Last night I shared my deepest, darkest secret ever with C.
I was... afraid... very, very ashamed...
I mean, I've kept this secret for somewhere around 15 years.
Never told a soul.
Ever.
But, one of the girls said something last week that brought it up for me, and I was doing research, and I started freaking out (I think they call those "triggers"?), and so I texted C at work saying that I needed to talk through some heavy stuff when he got home, if he was willing, and that I was definitely going to cry, and to not let me get out of it. (Because I know myself... I would change my mind and say "it's nothing" later on. And I did. But he held me to it.)
So I told him. And I cried. And C... stayed. Talked to me. Refuted the lies that the spiteful, angry part of my mind has perpetuated. The necklace that he gave me- "eternal strength" - now has another layer of meaning. It now means that I deserve happiness, to be loved and cherished, and that I never, ever deserved to be abused. It means that being strong takes time, but that I'm already stronger than I was. It means that he'll always be walking beside me to bear me up when I have no strength, to remind me of my intrinsic worth and value. It means that I'm a good person, really and truly. It means that I've helped people by sharing my story, and that I will help more people.
It means that I'm not the scum of the earth. I am lovable.
It means there's hope.
The shame has in no way fully abated, but it is lessened to a degree. The next step, I think... would be posting about it here. I'm not ready for that yet, but the time will come.
I still feel dirty, somehow... but I know that's not true. (Do you know what it's like to feel dirty, like a whore... at nine? At ten? A child... is not supposed to go through that.) I am clean. What happened to me is not my fault, nor is it my responsibility to bear. He made the choice, and he is the vile one-- not me!
On a not-much-different note, I found a veritable gold mine at this site, Pandora's Project. I will be utilizing many of these articles for my girls in the coming weeks.
I was... afraid... very, very ashamed...
I mean, I've kept this secret for somewhere around 15 years.
Never told a soul.
Ever.
But, one of the girls said something last week that brought it up for me, and I was doing research, and I started freaking out (I think they call those "triggers"?), and so I texted C at work saying that I needed to talk through some heavy stuff when he got home, if he was willing, and that I was definitely going to cry, and to not let me get out of it. (Because I know myself... I would change my mind and say "it's nothing" later on. And I did. But he held me to it.)
So I told him. And I cried. And C... stayed. Talked to me. Refuted the lies that the spiteful, angry part of my mind has perpetuated. The necklace that he gave me- "eternal strength" - now has another layer of meaning. It now means that I deserve happiness, to be loved and cherished, and that I never, ever deserved to be abused. It means that being strong takes time, but that I'm already stronger than I was. It means that he'll always be walking beside me to bear me up when I have no strength, to remind me of my intrinsic worth and value. It means that I'm a good person, really and truly. It means that I've helped people by sharing my story, and that I will help more people.
It means that I'm not the scum of the earth. I am lovable.
It means there's hope.
The shame has in no way fully abated, but it is lessened to a degree. The next step, I think... would be posting about it here. I'm not ready for that yet, but the time will come.
I still feel dirty, somehow... but I know that's not true. (Do you know what it's like to feel dirty, like a whore... at nine? At ten? A child... is not supposed to go through that.) I am clean. What happened to me is not my fault, nor is it my responsibility to bear. He made the choice, and he is the vile one-- not me!
On a not-much-different note, I found a veritable gold mine at this site, Pandora's Project. I will be utilizing many of these articles for my girls in the coming weeks.
Hope | May 19, 2012 at 9:53 PM
I listened to one of my counseling audio lectures and it was about 2 Samuel 13 - the story of Amnon and Tamar. I'd say the best lecture I've ever heard of someone breaking down that story...okay, I'll be honest...the ONLY lecture I've ever heard on that passage! (I can send it to you if you're interested - could be helpful not only to you but the girls you counsel with.) Anyway, one of the points he brings out is that after Amnon rapes her and she runs to the house of her other brother Absalom, Absalom says to her "hold now thy peace, my sister...regard not this thing." The result? Tamar remained desolate. The speaker shares that we need to give people who have been sexually abused their voice back. The text is filled with men who will not listen to Tamar. "Don't victimize the victim with more voicelessness". Did you know there are more lament Psalms than there are Psalms of praise? It's okay to express grief, hurt, anger. It was not just your body that was abused, it was the core of your being. Satan tried to forever rob you of faith, hope, love and peace. I want to support you in sharing whatever it is that has been a secret for 15 years because it's important for you to have a voice.