Get right with God, and he'll be able to protect you again, k?"

Aaaaaand... that's where I stopped reading. I couldn't stomach any more.

Loving God, or cosmic bully? I just can't figure it out.

So I started to get this idea...

It is very clearly stated that God will guide us. (Exodus 15:13, Psalm 73:24, Isaiah 58:11, John 16:13, just to name a few.) So I thought that maybe God doesn't protect us, he just offers guidance, and if we listen then things will go okay, but when someone doesn't listen, then that's when they start hurting people. So if no one in my family was listening for God's guidance or following it (I'm thinking of G here), then the hurt would ensue. I was thinking that maybe God's protection was his guidance, if you see what I mean?

But, then... it's pretty obvious that God does step in and actively protect sometimes. Plus there are Bible verses where he promises to protect. (Psalm 12:7-8, Psalm 91:14-15, John 17:11+15- sorta, 2 Thess. 3:3.)

So now I don't know what to do. If I believe the Bible verses, then I'm faced with the reality that God didn't protect me. (And if anyone, anyone tries to come after me with the notion that God was protecting me by letting me be abused, I'm going to have to gouge someone's eyes out with a rusty spoon.)

(Okay, actually, ew. I would never do that. But I don't want to hear that concept! It rings false all the way to the core of me.)

I cannot live with the kind of pain that comes from believing that I'm a servant to a God who stood by and let me be abused, though he gave assurances of protection in the past, and who now demands my obedience and trust? I think not.

God has protected me at random various times in the past. That's what I don't get. Like the car crash. I could have--should have-- died. Why did God save me? Why did God save me from physical death, but not emotional torture and anguish? Honestly, I think I'd have preferred it the other way around! (Gah, talk about jinxing yourself... I'm getting nervous, here...)

Then again, maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe I'm misunderstanding what it means to "protect". And there are plenty of places in the Bible where God didn't protect those people back then, either. I'm not the only one he seemingly forgot about.

I just... can't stand the thought of trusting someone who would let something like that happen to innocents! And it's not just about me. It's about the girls I work with every week. It's about the kids I see on the news who have died, starved and beaten to death. It's about the refugees who are trapped in a war they didn't ask for, enduring horrific monstrosities that they can do nothing about. It's about babies being raped and discarded.

And maybe it does hurt God, too. Okay, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. (So far, he's always been callous and distant in my mental scenario building.) Maybe he's in just as much agony as I am.

So do something.

End it all in a blazing zombie apocalypse. I don't care.

If it hurts you too, then why won't you do something about it? Why are you just standing there? I know, I know... you can't end it all until everyone has had a chance to decide one way or another, because ending it prematurely would call the "unfair" verdict back into question. Some rock and a hard place you've got there. And we are supposed to be out there working our hinies off to get this whole thing spinning down faster, right?

I wish I could bring it all to a close.

But I don't have any good news to bring to anyone.

Trust me... you don't want me out there.

I can't tell people that Jesus loves them because, honestly, I don't believe it.

I can say it. I can even smile really big and kinda glow while I'm saying it. I can get my emotions worked up and feel good while I'm saying it. I can even kinda think I might believe it. I can hope I believe it.

But... I don't.

I'm sorry.

I'm a horrible Christian.

And I don't know what to do about this.

God won't protect me... or will he?

I've heard it said that you're going to experience pain whether you're a Christian or not. That's just how this world works. So my logic used to be, "Well, then, why not be a Christian? I mean, better safe than sorry, right?"

Now, my logic seems to have morphed into, "Well, then... what's the point? Oh, yeah.. heaven. Eternal life. Hmm. Okay... but either way life is gonna suck? Well, then... I guess I might as well... it's either hurt and die forever, or hurt and die for just a little while. Meh. I'll give it a shot."

I've also heard it said that God will only take to heaven the people that will be happy there.

That scares me.

Because God scares me.

Because I don't trust him.

Because it's like having a schizophrenic parent-- you never know whether you're gonna meet the nice, happy, protecting God or the "yeah, well, you shoulda thought of that before you did it" God that refuses to lift a finger to help you. (Yeah, well, you shoulda thought harder about being born into that family, huh?)

I remembered a memory yesterday. G had been molesting me in my bedroom, in my bed, so I actually started sleeping in the hallway. (Um, hello, red flag? Anyone?!)

It didn't stop him.

In fact, that was where some of the most shameful things happened. (Where the horrible thing that I confessed to C happened. I actually didn't tell him the whole story. There was more. I just didn't think of it at the time.)

My mom didn't protect me.

God didn't protect me.

I couldn't even protect me. My best efforts failed.

For crying out loud, I was just a kid.

Won't somebody protect me??