In which I cry... again.

Had myself a little breakdown last night... C and I were having a great conversation on styles and principles of disciplining our future children. Great conversation, so that's not what upset me.

In the middle of our conversation, S came to the bedroom door and asked about his Magic cards and why one drawer of the dresser that's by the snake cage was empty. I explained that I was in the process of cleaning/organizing it, and he got visibly upset because I had moved the Magic cards around. In my defense (and C agrees), it was in total disarray and looked like no one had touched it in months... at least. I thought it was abandoned. I told them that I had put all the Magic stuff together in one drawer (not knowing that there were other drawers of Magic cards that I hadn't gotten to yet, which held C's cards), and they thought that I had consolidated both of their Magic sets into one drawer and now they were all mixed together and the apocalypse would ensue and we would all die. (Okay. Slight exaggeration. But that's how it felt to me.)

So anyway, C says he'll go out there and fix it, and we resume our conversation, but I'm totally not into it anymore. It's all I can do to fight back tears. So when I tell C, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not really able to be a part of this conversation right now," he jokingly popped me on the head (because he couldn't see my face and didn't realize that I was upset), and I lost it. I rocket-launched myself to the side of the bed in tears, but C grabbed my hand and reeled me back toward him.

"Hey, hey... what's wrong? What's going on? Hey... hey. Look at me. What's wrong?"

So as I'm shaking and sniffling, and C's trying to get me to stop crying (because apparently guys have this freak-out reflex when girls start crying, and the only thing they can think of is "get her to stop crying"), I managed to blubber out what was going on.

With all the uncertainty of my finances lately, and with school winding down, and being sick, and with wedding stuff, I just feel very out of control. So to feel like I'm more in control, I start cleaning and organizing and "setting things to rights", and that's what I was doing with the dresser in the dining room. And you know, I thought I was doing a good thing, like "Yay, I'm making this a more pleasant place to live, and I'm keeping things manageable" etc. But then it turns out that I royally screwed up, which is bad in the first place because I hate making mistakes, especially when I think that I'm doing something right. And on top of that, the guys have all these unspoken "lines and rules" around their gaming stuff that I just don't know about, and so I keep tripping over them, and it's frustrating. Also, my pride was wounded, because I have the reputation of being able to clean while keeping everything in a place where it'll be easily found again. This time, I bungled that.

Or so I thought. Come to find out that all I had done was move S's cards, and left C's untouched, so it was fine.

Anyway, C held me and kissed me and listened to me and smoothed my hair back and wiped my tears away and apologized for bopping me on the head (which I assured him was not his fault, because in a different situation it would have been funny and cute, but he couldn't see that I was upset, so it was okay) and assured me that it would be okay, that I would be fine. He held me close and said that sometimes he forgets how hard things still are for me. I kissed him back and told him how much I appreciate him.

I'm very glad for him. And it's just funny how the littlest things can set you off sometimes, isn't it? I was totally fine after those brief minutes of tears and consolation.

1 thoughts:

  • Jolene | November 11, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    Wow. I just had one of those moments (almost) today. You just never know when it'll hit you the wrong way and you're on the verge of tears. I had asked Will if I could probe his mouth for practice and he said that was fine. He was busy doing something with his fantasy football stuff and wasn't really paying much attention to me (which is usually the first step towards a woman breaking down). When he asked how long it would take for me to probe and I responded with "oh, hopefully not any longer than 20 minutes" he overreacted with "Really? That long? Ugh."

    I don't blame him for not wanting to have his teeth poked at for 20 minutes, but it just kind of hit me wrong and I came very close to tears and had to walk away. He was sorry when he saw my reaction, but it still bothered me for a good while afterwards.

    I didn't mean to post so long! Just thought it funny how I had a similar experience just an hour ago!

Post a Comment