The nice thing about the running-away impulse is that it is just that-- an impulse. I know it will pass, eventually, even if it kills me to stay where I'm at.
But I'm planted here. God is using me. How or why, I can't fathom... but these girls have attached themselves to me in an unexpected (to me) way.
I'm seriously considering coming back and joining the staff of the Healing Journey when I'm done with school. I've been asked to. I'll get to use massage for what I wanted it for. Hmmm... I'll just have to wait and see what doors God opens and closes.
Depression. It comes and goes. Right now, it's mostly gone. I hiked Telegraph Pass, and felt much better. Mom called partway into my hike, so I climbed a small mountain to sit and talk to her for almost an hour. After that, I no longer felt like the hike was to punish myself, but to challenge myself. It was good. I still haven't made it to the top, but I've only tried twice, and each time I get farther than before. If I keep doing my best and going farther than I've gone before, inevitably I will reach the top. I mean, if I went from halfway to two-thirds of the way, it's totally doable!
Mom and I both wonder if I don't have some sort of chemical imbalance going on... I may talk to my doctor about it.
However, more importantly, I'm on the waiting list for a counselor who deals with abuse issues. From what I understand, she also does Christian counseling, and I am glad.
This whole thing with C has forced me to really look at myself, and I saw... I saw that I go through this same spiral whether I'm doing the "right" thing or the "wrong" thing. Common denominator? Me. I've got some deep-rooted issues that need to be processed through and healed. I firmly believe that God is going to heal me from the inside out, and that as I heal, my behaviors will fall in line... 'cause honestly, I'm so tired of manufacturing righteousness... of doing the "right" thing out of fear-- fear that God will abandon me or hate me, fear that other people will no longer like me, fear of censure and rejection...
I want to want to do the right thing. Right now... I don't want to, in some ways. But I want to want to, and I think that's a good thing. God gave me Psalm 37:3, 4 today. It seemed to me to be saying, "You want to do the right thing. Good. Delight yourself in me, and it'll be okay."
Gramma was afraid I was leaving the church or something. No way! I love God. He has my allegiance, whatever percentage or strength that amounts to.
Yesterday, as I was hiking and thinking and praying, I realized... I'm really messed up right now... and that's okay. Because God is bigger than I am. He's the Fixer, the Deliverer. I won't be like this forever.
I sat C down last night and told him what I learned from this little run-in with depression. I told him about finding a counselor. I told him why I need to be with him. I also told him that, as I get help, I will be growing and changing, and that as I heal I won't need him anymore like I do now.
Mom and R both called me, and they're wonderful. Good advice. They still love me. They think I'm a good person. They're rooting for me, basically... whether I've got it all together, or whether I'm struggling and kicking and rolling around in the dirt.
Oh, and I'm now the main facilitator for the group. Apparently, B thinks I'm "incredible" and really organized and strong and confident and great with the girls, and she's just too busy to be reliable at this point. Wow. So, she'll "co-host" with me every week, but I'm the main one.
Privilege, incredulity, and a creeping sense of self-esteem. I'm a little daunted by the task, but all I have to do is what I've been doing. E is already bemoaning my absence, even though it's five months away! lol.
God is good. I'm glad I'm a part of this. It's forcing me to face issues and weaknesses I could have ignored in the busy-ness of life. (I would type "business", but that looks like the wrong word, like an organization or something.)
I have to go make my lunch for the next couple of days.
But I'm planted here. God is using me. How or why, I can't fathom... but these girls have attached themselves to me in an unexpected (to me) way.
I'm seriously considering coming back and joining the staff of the Healing Journey when I'm done with school. I've been asked to. I'll get to use massage for what I wanted it for. Hmmm... I'll just have to wait and see what doors God opens and closes.
Depression. It comes and goes. Right now, it's mostly gone. I hiked Telegraph Pass, and felt much better. Mom called partway into my hike, so I climbed a small mountain to sit and talk to her for almost an hour. After that, I no longer felt like the hike was to punish myself, but to challenge myself. It was good. I still haven't made it to the top, but I've only tried twice, and each time I get farther than before. If I keep doing my best and going farther than I've gone before, inevitably I will reach the top. I mean, if I went from halfway to two-thirds of the way, it's totally doable!
Mom and I both wonder if I don't have some sort of chemical imbalance going on... I may talk to my doctor about it.
However, more importantly, I'm on the waiting list for a counselor who deals with abuse issues. From what I understand, she also does Christian counseling, and I am glad.
This whole thing with C has forced me to really look at myself, and I saw... I saw that I go through this same spiral whether I'm doing the "right" thing or the "wrong" thing. Common denominator? Me. I've got some deep-rooted issues that need to be processed through and healed. I firmly believe that God is going to heal me from the inside out, and that as I heal, my behaviors will fall in line... 'cause honestly, I'm so tired of manufacturing righteousness... of doing the "right" thing out of fear-- fear that God will abandon me or hate me, fear that other people will no longer like me, fear of censure and rejection...
I want to want to do the right thing. Right now... I don't want to, in some ways. But I want to want to, and I think that's a good thing. God gave me Psalm 37:3, 4 today. It seemed to me to be saying, "You want to do the right thing. Good. Delight yourself in me, and it'll be okay."
Gramma was afraid I was leaving the church or something. No way! I love God. He has my allegiance, whatever percentage or strength that amounts to.
Yesterday, as I was hiking and thinking and praying, I realized... I'm really messed up right now... and that's okay. Because God is bigger than I am. He's the Fixer, the Deliverer. I won't be like this forever.
I sat C down last night and told him what I learned from this little run-in with depression. I told him about finding a counselor. I told him why I need to be with him. I also told him that, as I get help, I will be growing and changing, and that as I heal I won't need him anymore like I do now.
Mom and R both called me, and they're wonderful. Good advice. They still love me. They think I'm a good person. They're rooting for me, basically... whether I've got it all together, or whether I'm struggling and kicking and rolling around in the dirt.
Oh, and I'm now the main facilitator for the group. Apparently, B thinks I'm "incredible" and really organized and strong and confident and great with the girls, and she's just too busy to be reliable at this point. Wow. So, she'll "co-host" with me every week, but I'm the main one.
Privilege, incredulity, and a creeping sense of self-esteem. I'm a little daunted by the task, but all I have to do is what I've been doing. E is already bemoaning my absence, even though it's five months away! lol.
God is good. I'm glad I'm a part of this. It's forcing me to face issues and weaknesses I could have ignored in the busy-ness of life. (I would type "business", but that looks like the wrong word, like an organization or something.)
I have to go make my lunch for the next couple of days.
0 thoughts: