Whirlwind

Life is whirling around me, faster than I can take it in.

One one hand, that's good. I love to be busy.

On the other hand, it's stressful, and I don't handle stress terribly well. I'm better than I used to be, but still...

D and I officially split up last Thurs. I had sent him a "break-up voicemail" several weeks ago, but I guess he didn't have service. He got it, but then went out of service again, so it was several weeks. We both realize that he has no room in his life for a relationship right now, but he did say that we would keep in touch. (I questioned that, but he insisted... so does that mean I'll hear from him every six months?) I asked if he wanted me to write to him, and he said yes. (I'm limiting myself to one letter a month.) Now that he has bought property and has an address, that's actually possible. That also means, though, that he's not coming back here.

It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I cried after we hung up, and I cried a little that night when I talked to C, but I haven't since. I have peace. I already went through the pain when I sent him the voicemail, and now I only have peace. Peace, and a lingering impression that it's not over. Is that false hope, or an impression from God? I don't trust myself, so I say it's false hope. Every "mentor" type person I've talked to, though, doesn't think it's over. I refuse to cling to hope.

I love him. If God wants me to love him as a friend, I can get used to that. I've been praying that if there is no future, would God please take away my love for him? It's odd... this is not a feeling like I've ever had before. I don't know how to describe it but "pure"-- at least, purer than the love I had for C. It's like, I really, really want the best for D, even if that means I'm out of the picture. I want him to draw close to God, and if I can somehow help lift him higher, then that's what I want. If God needs me to be a supportive friend for him, and that's it, then that's what I'll do.

Even after praying for God to take away the love, it's not gone, but very quiet. Laying low. Subdued? The surging, infatuational emotions are gone. It's just... steady. Steady and quiet.

What's going on inside of me?

I'm fearful that B may be gathering his forces to make another attempt at romancing me. Don't do it! He's lonely, but that still doesn't make it right, or comfortable for me.

We're getting ready to head out of town for a church gathering in a neighboring state. When you have so many food limitations, it's difficult... and I know D and C are stressed about K and her bf once we get there... I'm glad for this brief reprieve to try to collect my thoughts. It seems I've been going nonstop today, and it doesn't look like it's going to ease up for the next month or so. Strength, Lord, give me strength... body, mind, and soul...


K is out in the kitchen, listening to Disney songs on the internet. Why? She's been going through many changes lately, it seems... I think she's trying to figure herself out. I see it in the way she dresses, what she's listening to, what she says... it's interesting. I bet that it was "interesting" to watch me go through all those changes and struggles last year. I have to remember that I was just there myself. I cannot look down on her for this, or I will be a hypocrite of hypocrites. I'm trying to remember to pray for her. That helps change my perspective, for sure...

Found out today that people whose cancer has metastasized have practically a zero percent chance of survival. D's cancer has metastasized; that's why he's having surgery next month.

What can you do in the face of such odds but pray?

I have some tasks to finish yet today before the whirlwind of tomorrow hits me. I should go.

Oh, yeah... Mom called me. She watched Forks Over Knives, and she and my littlest sis have decided to adopt a completely plant-based diet, and try to limit their intake of refined, processed foods. Iiiiinteresting, especially now that she's calling, picking my brain for quick, healthy vegetarian food. I knew there was a reason I've been "training" in specialty cooking these past few years :)