My mom and I had an interesting text message convo yesterday.
Yesterday was not my favorite day in the history of days I've had. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it was... draining.
First, went to worship with SOULS, since they're hitting doors here in town until Friday. Then rush off to first pre-m counseling with C and FB. Then, rush off to my first personal counseling session.
Then, head back to C's place to try to deal with the migraine-like headache I picked up at the last counseling session. I knew no one would be there, so I hopped the back fence and "broke in" to take advantage of the cool darkness until group a few hours later. I was NOT feeling group at all, but I knew that the girls needed it, so I went and did it anyway. Thankfully B was there, as well as M, the girl who will be taking over for me (I'm "training" her, whatever that means. I don't even know what I'm doing, E! I know you don't believe me when I say that, but...)
So, somewhere between the second counseling session and group that night, Mom and I were texting back and forth. It went like this...
Me: So i went and joined SOULS for their worship today. part of the way through i realized... i don't believe this anymore. i feel kinda lost... church (SDA, specifically) has been my identity for so long... not that i'm giving up. i'm still studying.
Mom: I remember dealing with my own disappointments and loss of identity... I had no problem leaving the church behind and going my own path... and making a bigger mess of my life than I knew how to handle. I'm so glad you're still studying... God allowed me to royally mess things up-- and He would let you, too, but it would have been better for us if I hadn't quit on Him.
Oh, I'm not giving up on god. i still totally believe he exists. it's just... who is he? how does he operate? why did he do or not do certain things in relation to my past? etc. i just have a really hard time reconciling the abuse with a loving, interested god.
Because He is all-powerful, we think He should spare us from pain. After all, it's what most of us would do for our children. But He can't allow all evil to be stopped, or else we can't say with all certainty that Satan is wrong when he says he could do the job better. He has to allow us to see that Satan makes us suffer, and we have to be able to choose God not because He makes life easier, but because He gives us the hope of better things to come.
(An excellent point, by the way... now that I think about it.)
That's kind of the problem i'm having... i know all about the great controversy, and at first it seems like a wonderful way to explain away bad stuff. but then i just don't know how i can trust someone who may throw me under the cosmic bus for the greater good at any given moment.
But it's not just for the greater good... it's for YOUR greater good. And he doesn't throw you under a bus or "zap" you... Satan does that. God doesn't do bad things. Satan does. God may allow Satan to do his bad things, and in the old testament, God took a very hardline position against certain peoples, but their history shows they were intent on so much evil and had set their ways so hard against God that He was left with no choice but to eradicate them to save innocent others.
So we could take it a step further and ask, why did Jesus raise to life only his friend Lazarus, a girl, and the young man from Nain? There were tons of other people who died during his ministry. Why only them? Why not everyone else who believed in him but died?
Yes. precisely. i think what i'm going through is it's not so much that i can't wrap my head around it, but i can't wrap my heart around it, if that makes sense.
A phone call ensued, and then, much later....
Look at where you were tonight.... The Healing Journey. You have been the "face" of it, on the news. Your story has been seen by thousands. You have made others aware of the fact that abuse of children, hidden and secret, does exist. I always believed you were meant for greatness. At first, when you joined Souls, that maybe that was it-- your greatness. But now I'm wondering if your greatness isn't helping others to find the path of healing like you are doing. Trailblazing isn't easy-- you get cut up by thorns and bit by snakes. But others who wouldn't have the courage to take that trail can follow your path. Something to think about.
Thank you, Mom. I love you.
:) I love you too.
I suppose you could boil it down to something simple... I don't have hair-splitting theological issues to chew on, but one that was summed up nicely by Epicurus. I think it's a really relevant question, one that anyone who claims to be a believer must wrestle with and come to a conclusion that satisfies them.
I'm angry with God right now. Angry with God? Angry at God? Is there a distinction at all?
Anyway, I'm just... angry... profoundly hurt, I suppose... disappointed... disillusioned... untrusting...
It's like, how can you promise that you're going to be my strength and my shield when... stuff like this happens?
I came across John 16:33 yesterday, which says, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (The context of that is Jesus telling his disciples what's about to go down (sorta) so they won't be totally shocked.) So... I guess I can't say you didn't warn us...
So what does going with God really mean? Does it mean that God will protect me from, say, being raped? Apparently not. I hear people talking about God being with you through bad stuff, and healing you afterwards... like, helping you pick up the pieces...
... but really? Isn't there something more than just damage control?
I guess I'm just feeling like, if I can figure God out, then everything will fall into place, yeah?
Probably not.
God, I'm sorry I don't trust you. I just... can't... right now. I'd like to. I want to work towards that.
But it's not like turning on a light switch.
I can't believe this has been here the whole time... I got so good at pushing it away...
...it almost feels heretical to be allowing myself to ask these questions, you know?
... to allow myself to walk away until I'm certain that this is my choice and this is where I choose to be... for me.
Mom says you're not threatened by this. I sure hope not.
I wish I could repaint my soul and mind like I'm repainting the furniture...
But really, God? Is there nothing more than damage control? Is that all you have to offer me?
I need someone who will protect me, not just bring the band-aids.
I suppose I'm supposed to "look forward", to think about that "something better" (heaven? second coming?), and just... endure the pain. Right? Endure, because there's something better?
But I have to live in the enduring. And this enduring is messing me up and, in turn, hurting other people. What am I supposed to do, endure better?
I dunno.
I dunno, God. I really don't.
Just... yeah.
I'm sorry. Sorry about everything.
Yesterday was not my favorite day in the history of days I've had. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it was... draining.
First, went to worship with SOULS, since they're hitting doors here in town until Friday. Then rush off to first pre-m counseling with C and FB. Then, rush off to my first personal counseling session.
Then, head back to C's place to try to deal with the migraine-like headache I picked up at the last counseling session. I knew no one would be there, so I hopped the back fence and "broke in" to take advantage of the cool darkness until group a few hours later. I was NOT feeling group at all, but I knew that the girls needed it, so I went and did it anyway. Thankfully B was there, as well as M, the girl who will be taking over for me (I'm "training" her, whatever that means. I don't even know what I'm doing, E! I know you don't believe me when I say that, but...)
So, somewhere between the second counseling session and group that night, Mom and I were texting back and forth. It went like this...
Me: So i went and joined SOULS for their worship today. part of the way through i realized... i don't believe this anymore. i feel kinda lost... church (SDA, specifically) has been my identity for so long... not that i'm giving up. i'm still studying.
Mom: I remember dealing with my own disappointments and loss of identity... I had no problem leaving the church behind and going my own path... and making a bigger mess of my life than I knew how to handle. I'm so glad you're still studying... God allowed me to royally mess things up-- and He would let you, too, but it would have been better for us if I hadn't quit on Him.
Oh, I'm not giving up on god. i still totally believe he exists. it's just... who is he? how does he operate? why did he do or not do certain things in relation to my past? etc. i just have a really hard time reconciling the abuse with a loving, interested god.
Because He is all-powerful, we think He should spare us from pain. After all, it's what most of us would do for our children. But He can't allow all evil to be stopped, or else we can't say with all certainty that Satan is wrong when he says he could do the job better. He has to allow us to see that Satan makes us suffer, and we have to be able to choose God not because He makes life easier, but because He gives us the hope of better things to come.
(An excellent point, by the way... now that I think about it.)
That's kind of the problem i'm having... i know all about the great controversy, and at first it seems like a wonderful way to explain away bad stuff. but then i just don't know how i can trust someone who may throw me under the cosmic bus for the greater good at any given moment.
But it's not just for the greater good... it's for YOUR greater good. And he doesn't throw you under a bus or "zap" you... Satan does that. God doesn't do bad things. Satan does. God may allow Satan to do his bad things, and in the old testament, God took a very hardline position against certain peoples, but their history shows they were intent on so much evil and had set their ways so hard against God that He was left with no choice but to eradicate them to save innocent others.
So we could take it a step further and ask, why did Jesus raise to life only his friend Lazarus, a girl, and the young man from Nain? There were tons of other people who died during his ministry. Why only them? Why not everyone else who believed in him but died?
Yes. precisely. i think what i'm going through is it's not so much that i can't wrap my head around it, but i can't wrap my heart around it, if that makes sense.
A phone call ensued, and then, much later....
Look at where you were tonight.... The Healing Journey. You have been the "face" of it, on the news. Your story has been seen by thousands. You have made others aware of the fact that abuse of children, hidden and secret, does exist. I always believed you were meant for greatness. At first, when you joined Souls, that maybe that was it-- your greatness. But now I'm wondering if your greatness isn't helping others to find the path of healing like you are doing. Trailblazing isn't easy-- you get cut up by thorns and bit by snakes. But others who wouldn't have the courage to take that trail can follow your path. Something to think about.
Thank you, Mom. I love you.
:) I love you too.
I suppose you could boil it down to something simple... I don't have hair-splitting theological issues to chew on, but one that was summed up nicely by Epicurus. I think it's a really relevant question, one that anyone who claims to be a believer must wrestle with and come to a conclusion that satisfies them.
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
Epicurus – Greek philosopher, BC 341-270
I'm angry with God right now. Angry with God? Angry at God? Is there a distinction at all?
Anyway, I'm just... angry... profoundly hurt, I suppose... disappointed... disillusioned... untrusting...
It's like, how can you promise that you're going to be my strength and my shield when... stuff like this happens?
I came across John 16:33 yesterday, which says, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (The context of that is Jesus telling his disciples what's about to go down (sorta) so they won't be totally shocked.) So... I guess I can't say you didn't warn us...
So what does going with God really mean? Does it mean that God will protect me from, say, being raped? Apparently not. I hear people talking about God being with you through bad stuff, and healing you afterwards... like, helping you pick up the pieces...
... but really? Isn't there something more than just damage control?
I guess I'm just feeling like, if I can figure God out, then everything will fall into place, yeah?
Probably not.
God, I'm sorry I don't trust you. I just... can't... right now. I'd like to. I want to work towards that.
But it's not like turning on a light switch.
I can't believe this has been here the whole time... I got so good at pushing it away...
...it almost feels heretical to be allowing myself to ask these questions, you know?
... to allow myself to walk away until I'm certain that this is my choice and this is where I choose to be... for me.
Mom says you're not threatened by this. I sure hope not.
I wish I could repaint my soul and mind like I'm repainting the furniture...
But really, God? Is there nothing more than damage control? Is that all you have to offer me?
I need someone who will protect me, not just bring the band-aids.
I suppose I'm supposed to "look forward", to think about that "something better" (heaven? second coming?), and just... endure the pain. Right? Endure, because there's something better?
But I have to live in the enduring. And this enduring is messing me up and, in turn, hurting other people. What am I supposed to do, endure better?
I dunno.
I dunno, God. I really don't.
Just... yeah.
I'm sorry. Sorry about everything.
0 thoughts: