I had a small breakdown today. Or close to one, I guess I could say.
I don't know what it was, but I just started sliding downhill (and fast) about 2 p.m. today. I was blissfully (eh, okay, maybe just peacefully) happy this morning, but it all evaporated like snow on a hot engine.
Anyway, by 5 p.m. I was my version of a basket case. I told C that I felt very anxious when we went on our errand foray, but I couldn't pin down why. (Methinks it has something to do with the fact that I feel like the scum of the earth when I haven't accomplished something in a particular day, and... I hadn't.) I tried positive self-talk, but the ruthless voice in my head wouldn't be silenced.
I ended up sitting on the table outside, rocking back and forth and talking to myself. (Does it sound like I was losing it? Because I sure felt like it.) That's when I realized that I had no control over this... voice. And that it was actually holding a conversation with me.
And that it had a name.
The voice in my head is named Vivian.
Now, that's some scary sh**.
I went inside and told C that I think I'm going crazy. I told him about Vivian. He just held me close. (Bless his heart. His day had been stressful, and I feel bad.)
I also tried to break up with him. He wouldn't let me. I just feel like he deserves better, you know? To not have to deal with my crazy crap all the time. To have someone stable? But he says that he has what he wants.
I'm reading more of that book on Wholeheartedness. If I can actually put this stuff into practice... it'll change my whole life. I recognize that what it talks about-- authenticity-- is what I'm really striving for in this "rebellion". I want to be known and accepted for me, not for the me that I've been presenting. If I'm not doing what people think I should, or thinking or feeling the way they think I should... will they still love and accept me? Guess we'll find out. The neat thing is that, if I am truly coming from the vantage point of "I am enough right now", then even if I am not accepted for who I really am... it'll be okay. It will hurt, sure... but it'll be okay.
The author of the book is a shame researcher by profession. She talks a lot about shame. It's a universal emotion, but not a healthy place to live. And oh, boy, do I live there. I've realized that I live my life from a place of shame. I'm never "good enough". I'm rarely not "bad" for something or other. And that's the mantra that runs through my head all the time. (Vivian's theme song, I think...)
I'll be enough when... (fill in the blank).
I'll be worthy/enough when I've got this God thing all figured out.
I'll be worthy/enough when I'm independent financially.
I'll be worthy/enough when I'm not depressed anymore.
No, dammit! No, no, no! I am worthy of love now! I am enough NOW!
Vivian can do whatever she wants. I'm going to be practicing self-love and compassion. And all those other things that make up an authentic life. And maybe... just maybe... this kind of life will be toxic to Vivian, and she'll die. I would be happy about that. (I know, I know... it sounds so stupid to talk about this "Vivian", like I'm just trying to be crazy... a psychological hypochondriac, right? But... it's true. I'm not making this up.)
I'm not proud of it, but I seriously contemplated the thought of suicide again today. It's been a while... but I just felt so bleak. So tired. So hopeless.
But tonight, babysitting for L... I got a glimpse of what my life will be like soon. An adorable baby. A dog. A nice house. A good life. That's what C is offering me... and that's what I want. I can't believe I almost threw it away... again. But I do want that. And I'll be working with people... with abused women... sharing the joy and gratitude that a shame-resilient life can bring.
I could even be Christian if I learned how to be shame-resilient. (I recognize it as so pervasive in the SDA culture... at least the conservative one. Then again... it's everywhere you turn. No surprise that it's in the church, too.)
I'm also excited about how this could really help me lay some more foundational stones in the "understanding God" brickwork.
P.S.-- Just for reference's sake... Vivian doesn't hang out in my head all the time. It's not like we're constantly dialoging. My voice is there, and I recognize that, but there are times when it's beyond just being my voice, if that makes sense. That, I think, is when Vivian comes into play.
I don't know what it was, but I just started sliding downhill (and fast) about 2 p.m. today. I was blissfully (eh, okay, maybe just peacefully) happy this morning, but it all evaporated like snow on a hot engine.
Anyway, by 5 p.m. I was my version of a basket case. I told C that I felt very anxious when we went on our errand foray, but I couldn't pin down why. (Methinks it has something to do with the fact that I feel like the scum of the earth when I haven't accomplished something in a particular day, and... I hadn't.) I tried positive self-talk, but the ruthless voice in my head wouldn't be silenced.
I ended up sitting on the table outside, rocking back and forth and talking to myself. (Does it sound like I was losing it? Because I sure felt like it.) That's when I realized that I had no control over this... voice. And that it was actually holding a conversation with me.
And that it had a name.
The voice in my head is named Vivian.
Now, that's some scary sh**.
I went inside and told C that I think I'm going crazy. I told him about Vivian. He just held me close. (Bless his heart. His day had been stressful, and I feel bad.)
I also tried to break up with him. He wouldn't let me. I just feel like he deserves better, you know? To not have to deal with my crazy crap all the time. To have someone stable? But he says that he has what he wants.
I'm reading more of that book on Wholeheartedness. If I can actually put this stuff into practice... it'll change my whole life. I recognize that what it talks about-- authenticity-- is what I'm really striving for in this "rebellion". I want to be known and accepted for me, not for the me that I've been presenting. If I'm not doing what people think I should, or thinking or feeling the way they think I should... will they still love and accept me? Guess we'll find out. The neat thing is that, if I am truly coming from the vantage point of "I am enough right now", then even if I am not accepted for who I really am... it'll be okay. It will hurt, sure... but it'll be okay.
The author of the book is a shame researcher by profession. She talks a lot about shame. It's a universal emotion, but not a healthy place to live. And oh, boy, do I live there. I've realized that I live my life from a place of shame. I'm never "good enough". I'm rarely not "bad" for something or other. And that's the mantra that runs through my head all the time. (Vivian's theme song, I think...)
I'll be enough when... (fill in the blank).
I'll be worthy/enough when I've got this God thing all figured out.
I'll be worthy/enough when I'm independent financially.
I'll be worthy/enough when I'm not depressed anymore.
No, dammit! No, no, no! I am worthy of love now! I am enough NOW!
Vivian can do whatever she wants. I'm going to be practicing self-love and compassion. And all those other things that make up an authentic life. And maybe... just maybe... this kind of life will be toxic to Vivian, and she'll die. I would be happy about that. (I know, I know... it sounds so stupid to talk about this "Vivian", like I'm just trying to be crazy... a psychological hypochondriac, right? But... it's true. I'm not making this up.)
I'm not proud of it, but I seriously contemplated the thought of suicide again today. It's been a while... but I just felt so bleak. So tired. So hopeless.
But tonight, babysitting for L... I got a glimpse of what my life will be like soon. An adorable baby. A dog. A nice house. A good life. That's what C is offering me... and that's what I want. I can't believe I almost threw it away... again. But I do want that. And I'll be working with people... with abused women... sharing the joy and gratitude that a shame-resilient life can bring.
I could even be Christian if I learned how to be shame-resilient. (I recognize it as so pervasive in the SDA culture... at least the conservative one. Then again... it's everywhere you turn. No surprise that it's in the church, too.)
I'm also excited about how this could really help me lay some more foundational stones in the "understanding God" brickwork.
P.S.-- Just for reference's sake... Vivian doesn't hang out in my head all the time. It's not like we're constantly dialoging. My voice is there, and I recognize that, but there are times when it's beyond just being my voice, if that makes sense. That, I think, is when Vivian comes into play.
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