So the farther I go along this journey of faith, the more questions I find myself having. Used to be (and usually), I'll find some superficial answer that satisfies me and move on. Quite frankly, I'm not one of those deep studiers. I like to know a little about a lot, but I'm getting to the point where I'm desirous of knowing a lot about a little.
And, lately, these questions are taking me back to square one, essentially, which is somewhere I never really started. I became a Christian coming from a background of always having believed in God, at least peripherally, and having been taught certain ideas ("truths") about God and about life and about what's going to happen in the future and about how people should be. So I never questioned, really, and just sort of swept any questions I had under the cognitive rug.
Now, however, it's not so easy... especially finding my faith challenged by atheist and pagan friends. It's like, do I believe what I believe out of circumstance, or because it is the most logical conclusion? Do I believe what I believe out of ignorance and blind trust, or because I've made a rational, intelligent commitment to something I believe is real?
A little of both, I think. But I'd like to be more secure in my logical reasons for believing in God, and for believing in the Bible, and even for being an SDA.
I've been reading this book lately, Case for a Creator, and although I'm only halfway through, I know that there's no way I can ever not believe in God's existence anymore. Theism is the only reasonable scientific theory as far as the creation of the universe goes. Natural selection, Darwinism, random undirected process... I don't have enough faith to be an atheist, quite frankly.
A month ago, I told God that I was forgetting everything I'd been told about who he is, and the assumptions I've made about who he is, and I just wanted Him to show me who he is.
That's the encapsulation of my first question. I have no doubts as to God's existence anymore, but now I need to know... what kind of a God are we dealing with here? I think the very universe he created can speak on some of his characteristics: incredibly smart, foresight, intentional, attention to detail, consistent, creative, artistic, enjoys giving gifts to others.... that's all I can think of off the top of my head.
And I'm almost sure, by looking at how finely tuned and incredibly set up Earth is for discovering the rest of the universe, that he is not the god that deism portrays- starting the process of life and essentially walking away to let it take its course. No, God went to a lot of trouble to make sure that we are in a privileged position in the universe, and I can't imagine that he'd simply walk away and leave us alone after he so carefully set us up. I mean, theoretically, it's a possibility, but the evidence points elsewhere. No, I don't see deism as a viable option at this point.
So the first question is, "Who is this God?"
The second question would be, "How does he communicate with us?" I know I'm supposed to be able to find out a whole bunch of stuff from the Bible, but I first need to determine whether the Bible is trustworthy. Is it really a compilation of messages from this God to us? If so, then I can use it to answer further questions. But I don't dare use it to answer the following questions if its veracity has not been established in my mind. (Not that I've stopped reading the Bible--I know, I know... I'm in a strange place! But I need to know for myself that I can trust it, rather than just assuming I can, or resting on the fact that other people have determined its trustworthiness.) Fortuitously, a friend randomly gave me a whole set of cd's last week at church, and one series in there is called "The Picture of God in all 66", and it apparently deals with the veracity and trustworthiness of the Bible! It even touches on why there are so many apparent contradictions (which, to the best of my knowledge, is simply a matter of the translation to English). I'm hoping to come across some resources that can explain whether or not the Bible is consistent with history-- I know that I can trust Daniel 2 at the very least!
Once I establish whether or not the Bible can be used to answer my other questions, things should speed up a little.
Other questions I have may not be answered so easily, though... but they're pretty critical to me, and have been bothering me for some time.
Question three: How am I really supposed to relate to God in terms of "my strength" vs. "his strength"? I hear a lot about how "in myself, I can do nothing" and "it's all God" and so forth. Well, in my experience, that's a big fat lie. I do too have strength, and I am a strong person. Does God know what I have survived? Granted, I didn't come out the other side with healthy coping mechanisms, but I did survive. I have my weak days, but I also have a deep reservoir of strength, and my basic thought is that if God is trying to get me to give up that strength that has helped me to survive, this strength that is growing as I walk along the healing journey, then this is not the kind of God I want to have any part of. If I'm supposed to revoke my ability to handle anything, I think these Christians are barking up the wrong tree.
I don't understand the whole "rest in Me" and "tap into My strength" thing. I don't. I know that I have strength of my own, and I know that there's a limit to that, but I'm not going to deny its existence for the sake of religion. I know that God has a strength that far surpasses mine- without a limit, apparently- (I can see that just from the organization of the universe) but I don't know how to access it.
Question four: Am I really supposed to lose my identity and become this pre-designed Christian? Because anyone who even slightly knows me will know that I immediately and intensely recoil from that idea. Seriously. When I meet people that are "following the blueprint" and "heeding the counsel"... they look the same. They eat the same (weird) way. They're just... blah. Not something that I'm interested in. Where's the spark of life? Where's the enjoyment? Life was meant to be enjoyed! Yeah, it's seasoned with hard times and down days, but to live this life of sad, somber strictness is... for what? I don't know. (By the way, there are a few exceptions to that rule that I can think of... but they're few and far between.)
Like, the whole, "deny yourself" and all that. Is wanting something bad? Is pursuing something that I want bad? Oh, right. Not when I both want it and it is in line with God's will. I'm sorry for being a little sarcastic, but I've been through this "anything you want or like is automatically wrong and you don't get it because God wants to teach you to deny yourself" idea before, and I'm not going back!
The fifth question gets even more theological, and it is this: If Jesus supposedly did not have any advantage over us, and he was perfect, then why can't I be perfect too? Not that I want anyone or God to expect or demand perfection from me, but seriously- why can't I be perfect? I want the freedom of imperfection with the hope of perfection. The best of both worlds, right? ;)
And, eventually, I need to get around to dealing with this SOP issue. I still can't stand her. It really, really bothers me when people quote, or refer to "the divinely inspired writings of" or "the pen of inspiration" or whatever. I don't know why. But it just... bugs me. Something deep inside me is uncomfortable and squirms around and says, "Get me outta here!" (How did I ever make it through SOULS with an SOP aversion?!) I find myself rolling my eyes a lot, whether inwardly or outwardly. Only if no one's looking.
I suppose that many of my questions stem from my background, and the particular issues that I face. But I really, really want to search out my own answers for these, and be convinced one way or another.
Bottom line right now? I believe in God. I'm reasonably sure about the Bible. I know God's been involved in my life at least a few times, so I'm almost certain he's at least somewhat of an interpersonal God.
I still have a lot of questions, and, honestly... I don't think that's a bad thing.
And, lately, these questions are taking me back to square one, essentially, which is somewhere I never really started. I became a Christian coming from a background of always having believed in God, at least peripherally, and having been taught certain ideas ("truths") about God and about life and about what's going to happen in the future and about how people should be. So I never questioned, really, and just sort of swept any questions I had under the cognitive rug.
Now, however, it's not so easy... especially finding my faith challenged by atheist and pagan friends. It's like, do I believe what I believe out of circumstance, or because it is the most logical conclusion? Do I believe what I believe out of ignorance and blind trust, or because I've made a rational, intelligent commitment to something I believe is real?
A little of both, I think. But I'd like to be more secure in my logical reasons for believing in God, and for believing in the Bible, and even for being an SDA.
I've been reading this book lately, Case for a Creator, and although I'm only halfway through, I know that there's no way I can ever not believe in God's existence anymore. Theism is the only reasonable scientific theory as far as the creation of the universe goes. Natural selection, Darwinism, random undirected process... I don't have enough faith to be an atheist, quite frankly.
A month ago, I told God that I was forgetting everything I'd been told about who he is, and the assumptions I've made about who he is, and I just wanted Him to show me who he is.
That's the encapsulation of my first question. I have no doubts as to God's existence anymore, but now I need to know... what kind of a God are we dealing with here? I think the very universe he created can speak on some of his characteristics: incredibly smart, foresight, intentional, attention to detail, consistent, creative, artistic, enjoys giving gifts to others.... that's all I can think of off the top of my head.
And I'm almost sure, by looking at how finely tuned and incredibly set up Earth is for discovering the rest of the universe, that he is not the god that deism portrays- starting the process of life and essentially walking away to let it take its course. No, God went to a lot of trouble to make sure that we are in a privileged position in the universe, and I can't imagine that he'd simply walk away and leave us alone after he so carefully set us up. I mean, theoretically, it's a possibility, but the evidence points elsewhere. No, I don't see deism as a viable option at this point.
So the first question is, "Who is this God?"
The second question would be, "How does he communicate with us?" I know I'm supposed to be able to find out a whole bunch of stuff from the Bible, but I first need to determine whether the Bible is trustworthy. Is it really a compilation of messages from this God to us? If so, then I can use it to answer further questions. But I don't dare use it to answer the following questions if its veracity has not been established in my mind. (Not that I've stopped reading the Bible--I know, I know... I'm in a strange place! But I need to know for myself that I can trust it, rather than just assuming I can, or resting on the fact that other people have determined its trustworthiness.) Fortuitously, a friend randomly gave me a whole set of cd's last week at church, and one series in there is called "The Picture of God in all 66", and it apparently deals with the veracity and trustworthiness of the Bible! It even touches on why there are so many apparent contradictions (which, to the best of my knowledge, is simply a matter of the translation to English). I'm hoping to come across some resources that can explain whether or not the Bible is consistent with history-- I know that I can trust Daniel 2 at the very least!
Once I establish whether or not the Bible can be used to answer my other questions, things should speed up a little.
Other questions I have may not be answered so easily, though... but they're pretty critical to me, and have been bothering me for some time.
Question three: How am I really supposed to relate to God in terms of "my strength" vs. "his strength"? I hear a lot about how "in myself, I can do nothing" and "it's all God" and so forth. Well, in my experience, that's a big fat lie. I do too have strength, and I am a strong person. Does God know what I have survived? Granted, I didn't come out the other side with healthy coping mechanisms, but I did survive. I have my weak days, but I also have a deep reservoir of strength, and my basic thought is that if God is trying to get me to give up that strength that has helped me to survive, this strength that is growing as I walk along the healing journey, then this is not the kind of God I want to have any part of. If I'm supposed to revoke my ability to handle anything, I think these Christians are barking up the wrong tree.
I don't understand the whole "rest in Me" and "tap into My strength" thing. I don't. I know that I have strength of my own, and I know that there's a limit to that, but I'm not going to deny its existence for the sake of religion. I know that God has a strength that far surpasses mine- without a limit, apparently- (I can see that just from the organization of the universe) but I don't know how to access it.
Question four: Am I really supposed to lose my identity and become this pre-designed Christian? Because anyone who even slightly knows me will know that I immediately and intensely recoil from that idea. Seriously. When I meet people that are "following the blueprint" and "heeding the counsel"... they look the same. They eat the same (weird) way. They're just... blah. Not something that I'm interested in. Where's the spark of life? Where's the enjoyment? Life was meant to be enjoyed! Yeah, it's seasoned with hard times and down days, but to live this life of sad, somber strictness is... for what? I don't know. (By the way, there are a few exceptions to that rule that I can think of... but they're few and far between.)
Like, the whole, "deny yourself" and all that. Is wanting something bad? Is pursuing something that I want bad? Oh, right. Not when I both want it and it is in line with God's will. I'm sorry for being a little sarcastic, but I've been through this "anything you want or like is automatically wrong and you don't get it because God wants to teach you to deny yourself" idea before, and I'm not going back!
The fifth question gets even more theological, and it is this: If Jesus supposedly did not have any advantage over us, and he was perfect, then why can't I be perfect too? Not that I want anyone or God to expect or demand perfection from me, but seriously- why can't I be perfect? I want the freedom of imperfection with the hope of perfection. The best of both worlds, right? ;)
And, eventually, I need to get around to dealing with this SOP issue. I still can't stand her. It really, really bothers me when people quote, or refer to "the divinely inspired writings of" or "the pen of inspiration" or whatever. I don't know why. But it just... bugs me. Something deep inside me is uncomfortable and squirms around and says, "Get me outta here!" (How did I ever make it through SOULS with an SOP aversion?!) I find myself rolling my eyes a lot, whether inwardly or outwardly. Only if no one's looking.
I suppose that many of my questions stem from my background, and the particular issues that I face. But I really, really want to search out my own answers for these, and be convinced one way or another.
Bottom line right now? I believe in God. I'm reasonably sure about the Bible. I know God's been involved in my life at least a few times, so I'm almost certain he's at least somewhat of an interpersonal God.
I still have a lot of questions, and, honestly... I don't think that's a bad thing.
Anonymous | March 28, 2012 at 3:28 PM
Where you are is a good place. It sounds to me that you are asking healthy questions. I love that you have done this:
A month ago, I told God that I was forgetting everything I'd been told about who he is, and the assumptions I've made about who he is, and I just wanted Him to show me who he is."
And you know what, He will show you.