What better way to get a sense of what's going on in someone's life than to see what they're thankful for?

26. Vanilla coke. It works so well at stopping a migraine in process, or taking it down a couple of notches if its already full-swing.

27. My skin is so pretty, smooth, and acne free. I spent a long time being very self conscious about my body acne so this is more than fantastic. Not just that, but I've finally found a natural remedy that actually works for me-- colloidal silver gel-- to keep my skin clear. (Natural remedies tend not to work for me. I've pretty much lost faith in them.)

28. Raspberries.

29. A doctor that takes me seriously, does all in her power to help me, totally believes I'm not exaggerating, and insists right along with me that I'm not a drug seeker or drug addict. So refreshing.

30. Coraline. Her cute and funny antics continually endear her to me, and she is getting so much braver!

31. Pink Macbook cases and keyboard covers.

32. Grocery store trips with friends that turn into a super fun excursion.

33. Movie night with C and said friends, followed up by some good ol' Studio C videos.

34. A better understanding of the dynamics of the family I married into, courtesy of Story Time.

35. Hearing from our friend stationed in Germany last night, and kicking off the plans for a visit.

36. Not being so horribly sick anymore.

37. Cooking "real" food for lunch two days in a row!

38. Teen group and all my girls.

39. Less than two weeks until I see my family!

40. Coraline's obsessive quest for the satiation of her oatmeal addiction.

Funny story to wrap things up: At the end of group, we usually read The Survivor's Prayer together. (It's like the Serenity Prayer, but we wrote it just for us.) We didn't have copies in the teen room last night, so I asked the other (trainee) facilitator to say a quick prayer/blessing for us to wrap things up. She stumbled and fumbled, and I realized that she didn't pray or didn't know how to pray aloud or something, so I said I would do it. As we sat there for a brief, silent moment, I suddenly realized that I don't pray anymore either! I didn't want to lie, but I didn't know how to address the prayer other than, "Dear God...", which I'm not comfortable with right now. So the silent moment stretched out longer and longer, until I finally said, "Oh, crap..." The girls burst out laughing, and then one of them volunteered to do the prayer, much to my relief. It was just a funny/awkward little thing, but it really kinda shook me up to realize the difference between a year ago and now. It's not that the way I live my life is any different, necessarily, for I still hold the same beliefs and values... but what I ascribe to as the origin of those beliefs and values and how I announce to the world my adherence to them has changed quite dramatically.

...I'm done trying to impress you.

I don't think it was working, anyway.

Can we still be friends?

Dear God,

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I am so lost in this vortex of my own thoughts, Biblical mandates, other’s opinions and hopes and dreams that they’ve projected onto me, my conflicting ideas of who you are, ideas of “right” and “wrong”, and... just so much stuff.

Right and wrong. Is it really so black and white, so crystal clear? Some think so. I used to think so. Now, I’m more towards “there are standards that guide our lives, but not explicit directions for every case, and you have to apply the standards as best you can”.

Am I really just a poor excuse for a Christian? Even in my heyday, I don’t feel like we truly had intimacy. Why do I have so many questions? Reserves? So much rebellion? Why can’t I just do the right thing and forget about everything else? Why do I get so angry with my perception of what you ask Christians as a general whole to do?

I refuse to lose my identity, my wants and dreams and wishes and desires, my likes and dislikes. I will not forsake my identity. I’m so confused, though, over... well, a lot of things. I’ve been taught to behave and believe one way, but the only part of me that really believes it’s the way to go is the part motivated by fear of rejection and fear of punishment.

I believe that I must do the right thing, or you will punish me. You will withhold affection. I won’t be eligible for heaven anymore. One misstep and the eternal consequences kick in. You will ignore me, abandon me, cease to care about me--if, indeed, you cared in the first place (which I have a very difficult time believing).

And I hate being this way, and I can say that I don’t believe it, it’s not true, I believe the opposite, but... to me... it IS true. And something inside me rebels at my compulsion to serve and allegedly love such a person. It’s like I have no choice, because if I choose not to, then the aforementioned horrible things will only be intensified... so I have to. I have to love you and serve you, and while I’m doing that, I have to do it right. Or else.

And so that leads me to this awful love-resent dichotomy. Because I try to love you. I want to. I want to want to, if that makes sense. But I know that I don’t truly love you in the real sense of the word (or any sense?!). And I’m getting to the point where I just want to throw up my hands, throw in the towel, and walk away. After all, I can’t seem to please you when I’m trying, so why try anymore?

Intellectually, I know it’s not true. I know it. I mean, I need to believe it. Not I need to as in “I should”, but I need to as in “I don’t know how I’d handle reality without the knowledge, however faint, that there’s a benevolent deity looking out for me somehow”.

I really hope counseling helps me clear some of this stuff up.

I know you exist. I can’t deny that. The science is too clear. But who are you? What are you REALLY like? If he just believes in your existence, that’s the step I’m looking for. Because that’s where I am. I don’t see us being unequally yoked, because I’m nowhere spiritually. The thing missing is a belief in your existence. Maybe we can learn together? One thing’s for sure... I love him in a way that I can’t seem to love you. That scares me. I’ve heard the dire warnings against idolatry... but in our situation, I think I’m screwed, because even my love for food is more of a tangible reality than my love for you.

What are people seeing when they say they’ve seen me walking closer to you these past few years? When they say they see Jesus in me? I think they’re just seeing a good person, really. I am a good person. A strong person. Is that a bad thing? It sounds like it, according to some Christians, some apparently Biblical teachings. I can’t be good, and I can’t be strong, because you’re supposed to be all that. So what do I do with the reality that I am both?

If you really are capable of reaching down and helping searching people, then help me! It says in the Bible that I will find you if I search for you. 

I can’t believe I made it all the way through Bible college. Unreal. And how miserable I was during that time... trapped. Trapped in a cage of appearances, of “rightness”, of looking and doing and being right for fear of being wrong. (Don't get me wrong- there were happy times, too. Just like there were in the abusive, dysfunctional home I grew up in.)

I am paralyzed by the thought of doing the wrong thing. It is to the point where I’m afraid to do what I think is right, because I’m afraid that it’s really the wrong thing and I’ve been tricked into thinking it’s right! And so I do the “right” thing, because it’s right, and because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t. In addition, if I want it, it must be wrong. 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

How do I know if you care about me? Besides the Bible. Jury’s still out in its veracity and applicability in my mind, until I can study it. But if you are the all powerful God who created the universe to be just-so, I know that you can show me, somehow, if you care about me. Some way that I will recognize.

I’ve heard it said that it’s harder to be lost than it is to be saved. I certainly hope that’s so. I want to be saved, but it’s so hard... how can anything be harder?

Went to a wedding today, which I enjoyed thoroughly. There's just something about two people uniting their lives in the fear of the Lord that's totally, completely inspiring and amazing and kinda tear-jerking, all at the same time. Especially when you've seen some of the spiritual struggles one of them was going through back in the day, and to see where he is now is just incredible. He left the Marines, and he's going to to study to be a pastor. I'm so proud of him! I know I didn't have anything to do with it, but I feel a little like a mother watching her baby boy grow up. Is that silly?

Now, when his younger brothers go through this, THEN I'll be in serious mama hen mode, because those are "my boys".

God answered my latest continual prayer quite definitely with yesterday's sermon, and this wedding.

Stick witih God's blueprint, and he will bless you. He'll honor your obedience, and it will be worth it.

Alright.

You know the funny thing about keeping a secret? It's... secret. Which means that when you know there are certain people reading your blog, you can't blog about it, because it's... secret.

As we used to say, "Secrets make leaders." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I do know that the magabook leaders sure seemed to have a lot of secrets!

So... here I am. With my happy little secret... secretly. Yup. This is kind of a new thing for me.

And don't bother asking about it, because it's a secret.

I'm really starting to love that word. ^_^

Anyway, I'll just be moving on with my day... drinking chamomile tea and eating carob-nut squares, working on stuff for group tomorrow night.

I've got an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to talk about depression, and an echogram the day after to check out my alleged heart murmur. Then I work the next three days, and after that is a reception for my newly married friend. I have special music that morning for church, AND two songs at the reception! What a busy day that will be.

That's okay. I've kinda been isolating myself lately, so I think it will be good for me to be a little busier than I have been. Just kind of making the gradual slide back into depression, I guess, which I don't want to do!

Ah, life...

You can't live with it, and you can't live without it.

Fighting the depression battle, still... and I'd like to think I'm winning :)

I'm coming to grips with the fact that my emotions roller coaster... and that's okay. That's okay.

Had a good past few days. First day of the new job went well. I'm absorbing a lot, and I was even able to answer some questions from customers. I go back in tomorrow, and I'm half dreading it, half anticipating it. I have to constantly tell myself, You can do this. You are capable. You are mature. You are smart. You CAN do this!


It's like a never-ending pep talk lol.

Group went well. (I'm even getting partially paid now! How about that ^_^) We ended early, and I got to sit in on the women's SA group. I gave E a ride home, we talked a bit, and we've got a lunch/therapy date on Monday, which I'm looking forward to. Seems like it might become a weekly thing, which would be nice. I want to start going through this book about healing from sexual assault, but I don't want to do it alone. I learned my lesson with The Wounded Heart.

Next day, headed up to P with Gramma after work. The hotel room was really nice, and I got good sleep- finally. That crazy cat of mine wakes me up about 3 or 4 a.m. and I have a difficult time getting back to sleep. (I decided to do the motel room thing this wkend, rather than the truck, so I think I'll be getting some decent sleep then, too. Hopefully.)

I got this natural anti-depressant/stress-support stuff at the herb store, and my mood has improved over the last couple of days. I wonder if it's really doing anything, or is that just coincidence? R called me when I texted him to let him know what I'd purchased (I like to keep him apprised of how I'm spending his money), and almost the first words out of his mouth were, "Why are you depressed??" LOL We had a great talk. He's so supportive and wonderful. I know that he really loves me and wants to see me succeeding and happy. He was actually able to relate a LOT to what I'm going through, and he gently counseled me to just be patient, to give myself time and not freak out over where I'm not... because, as he put it, I don't have to be anywhere. Just enjoy the journey. It's okay. Plans change, and it's okay. It's not like I'm a bad person for being where I'm at. But I need to learn to be okay with myself, and, unfortunately, that does take time. Apparently, the older I get, the easier it will get. All I know right now is that I love my parents. They are the BEST. I could not wish for more supportive family. What a  blessing.

Yesterday, while Gramma was in her meetings, I went grocery shopping, and spent an obscene amount of money (to me). It's really not unrealistic for groceries, but I felt sick to my stomach when I hit the cash register. Ugh. Never again. I'll live on rice and beans. Although... I am looking forward to homemade granola...

Then J and I got to hang out for a couple of hours. He took me out to brunch. When the hostess was showing us to our table, I realized that we look like a couple. I mean, a guy and a girl out to breakfast, who wouldn't naturally assume that we're on a date? But NO! So I think of it as the anti-date. :)

We've been friends for many a year- since summer '06 canvassing together. He's actually the one that confronted me about my engagement to C and brought up the idea of my going to SOULS. We both agreed that SOULS was the best and worst experience of our lives. Had we known what we were getting ourselves into... and there is no way we'd go back! But it was good, and God used it. It was wonderful in its own way.

Anyway, we had a great time at brunch, then back at his office drinking tea and hanging out with his student aide. I gave him one of my cd's as a birthday present, and he was totally stoked, because he said he LOVES the DSH cd.

The weird thing was... we connected on all these funny little things that I'd never noticed before. Like, he wants to do the truck and trailer thing, too! And take a summer and just backpack to see how far he gets (or better yet, horsepacking). Just... funny little things. Our thoughts on the lifestyles we'd like to live are fairly identical. At one point during the conversation, he started asking me what type of food I like, but as I was answering, I kinda got this "I'm being interviewed" vibe, which was startling. We also talked about how we each struggle with depression at times, but we know that God is good. I had also given him a copy of my last sermon, so I hope that helps him. I had to re-listen to it myself the other day.

When it was time for me to leave and he walked me back to my car, he suggested that we pray for each other, and we did. It was nice. Then we hugged, and he said, "I love you." I responded, "I love you, too," and we parted ways with a promise to get together again next time I'm up that way. I'm so grateful for that guy. His friendship has been priceless, and he's such a genuine, godly man. I'm proud to be his friend.

So I thought and prayed about it yesterday afternoon on the way home and during my walk in the desert, and I've come to the conclusion that, though I'm not "interested" in the sense of having a crush on him, if he had prayed about it and asked if I wanted to get to know each other better (like dating or something), I'd say "yes" at this point. It's funny that that would even come to mind, since I've never been attracted to him, per se. I mean, it's just J. He's my buddy. But after we connected so well yesterday, and I realized that I really do love him in a wonderful, platonic way, I would be willing to give it a shot. Before yesterday, I would have said, "No." Anyway, regardless of whatever happens, I told God that I am giving that potential up to Him. It doesn't need to be anything more than what it is, and I'm very grateful and blessed to have a guy friend like J. He'll make someone a fine husband some day.

And that was my anti-date. It was, honestly, really fun!

...what have I gotten myself into?

I'm not really sure how to handle this. Mom's having repressed memories surfacing now, and talking to her siblings about them... they created a sort of timeline of certain events, which triggered the memories to come forth from their murky grave. And on one hand I'm honored that Mom feels she's able to talk with me about this, but on the other hand, I'm horrified to hear what happened to her as a child. She describes the bruises that were commonplace, all the way from her armpits to her knees, the skin splitting and scabbing because of repeated beatings that layered welts over welts... my uncle being locked in a sewing closet for six weeks because of the errors in his schoolwork. (Come to find out, he's dyslexic. That's why he had such trouble with school. The beatings, the isolation... none of that helped any. Did they think it would?) I thought I went through hell. Yeah, right. My childhood was a walk in the park compared to my mom's.

My mom's dad, who was the main abuser, is dead. My gramma, who was the enabler and sometimes abusive herself (still not sure where she was on the spectrum of things) is still alive and well. When she came down with cancer, she went through chemo, and apparently lost a lot of her memory. Mom says that gramma doesn't remember any of what she was telling me this morning. She's lost it, or repressed it herself. And even Mom says that Gramma is a different person now, not who she used to be.

But that doesn't change the fact that I'm living with... that.

I've never experienced her to be abusive at all. Passive agressive, yeah. But abusive? No way! I mean, just this morning, she told me I was doing "a bang up job around the place" (i.e. keeping the place nice and clean-- we're both neat-nicks).

It's just weird.

But I got to pray with my mom. And I got to empathize with her. I didn't have all these memories crashing in on me at once like she did, and it's no wonder she's having a hard time handling it. I get that. I've been through the darkness that's so thick and deep you think it's going to eat you alive. So I shared some of my experiences with her... but I also shared the hope of God's healing. It's hard now, but it's worth it. She's seeing her counselor on Monday.

And THAT in and of itself is a miracle of God's timing. They didn't even have a counselor until last week, and that started because I had been doing counseling myself, and was able to share with R how inexpensive our insurance made it, which he didn't know.

So after I prayed with Mom, I went for a walk. I have a lot of feelings swirling inside me right now, too. Anger. Disgust. Sadness. Grief. Righteous rage. (Can I call it that? It's WAY more than indignation!) Uncertainty.

This should never, EVER happen to a child!! Dear God, why is my family so sick? Why this generational sweep of pain and hurt and dysfunction? What does this mean for me? Is there some sort of inherent flaw in our genetic code? I tell you this much-- it stops here. No child will ever, ever experience those things from me. No child, and no person. It stops here.

Sweet Jesus, please come soon. We're falling apart...

Well, I chose to delay my trip by a day, on the advice of my doctor. However, I got the car packed and ready to go, minus my guitar and my kitty. Those came along with me on the day of departure.

It was only supposed to be a 16 hour drive to LV, but inclement weather dragged it out to a 20 hour drive, with a 4 hour nap. I rolled into town exactly 24 hours after I had left Idaho! How funny.

The trip from LV to Y went well, without any incidents but my kitten deciding that she enjoyed the space below the gas and brake pedals more than any other place in the universe, and trying to obtain lodging in her favored location... while I was driving!! (She was out of the cat carrier pretty much the whole drive with no problems. She just sat perched on my mountain of belongings like she owned the place. It was a sight to see!)

I had only intended to spend the night with my friends in LV. Instead, I spent the whole weekend!
My friends from SOULS insisted that I MUST meet their house mom, because she and I are just alike. I thought, "Yeah, yeah, sure... one of these situations..."

Funnily enough, they were right! She is, of course, a bit different, as we are different people, but we're remarkably similar. I could probably pass for her daughter, definitely a niece or some other close relative. We even have a similar facial structure and body build. She's taller than I am, though.

The absolute best part is how chill she is, especially when it came to my food allergies. She loves to cook, so it was just another challenge to her. This ranks among one of the first times I've visited someone and not felt like an imposition or a drag. The only other ppl I feel that way with are the C's, because their daughter S was GF, too. Anyway, I ate good. And I learned several new recipes, which I love. Oh, and I made copies of our Daughters of Summer Hill cd's and my solo Sound of Music cd for everyone in the house. To pay me back, K took me shopping at Goodwill and the dollar store to stock me up for my trip. What a blessing that was! (Today I ate the green beans for lunch, but they weren't ripe, so they haven't set well. Bummer. I love green beans.)

I accompanied my bible worker friends to the evangelistic series that was going on at the time, both meetings a day. I was so blessed! I love hearing truth out of the Bible, especially the way this speaker presents it. He's so balanced. The only thing I disagreed with was when he was talking about the "Mosaic law" and the statutes and feast days and all that. I mentioned it to S later, only to find out that her dad is a feast keeper, and he studied it with a mutual friend of ours, who is now a feast keeper as well! I guess it's nice to know about others of similar persuasions and convictions... Fellowship, you know. And, quite frankly, it's not safe to talk about with everyone. From what I understand, there's quite a bit of animosity about the subject, and you can get yourself kicked out of church by bringing it up. So, knowing who's "safe" is helpful. (So sad that it should be so in Christian churches. I mean, even if you disagree, do you really have to be hateful about it? So not Christ-like. "Kinda reminds me of the Jewelry Nazi," says Mom. LOL)

My canvasser/Bible worker friends, predictably, canvassed me on canvassing again. No, not canvassing, but leading canvassing teams this summer. I told them, "I don't do that anymore. It's not an option." They said, "Pray about it." I said, "No way am I gonna pray about it! It's not even an option!" They said, "Pray about it."

I did. Haven't heard any word from the Lord yet, though. I did have a nightmare about canvassing that night. LOL

L had a good talk with me. I actually came out and explained to him why I don't Bible work anymore, and why I don't plan to. (I never thought I'd tell him about that! I mean, he's the big guns. It would be impudent, right? Plus there goes my cover of "good SOULS graduate".) He basically told me that he hated canvassing too, but he did it because it was the work of God, and it was what God asked him to do. And he hasn't done it this whole time, either-- it was what God used to take him to the next steps. And God really used him in a powerful way. I mean, if he hadn't done it, SOULS wouldn't be here, and then I wouldn't have gone, and would I still be with C? The ripple effect is astounding.

He told me, though, something very profound-- "Christians are to change people's lives. That's just what we do." And we know that the avenue is between us and God. That is to say, that the specific means for that is dependent on the call God gives us, if that makes sense. Like, Ben Carson for example. God led him to be a neurosurgeon, and that's how he changes lives. L was led to be a canvasser, and to start a school, and other things, and that's how he changes lives.

I can't be afraid of the hard things God asks me to do. I've been thinking, and I realized that I've kinda swung outward farther than I should. Like, the abuse taught me, and the world around me corrobrated, "What you want doesn't matter." And that's how I thought God was. "What you want doesn't matter. You do what I say, because I say it, and that's the end of the story."

So I've been going to a lot of effort to prove to myself and those around me that what I want does matter, and I can do what I want! I do things because I want to, and that's the end of the story. I don't do things that I don't want to do anymore. People need to RESPECT my free choice, alright?!

Now, however, I hear God saying to me, "What you want does matter, and you have the choice to go that way. However, it may not be the best thing for you in the grand scheme of things. Do you trust me to do what I ask, even if you don't want to at the time? I love you. I'm not out to wound you or take away your freedom."

And... I'm getting the message that I'm to keep my car and not go after the truck and trailer right now. That is hard for me to take, because I had this whole idea of freedom and independence and security built up in my mind... and now I have to give that up?

Yet, I sense God saying to me, "I have blessed you so richly. Why do you want to throw that aside? This is what you need! Trust me. It's okay to want the truck, but trust me to give you what you need. I know the plans I have for you, and what fits into those plans best. Will you trust me more than you trust your anxious thoughts, or your dreams for the future?"

Oh my.

But, yes. I want to trust God more than anything else. I want the grand scheme, far flung, eternally solid happiness more than I want the immediate fulfillment of my dreams and desires.

Because, really... how long do we have here, anyway? Even if I got to keep my truck and trailer till I die... 70 years isn't that long. I think I can endure a little "discomfort" for those few years, especially when you compare 70 of that to a million of the other.

Eternity is waiting.

Trust is ensuing.

"It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

I used to think this expression was silly and pointless, but now I begin to see the truth of it.

Loving someone can be a beautiful thing, even if it's an unrequited love. That makes it hard, but it's still beautiful and special. I did not know I could experience love like this, and it's pleasantly surprising.

I've been thinking about D a lot lately, especially on this trip for some reason. Mom and I have talked it over quite a bit, as she's quite knowledgeable in the inner workings of men. (At least, it seems that way to me-- she's had a lot more time and experience than I have. That applies to life knowledge, period.)

A couple of days ago, I set things up to go work for his mom, S, when I get back from my trip. That'll earn me some gas money for my little/big adventure. After S and I finished our conversation, I realized that it's been almost a year since I've seen D, and it's been the better part of 6 months since I've even heard his voice. I realized that I miss him. I miss him a lot. Still.

In bed that night, I was tossing and turning, and crying. I asked God (again) to take this love out of my heart and replace it with a platonic love. (It hasn't happened yet.) It's so weird... it's like, the more time passes, the more my feelings increase, increment by increment. That's so DUMB! I want to be over him, I want to move on, and I don't want to feel this way anymore!

Part of the reason I know it's love and not lust or infatuation or whatever is because a.) I recognize lust, and I'm not pining after his body (although he is good looking), and b.) I'm concerned about what's best for him instead of what I  want-- a new concept in relationships for me. Oh, and c.) I'm willing to let him go. I don't have to have him, especially if that would be detrimental to him.

And I've evaluated several times whether or not writing to him is the right thing for me to do, in the light of "What's best for D?" (Or, at least, trying, since I'm still new at this kind of thing, and because I don't have any input from his side to help me balance out my evaluations.) It was the right thing for me to do, but now I've come to the place where I realize that to continue would be selfish of me.

I cried and prayed for D (and then some other people after I stopped crying) and tossed and turned for two hours. Could NOT sleep. So, as I was praying some more and thinking, the idea came to me that perhaps I cannot sleep because I need to actually write the letter I was thinking about writing at the beginning of the two hours, telling D the truth about how I feel, and basically saying goodbye.

So, I did. I wrote D a letter telling him how I feel, how I felt hurt when he stopped talking to me, that I'm praying for him and his future wife, and that I won't be writing to him anymore.

And then I mailed it.

And then I panicked a little.

However, I believed that night, and still firmly believe, that it was the right thing to do.

I didn't do it to "get him back". I mean, sure, there's a little hope there that he will read the letter and come sweep me off my feet, so to speak. I won't lie. However, that is outweighed by the near certainty of absolute silence and no response whatsoever, which is what I'm in the process of resigning myself to.

So why? Why write a letter that won't change anything? Because I feel that it is fair for him to know, so that when he goes into a future relationship, he has a bigger knowledge base for decision making. If I do not tell him the truth about what happened on my end of things in the relationship, I'm robbing him of the ability to really make a decision, because he is acting on limited information. Like, how can I be upset if I never hear from him again if he thinks that I never really cared in the first place, so why bother?

I guess I just felt that it was important to the health of his future relationships for him to understand what happened in this one. I've felt that way for a long time, but never knew how to bring it up. "Yes, the garden is doing great... the radishes are up now, and by the way, never just stop talking to your girlfriend 'cause you'll break her heart like you did mine. Oh, and our cole crop seedlings are simply thriving!" Riiiight.

As for me, it was kind of a freedom thing, a step forward in moving on.

Yes, I love and have loved him, and there is no shame in that. It's not a bad thing, and I don't have to hide it. It proves that I'm human, thank goodness.

I freaked out a little, though, because egads-- what will he think of me?! And what if he reads it and does do something? What if he calls me?

And, honestly, though I'm resigning myself to the likely reality of not hearing from him, I will be sad and disappointed at some point, because it's kind of like rejection, and who wants to risk that? But I know that someday I can and will love someone who loves me in return, and that will be glorious. So, until that day, I'm just resting in God and his timing.

For now, I want to learn how to love God better.

And you know what? As hard as it is to love someone who seems to ignore you, this has given me a tear-filled glimpse into the heart of God that yearns over humanity. It's both beautiful and tragic at the same time.

However, as Mom pointed out earlier today... D can't forget about me, either. I mean, I left, and he was leaving... and that's when he calls me and wants to get together? And then we break up, time passes, he's seemingly forgotten about me... and I get that text about how he thinks about me a lot.

So maybe there's more there than I thought there was. Mom also mused upon the fact that, since he's been married before, it's obvious that he's, as she put it, a "leaper". He gets involved in relationships, not runs away from them. So his running away might mean that he's defending himself against hurt because he has some strong feelings too, or because he didn't think that I was really interested, etc.

And we both pondered the situation of his past-- after getting involved in drugs and drinking and stuff, then moving back home to help take care of his mom, this is the first time he's really been“straight”on his own, by himself, for himself... not to please someone else. And he's chasing a dream he's had for years. I think, she thinks, we all think that he really needs this time to learn, to grow, and to figure out who he is and what he wants.

In the meantime, I'll be moving to one of the Adventist capitals of the world, practically, and meeting plenty of nice, handsome, young men. Won't that just be wonderful? :) Have fun in Alaska, D. I love you, but I'm chasing my dream, too.

Besides... I'm too restless to settle down! Hehe.

*Note: I never actually used the “L-word” in the letter. I just told him that I came to care about him deeply, and still do.

I like to walk while I talk to God. It does so much more for me than kneeling by my bed.

On the trip here, I read a book... a really good book. It stirred in my heart a longing for something more-- to really know and experience the love of God, and to let that love flow through and spill over into every day... to really love the people around me. Every single person.

I can't do that, I'll confess it right now. No. I don't know what it is to truly love, just as I struggle with what it is to truly trust.

But God's been working with me on that.

As I look back on this past season of my life, I see a predominant theme: Trust.

God has been asking me, "Will you trust me?"

The more we work through, the quicker my answer comes back, "Yes."

It's hard, though. It's hard to trust something that you can't tangibly see, that doesn't always make sense, and that is, quite frankly, under the greatest of attacks. The whole world tells me not to believe in God, to forget about this "religion thing" and move on with my life. Try to recoup the years that I missed while I've been "deprived", and have some fun before I die.

But here's the thing... I've been looking at the actions and underlying messages that are coming through, and all I see is emptiness. Hollow, meaningless banter and canned laughter that does little to disguise the purposelessness of it all.

I want to live with fervor, passion, and meaning. Every day. And I think it's possible. But the key is love.

And here's the thing... I've been looking at the churches around me, at the actions and underlying messages that are coming through, and all I see is emptiness. Hollow, meaningless platitudes and thinly veiled attempts at control and manipulation. That, that is purposeless beyond purposelessness, when the people who are supposed to have found the answer and the antidote have only found a prettier avenue to walk down to Sheol.

I have seen, though, that this last season God has been working with me on trust. And, just as clearly, I see that the next step is love.

God, teach me to love, please. In a real, practical way, show me what love is. I cannot give what I do not have, and I cannot share what I do not understand. God... teach me about love. Please. I want to learn.


In worship with mom and the kids tonight, I read this little gem from the first chapter of The Messiah. It's a seed for the harvest that will come later, and I want to record it to remember.

"The law of selfless love was broken in heaven itself. Sin began as selfishness. Lucifer, the brightest and mightiest angel, wanted more. He wanted to be the most important being in heaven. He tried to gain control of the other angels by breaking their loyalty to God. He wanted the angels looking at him.

He began implying that God was demanding worship and loyalty. He painted God as a self-centered dictator who tolerated no questions and no doubts. (This SO aptly describes the picture of God I've had for so long, it's unreal!) With these suggestions, Satan deceived the angels. With the same ideas, he would deceive humans. He led them to doubt God's word and to question his goodness. He tricked them into seeing a God of justice and awesome majesty as cruel and unforgiving. By misrepresenting God's character, Satan pulled humans into his rebellion. The long dark night of earth's history began.

The only way to lighten the shadows was to show that Satan's description of God was wrong. This couldn't be done by force. Force has no place in God's plans. He wants only a response of love, and love does not happen on demand. Love cannot be forced or ordered of anyone. Love is returned only when love is offered.

To know God is to love him. So the way to lead humans back to God was to show humans what God was really like. This could be done by only one Being in the universe. Only Jesus, who knew the limitless love of his Father, could make that love clear to all others.

The plan to save humans was not an afterthought. It was in place before Adam and Eve sinned. The plan was a natural result of the law of selfless love. God's throne and the operation of the universe was founded on this principle. From eternity, God and Jesus knew of Lucifer's fall and that his lies would lead humans to rebel also.

God didn't create sin. He did not want it to exist. But he knew that it would happen and made a plan to deal with that most critical emergency. His plan revealed the great love he had for this world and for humanity. He promised to give his one and only Son, 'that whoever believes in him may not be lost, but have eternal life.' (John 3:16)

Satan in his selfishness wanted to be more important, more honored. He wanted to become a god. Jesus, in his selfless love, did not care about glory or honor. He became a human being."

(All emphasis mine.)

Talked to my grandparents- they'd LOVE to have me for many moons. :)

As I told my grampa, going to this school is not a matter of "if", but "when"-- will I go in January, or will I wait until September? As I told the family at the dinner table, when you think about it, 9 months is not a big chunk of time. In the grand scheme of things, this decision really isn't a huge one. It could change my life forever... but then again, it probably won't.

Turning left at the stop-sign instead of right could maneuver me away from a potential fatal car accident, but do I know that? No. Life altering decisions are usually not conscious ones, I think.

However, I have a place to stay in SoCal now, if I choose to go in Jan. That's nice.

Here are my lists...

Sept- Pros
-Housing in Y
-Healing Journey
-Experience working w/support group
-Time to work out finances, save $
-Day classes
-Less time crunch
-Less gas $ to get down there
-Able to re-apply for FAFSA as an independent
-Able to apply for WISP scholarship
-Transition time
-Free piano lessons from a good teacher (my Gramma!)
-Don't have to re-apply to school

Sept- Cons
-Uncertain job situation (can I get one while there?)
-Heat!
-Changing plans... again.
-Old friends around (C, namely)

Jan- Pros
-Housing
-"Needed"
-No delay
-No "going back on my word"
-Close to friends
-Can go ahead and come- don't need loans to get a place to live anymore

Jan- Cons
-Uncertain job situation
-Go straight into "life" with no finances- living hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck, or living off loans
-Heat!
-Evening classes

Hmm. Now, time to pray. Lord, what would you have me to do?

I've come to the point where I'm suspicious of good things. Not all good things, mind you, but things that just seem to be so good and to fit so right... that's what I thought about the summer camp I worked at. It's perfect! I'm so excited! But people can portray reality any which way they want when you don't know them, and it can wind up being a foretaste of hell.

However, that foretaste imbued me with a strength that I would not have gotten any other way. It is from that experience that I realize, I am strong. I can survive. Sure, I fell apart somewhat during the summer (the S's and D know the full extent of that), but I learned. I've grown.

But, man, I sure don't want to make that mistake again!! I'd rather things go well, quite frankly. I can learn without agony of soul and body, thankyouverymuch.

So, I'm researching massage colleges, and there's one that's captivated my interest. It seems so good, just what I want, in a state that I'd like to live in, not saturated with New Age beliefs, and the lady I talked to was so very nice to me. We clicked well.

I'm just afraid to take that leap, to move forward into the unknown, and... totally hate my decision. I'm afraid it will collapse around my ears.

I suppose the question is, does God dictate our moves to us? How do I know God's leading me? Eh? Because, as usual, I'm afraid to make the wrong choice. :)

And, on a totally different and unrelated note-- I'm SO HUNGRY! 7 days of fasting. I can't wait to start eating again. Tomorrow! Tomorrow! It has never been such a sweet word.

Oh, yeah, and one more thing... Why not do the support group? My counselor challenged me on that. If I have the capabilities to help someone while I'm still here, why not? Why put it off? Why wait? I... don't have a good reason, really, just thinking that it might not be the best to start something I can't finish. After all, I'd planned on facilitating it for a whole year. Now, it looks as though I'll be leaving March/April. That's only 5 or 6 months. But those months could mean the world to someone. I'm gonna do it.

Have you ever been rather certain of something, and yet you do not want to advertise the certain-ness for fear that you are not, in fact, totally certain, and that you will end up looking like a fool?

Yup, I'm in that quandary. I'm praying and praying that God will guide me, show me whether this certainty stems from him or from my own misguided ideas, and, well, I know I'll be making up my mind soon one way or another. I know myself- I'm not one for protracted examination of... anything. I make decisions fast. (Relatively.) My dad, now, he'll research something into the ground before he makes a decision. I'm better about researching my decisions now than I ever was before. But I'm still a rather rapid decision maker. I'll agonize over my choices intensely, but when I come to a decision, I want to get on with things. NOW! lol

Anyway, that's just a private storm brewing in the recesses of my mind. I'll probably have made my mental choice one way or another (for now) by this time next week.

Ahhh... don't you wish you knew what I was alluding to? :)

J's right. I'm impulsive. I swing from one thing to another quickly. Is that a bad thing?

I just feel something in the air... change. It's coming. Something is going to change, in a big way, and soon. I don't know what it is, but I feel it coming. God's preparing me for... something.

In a way, I'm trepidatious, like, "Does this mean that I'm not going to be able to do my support group after all? After setting everything up? Or does it mean that I'm only going to be able to do it for a few months? Isn't that technically failure?"

Because here I've thought that the very fact that God's opening doors for this group is proof that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do... and I am. For now. But that may change soon. I think. Maybe. Heh. (That's just my life!)

I don't want to go anywhere until winter's over. I don't like traveling in winter.

Do I think I'll be leaving S's? Maybe. I love this family, and dearly. Desperately. Obsessively. Compulsively. (Ok, ok, just kidding.) But it's very difficult for me to balance "support" with "salvation" right now... and honestly, I'm tired of being dependent. My dad pays for my medical bills (now that's salvation!), my cell phone (I'm on a family plan ^_^), my car insurance, and until this year, my car tags. The S's provide me with food. I pay for my gas, car maintenance, clothes, other basic necessities of life, gifts, and my Bible college bill. Not bad, I guess (especially with no income!), but I am itching to be totally independent. Not that I wouldn't mind a roommate or something- I don't like staying places totally by myself. But I want to be an adult, for crying out loud! I want to strike out on my own and make an impact on the world.

On the flip side... leaving home is scary, and this place is warm, snug, and secure. Why should I leave the womb? (Funnily enough, I actually refused to leave the literal womb.) I long for change and adventure, yet I am loathe to leave the security of the known and predictable. What a trap to be caught in. Which impulse do I obey?

Interestingly, the Holy Spirit now resides within me. I don't know where he was before, or if he was in me/around me and I just didn't know it, but last night I asked God to send the Holy Spirit into my heart and give me what I need (because I'm not always accurate on what I think I need), and then I found Luke 11:13, which says, "If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?"

Huh. Well, then, I guess that means that God send the Spirit when I asked him to. That means... that now I don't have to be confused about whether or not he dwells within me as 1 Corinthians 3:16 claims he does... because God said he'd do it, so he did. Cool!


I know that the Bible says that when we are followers of God, when we have faith in Jesus' name for our salvation, that the Holy Spirit will come and dwell in us. It always confused me, though, because I thought, That certainly can't be true! Look at all the junk inside me! There's no WAY God would want to hang out in there... But I guess he does. And I think it's only by hanging out among the junk that he can clear it out. He had to come down and live with us people in order to save us... I think it's the same principle, as near as I can tell. Then again, I'm no authority.

Buuuuuuut... now that the Holy Spirit is for sure for sure living inside me, I know that he'll for sure for sure guide me. God's guidance is not some "somewhere out there" thing that I have to try to decipher. God will guide me, personally, now. How? Not sure, precisely, about all the specifics... Definitely through the Bible, though. I mean, if someone were to come to me for advice, and I'd already written a book, I'd probably give them the book to read if it would answer their questions. It'd be tons easier.

But I know that God guides people in other ways than just Biblical exposition. I was reading Acts today, and the disciples were so amazingly attuned to God's voice! Yes, he sent angels and gave them visions, but those were the exception, not the rule. Most of the time, they went places to preach until, well, until they were done. Then they moved on. It's like they just knew. God told them, I think. They didn't stress about having time quotas to spend in each place, or how many converts they were supposed to get... It was powerful stuff, what they were doing. What's really cool is that they were just going and God would give them an opportunity to speak, and they would (and the Holy Spirit would fall on them and give them the words and the power), and people's consciences would be pricked. Usually, that meant people would profess faith in Jesus, but sometimes that meant the apostles would be stoned or thrown in prison or beaten, etc. And that was alright, because it was God's plan, not theirs, and they knew that whatever was befalling them, God had it under control and it would all work out okay.

WOW.

If I could live my life like that, well... there's no telling what could happen. Talk about adventure ;)

I could live with that kind of transmogrification. Imagine, frightened little me, living a life of bold faith.

Oh, I want it. I want it real bad.

But am I willing to bear the cross that comes before the crown?

Eh... that's one item of junk that the HS is gonna have to clear out... all that trepidation I've got plastered on the walls.

Life is whirling around me, faster than I can take it in.

One one hand, that's good. I love to be busy.

On the other hand, it's stressful, and I don't handle stress terribly well. I'm better than I used to be, but still...

D and I officially split up last Thurs. I had sent him a "break-up voicemail" several weeks ago, but I guess he didn't have service. He got it, but then went out of service again, so it was several weeks. We both realize that he has no room in his life for a relationship right now, but he did say that we would keep in touch. (I questioned that, but he insisted... so does that mean I'll hear from him every six months?) I asked if he wanted me to write to him, and he said yes. (I'm limiting myself to one letter a month.) Now that he has bought property and has an address, that's actually possible. That also means, though, that he's not coming back here.

It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I cried after we hung up, and I cried a little that night when I talked to C, but I haven't since. I have peace. I already went through the pain when I sent him the voicemail, and now I only have peace. Peace, and a lingering impression that it's not over. Is that false hope, or an impression from God? I don't trust myself, so I say it's false hope. Every "mentor" type person I've talked to, though, doesn't think it's over. I refuse to cling to hope.

I love him. If God wants me to love him as a friend, I can get used to that. I've been praying that if there is no future, would God please take away my love for him? It's odd... this is not a feeling like I've ever had before. I don't know how to describe it but "pure"-- at least, purer than the love I had for C. It's like, I really, really want the best for D, even if that means I'm out of the picture. I want him to draw close to God, and if I can somehow help lift him higher, then that's what I want. If God needs me to be a supportive friend for him, and that's it, then that's what I'll do.

Even after praying for God to take away the love, it's not gone, but very quiet. Laying low. Subdued? The surging, infatuational emotions are gone. It's just... steady. Steady and quiet.

What's going on inside of me?

I'm fearful that B may be gathering his forces to make another attempt at romancing me. Don't do it! He's lonely, but that still doesn't make it right, or comfortable for me.

We're getting ready to head out of town for a church gathering in a neighboring state. When you have so many food limitations, it's difficult... and I know D and C are stressed about K and her bf once we get there... I'm glad for this brief reprieve to try to collect my thoughts. It seems I've been going nonstop today, and it doesn't look like it's going to ease up for the next month or so. Strength, Lord, give me strength... body, mind, and soul...


K is out in the kitchen, listening to Disney songs on the internet. Why? She's been going through many changes lately, it seems... I think she's trying to figure herself out. I see it in the way she dresses, what she's listening to, what she says... it's interesting. I bet that it was "interesting" to watch me go through all those changes and struggles last year. I have to remember that I was just there myself. I cannot look down on her for this, or I will be a hypocrite of hypocrites. I'm trying to remember to pray for her. That helps change my perspective, for sure...

Found out today that people whose cancer has metastasized have practically a zero percent chance of survival. D's cancer has metastasized; that's why he's having surgery next month.

What can you do in the face of such odds but pray?

I have some tasks to finish yet today before the whirlwind of tomorrow hits me. I should go.

Oh, yeah... Mom called me. She watched Forks Over Knives, and she and my littlest sis have decided to adopt a completely plant-based diet, and try to limit their intake of refined, processed foods. Iiiiinteresting, especially now that she's calling, picking my brain for quick, healthy vegetarian food. I knew there was a reason I've been "training" in specialty cooking these past few years :)

As amazing as that may sound, I actually LIKE not having the option of using the internet whenever I want. It helps me be so much more responsible with my time...

Been having struggles trusting God lately. I'm scared... O ye of little faith... but I'm scared that I've misread God's will and I'm doing the wrong thing that he didn't actually want me to do and so he won't take care of me and I'm going to run out of money and have to sell my body on the streets or something (yeah, right) or maybe marry for money... or run out and get a "real" job so I can support myself, because I know that I could, but then the very things that I came back to Idaho for would go by the wayside. I could get a "real" job anywhere. But where, oh where, does God want me to be?...

Struggles breed intimacy, right? So, logically speaking... God and I should be pretty tight by the end of this rough patch. C reminded me that God already set me up with some jobs here real soon that I had (conveniently) forgotten about in my stress and worry.

I hate tires, by the way. They're so darn expensive, and it seems like they ALWAYS give me issues when I'm running low on funds. Oh, wait... I'm never not running low on funds. That's right.

I really, really, really want to trust God with this... but it's hard. I don't want to be a bum, begging off of family and friends. I'll ditch the gardens and get a "real" job before I do that.

I think that I just need to sleep and talk with God some more. Hopefully he'll let me know if I'm on the right track or not.

What an eventful week it's been.

Time is a river, and the current has picked up quite a bit (for me) lately.

I left summer camp early. I really, really struggled with the decision, as there were a lot of reasons that I wanted to stay. First of all, I loved playing the guitar and singing the girls to sleep at night. I almost feel like that was the reason God took me to camp in the first place! It really fulfilled me.

Secondly, the big improv show during the last week was a big draw for me. I love all things humorous (to a point- I hate crude or unintelligent humor), and I'm naturally a rather dramatic person, so it was something special that I was looking forward to. Even now, I feel twinges of anticipation mixed with heavy dollops of regret when I think about it. Also, J fell off a horse and broke his ankle, and M got tackled by a kid and broke her toe... which means that now, the improv group consists of... 3. So sad.

Naturally, I didn't want to leave my new friends. I knew we'd miss each other, and I know the workload will be heavier on them now that I'm gone. That's the last thing I want- to burden the others. In addition, I thought that I was really needed in the kitchen, and that I was more or less "crucial" (not quite that urgent, but I can't think of the right word) to the smooth production of meals for our group of 300. (There's a Music Camp that is renting space on the camp and running concurrently with our camps, so we have quite a lot of people trooping in the cafeteria doors!)

