I had a good chat with my friend J today. She's on the verge of a relationship, and I'm very happy for her. He seems like a really solid, nice guy, and she deserves that. She's pretty amazing. She needs someone good. Anything less and, well... I just can't see her with someone not totally awesome. Her standards are too high.
I shared with her about the confusing text from D, and we talked about him a little bit. What she told me made sense, and having those thoughts bouncing around in my head helped to crystallize some thought processes that were in the works, so as I continued thinking while at work, I came to some realizations.
One thing J said was, "A bird can love a fish, but where will they live?" And she knows this from experience, having been in a similar situation not too long ago. She loved this guy, more or less, but realized that it was not "right". They would not make a good match in the long run, so she ended it.
Another thing she said was that she thinks that I need to do better. Then she rephrased it--"not necessarily a better person, but a better match".
That helped sort of bump me over a mental block I'd been having. A few people have told me, "You can do better," but I think, how? He's such a great person! But we definitely do have clashes in values. It's not that he's not a good person, it's that we're not necessarily a great match.
As I talked with his mom some time ago, I realized, Whoa! I am really not the girl for him! I mean, I could try to be what I think he wants, but how lame is that? Who wants to spend their life pretending?
So, this bird loves a fish, but truly, where would we live?
Anyway, I realized later on in the day... it dawned upon me... I can say no. Just because he says he needs me doesn't mean that I am automatically tied to him. I can say no, and I'll be okay, and he'll be okay. His world will not end, and neither will mine.
You see, growing up in dysfunction and abuse, "No" didn't mean much. In fact, if I said "No", I might lose love. The desire for love is a driving factor in a lot of my choices, or at least, it has been. And deep down I'm fearful that if I say "No", then I will be losing my chance, forever. If I don't seize the opportunity of someone who likes me, I'll be alone forever. So, even though it's not ideal, it's better than nothing, right?
Fortunately, that's not actually true.
I thought to myself earlier today, Why did he have to text me?! If only I could just say "no" and move on with my life!...
Later I realized... I can. Yes, I can. Just because he's longing or lonely or whatever in no way means that I am obligated to reciprocate.
Wow! Does anyone else realize how earth-shattering these realizations are?! I am not obligated to reciprocate!
And I thought to myself, Boy, it sure is flattering to be needed... but don't let yourself be flattered and beguiled into the wrong decision. That's how Eve went down.
It's just exciting to me to see how God's bringing me along. Used to be that I could not walk away from a potential relationship.
Don't get me wrong-- I'd love to date him again. I mean, I really like him. But I don't think that, at this point, it's best for either of us.
Ah, well, people change their minds all the time. My actions may switch around, BUT these realizations stand!
I shared with her about the confusing text from D, and we talked about him a little bit. What she told me made sense, and having those thoughts bouncing around in my head helped to crystallize some thought processes that were in the works, so as I continued thinking while at work, I came to some realizations.
One thing J said was, "A bird can love a fish, but where will they live?" And she knows this from experience, having been in a similar situation not too long ago. She loved this guy, more or less, but realized that it was not "right". They would not make a good match in the long run, so she ended it.
Another thing she said was that she thinks that I need to do better. Then she rephrased it--"not necessarily a better person, but a better match".
That helped sort of bump me over a mental block I'd been having. A few people have told me, "You can do better," but I think, how? He's such a great person! But we definitely do have clashes in values. It's not that he's not a good person, it's that we're not necessarily a great match.
As I talked with his mom some time ago, I realized, Whoa! I am really not the girl for him! I mean, I could try to be what I think he wants, but how lame is that? Who wants to spend their life pretending?
So, this bird loves a fish, but truly, where would we live?
Anyway, I realized later on in the day... it dawned upon me... I can say no. Just because he says he needs me doesn't mean that I am automatically tied to him. I can say no, and I'll be okay, and he'll be okay. His world will not end, and neither will mine.
You see, growing up in dysfunction and abuse, "No" didn't mean much. In fact, if I said "No", I might lose love. The desire for love is a driving factor in a lot of my choices, or at least, it has been. And deep down I'm fearful that if I say "No", then I will be losing my chance, forever. If I don't seize the opportunity of someone who likes me, I'll be alone forever. So, even though it's not ideal, it's better than nothing, right?
Fortunately, that's not actually true.
I thought to myself earlier today, Why did he have to text me?! If only I could just say "no" and move on with my life!...
Later I realized... I can. Yes, I can. Just because he's longing or lonely or whatever in no way means that I am obligated to reciprocate.
Wow! Does anyone else realize how earth-shattering these realizations are?! I am not obligated to reciprocate!
And I thought to myself, Boy, it sure is flattering to be needed... but don't let yourself be flattered and beguiled into the wrong decision. That's how Eve went down.
It's just exciting to me to see how God's bringing me along. Used to be that I could not walk away from a potential relationship.
Don't get me wrong-- I'd love to date him again. I mean, I really like him. But I don't think that, at this point, it's best for either of us.
Ah, well, people change their minds all the time. My actions may switch around, BUT these realizations stand!
0 thoughts: