Musically, this is how I've been feeling lately. I'm practically obsessed with the song- it's almost all I listen to. I am determined that I will play this some day soon.
I had a great time with C today. We went to the oldies car show, and I some some absolutely stunning vehicles. Then we went to Walmart to get some Drano, cleared out his drains, and went to a sushi place for lunch. It was a little difficult for me to find something to eat, but I did find several things, and it was very good! C even let me pay the tip :) Then we headed over to Claire's and I got a couple of headbands (since I've been breaking mine lately), and after that to PetSmart for some feeder minnows. C and I headed over to his dad's place to do laundry, and we hung out and talked about ideal government systems with his brother D for a couple of hours. It was enlightening and very, very entertaining. By the time the laundry was done, it was time for C and D to head back home for their D+D session with their buddies. I took off for home, and came back to this message from a dear friend...
Subject heading: "Appeal to stay on God's pathway for your life!!!"
"Dear C,
You are my sister, colleague-in-ministry, and friend! I feel impressed to write to you this morning. I recognize that I don't know exactly what is going on in your life, but you know that I care for you and your joy in this life! Here's the message: (highlighted in yellow and written in red, I might add! lol)
'Stay on God's pathway for your life. Do NOT let the Devil side-line you with relationships that aren't committed to Him. God has brought you too far for you to turn to the left or to the right. You MUST stay straight ahead following Jesus, the Author and FINISHER of your faith. Do not ignore the voice of God or the words of your elder brother D! Call me if you want to follow-up on this further. I am praying for you-- of course, you know that J is always/daily praying for her sister/daughter C. Proverbs 3:5,6 continues to guide my life from day to day.'
From your family in Northern Idaho: 'We love you and miss you!'
God bless you and guide you and remember He can only lead and richly bless as you choose to follow Him!
D"
Curses. Foiled again.
And, quite frankly, I'm ticked off about this whole thing. I really am.
I'm upset with C for not being a Christian. Silly, I know, but I am. Like, what's your stinking problem?! Why won't you even explore the possibility for me? You know that it's the dividing factor, right? Oh yes, you know that... but you need proof. Always proof. Well, I can't give that to you. You have to search for it yourself, and you don't really have the inclination to do that. So fine. Let it divide us forever, then.
I'm ticked at myself for my weakness. Today went well, though. Pious people the world 'round will be gratified to know that I kept my clothes on today.
But seriously? Why, girl, why? Why must you play with fire? Is your need for love that deep? Yes, yes it is.
Yes, I know well enough that this semi-relationship isn't the best... or even good. But, oh, it fills a need deep within me... and everything in me cries out, "Don't make me go back! Please, don't make me walk away from the warmth and back into my emotional Siberian exile again!" I finally feel something... something wonderful... and now I'm supposed to hack it to pieces in the name of the Lord.
That brings me to my next point. I'm ticked off at God.
Why can't this be okay? What is your big stinking problem with it, anyway? What's your deal with C? Why can't we be together, God? Is this another one of your things where I hurt so badly that I want to die, but it's actually for my good? 'Cause I'm really getting tired of that.
I want to be with him. Why is that wrong?
I know, I know... C is not the end-all be-all. He's not the only one that will ever love me, though oftentimes it feels that way. Guys come into my life, they dash my heart to pieces, and then walk out. I think in this scenario, I've broken C's heart more times than I can count. I've been abandoned so much... I don't want to do that to him... again. And, finally, a man who loves me and has stuck around all these years? God, I don't want to lose that.
Foolish girl, if you'd never gotten mixed up with him again, this wouldn't even be an issue...
God, have you seen the way he looks at me? Or the way he loops his arm around my waist? Or the way he threads his fingers through mine? Or the tender kiss on my cheek? Have you seen that? Do you know what seeds of self-worth that waters within me? God, I don't hate myself when I'm with him... and I'm so tired of hating myself. And I'm so tired of being alone. I don't want to be alone anymore.
And it works so well because we're not technically together (which makes me easy, I guess...), and I'm so scared of settling down, that I get the best of both worlds.
I've got 5 months left here. Can I be bad for 5 months, and then straighten up when I go away to school?
Should I even have come here in the first place?
I just want to run away... away from it all. Start clean. Again.
The only things I've got to tie me here right now are obligations, support groups, and C.
Bother. That's pretty much my whole life at this point.
Besides... where would I go? I'm broke.
Mom offered their place... but I can't leave my job. I just started.
I'm going hiking tomorrow. I need it. And I'm going to find a counselor. Maybe if the problems deep inside me get fixed, I won't need C anymore.
And, upon reflection... it is gratifying to know that my friend cares enough about me to write that letter.
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