...the very day after you talk about having peace and finding strength and carrying on despite hardships... you totally eat it and have a lame-o day?
Today was... funky. K had a blow-up this morning, we all had to leave super-early, and I was trying to make breakfast, pick berries, take a shower and get dressed, clean up, pack myself a lunch, pack my car, and package up the berries by weight... all in the span of 2 hours. Lord, have mercy!
My first session with my new counselor did not go as hoped. I learned some good, new tools, but I can't figure out my emotions. Halfway through, I was occasionally fighting back tears and wishing she'd stop talking so I could leave. Not that she's mean, or condemnatory or any such thing. I just... didn't want to be there anymore. I was desperately wishing for J. She's the first to cry aloud that she's not trained, but she's the best counselor I've ever had... maybe it's 'cause she's also a good friend? I don't know. She just has that spirit that brings life to my spirit, even through the rough times. I don't know what I was expecting with this new counselor, but I came away disappointed. I'm going to give it a few more tries, though. Maybe it was just an off day.
Anyway, I drove down the street to the Goodwill parking lot and cried for a while, but then I found a pair of jeans at the thrift store for a dollar! My jeans from this summer don't fit anymore-- I had lost a lot of weight due to stress, but I gained it all back on that road trip. (Well, they fit, but they're scandalously tight, especially for the reputation I have to uphold in these parts.)
Today was another one of those "firsts" in the grieving process over D. Market was moved across the street, because the park is being occupied for a local festival, and... when we were moved across the street for this festival last year, that's the very first time D saw me, when he came to pick up nectarines. So I was already down because of the counselor thing, and my soul is bone-tired, and now this... I'm weary. I'm very weary.
When we got home, I still had to prepare more food for this trip we're taking tomorrow. I don't even really want to go. It's just a lot of hassle and more stress, and I don't even really know where I fit in with the family going, because K is going to be spending all her time with her bf, C and D are going to be doing their thing, and then we have the other family that we're carpooling and sharing a room with, and I don't know if I'm supposed to hang out with them the whole time or what? Plus I have NO idea what to expect, except that it's conservative, and I'm supposed to wear a skirt the whole time 'cause it's that kind of thing, and I haven't had the best experiences with large groups of very conservative Christians amassed in one locale... I'm nervous that it's going to lead to a total plunge into darkness for me.
And yet... I dare not share any of these fears or frustrations with C and D, because they've already got so much on their plates. I want to be strong for them, but I'm really sorta falling apart right now. I think that I'm repeating the patterns I learned as a kid- be strong for the parents. Step in and take over, and you'll be able to save the day... not.
Oh, I don't know what to do. I really just want someone to snuggle with me. Isn't that silly? But I just want somewhere to feel warm and safe, even if my life is still driving me into the ground... just a reprieve. Life is so full of pointy corners and sharp edges, but all I want is a world of smooth, round contours, at least right now.
I've decided that I'm going to go to school for massage therapy next year, after the growing season's over. It bothers me, not having a marketable skill. I've even thought of some really cool ministry ideas with it.
What if I went to school in Alaska? I could do that... what an adventure that would be! Alaska's, like, the last frontier of America. I could move to another state, true, but it's far less impressive. :)
My friend S has invited me (with enthusiasm) to come up to Alaska and visit her. I'd LOVE to.
We'll see. I'm probably just in escape mode.
Whatevs.
Today was... funky. K had a blow-up this morning, we all had to leave super-early, and I was trying to make breakfast, pick berries, take a shower and get dressed, clean up, pack myself a lunch, pack my car, and package up the berries by weight... all in the span of 2 hours. Lord, have mercy!
My first session with my new counselor did not go as hoped. I learned some good, new tools, but I can't figure out my emotions. Halfway through, I was occasionally fighting back tears and wishing she'd stop talking so I could leave. Not that she's mean, or condemnatory or any such thing. I just... didn't want to be there anymore. I was desperately wishing for J. She's the first to cry aloud that she's not trained, but she's the best counselor I've ever had... maybe it's 'cause she's also a good friend? I don't know. She just has that spirit that brings life to my spirit, even through the rough times. I don't know what I was expecting with this new counselor, but I came away disappointed. I'm going to give it a few more tries, though. Maybe it was just an off day.
Anyway, I drove down the street to the Goodwill parking lot and cried for a while, but then I found a pair of jeans at the thrift store for a dollar! My jeans from this summer don't fit anymore-- I had lost a lot of weight due to stress, but I gained it all back on that road trip. (Well, they fit, but they're scandalously tight, especially for the reputation I have to uphold in these parts.)
Today was another one of those "firsts" in the grieving process over D. Market was moved across the street, because the park is being occupied for a local festival, and... when we were moved across the street for this festival last year, that's the very first time D saw me, when he came to pick up nectarines. So I was already down because of the counselor thing, and my soul is bone-tired, and now this... I'm weary. I'm very weary.
When we got home, I still had to prepare more food for this trip we're taking tomorrow. I don't even really want to go. It's just a lot of hassle and more stress, and I don't even really know where I fit in with the family going, because K is going to be spending all her time with her bf, C and D are going to be doing their thing, and then we have the other family that we're carpooling and sharing a room with, and I don't know if I'm supposed to hang out with them the whole time or what? Plus I have NO idea what to expect, except that it's conservative, and I'm supposed to wear a skirt the whole time 'cause it's that kind of thing, and I haven't had the best experiences with large groups of very conservative Christians amassed in one locale... I'm nervous that it's going to lead to a total plunge into darkness for me.
And yet... I dare not share any of these fears or frustrations with C and D, because they've already got so much on their plates. I want to be strong for them, but I'm really sorta falling apart right now. I think that I'm repeating the patterns I learned as a kid- be strong for the parents. Step in and take over, and you'll be able to save the day... not.
Oh, I don't know what to do. I really just want someone to snuggle with me. Isn't that silly? But I just want somewhere to feel warm and safe, even if my life is still driving me into the ground... just a reprieve. Life is so full of pointy corners and sharp edges, but all I want is a world of smooth, round contours, at least right now.
I've decided that I'm going to go to school for massage therapy next year, after the growing season's over. It bothers me, not having a marketable skill. I've even thought of some really cool ministry ideas with it.
What if I went to school in Alaska? I could do that... what an adventure that would be! Alaska's, like, the last frontier of America. I could move to another state, true, but it's far less impressive. :)
My friend S has invited me (with enthusiasm) to come up to Alaska and visit her. I'd LOVE to.
We'll see. I'm probably just in escape mode.
Whatevs.
0 thoughts: