I'm past the "it hurts to breathe" phase. That lasted a day or two. That's better than when I broke the engagement...I remember aching for weeks.
It seems unreal, but this whole thing with C only lasted two weeks. What an eventful two weeks it was!
We briefly talked about marriage again this time around. I know for a fact that he'd be happy to settle down with me and raise a family.
And now, in the "I miss him so much!" phase... that's a mighty tempting thought. However, I keep reminding myself of the reasons why I had to get out of there. It's easy to downplay the shadows when you're walking in sunlight again. (And, while I have hope that, in our own place--"my domain"-- I could effect a change of influence, that's not nearly enough to negate the fact that it's too remote of a possibility to bear any weight.)
And what's funny is that, in the process of saying, "No, I'm done. I'm tapping into my resources of strength and putting my foot down," I've gained some of that feeling of worth that I was seeking in C's affirmations of me. (At least, until the next bout of depression...)
I miss him though. A lot. I've got that restless, "I want to see him" feeling. It's only been three days.
No, I don't miss him because I'm desperately sad and I want to feel better. I know that I can be strong and weather these sad feelings. (I've done it before... for three years, was it?) I miss him because of him.
Watched a movie with B tonight- Chick Flick Night! :) It was fun. The movie was called Straight From the Heart, and it was awesome. Horses, cute cowboys, and good, clean romance. Sigh... I miss the northwest!
Anyway, I recall thinking during the movie (about the part where they fall in love), How nice it would be to love someone without all the obstacles...
Seriously. It seems like anyone that I've really liked or really cared about, there are always people around to tell me that it's not a good idea, that he's not good enough, that there is this issue and that issue and so on, so forth.
Is it really just me? Or am I always going to be getting that message from the people I care about when I am romantically involved with a guy?
Maybe I just pick the wrong guy. Over and over. Even though all these guys were so completely different from each other.
On a similar, yet unrelated topic, I've got an appt with my doctor next week to talk about depression. I may end up on meds for a while, but if it brings some sort of stability to my emotional life, then I'm okay with that for a while.
And I've been arguing with myself for a couple of days.
Don't be ridiculous. It's all in your head. You're just looking for an excuse, a reason to stay connected. Yes, but... there's a chance I'm right until I'm proven wrong. Yeah, okay, sure. And if you're right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I'd better be right. You don't want to be right. Right? Right.
Either way, I'll be right, which is nice. Amusing, but nice.
And either way, I'll be at least slightly devastated.
So I guess it's win-win, huh?
It seems unreal, but this whole thing with C only lasted two weeks. What an eventful two weeks it was!
We briefly talked about marriage again this time around. I know for a fact that he'd be happy to settle down with me and raise a family.
And now, in the "I miss him so much!" phase... that's a mighty tempting thought. However, I keep reminding myself of the reasons why I had to get out of there. It's easy to downplay the shadows when you're walking in sunlight again. (And, while I have hope that, in our own place--"my domain"-- I could effect a change of influence, that's not nearly enough to negate the fact that it's too remote of a possibility to bear any weight.)
And what's funny is that, in the process of saying, "No, I'm done. I'm tapping into my resources of strength and putting my foot down," I've gained some of that feeling of worth that I was seeking in C's affirmations of me. (At least, until the next bout of depression...)
I miss him though. A lot. I've got that restless, "I want to see him" feeling. It's only been three days.
No, I don't miss him because I'm desperately sad and I want to feel better. I know that I can be strong and weather these sad feelings. (I've done it before... for three years, was it?) I miss him because of him.
Watched a movie with B tonight- Chick Flick Night! :) It was fun. The movie was called Straight From the Heart, and it was awesome. Horses, cute cowboys, and good, clean romance. Sigh... I miss the northwest!
Anyway, I recall thinking during the movie (about the part where they fall in love), How nice it would be to love someone without all the obstacles...
Seriously. It seems like anyone that I've really liked or really cared about, there are always people around to tell me that it's not a good idea, that he's not good enough, that there is this issue and that issue and so on, so forth.
Is it really just me? Or am I always going to be getting that message from the people I care about when I am romantically involved with a guy?
Maybe I just pick the wrong guy. Over and over. Even though all these guys were so completely different from each other.
On a similar, yet unrelated topic, I've got an appt with my doctor next week to talk about depression. I may end up on meds for a while, but if it brings some sort of stability to my emotional life, then I'm okay with that for a while.
And I've been arguing with myself for a couple of days.
Don't be ridiculous. It's all in your head. You're just looking for an excuse, a reason to stay connected. Yes, but... there's a chance I'm right until I'm proven wrong. Yeah, okay, sure. And if you're right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I'd better be right. You don't want to be right. Right? Right.
Either way, I'll be right, which is nice. Amusing, but nice.
And either way, I'll be at least slightly devastated.
So I guess it's win-win, huh?
0 thoughts: