Pregnancies and Miscarriages

As a dear friend pointed out, what's the point of a secret blog unless you can write about your secrets? It's been driving me crazy... I feel like I've been living a double life. I need to blog... but I can't... because I need to keep this secret...

I just found out two days ago that my little sister is pregnant. She is, apparently, a little scared, but mostly excited. She's almost 20.

I don't really know how I feel about it... I mean... I feel sorry for the baby, 'cause she's very moody. But maybe having a child will change some things? Her boyfriend had better be a man and step up to be a part of this child's life, or he's gonna have a colporteur-turned-headhunter hot on his trail.

She's going to stay at home with Mom and R, and the timing is near perfect (as far as these things go), because they just sold the house in IN, and R's been wanting to remodel the house anyway. (They bought it with that intention.) So, now he's going to remodel it so that K has a room and a little nursery area in the basement, J will have a room and bathroom in the basement, and Jr will have his own room upstairs. Mom and R will get a master suite upstairs, as well.

Also, Mom will be around for guidance, to help her. Plus I know Mom is stoked about finally having a grandbaby- she's been bugging me about that for years!

And I almost made her dream come true.

I just don't see how it's fair, really, that K- the immature, moody, not-a-functioning-member-of-society-yet one- gets to keep her baby (so far), and I... I'm having a miscarriage. How is that fair?

Technically, I'm not pregnant, because I haven't gotten a positive test back yet. It was too early to know. But when you know your body... sometimes you just know. Granted, I vacillated between thinking, "Oh yeah, for sure I'm pregnant, there's no way I'm NOT!" and "Yeah, right. I must be crazy! How could I be pregnant? No, I'm certainly making this up, it's all in my head, etc." But the more time went on, the more certain I was. 96% sure.

And now? Now... nothing.

Life will go on as planned, I guess.

And I'm slightly devastated. Just as I predicted.

The whole "I don't want kids, I don't want a family, I don't want to settle down" thing... nothing but a protective shell. If I say I don't want it, then when I don't get it, I won't be crushed. If you don't hope, you can't be disappointed. This showed me that I do want a family, I do want a husband, I do want children... and I really wanted this baby.

I mean, sure, it was going to completely screw up my life, and I was scared as all get out, but... it's a child. My child.

I didn't tell anyone, for understandable reasons. I mean, it wasn't even confirmed yet. And there's always that off chance that I was wrong, and that there was something else accounting for my typical pregnancy symptoms.

But I knew. And I allowed myself to get excited, to look towards the future...

It was going to be a baby girl, I think.

But now it's nothing.

I'm still cramping, in a lot of pain, and bleeding, but the bleeding hasn't gotten very heavy yet, and I haven't passed any big clots yet, so.... maybe there's still a chance? *Revision: I think it's too late, now...*

I'm trying everything I can to keep this baby. I can't bring myself to dismiss this situation with a trite, "The Lord Knows Best", because my heart is aching and bleeding too.

But either way... Mom gets to be a Gramma. And I look forward to holding my first niece or nephew. A December baby, I think, which coincides perfectly with my annual visit home! :)

And it was pretty funny that K and I were pregnant at the same time... Poor R. lol.

I don't know how this will all turn out. But I know that I have a lot of people that will love me regardless of what happens... and that's a great comfort.