Lest I begin to think that life is entirely made up of confusion and bitter rants, it's not!
I have been happy the past few days, happier than I've been in a long time. Odd, isn't it, that when I decide to stop focusing on what I've known for the past few years, that's when the happiness creeps sweetly over me?
I think it has a lot to do with not constantly looking over my shoulder to see who might see who I really am and what I'm really doing, and not self-condemning over every little thing done and undone, trying and trying and trying to do the right thing... all the time...
Now? Now I'm just me. I have a few basic rules to live by, and the rest is bygones.
1. It doesn't feel good to be hurt. Don't hurt other people, and try not to do so inadvertently, either. Be considerate.
2. The golden rule: Treat people as you wish to be treated.
3. Haters gonna hate. Let them. Don't worry about it.
4. Respect others for who they they truly are, not what they contribute or how they act. You don't know their backstory. No judging.
5. Be as kind as possible whenever possible. People have lots of bad days, and you can either contribute or alleviate. Do the latter.
I guess that's it.
I've got counseling again today. Earlier this week, during "intake", we discussed anxiety. I firmly maintained that I am only depressed, not anxious. But... as I've been monitoring myself more this week (like a heightened sense of self-awareness), I've noticed that, yeah, you know what? I am anxious. Quite frequently. Especially when I'm in public, like going grocery shopping, or when I'm supposed to perform at some level, like work or finding work. And I also noticed that I can go from happy to out of whack in mere minutes. Is that normal?
Other than that, I've been working on redecorating the guest bedroom I stay in. It's kind of a way of paying for my room and board, I guess, although my grandparents are paying for the paint and new bedspread and whatnot. (It was her idea-- I'm just the young, strong back to make it happen.) So, the past week, I've been covered in paint from head to toe. The last few days, I even managed to get some in my hair. Now, I've only got one piece of furniture left to paint, and good riddance! My room is an absolute wreck. (The bed has been either covered in stuff from drawers I had to empty, or dismantled completely for the better part of a week. Fortunately for me, I have a most welcoming bed in town, so I haven't had to sleep on the couch or the floor at all.)
Wednesday, C's roommate S and I dressed up in garb (he in his kilt and I in my Ren costume) and we hit up a local landmark establishment, since we both wanted to see it and it is closing soon for the summer. After that, we went to WalMart, which was the original idea I had. ("Hey! You have a costume, I have a costume-- we should dress up and go to WalMart!" This idea was met with an enthusiastic agreement.) We had a grand time, got lots of funny looks, and one thumbs-up from an old lady.
The next day, J and my other friend A took me out and treated me to a free massage. It was something else... an hour of bliss! (My back hurt for a couple of days afterward, though, because some of the muscles she worked are/were so tense.)
I'm going to find work this week. I'm going to. I have to.
I can't donate plasma like I anticipated, because of the cortico-steroids I have to supplement with due to my adrenal insufficiency. Actually, because of the adrenal insufficiency, I shouldn't be donating in the first place, meds or no meds. Bah, humbug. There goes a trickle of income I had been counting on.
There's so much to be figured out with school and money and... well, money.
Ever heard that song by Queen, "Under Pressure"? That's how I feel. ...Anxious. lol
But happy. Happier than I've been in a while.
Today, I've got a date with my beloved, and I'm so looking forward to it.
I have been happy the past few days, happier than I've been in a long time. Odd, isn't it, that when I decide to stop focusing on what I've known for the past few years, that's when the happiness creeps sweetly over me?
I think it has a lot to do with not constantly looking over my shoulder to see who might see who I really am and what I'm really doing, and not self-condemning over every little thing done and undone, trying and trying and trying to do the right thing... all the time...
Now? Now I'm just me. I have a few basic rules to live by, and the rest is bygones.
1. It doesn't feel good to be hurt. Don't hurt other people, and try not to do so inadvertently, either. Be considerate.
2. The golden rule: Treat people as you wish to be treated.
3. Haters gonna hate. Let them. Don't worry about it.
4. Respect others for who they they truly are, not what they contribute or how they act. You don't know their backstory. No judging.
5. Be as kind as possible whenever possible. People have lots of bad days, and you can either contribute or alleviate. Do the latter.
I guess that's it.
I've got counseling again today. Earlier this week, during "intake", we discussed anxiety. I firmly maintained that I am only depressed, not anxious. But... as I've been monitoring myself more this week (like a heightened sense of self-awareness), I've noticed that, yeah, you know what? I am anxious. Quite frequently. Especially when I'm in public, like going grocery shopping, or when I'm supposed to perform at some level, like work or finding work. And I also noticed that I can go from happy to out of whack in mere minutes. Is that normal?
Other than that, I've been working on redecorating the guest bedroom I stay in. It's kind of a way of paying for my room and board, I guess, although my grandparents are paying for the paint and new bedspread and whatnot. (It was her idea-- I'm just the young, strong back to make it happen.) So, the past week, I've been covered in paint from head to toe. The last few days, I even managed to get some in my hair. Now, I've only got one piece of furniture left to paint, and good riddance! My room is an absolute wreck. (The bed has been either covered in stuff from drawers I had to empty, or dismantled completely for the better part of a week. Fortunately for me, I have a most welcoming bed in town, so I haven't had to sleep on the couch or the floor at all.)
Wednesday, C's roommate S and I dressed up in garb (he in his kilt and I in my Ren costume) and we hit up a local landmark establishment, since we both wanted to see it and it is closing soon for the summer. After that, we went to WalMart, which was the original idea I had. ("Hey! You have a costume, I have a costume-- we should dress up and go to WalMart!" This idea was met with an enthusiastic agreement.) We had a grand time, got lots of funny looks, and one thumbs-up from an old lady.
The next day, J and my other friend A took me out and treated me to a free massage. It was something else... an hour of bliss! (My back hurt for a couple of days afterward, though, because some of the muscles she worked are/were so tense.)
I'm going to find work this week. I'm going to. I have to.
I can't donate plasma like I anticipated, because of the cortico-steroids I have to supplement with due to my adrenal insufficiency. Actually, because of the adrenal insufficiency, I shouldn't be donating in the first place, meds or no meds. Bah, humbug. There goes a trickle of income I had been counting on.
There's so much to be figured out with school and money and... well, money.
Ever heard that song by Queen, "Under Pressure"? That's how I feel. ...Anxious. lol
But happy. Happier than I've been in a while.
Today, I've got a date with my beloved, and I'm so looking forward to it.
0 thoughts: