"It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

I used to think this expression was silly and pointless, but now I begin to see the truth of it.

Loving someone can be a beautiful thing, even if it's an unrequited love. That makes it hard, but it's still beautiful and special. I did not know I could experience love like this, and it's pleasantly surprising.

I've been thinking about D a lot lately, especially on this trip for some reason. Mom and I have talked it over quite a bit, as she's quite knowledgeable in the inner workings of men. (At least, it seems that way to me-- she's had a lot more time and experience than I have. That applies to life knowledge, period.)

A couple of days ago, I set things up to go work for his mom, S, when I get back from my trip. That'll earn me some gas money for my little/big adventure. After S and I finished our conversation, I realized that it's been almost a year since I've seen D, and it's been the better part of 6 months since I've even heard his voice. I realized that I miss him. I miss him a lot. Still.

In bed that night, I was tossing and turning, and crying. I asked God (again) to take this love out of my heart and replace it with a platonic love. (It hasn't happened yet.) It's so weird... it's like, the more time passes, the more my feelings increase, increment by increment. That's so DUMB! I want to be over him, I want to move on, and I don't want to feel this way anymore!

Part of the reason I know it's love and not lust or infatuation or whatever is because a.) I recognize lust, and I'm not pining after his body (although he is good looking), and b.) I'm concerned about what's best for him instead of what I  want-- a new concept in relationships for me. Oh, and c.) I'm willing to let him go. I don't have to have him, especially if that would be detrimental to him.

And I've evaluated several times whether or not writing to him is the right thing for me to do, in the light of "What's best for D?" (Or, at least, trying, since I'm still new at this kind of thing, and because I don't have any input from his side to help me balance out my evaluations.) It was the right thing for me to do, but now I've come to the place where I realize that to continue would be selfish of me.

I cried and prayed for D (and then some other people after I stopped crying) and tossed and turned for two hours. Could NOT sleep. So, as I was praying some more and thinking, the idea came to me that perhaps I cannot sleep because I need to actually write the letter I was thinking about writing at the beginning of the two hours, telling D the truth about how I feel, and basically saying goodbye.

So, I did. I wrote D a letter telling him how I feel, how I felt hurt when he stopped talking to me, that I'm praying for him and his future wife, and that I won't be writing to him anymore.

And then I mailed it.

And then I panicked a little.

However, I believed that night, and still firmly believe, that it was the right thing to do.

I didn't do it to "get him back". I mean, sure, there's a little hope there that he will read the letter and come sweep me off my feet, so to speak. I won't lie. However, that is outweighed by the near certainty of absolute silence and no response whatsoever, which is what I'm in the process of resigning myself to.

So why? Why write a letter that won't change anything? Because I feel that it is fair for him to know, so that when he goes into a future relationship, he has a bigger knowledge base for decision making. If I do not tell him the truth about what happened on my end of things in the relationship, I'm robbing him of the ability to really make a decision, because he is acting on limited information. Like, how can I be upset if I never hear from him again if he thinks that I never really cared in the first place, so why bother?

I guess I just felt that it was important to the health of his future relationships for him to understand what happened in this one. I've felt that way for a long time, but never knew how to bring it up. "Yes, the garden is doing great... the radishes are up now, and by the way, never just stop talking to your girlfriend 'cause you'll break her heart like you did mine. Oh, and our cole crop seedlings are simply thriving!" Riiiight.

As for me, it was kind of a freedom thing, a step forward in moving on.

Yes, I love and have loved him, and there is no shame in that. It's not a bad thing, and I don't have to hide it. It proves that I'm human, thank goodness.

I freaked out a little, though, because egads-- what will he think of me?! And what if he reads it and does do something? What if he calls me?

And, honestly, though I'm resigning myself to the likely reality of not hearing from him, I will be sad and disappointed at some point, because it's kind of like rejection, and who wants to risk that? But I know that someday I can and will love someone who loves me in return, and that will be glorious. So, until that day, I'm just resting in God and his timing.

For now, I want to learn how to love God better.

And you know what? As hard as it is to love someone who seems to ignore you, this has given me a tear-filled glimpse into the heart of God that yearns over humanity. It's both beautiful and tragic at the same time.

However, as Mom pointed out earlier today... D can't forget about me, either. I mean, I left, and he was leaving... and that's when he calls me and wants to get together? And then we break up, time passes, he's seemingly forgotten about me... and I get that text about how he thinks about me a lot.

So maybe there's more there than I thought there was. Mom also mused upon the fact that, since he's been married before, it's obvious that he's, as she put it, a "leaper". He gets involved in relationships, not runs away from them. So his running away might mean that he's defending himself against hurt because he has some strong feelings too, or because he didn't think that I was really interested, etc.

And we both pondered the situation of his past-- after getting involved in drugs and drinking and stuff, then moving back home to help take care of his mom, this is the first time he's really been“straight”on his own, by himself, for himself... not to please someone else. And he's chasing a dream he's had for years. I think, she thinks, we all think that he really needs this time to learn, to grow, and to figure out who he is and what he wants.

In the meantime, I'll be moving to one of the Adventist capitals of the world, practically, and meeting plenty of nice, handsome, young men. Won't that just be wonderful? :) Have fun in Alaska, D. I love you, but I'm chasing my dream, too.

Besides... I'm too restless to settle down! Hehe.

*Note: I never actually used the “L-word” in the letter. I just told him that I came to care about him deeply, and still do.

Yesterday I got sick, fever and all. (Okay, really, it shouldn't surprise me, since I've been fighting off a low-grade respiratory infection for... a month now? And I've had--relatively--quite a bit of sugar over the past few days, since it's a holiday and all. A chocolate bar and my very own container of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Oh, and I shared a gallon of green tea with J. Bad idea... but delicious. ^_^) So I didn't do much of anything, really. I stayed in my pj's most of the day.

Today... I stayed in my pj's until, like, 3 p.m. Didn't do much. The fever's half gone, just a very low-grade one of a degree or so. Paltry, really. (Emergen-C saves the day!!)

I'm torn between whether to enjoy and luxuriate in the freedom to do absolutely nothing if I wish, or whether to give in to the guilt and scorn I feel toward myself upon doing absolutely nothing.

But can I not, if I choose, stay in my pajamas and watch 2 chick flicks in a row if I desire?

Yes. I can. I have that choice. Is the the wrong choice? That I cannot say, but I do know that I have the choice. It is my decision, and I need to be okay with it, whichever way I choose.

Moving on from that... Mom and R (mostly R, I think) have decided to give J the counseling she desires, once they found out that on our insurance it's only a $20 copay each session. She and I had a talk on the way home from church last week, and she broached the topic.

"I think I need therapy."

"What makes you say that?"

"I'm really depressed."

Ah. I get that. I shared with her what I've learned, how it's helped... and how I used to (and still do) self-medicate with music, relationships. She was like, "I do that too! I listen to music to make myself feel better, to forget everything." Huh. We're more alike than I thought. Which is odd, considering that we haven't lived together much in our lives. Once Mom finally got custody of the two little ones back, I was already in high school, and a couple of years later I went away to academy. Then they moved to the midwest, and we've seen each other, like, once a year for the past four years.

Anyway, I told J that I'd champion the cause for her, and I shared our conversation with R two days later. I could tell that he really wanted to help J get better, but he just hadn't realized that it was so affordable. (PTL that I started counseling and worked out the cost on our insurance already!) He's going to start looking around for someone good to take her to, and possibly even Jr. We all agree that K needs it too, but the problem is the desire to change, you know? K doesn't seem to feel her need, so she won't talk or work through things. J feels her need, and that makes all the difference.

I've discovered that I love perch. The fish. It's delicious. I'm finding that I really enjoy fish! Who knew?

The reason I felt the urge to blog was because I need to process through the future, and the coming changes.

I haven't had the guts yet to even touch my feelings about the S's, because they're so ambivalent. Maybe after I leave and it's "safe" lol. When I left for summer camp, there were no problems, but the intervening months have brought up conflicting feelings within me, and I desire to understand the roots of these feelings. I do know that I love them, and they're family. That's enough for now, I think.

Gramma agreed to allow me to bring Holly with me! She's not *thrilled* with the idea, but she'll accept it... I think more for the sake of her love for her granddaughter than anything else. Oh well... what are connections for, if not to milk for personal gain and satisfaction? Kidding...


The movies I've been watching lately and the books I've read have gotten me to thinking... what's my focus in life, what's my purpose? What am I aiming for? And what are my "side focuses"?

I kind of see it as having one large passion to pursue, and then having little passions (like hobbies) on the side. And this, along with personality, comprises who you are.

So who am I?

Being here, without a schedule, without expectations, has given me a glimpse into the near future, when I will be on my own, determining a vast portion of my daily life. And, truly, it's those little decisions that collide against each other, one by one, until you have this massive pileup that is "how the day went".

What food choices am I going to make? How often will I eat, what will I eat, and how much? (This affects my budget, too!) (Oooh! I can work my way through the soup cookbooks I got for Christmas!)

How will I get my exercise? I'd like to go for walks and go hiking in the nearby mountains, but I definitely don't want to give up racquetball. Ought I to join a gym? I'd love to join an exercise or dance class. I've been toying with the thought of taking up jogging... which I've previously hated, but who knows? I passionately love nutritional yeast flakes, onions, and avocados, three things I could not stand until just a few years ago.

I think I'll join the library. I need a fresh supply of books to occupy my mind.

I'll have sermons to prepare, undoubtably, and special musics to prepare for as well. I want to work with the youth again-- at least start our game nights back up, get some activities going. The family that plays together stays together :).

Of course I'll be taking piano lessons, which I'm SUPER stoked about. Music is definitely a "side passion".

I'll be working with the Healing Journey, so that means support groups at least once a week, plus additional extras, like fundraisers. I am going to ask S if I can job shadow her as a social worker, so I can see what it's really like. Mom and K brought up the idea of volunteering at the animal shelter to walk the dogs, and I'd LOVE that! I also want to get involved with the homeless shelters around Y. Homeless people frighten and intrigue me. I'm not homeless in the sense that they are, but I have been. If not the homeless shelters, then the battered women's shelter. It's a secret location, but unless they've moved in the last 6 years or so, I think I know where they are.

Above all, my decision to attend school in the fall must remain firm. It's partially because this is a good thing I know I'll benefit from, and be able to help other people with, but more than that-- it is my commitment to a decision, my undeterred pursuit of a goal that I have set.

I've been tossed about by circumstances, chance, and whimsy for so long... I want to push through obstacles and achieve something. Yes, my personality is partially fickle and capricious, and that's fine, but... at least this once... I want to persevere.

This is a season of change, I recognize that. And I'm discovering much about myself, about what I like and dislike, about my boundaries. That's a good thing. (Heh, realizing that D and I may be more compatible than I had initially thought, too... interestingly. But figuring out who I am apart from a desire to please anyone else is a much better way to do things!)

I'm realizing how paradoxical I am, too. I am fragile, to be sure, but I am also strong beyond belief. It takes a special strength to have lived the kind of life I have and come out the other side a survivor, rather than a victim. The very next breath I took, the very next heartbeat, made me a survivor. Victims die, survivors live. And even though I survived broken, I still survived. Nothing can change that.

Now, in this time of uncertainty and learning, I am still strong. I will not shatter, even as the waves of risk pound and rush through my very being.

I will pursue my goal, and I will enjoy it! I'm going have fun living, for crying out loud!

And if that means that some days I stay in my pajamas until 3 p.m., then that's okay.

By the way, you know what sucks?

Yeah, I still love D. For crying out loud. I wish I could just forget about him, but... he's got a tender place in my heart. Don't get me wrong-- it's not like I'm ready to move to Alaska and marry the guy. That would not be a wise decision. But I still find hope floating to the surface, and I think about him frequently enough for it to be noticeable to me.

I asked my mom how you know when you love someone, and she said that, basically, it's when you want what's best for the other person no matter what, even if it goes against what you want, or even hurts you. You care about what's best for them before you care about what's best for you. Upon digesting and pondering that... that's where I'm at with D. It's pretty simple, really.

Unrequited love bites. That's all.

Part of my pressing forward and pursuing my goal is forgetting about D, forgetting about Alaska (for now-- I still REALLY want to go there someday), and forgetting about romance and relationships.

Did I mention that I feel doomed-- er, that is called-- to singleness? LOL. Seriously, though, I've finally come to that place where I've made peace with the thought of being single for the rest of my life. Thanks, D. You helped with that. No, it's not a knee-jerk defense against being hurt again. It's a thought out conclusion, something to the tune of You know... being single really isn't bad. I mean, I enjoy it. I want to get married someday, sure, but if that doesn't happen... that's okay. Doesn't mean I won't be lonely at times, but it'd be okay. Yeah. I'd be alright. I can focus on learning about God's love instead of some guy's. ^ _ ^

I had a good chat with my friend J today. She's on the verge of a relationship, and I'm very happy for her. He seems like a really solid, nice guy, and she deserves that. She's pretty amazing. She needs someone good. Anything less and, well... I just can't see her with someone not totally awesome. Her standards are too high.

I shared with her about the confusing text from D, and we talked about him a little bit. What she told me made sense, and having those thoughts bouncing around in my head helped to crystallize some thought processes that were in the works, so as I continued thinking while at work, I came to some realizations.

One thing J said was, "A bird can love a fish, but where will they live?" And she knows this from experience, having been in a similar situation not too long ago. She loved this guy, more or less, but realized that it was not "right". They would not make a good match in the long run, so she ended it.

Another thing she said was that she thinks that I need to do better. Then she rephrased it--"not necessarily a better person, but a better match".

That helped sort of bump me over a mental block I'd been having. A few people have told me, "You can do better," but I think, how? He's such a great person! But we definitely do have clashes in values. It's not that he's not a good person, it's that we're not necessarily a great match.

As I talked with his mom some time ago, I realized, Whoa! I am really not the girl for him! I mean, I could try to be what I think he wants, but how lame is that? Who wants to spend their life pretending?

So, this bird loves a fish, but truly, where would we live?

Anyway, I realized later on in the day... it dawned upon me... I can say no. Just because he says he needs me doesn't mean that I am automatically tied to him. I can say no, and I'll be okay, and he'll be okay. His world will not end, and neither will mine.

You see, growing up in dysfunction and abuse, "No" didn't mean much. In fact, if I said "No", I might lose love. The desire for love is a driving factor in a lot of my choices, or at least, it has been. And deep down I'm fearful that if I say "No", then I will be losing my chance, forever. If I don't seize the opportunity of someone who likes me, I'll be alone forever. So, even though it's not ideal, it's better than nothing, right?

Fortunately, that's not actually true.

I thought to myself earlier today, Why did he have to text me?! If only I could just say "no" and move on with my life!...


Later I realized... I can. Yes, I can. Just because he's longing or lonely or whatever in no way means that I am obligated to reciprocate.

Wow! Does anyone else realize how earth-shattering these realizations are?! I am not obligated to reciprocate!

And I thought to myself, Boy, it sure is flattering to be needed... but don't let yourself be flattered and beguiled into the wrong decision. That's how Eve went down.


 It's just exciting to me to see how God's bringing me along. Used to be that I could not walk away from a potential relationship.

Don't get me wrong-- I'd love to date him again. I mean, I really like him. But I don't think that, at this point, it's best for either of us.

Ah, well, people change their minds all the time. My actions may switch around, BUT these realizations stand!

Today was significant.

I spent more money than I'm comfortable with, but it was all on necessities (vet bills, car repairs... those can sure add up!). Got my poor epileptic kitty on meds, which is good, and got de-worming meds and ear mite meds for cats across the board. (That's what was so expensive! Five cats on two different types of medicines?! Gee whilliker!)

I got a lot accomplished at work, and I'm feeling good about the rest of the week. I was daunted by the amount of work my boss seems to think I can accomplish, but I'm beginning to think she might be right. Also, these longer hours are translating to a good paycheck for me later, which I can definitely use.

We had our first practice for the Christmas Concert. I see some bugs that need to be worked out, but I think it will go okay. Our group of kids is so spastic and hyperactive, it's unreal! But, hey, that's what happens when you work with kids, eh? Fortunately, all the parents are on board behind me, so I don't feel quite exactly like I'm drowning. But the thought of trying to iron out any more details is, well... overwhelming. *sigh*

Upon arriving home, I checked my email to find that I'm accepted into the school in California! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! I made it! :)

That means I'll really and truly be heading down south in just a few short weeks. Eight, to be exact. That's two months. And I know I've been itching to be on my own and independent lately, but today I realized... I need to slow down and enjoy this time here. It's all I've got left. Once it's over, it's over. I'm not coming back, at least not in this same way. I won't be living with the S's anymore. Hmm. What an odd thought. I'm leaving home, for good. (Ahhh!)

Fly free, little birdie.

On another note of craziness... got a text from D last night. Totally unexpected, and the content was more than unexpected. The first thing I see is a gorgeous picture of the sun reflecting off of completely snow-covered mountains rising above a road and a stretch of snow and bare trees. Then, as I scroll down, I read this message:

Working in Valdez, ak. its strange but i have been thinking about u. i know u r what i need. but i cant stop chasing what i want. i think about u a lot and that scares me. u r in my prayers.


Needless to say, I freaked out and ran to C's room so she could pray with me. That helped me re-focus, and I went to bed... but I thought about it throughout the day today. Basically, the conclusion I came to is this: I need to leave him right where I found him-- in the hands of God. I can't do anything about this situation, nor is it my place to. This is something he has to work out between himself, God, and his own heart. So I'm praying for him, but I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing... just being a friend. Praying for him. Going forward with what I feel God is calling me to.

I've learned quite a bit since our breakup, but I know I still have a long way to go.

It's just hard, because... I thought we were done. And now my heart is aching a little again.

Like, seriously... what does that even mean?!


I did reply, though. I didn't just leave him hanging. That would be cruel! I recognize that it took a lot of guts for him to send that. I wrote back:

I thank you for your honesty. i have no idea how to respond to that... i thought we were done, so it's confusing to me. you're in my prayers too.

*sigh* Boys...

Youth group went "mountain biking" yesterday. I put it in quotes because it wasn't particularly rugged or arduous... unless you're totally not used to anything like it. Like myself.

But I surely enjoyed myself! And I proved to myself that I can endure even past what I think is my stopping point. There were times when I wasn't sure I would be able to go on, but I did, and I rode the entire course. Go me! LOL

However, I did wipe out within the first five minutes. Of course. I ate it pretty hard, too. K wasn't impressed, but then she's an EMT, so what do you expect? She gets to scrape guts off of asphalt, so my little boo boo didn't rate very high. ;)  Plus she and her bro are quite rugged and intense. Wounds don't stop them. *Sigh* I want to be like that.

Still... I did a pretty good number on myself.

Pretty good, huh?

The next day

Aaaaand... my poor, banged up legs.

It's a good thing it was cold and I was wearing several layers. I'd hate to see what would have happened had I been biking in shorts and a tank top!

And, after this trip, I think that S is right. D LOVES being outdoors... I'm just not cut out for him.

Bah. It's better to admit I was wrong, than to insist on having my way just for the sake of pride. So he's not the one I'm to marry. That's okay. That's why I was praying so hard for wisdom, direction, and guidance... in the likely event that I was wrong and it wasn't God's voice I was hearing, but rather my own emotions.

And I'm not writing him off. If God wants to bring him back into my life at some point in the future, that's nice. He's a great guy. I love him. But I'm letting him go, and I'm letting go, period. 

It's just you and me, God. Again. Like it should be. :)

A lot to process lately.

What do you do if you were sure you were where God wants you, only to find that things are changing, and the very reasons you thought God wanted you in a certain place are no longer good reasons?

Yeah.

I'll be leaving the S's soon. Soon meaning... well, I don't know when. But I don't think it's wise to start the support group at this time.  However, I did get good practice setting it all up, and who's to say I can't take it with me where I go next? No one. I'm going to do it, still, even if it's not in Idaho.

I called D and told him that I've decided to go to massage school, but I don't know where yet. Does he want me to come up there where he is? There are a couple massage schools there. He said he'd call me back. It's been almost a week now, haven't heard from him, though he said he'd call back in a day or two.

I realized today why that bugs me so badly when he does that--my mom did the same thing all the time when I was a kid. "I'll be there in an hour" meant "see you in three to four hours". Drove me crazy. She's better now, but I still hate it when people do that. It's like they don't care enough to stick to their word.

Anyway... I'm researching schools and filling out my FAFSA and all that fun stuff. It seems to me that C is thinking that I need to be moving out soon... she says not before January, and I agree, but I had initially been thinking summer or fall. She's thinking more like spring, early or late. I'd like to stick around for my birthday, at least. It's not just the S's I'm thinking of, though I live with them-- I have friends here, and engagements.

Just... a lot to think through. I've kind of become numb, of sorts. Juneaux is an indoor-outdoor cat now, because I simply don't care enough to worry about him like I used to. I love him, but... he's just a cat. He's not my lifeline. If he gets hurt, or killed, I'll be devastated, but I'll survive. And he's so much happier being outside... it's not worth the effort to keep him in all the time anymore.

I feel the same about D. I can take him or leave him at this point. It's like, look dude-- if you want to try this thing out, then let's do it. If not, then great, I'm moving on and moving away. Make up your mind. Do you want me or not?

Maybe I'm coasting. Maybe I'm in survival/defense mode. I don't care. All I know is it's working.

(Oh, yeah, and I've been fasting/cleansing for four whole days now. That is a record for me- I hate going without food!!)

...the very day after you talk about having peace and finding strength and carrying on despite hardships... you totally eat it and have a lame-o day?

Today was... funky. K had a blow-up this morning, we all had to leave super-early, and I was trying to make breakfast, pick berries, take a shower and get dressed, clean up, pack myself a lunch, pack my car, and package up the berries by weight... all in the span of 2 hours. Lord, have mercy!

My first session with my new counselor did not go as hoped. I learned some good, new tools, but I can't figure out my emotions. Halfway through, I was occasionally fighting back tears and wishing she'd stop talking so I could leave. Not that she's mean, or condemnatory or any such thing. I just... didn't want to be there anymore. I was desperately wishing for J. She's the first to cry aloud that she's not trained, but she's the best counselor I've ever had... maybe it's 'cause she's also a good friend? I don't know. She just has that spirit that brings life to my spirit, even through the rough times. I don't know what I was expecting with this new counselor, but I came away disappointed. I'm going to give it a few more tries, though. Maybe it was just an off day.

Anyway, I drove down the street to the Goodwill parking lot and cried for a while, but then I found a pair of jeans at the thrift store for a dollar! My jeans from this summer don't fit anymore-- I had lost a lot of weight due to stress, but I gained it all back on that road trip. (Well, they fit, but they're scandalously tight, especially for the reputation I have to uphold in these parts.)

Today was another one of those "firsts" in the grieving process over D. Market was moved across the street, because the park is being occupied for a local festival, and... when we were moved across the street for this festival last year, that's the very first time D saw me, when he came to pick up nectarines. So I was already down because of the counselor thing, and my soul is bone-tired, and now this... I'm weary. I'm very weary.

When we got home, I still had to prepare more food for this trip we're taking tomorrow. I don't even really want to go. It's just a lot of hassle and more stress, and I don't even really know where I fit in with the family going, because K is going to be spending all her time with her bf, C and D are going to be doing their thing, and then we have the other family that we're carpooling and sharing a room with, and I don't know if I'm supposed to hang out with them the whole time or what? Plus I have NO idea what to expect, except that it's conservative, and I'm supposed to wear a skirt the whole time 'cause it's that kind of thing, and I haven't had the best experiences with large groups of very conservative Christians amassed in one locale... I'm nervous that it's going to lead to a total plunge into darkness for me.

And yet... I dare not share any of these fears or frustrations with C and D, because they've already got so much on their plates. I want to be strong for them, but I'm really sorta falling apart right now. I think that I'm repeating the patterns I learned as a kid- be strong for the parents. Step in and take over, and you'll be able to save the day... not.

Oh, I don't know what to do. I really just want someone to snuggle with me. Isn't that silly? But I just want somewhere to feel warm and safe, even if my life is still driving me into the ground... just a reprieve. Life is so full of pointy corners and sharp edges, but all I want is a world of smooth, round contours, at least right now.

I've decided that I'm going to go to school for massage therapy next year, after the growing season's over. It bothers me, not having a marketable skill. I've even thought of some really cool ministry ideas with it.

What if I went to school in Alaska? I could do that... what an adventure that would be! Alaska's, like, the last frontier of America. I could move to another state, true, but it's far less impressive. :)

My friend S has invited me (with enthusiasm) to come up to Alaska and visit her. I'd LOVE to.

We'll see. I'm probably just in escape mode.

Whatevs.

Life is whirling around me, faster than I can take it in.

One one hand, that's good. I love to be busy.

On the other hand, it's stressful, and I don't handle stress terribly well. I'm better than I used to be, but still...

D and I officially split up last Thurs. I had sent him a "break-up voicemail" several weeks ago, but I guess he didn't have service. He got it, but then went out of service again, so it was several weeks. We both realize that he has no room in his life for a relationship right now, but he did say that we would keep in touch. (I questioned that, but he insisted... so does that mean I'll hear from him every six months?) I asked if he wanted me to write to him, and he said yes. (I'm limiting myself to one letter a month.) Now that he has bought property and has an address, that's actually possible. That also means, though, that he's not coming back here.

It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I cried after we hung up, and I cried a little that night when I talked to C, but I haven't since. I have peace. I already went through the pain when I sent him the voicemail, and now I only have peace. Peace, and a lingering impression that it's not over. Is that false hope, or an impression from God? I don't trust myself, so I say it's false hope. Every "mentor" type person I've talked to, though, doesn't think it's over. I refuse to cling to hope.

I love him. If God wants me to love him as a friend, I can get used to that. I've been praying that if there is no future, would God please take away my love for him? It's odd... this is not a feeling like I've ever had before. I don't know how to describe it but "pure"-- at least, purer than the love I had for C. It's like, I really, really want the best for D, even if that means I'm out of the picture. I want him to draw close to God, and if I can somehow help lift him higher, then that's what I want. If God needs me to be a supportive friend for him, and that's it, then that's what I'll do.

Even after praying for God to take away the love, it's not gone, but very quiet. Laying low. Subdued? The surging, infatuational emotions are gone. It's just... steady. Steady and quiet.

What's going on inside of me?

I'm fearful that B may be gathering his forces to make another attempt at romancing me. Don't do it! He's lonely, but that still doesn't make it right, or comfortable for me.

We're getting ready to head out of town for a church gathering in a neighboring state. When you have so many food limitations, it's difficult... and I know D and C are stressed about K and her bf once we get there... I'm glad for this brief reprieve to try to collect my thoughts. It seems I've been going nonstop today, and it doesn't look like it's going to ease up for the next month or so. Strength, Lord, give me strength... body, mind, and soul...


K is out in the kitchen, listening to Disney songs on the internet. Why? She's been going through many changes lately, it seems... I think she's trying to figure herself out. I see it in the way she dresses, what she's listening to, what she says... it's interesting. I bet that it was "interesting" to watch me go through all those changes and struggles last year. I have to remember that I was just there myself. I cannot look down on her for this, or I will be a hypocrite of hypocrites. I'm trying to remember to pray for her. That helps change my perspective, for sure...

Found out today that people whose cancer has metastasized have practically a zero percent chance of survival. D's cancer has metastasized; that's why he's having surgery next month.

What can you do in the face of such odds but pray?

I have some tasks to finish yet today before the whirlwind of tomorrow hits me. I should go.

Oh, yeah... Mom called me. She watched Forks Over Knives, and she and my littlest sis have decided to adopt a completely plant-based diet, and try to limit their intake of refined, processed foods. Iiiiinteresting, especially now that she's calling, picking my brain for quick, healthy vegetarian food. I knew there was a reason I've been "training" in specialty cooking these past few years :)

Wow, am I EVER glad for Sabbath! It's been adventure followed by adventure followed by crazy experiences.

This last week, my adopted dad's mother stayed with us, up from SoCal. She stayed in my room, but the tricky part is that she arrived the same day I got back from driving across the country, which means that I got to live out of my suitcases for one extra week. Not that I particularly minded, I am just tired of not having a little bit of elbow room. It's easy to get disorganized when it's all suitcases.

Now, however, I've got my room back! I still haven't had a chance to unpack (that should come Sunday), due to cleaning and youth group and all that, but I did switch out the "guest room" quilt/blanket for a quilt that my friend from church had made for me (without my even knowing about it!). Mom had gotten me a dark grey sheets and pillowcases set, and it matches the quilt just perfectly. Grey is my favorite color, so I'm enthralled.

I guess this means it's officially "my room" now. Even the bedspread is different. The walls are covered in photographs and sketches and framed quotes and magazine clippings. There's a set of end-tables-doubling-as-bookcases in the corner that weren't here until I bought them. There's a golden curtain cascading down the front of the closet door. There's a crystal dreamcatcher hanging from the ceiling fan pull. It's... well, it's my room. What a blessing to have a home, and a room to myself.

It's been a challenge adjusting to family life again. I'd gotten used to being independent, especially on that grand road trip. My schedule was all I had to consult, really. Now I have to coordinate with FIVE other people! As the time wears on, it should get easier, especially as I'll be home much more this year. My main focuses are the garden and the abuse survivor support group. Oh, yes, and youth group. I'm going to begin praying about the direction God wants me to take that... Racquetball is still going, but the devotional section has died out, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Do we need it? Is it enough to simply gather for recreation and fellowship? Or should I insist on bringing back that little God-centered time? I don't know. Maybe I'll just start reading a book like Bruchko, a section at a time.

My adopted dad, D, has found out that his cancer has come back. The only treatment for this type of cancer is surgery, so he'll be going under the knife sometime soon. We're going to try to make some adjustments in our eating habits, to curb the cancer growth as much as possible (i.e. cutting out sugars, which the cancer feeds on readily, not cooking in oils, more whole foods and less processed foods, juicing, etc.). It's just scary to think that, after I've come to trust and love this man as a father... he could be gone, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Is there anything I can truly, truly trust that won't crumble under my weight?

I'm having a problem with D again. It's been almost 2 weeks since we've had a phone conversation, and for the last week or so, there's not even been a text, or a response to my texts. It's like he dropped off the face of the planet, and I can't figure out why. It was seriously bothering me-- a really tempestuous emotional storm-- but I'm practicing trusting God. He's the one that set this relationship up, he's been walking us through it, and if it's to end, then it's to end. God has something better, if that's the case. It's just been hard to not hear from D, especially since the phone is the only connection we have, him being so far away and all.

K abuses the internet, so it's only on during certain time periods a day, about 2 or 3 hours. The problem is... those hours are the ones I'm usually doing something like cooking, cleaning, or running an errand. I miss out on it a lot, which is a bummer. I know I can blog and then copy and paste, but the font size is always a little off when I do that and, quite frankly, it bugs me.

Tonight, we're going to have sundown worship on the porch, and us girls are going to play our instruments. We're trying to put together another CD, so we need to start hammering out songs. Not an easy feat with J headed back off to college. I'm sure we'll make it work somehow, though. Last year, we did it all during Thanksgiving break, and that may be the case this year. I think we're going to take CD cover pictures tomorrow afternoon, after church some time.

Oh, yeah, and I got to see pics of my friend's wedding, which put me in the mood for wedding stuff... and I was talking to H, who will be my wedding planner someday, and we came up with some great ideas for my future wedding! I had found some beautiful dresses that I liked, but were too small for me, but in attempting to find the pictures to show her, I stumbled across a really cool dress that I like. (I sometimes feel stupid for planning all this stuff out in advance, but it's fun for me, and will save a lot of hassle when the time comes. Plus I like beautiful things, and weddings are supposed to be beautiful.)

It's on Etsy somewhere. J thinks that I should save up and actually buy a dress, if I really like it and know I won't be able to find it again sometime in the future. The nice thing is, all the dresses I'm looking at are like, one hundred to two hundred dollars. But I think it's kinda silly to buy a dress without the threat of an imminent wedding looming.

I think my dal is about done cooking. I feel better now, just having blogged. It's been nagging at me... You like to blog. Why don't you do it anymore? You really need to process through some of the stuff happening right now... You should just do it.

A dearth of internet, or opportunities to use the internet, or somesuch. In any event, it seems as though I can't quite catch the internet while it's on, or when I do, I am lacking either the time or inclination to blog.

Life goes on, with or without the internet.

I just wish that I'd hear something from D. It's been almost 2 weeks. I hope he's alright.

I really just haven't felt like blogging lately. Maybe I'm still lethargic from my long days of sleep-deprivation, or maybe there's not enough going on to really feel the need to talk about it...

I made it home, safe and sound. The kids had no idea I was coming, so when I arrived just after midnight, I waltzed up to the front door and rang the doorbell. (Everyone was still awake- that's how our family operates in summer.) Mom called out, "K, one of your friends is here for you!" She was in bed not feeling well, though, and didn't come to the door, so J did. She didn't recognize me at first (glasses and short hair- a little different than the last time they saw me!), but after a second look, she launched into loud exclamations of surprise and joy, as did the dogs, and my brother. It was great :) I was tackled in love (mostly by the dogs) and slobbered on (that was all the dogs' doings- we don't slobber on each other around here!)

So we've all just been kinda hanging out. I've adapted myself to their schedule, so I'm not going to bed until somewhere between midnight and 2 a. m. (which is anywhere from 10 to 12 my time). It's okay, it's only for a week. I don't really like it, though. I mean, I won't be continuing it when I go home. I've realized that I actually prefer to be up and about in the mornings (not too early, though!), which is a dramatic shift from my previous night-owl preferences.  I mean, I kinda like staying up late, but I don't want to continue it over the long haul.

The first day I was here, I was very lethargic. We sat around and watched movies, mostly. I made my first batch of chicken noodle soup, and it came out excellent. I got to talk to D (another bonus to staying up late-- since he's 3 hours earlier, it's about midnight here when he gets off work), which was nice. He got my letters. Interesting conversation ensued from that... he's seen my ups and downs, my fears and anxieties, my anger, my elation, my moodiness, my pain, and... as he said, "I don't want someone better than you. I want you." Awwwwww.....  He told my mom that he really likes me. Sigh. I'm turning into what I always despised and feared. Ironic, isn't it? But, yes, I'm smitten. Bother.

Yesterday we took J, the youngest, shopping for "first day of school" clothes. She wanted a special outfit to make a good first impression. I ended up walking away with 2 really cute "shirts"/shrug-thingies myself, and today I had to stop by Goodwill to pick up a bathing suit top, and I got a couple more really cute things. Quite feminine. Lacy, and all that.

Mom got her colonoscopy done today, and it showed everything as normal, which is extremely frustrating, because she's in such constant, intense pain that she needs 2 Vicodin just to be able to function normally... every couple hours. They have no idea what's wrong with her, and it pains me to see her in this pain, because I understand what it's like to live in chronic pain. It sucks. I mean, it really, really sucks. It wears you down, it saps the joy of living, it eats you alive. It's not fair. And... we're all helpless to do anything about it. Grr. R, more than anyone else, feels this frustration. He's an in-command guy, a military man, used to getting stuff done, fixing things, accomplishing, and now, he's helpless. That must be awful, especially when it's the one you love the most that you are powerless to help.

When she recovers from the anesthesia, she's going to show me how to apply makeup. I don't wear it very often, but I wanted to play around with some colors and techniques, and I asked her to help me. We're going to pull out her old, unused makeup and play around. It'll be fun! Like a girl's date night :)

Good news- I've been eating healthier again, and being active/exercising, and I'm slimming down again. Whew. The acne, though, is as bad as ever. Mom's taking me to her doctor tomorrow to see if there's anything they can do to help. I'd like to have clear skin. It's been like, 10 years, and with this worst-ever outbreak, I think it's time to do something more drastic than "let's avoid the foods I'm allergic to and hope it gets better" and "let's try this soap!" Sunlight seems to help as well, so I'm going to be more proactive about baring my skin (when people aren't around!). Working in the garden might be just the ticket. I did sunbathe today before the sky clouded up, so hopefully that will help. (That's what I needed the bathing suit top for.)

My time here is basically going to be vacation- watch movies and TV with the kids ('cause that's pretty much all they do), play games together, walk the dogs (I'm going to bust out the rollerblades tonight, I think), just be around. Yup. So unexciting, yet so... nice. I couldn't live like this every day, though. I guess that's why it's vacation. :)

Ahhhhhh....

The house is clean. There's nothing quite like the feel of a home clean and ready for Sabbath. I love it.

Since H's love language is acts of service, I decided to put forth some extra effort and really make things tidy for when she gets back on Sunday. I even scrubbed the shower. I dislike scrubbing the shower.

So, on to the topic of my thoughts for today!

"How are you and D doing?" I get that question a lot. And it makes sense- those who I call are those I'm close to, and those I'm close to know that this is a totally new frontier for me. I'm not offended in any way by their questions, it just makes me chuckle that almost every person would ask the same question, phrased in almost the exact same way. (The alternative phraseology is "How are things going with you and D?")

And things are... going. We're progressing normally, I think. C asked me today if we'd said "I love you" to each other yet. I must admit, I was rather flabbergasted and slightly horrified by the idea. Not horrified by the idea of saying "I love you" to D (that is actually a rather pleasant prospect ^_^), but horrified by the idea of introducing something so weighty into our relationship so soon. I mean, like is one thing, but love? That's a whole different ballpark.

I know I like him. I am attracted to him physically, I think he's quite good looking, and he has the ability to give me butterflies. He has a good sense of humor, and we can laugh together (although once in a while he cracks a joke that I think is kind of crude, but I'm willing to overlook that). As a matter of fact, we do laugh together, quite a bit. He's intelligent, logical, resourceful, he seems to be a good, hard worker, and he loves his mom a lot. He's very good to his mother. (That gives me hints on how he would treat a future wife.) He's encouraging when I'm discouraged, and he's steady but fun. He's kind. He loves the outdoors. (We may have issues there... I don't like hiking as much as he does, I think. I mean, I enjoy it, but it's not my number one favorite activity.) Ahh, yes, and he loves God.

That, to me, is key. He has a testimony, an experience. I refuse to be caught up in another relationship where I cannot worship God alongside my partner. I won't.

I asked him today about his spiritual life. Because it was at the end of the conversation, I posed it as a question to think about overnight, and we can compare answers tomorrow. The question was, "What is your spiritual life like? Also, how would you summarize where you are with God?" I need to think about it myself, and figure out how to put it into words. So... we'll see.

Honestly, I don't know how to tell if someone is spiritually compatible, really, because everyone's relationship with God is unique. There's not a blueprint I can compare his answer with. C gave me some advice, which was that the key thing is that he be willing and wanting to grow, and that I need to take his answer and pray about it, and let God tell me whether or not we are compatible.

So things are... going. We talk when we can. He called me beautiful once. He sent me flowers :) We made mutual admissions of missing each other. I haven't done much in the way "mush", for a few reasons. First of all, I want our relationship to be based on more than mere emotions. Secondly, well... I'm shy. Thirdly, I fear rejection. Fourthly, if we do split up for some reason, I want it to be as painless as possible, so the less I "mush", the easier that would be.

But I do care for him, very much. He's a wonderful man. I'm glad that he's a part of my life.

Today's the day. I'm all packed up and moved back into my car, ready to head to another cabin. The only thing that's waiting is for me to head down to "Headquarters" and receive my cabin assignment to move in there.

One of the other counselors flew in last night and spent the night in my cabin. It was nice to have someone around when I got up this morning... even if Boss did wake me up when he brought her to my house. (10:45!)

So... we'll see what the summer holds. If it's anything like the last couple of weeks, it's going to be a doozy. Lots of learning experiences. As D and I were discussing the difficulties I have with the Boss, he said, "Maybe you're not supposed to enjoy the summer." Thanks, D, for the uplifting and encouraging thought. lol. He clarified, and what he meant was that maybe this summer is not supposed to be a happy, carefree, easy summer for me, but a hard one, for growth and character development.

Whatever God brings my way, I'll be okay with... eventually. I know I don't like the tough times when they're here, but usually I can look back on them as some of my favorite times.

So... anticipation, excitement, and trepidation are all vying for a place in the forefront of my mind. I'm just going to take it as it comes.

Hang on to your buttons, kids!

D and I are having problems. Rather, I should say that I’m having a problem with D. He just doesn’t know about it yet. I’m going to talk to him about it next time we talk, because I want to address it so it doesn’t turn into resentment in my heart.

We haven’t talked in several days. That’s not the problem. I know that our lives don’t revolve around each other, and I survived 23 years without talking to him on the phone once. Not talking on the phone is not the issue.

The issue I’m having is that, 3 days in a row, he’s said he was going to call... and then he didn’t. (Actually, I have to amend that. He called last night, but after I was asleep and my phone was off... even though I told him I was going to bed at nine. Maybe he was thinking Alaska time? I dunno.)

See, he’s working again. That’s wonderful, and I’m happy for him. He’s remodeling a house, and they’re working crazy hours. Again, that’s not the problem. I miss being able to talk to him whenever I want, but it’s okay. I’m glad he’s working, and I know he is, too. 

But it’s the fact that he said he was going to call, and then didn’t. I really look forward to our conversations, especially right now when the days are long and I’m rather isolated, and I look forward to conversations with those back home. Talking with him is fun, it’s relaxing, and it helps me to refocus and sort of recharge for the next day. Since he said he was going to call, I began anticipating the phone call... only to be let down. It’s happened a few times before, when he didn’t have service. It’s understandable. But to have that let-down several days in a row... it’s painful. I don’t like it. If he doesn’t think he’ll be able to call, I’d rather he not say anything.

And now, I find myself all skeptical. He left me a voicemail, saying he’s working crazy hours and all, and that he’d call today. I found myself thinking, Yeah, sure. I’ve heard that one before. I don’t like that!

Of course, there’s some hurt mingled in with the disappointment... I know he has good reasons. I know he does, and that’s why I feel so dumb for feeling this way. But there’s a fraction of me that feels, You’re not very important to him. When he’s got nothing to do, sure he’ll call you. But when there’s stuff to be done, you take the back seat. You’re not a priority. Because, when he says he’s going to be calling, I make space in my schedule for that. Our phone calls are important to me. But there are other conversations I could have had, people I could have connected with, if I had just known that he wasn’t actually going to call!

*sigh*

I’m glad I’m processing through this now, so that I don’t jump down his throat about this or anything. No attacking. I need to communicate how I feel, is all.

And you know what? My reaction would be the same if any of the people in my life close to me did this. At first, I was scared that I was overreacting... then I thought about how I would feel and react if it were various people... and my reaction is the same. Good to know that it’s just a “me” thing and not a “relationship” thing, if that makes sense.

What is a mile, a span of distance?

On paper it means nothing--

insignificant millimeters on a map.

But when that mile multiplies a thousand-plus times,

it keeps me from your side,

and I wonder how I ever thought Alaska wasn't very far from here.

What is an hour? Sixty minutes is all,

a drop in the bucket of a day well-spent.

Elastic, shape-shifting increment of time--

one rushing by, late for a date with Destiny,

another casually wandering through, enjoying the sights,

yet another digging claws painfully deep,
afraid of its fate and refusing to budge.

The last one knows me well-- it sits on my lap and

breathes down my neck as we wait, together, for your call.

What is a hand? They are all around me,

shapes, sizes, colors-- all varying.

They bend, they grasp, they close, they open,

they work and rest and bear the brunt of our intentions...

They also unite, heart to heart. They calm and comfort.

I look at my hands, and I think of your hands,

and I wonder how they would look together?

J called last night, so I got to talk to her and the family. It was so nice! I miss them... not overwhelmingly, like at times... just a general ache... like a toothache, but bigger.

We ended up talking about D (of course! I need someone that I can laugh and giggle with about it!), and I admitted something to her that I haven't been able to bring myself to say out loud yet. (Of course, then the whole family perked up- "What? Something important and secretive? Tell us!" and I had to repeat it so they could hear LOL)

Basically, I told her that I think I'm falling in love with the guy, and it scares the living daylights out of me. Why? Well, several contributing factors, I think...

1. It's only been a little over a month! I mean, I liked him before we started dating and all, but are you even allowed to think about this kind of thing so soon?! So that scares me... that I have these feelings for him, so soon... (and I know it's not just a physical attraction lol. As I'm getting to know him through our conversations, I'm just more and more... impressed with who he is, and how he thinks. I really admire him in a lot of ways... but it also makes me nervous that I haven't seen any negative character traits in him. Am I romanticizing, or airbrushing, or justifying, or is he really just that great?)

2. I'm afraid to love someone again, because last time I did, it was incredibly painful and difficult to part ways. I'm not certain of the future in any way, shape, or form, and if D isn't the one that I'm to marry, then I don't want these feelings to be here, because it will be painful to part if God asks us to. Granted, we don't have anywhere near the level of intimacy that C and I had, but it will still hurt.

3. What if it isn't mutual? I know that hurting me would be the last thing on earth that he would do intentionally, but what if he decides that this just isn't going to work for him? Then I'm left out in the cold with these dumb feelings!

4. He's not what I envisioned myself falling for. He has this history, and he's older, and he's not a colporteur or part of that culture AT ALL... He's not what I expected. (I feel like I must always "defend" him when people ask about him.
"So, tell me about this guy! How old is he?" That's almost always the first question. WHY?!
"Oh, he's in his thirties..." But only for one more year! lol
"Oh, really? So he's older, huh? Well, has he been married before or anything?"
"Actually, yes."
"...Oh. ...Really?"

And so on, so forth. Maybe I feel threatened? I don't know. But I hate that sense of surprised consternation that emanates from people when they find out these facts. I just want to straight out say, "Look, he's more than his age and his past. I made mistakes, too. I'm not holding his against him, and he's not holding mine against me, and God's forgiven us both. Can we please move past this?" Maybe I should.

I think it's because I want people's approval. I want them to be happy for me, and they kind of aren't. If he were my age, they would! But because he's older and has a sketchy past, they have these reservations, which, by the way, are totally understandable and legit.

This is the longest side note ever.)

And he's not what I expected. He surprises me in a lot of ways. I would never have pegged him for the "people person" that he is. I never would have thought he was so tender and thoughtful. However, he is every bit as rugged and resilient as I thought he was, and then some.

None of this is what I expected. I was terrified entering this relationship, to be sure... but I went into it with this unconscious set of expectations. I didn't expect him to be so encouraging and uplifting. I've always been the one that's done that in the past... GM was encouraging, but in a stronger, different way. I don't feel like I'm being "fixed" with D. I didn't expect him to care about my thoughts and feelings as much- as in, liking to hear me talk about my day and my reactions to it, or my opinions on matters. I didn't expect him to, well, kinda cherish me... I don't know if that's the right word, but that's the sense I get. I didn't expect him to enjoy my personality.

I didn't expect to enjoy and look forward to our conversations this much. I didn't expect him to be concerned when I'm not feeling well, and to be okay with my food and health limitations. I didn't expect to laugh together this much. I didn't expect to miss him this much. I didn't expect to have so much in common... I thought we would be so strikingly different... and we are, in ways. But we're so similar in a lot of funny, little ways, in addition to bigger, more important ways.

I didn't expect him to believe in me and my potential. I didn't expect that I would grow to respect him this much. I didn't expect that I would have to hold myself back from saying so many things that I would like to, for the sake of both our hearts... for the sake of the relationship. I didn't expect that he would look forward to communicating with my family.

I didn't expect that I would feel this way... especially so soon. My internal panic alarms are going off... Mayday! Mayday!

I don't trust myself to love him, if that makes sense. It's not that I'm not capable of love, because I love the S's, and I love my family, and I love H (both of them!), and I love... lots of people. That's why I so long to be back home. But those loves don't require me to weigh whether or not it's wise. I'm supposed to love them! But with D... I don't trust myself to love him unselfishly. I don't trust myself to figure out what's really love and what's just infatuation. I'm scared of that, too. I'm afraid that it's just infatuation and I'm not really falling in love with him. I'm afraid that I'll be completely twitterpated, run off and marry him, and then wake up one day to realize it was a mistake. That's what I'm afraid of, really. Because falling in love precedes marriage, and what if we shouldn't be married? What if it's a mistake?

Ahhhh! I'm so glad he can't see all this. If only he knew what he was doing to my braiiiiin!

Anyway... I think he might call tonight. That'd be grand.
(That's another thing I didn't expect- for us to develop these little traditions, such as him being the one that calls me. Always. With very few exceptions.)

Finally! Time to sit down and process through the last couple of days!

Monday, I arrived at the camp, and was immediately put to work in the cafeteria. After supper was over and the kitchen cleaned, then I headed over to my "new" house to move in... but I was waylaid for about half an hour by my friendly neighbor, J, who also happens to be my half-boss.

There is a reason why I'm here before summer camp starts... The story is that there was this guy who worked here at the camp- nice kid. Totally normal. (That's what they always say!) Then, one day, he apparently snapped, shot and killed one of the housekeepers, and was going to kill all the rest of the staff. However, he must have come to his senses, because he turned himself in. After this story got out, camp attendance dropped... drastically. (Uh, yeah!) So, this year, the Boss decided that he needed someone to go around to the different elementary schools and pump up the camp, get the kids excited! That's where I enter the story.

I'm basically here because some guy freaked out and killed someone else here on camp grounds. But here's the best part... My little apartment they gave me to stay in? Yeah, it was the killer's house. D laughed so hard when I told him... he said it was "haunted" (jokingly, of course).

But no one had really even stepped foot in here for about a year and a half, since the guy's parents came to collect his stuff. So it was pretty dirty... and strewn with the carcasses of bugs... and the evidences of mice. So, in between work times yesterday, I scrubbed and swept and vacuumed and aired out the place (which means I essentially worked a twelve hour day yesterday- no wonder it was so hard for me to get up this morning!!)

D called last night, and I was thrilled to hear from him. I had been hoping he'd call. It was a bright hope to look forward to... and it got me through the day. (Odds are he won't call tonight, though. Drat.)

See, the thing is... I don't like working in the kitchen. But, this is where they need me the most, so I'll do it... and God is using it to teach me cheerfulness and thankfulness in spite of circumstances. It's been good, but challenging... and I can't wait for each day to be done.

I made a mistake today in the time I was supposed to come in for lunch prep, so I was fifteen minutes late. Gaaah... Kill me. I hate making mistakes! So I did the dishes as penance. I think I'm the only one who thought of it that way, though :)

I've realized that my being in the kitchen is a witnessing opportunity. It's kind of weird, because I never thought of it that way, until I actually found myself there, but my interactions with the people we feed really can influence their conception of Christians in general, and Adventists in particular. I get the chance to serve them, and to show them Jesus. That applies to my fellow staff, too... so I've been really praying about maintaining cheerfulness.

The funny thing is, the group here now is a rather conservative group (and vegan, which irks the kitchen staff somewhat)... the culture is much the same as SOULS. However, the staff here don't know I'm from that culture, so I get to hear exactly what they think about it without there being any walls of caution there. And, interestingly, the group doesn't realize that I'm "one of them". They think I'm just another staff member. It's like I'm caught between two worlds, but I don't belong to either one any more. I've got an interesting perspective, that's for sure...

One guy, though, pegged me as a SOULSer. He stopped me in the lobby. "You're from SOULS West, aren't you?"

Yes, I am. How did you know?

"I saw you speak at Faith Camp last year."

Oh, really? Yeah, I gave that talk on Ezekiel 28.

"That's right. So you're working here this summer? Good for you!"

It was funny. But it was also sobering, because I realized... people are watching me. So, although I don't really care for the work that I'm doing, I'll do it with a smile... because that's what I want people to see about God- that he's enjoyable.

D helped to encourage me last night. I shared my thoughts about cheerfulness and thankfulness, and what I'm learning, and how I'm choosing to view this thing as one big adventure... but then I also shared my honest opinions. Hehe... they're not necessarily the best. I'm not super impressed. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure I'd work here again. Regardless, I'm here now.

I so appreciate how D can help me to see the positive when I'm overwhelmed with homesickness or fighting discouragement and disillusionment. Because, really, seeing the positive is what's going to get me through this... adventure. If I focus on any or all of the negative things, I will easily be overwhelmed and swept away.

It's pretty obvious that we both desire to be in the same place. I haven't seen him since before I left, which would be two months and some change... and it's going to be many more months till we see each other again. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad for the way things are, and I appreciate what we have, a lot. But I do long to be near him, to see him, and to do stuff together. He said he'll cook me some fish :) But, as Jim Elliot said, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."

Maybe it will be easier when the summer gets going, and I'm distracted by all the kids. (And only able to have my phone once a week.) He's going to send me letters, though. I'm so excited! I love letters :)

I miss my family, too. When I'm in the kitchen snapping peas or chopping yams, I smile to think that I'll be doing that for the family soon. The summer will fly, I'm sure... but I can't wait to go home. (It's been two months already... *sigh*)

Off I go, into the wild blue yonder...

I'm heading up to Camp today. Pretty much everything is packed- all that's left is to pack up my trusty car.

This summer... I want it to be... good? Yes, good, but more than that... impacting. I want lives to be changed.

I get overwhelmed when I think about all the needs to be met... all the people that I'm supposed to witness to... and it's scary, because when I think about sharing "the blessed hope", I wonder... how can I share what's so shaky within me in the first place? I mean... I struggle so much with just the basics... I was a Bible worker, and I can't even give a basic Bible study on salvation. That's bad, huh? Like, if someone were to ask me, "What does the Bible say about salvation?" I could not guide them to the correct verses.

I could, however, tell them what God's done for me... but then again, I'm not the inspired word of God, so how much weight does that carry?

I guess I'm just discouraged/encouraged... because in my Talk with God this morning, I read Psalm 105, which said to me, basically, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT GOD'S GOING TO DO! He does the most unlikely things- seriously. In addition, all those big events swirling around the Israelites... God was in control of them, the whole time. If he didn't actively cause something, he allowed it.

How can I fear about the state of the world around me? Do I think that God is too small to notice, too weak to handle it?

The cool thing was, verses 1-5 are a capsule of how to "live Christian", if you know what I mean. Basically, this is what walking with God is all about. It's pretty cool! And, it is a big relief, because I think, "Whew! This is not as intimidating as I had thought... this might actually be possible in my life! Yippee!"

Anyway... I wonder if the kids' parents know that one of their *potential* counselors is this... I don't know... what's the word... immature? I guess I just feel that, since I went to a Bible College, I should be past this.

However, voices in my head, I will inform you that this struggling and hashing things out is the building blocks for a solid future, thankyouverymuch. So get out.

I've got to go pack now.

(Okay, one quick side note... super hilarious... when I was talking to D last night, I mentioned that I had "found the best thing in North America!" He immediately responded, "Oh, you mean me!" LOL! I managed to choke out a reply in the midst of my shock... something to the effect of, "Pssht, what-ever! I meant a radio station." It was funny, though. He's quick, that one.

And, just now, he sent me a promised picture of the mountain across the river from him... with the caption, "Good morning, beautiful". Eep! I'm not even going to respond to that one. I'll pretend I never saw it. What in the world would I say to something like that, anyway??)

I have discovered the most amazing thing in North America, and quite possibly the universe as well.

(But it's only amazing if you like the Baroque era of music. Just a warning.)

Sunday Baroque

I've been listening for the past... 3 hours. At least.

Finally, a Sunday I enjoy! Usually, I dislike Sundays, just because the rhythms of the day tend to get messed up with sleeping in and all... banks are closed, post office is closed, etc. It just throws everything off. They are awkward.

Buuuut, today was rather enjoyable. (So far.) I had a good Talk with God this morning, the shower was nice and hot (it's hit and miss around here), I feel TONS better than I have the past several days, and I found this amazing music to listen to. I got the fridge cleaned out, most of my stuff packed, a pot of beans (sans garlic this time) simmering to freeze later, and I think I'll make bread this evening, after I pack up my food items. Oh, yeah, and an amazing lunch! (Penne alfredo- made with sunflower seeds and pine nuts, toast with olive oil and fresh basil leaves, and broccoli. YUM!)

It's been a day of getting things done. I like that.

In addition, I wrote H a thank you/goodbye card to leave with the jasmine candle I got her. We had oohed and ahhed over the Yankee Candles in a nearby art and framing store, and the jasmine candle was the one that tickled both our fancies the most... so I figure it's an appropriate parting gift. I didn't have any wrapping paper, so I wrapped it in tissue paper (not an easy feat, considering the candle is cylindrical, and the wrapping paper is square) and folded some kudsukama flowers out of pretty paper to decorate the top. (Note to self: do not use heavy paper next time!)

It's been a weekend of reality check, too... I bumped into a friend of mine in church yesterday, and after a while he asked what my plans were next year. I told him, of course, that I'm headed back to Idaho to study agriculture for a year (it sounds so impressive, doesn't it?), and that I was praying about starting a support group for abuse victims. He immediately encouraged me to do the group, which meant a lot to me, since I really respect his opinion. He knows about doing new ventures for God... After all, he did start the Magabook industry back in the 80's.

I've been praying... Lord, should I do this, or should I not? Is it just because I want to feel like a leader? Do I really have anything to contribute? Is this my idea, or yours? Is this just me, or do you really want me to do this? After thinking about it a while, the only things holding me back are a.) Hesitation that it might not be what God wants me to do, and b.) fear of failure, fear of risk... just... fear.

*Sigh*

Oh, and this weekend, I read another book, When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. It helped me understand what C was talking about with the "feminine mystique" thing- at least, what I think she was trying to get across! It was less being coy and more preserving my purity and not selling myself cheap. I was challenged when I realized that saving physical affection and sexual purity for my future husband isn't really the end of the line. Someday, I want to be able to give him my heart, my emotions, my everything... and I don't want those to be things that I carelessly tossed to the highest bidder. Now, don't get me wrong, I know how to do this... when I'm single.

The problem, and the challenge, lies in the fact that I'm now dating D. How do I maintain my emotional purity while in a dating relationship? While pondering this, I realized that I had gotten too "into" this relationship... I was so ready to hand him my heart, without him even asking! No way, dude!

I mean, I know that the relationship needs to progress in order to be healthy, but... if I'm throwing everything I have and am into this from the get-go, there will be nothing for him to discover... and there will be nothing to save.

Does this even make any sense? It does in my head. We're getting to know each other. That's a fact. We both like each other. That's undeniable. But that doesn't mean that I should now drop my reserves and completely expose my heart to him. Discretion, I believe it's called.

What I was yearning to pour into D, I'm now channeling elsewhere. I've started writing letters to my future husband. It helps me keep perspective, and gives me a place to put all that mushy gushy stuff without endangering or rushing my relationship with D.

Mom once told me, while I was still getting to know/ dating GM, "Treasure this time. If things move forward, you won't ever have these moments back."

She's right. I'm going to savor this phase, and not worry about what lies ahead. What does rushing into the future gain? Absolutely nothing.