Welll... the day before I left, the Boss took me out of the kitchen because I had made a mistake. The head cook is sick, one of the other staff had just had oral surgery, another one has a colon infection, and another one had the day off, so were were running short on staff. As I was cleaning up from lunch, I decided against cleaning the grill, since we were going to use it later to make quesadillas, and in the past, I've always been told that, if we're going to use the grill later, don't clean it yet. Well, that was the wrong choice. The very next day, I was out, because I wasn't "aggressive enough". Yup. Apparently, there were also complaints from the kitchen staff that I was taking too long to cook my special food and eat, and that I seemed to care more about my food than I did about serving the other food. (Which, by the by, is balogna, because the kitchen staff and I are on totally cool terms, and if there was a complaint, I would have heard about it from them. And I don't know what he was talking about with food- I usually eat quick, simple things because I don't have the energy to put into something elaborate.)

That really angered me. It wasn't that alone that sparked my rage, but a series of events and small things that built up to the point where I realized that I genuinely dislike the Boss. He infuriates me. That's hard, because I really don't want to be dismissed for physical assault! :) (Oh, yeah, and there's that whole "I don't like hurting people" thing. Ah, yes, and being Christlike. I can't see Jesus practicing his left hook on someone he doesn't like.) Aaaaaactually.... God's been trying to get me to pray for the man. I have, reluctantly at first... but I know it's a discipline I need to continue. I recognize that God does not want bitterness, anger, and resentment to fester inside my heart, and this is a good way to keep it from taking up residence. It's hard to hate someone while you're praying for them. Ever tried it?

I think the beginning of the end came when Gluten Free Girl showed up. There was a camper this last week who is gluten free.  That's fine. I know gluten free. I've been doing it for, what, three years now? I fully expected to be put in charge of her food, and I was willing to do so. As I thought, it got (more or less) delegated to me, so one evening while there was a lull, I was writing down the week's menu so I could plan what she was going to eat. The Boss walked in, asked what I was doing, and when I told him, he said to stop it. It was a waste of time. Do something useful. "She'll eat what we give her."

Right. You're going to cook for her? You walked in, looked at the biscuits and gravy, and asked if they were gluten free. Brother, please.

I was furious. The one thought that burned its way clearly to the forefront of my mind was, "You don't even know. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, MR. 'ICANEATWHATEVERIWANT'!" (Actually, there were a lot more exclamation points and bolding and highlighting and whatever going on in my head, but... this will suffice.) And truly, he doesn't know. Nor does he care to know. He blazes ahead in his "sympathetic" ignorance, bulldozing any others who do not do things his way, for it is his way or the highway. 

I thought to myself, I'm still going to do it, just not when you're around. See, the girl's parents sent a whole bag of stuff with her, but, as most GF stuff is, it's all mixes. The poor girl had to wait an hour the first day for her food (some pasta with cheese) because he didn't think ahead and make a pizza crust for her.

So he comes up to me later and says, "I just don't want you burdening yourself with that." I immediately replied, somewhat shocked, "It's not a burden."
"Yes it is," he says. "It's a burden. Don't waste your time."

What?!?!?!?!?!

Okay, whatever. You're the Boss. And, I'm ashamed to admit it, but one of the main reasons I let it go was because I wanted to watch him crash and burn. (I really, really didn't want to sacrifice the poor girl on the altar of my "vendetta", but I knew that if I tried to oppose him, I'd be fired anyway, so it wouldn't have made much of a difference.)

It was after that the mistake and subsequent removal from the kitchen happened.

An overarching theme to this whole drama is the fact that I'd been getting sick- very sick. Constant exposure to the foods I'm allergic to have broken down my body's resistance, and it has basically been responding as if I'd been straight up ingesting the foods. This is bad. This is very bad. But I can be a soldier. I can tough it out. I started taking pain killers, which helped some. I knew that I couldn't hack it 'till September, so I had decided to leave in two weeks, when camp was done, because they neeeeeded me!

Well, after our head cook threw up in to the trash can, I was trying to dish up the beans and the Boss kept saying, "I'll do it. I'll do it," and taking the stuff away from me. Okay... Are you going to let me do my job, or no? (This is the evening of the grill-cleaning fiasco- I hadn't cleaned it after lunch, and now they were cleaning it and making quesadillas.) The Boss turns to me and says, "If you're sick, you leave, too."

"It's not a contagious sick."

"If you're not feeling good, you leave. We don't need you getting more sick."

This wasn't a sympathetic, I want you to heal and rest and get better statement. This was more of an I'm tired of you being sick statement.

Well, I left. I went back to my cabin and I punched the walls and kicked the bed and screamed some unearthly primeval scream and I sobbed until my eyes were totally bloodshot.

I felt so worthless. I felt so weak. I felt like everyone else on camp was doing their jobs, pulling their weight, and I was dead weight. I was still furious over gluten free girl and his callous disregard for her needs (and, by inference, my needs). Like in everything else, he would do just enough to make sure she got something, but nothing too good, because, well, that would take time. It would take money, Lord forbid.

I was almost to the point of self-harm, I was so distraught. I knew that my thinking was off, so I went and asked for my phone. If that wasn't an emergency, I don't know what is! Unfortunately... not a single soul in my support system answered their phone! Of course. *grim smile*

Praise God, he knew what I needed. My staff roomie walked in, and we got to talking. As it turns out, I'm not the only one who doesn't like the Boss (a fact I knew about the kitchen staff, but not about the other staff) and who is really frustrated and annoyed by his inconsistent leadership and favoritism. They're pretty much here for the money.

He's not a good leader. He doesn't teach, he censures. If you make a mistake, you've got problems. He's inconsistent in many ways. He is a micromanager who insists on things done his way (even if you've already received orders that are contradictory). He's manipulative. He's cheap. Not frugal, or a "good steward", but cheap. He's insincere. He puts on a good face, and sometimes I actually feel like he cares about me, but then the veneer wears thin, and I see that he doesn't. (That's part of the inconsistency- if you're going to pretend, at least keep up your front!) He talks about God, sometimes, but I see no walk to his talk. He says things, "my God this" and "my God that", and I find myself thinking, If your God is anything like you, I wouldn't serve him in a million years. He runs an organization, not a ministry.

And that, I think is the true reason why I left. I can't work with the man anymore. He's killing my soul.

Wednesday night, I was informed that I was going to be taken out of the kitchen, so I wouldn't continue getting sick. Awesome! That was a total answer to a prayer J and I had not minutes before!! I was so stoked! Then the kicker: "If you can't handle that, we're going to have to let you go."

Ahh, I see. So I'm not indispensable. Hmm. Well, there goes that objection...

I left that encounter with the Boss and headed to the fire pit for worship. One thing to the Boss's credit- he picks awesome camp pastors. The worship that night was about living rich. God is our Father, yes? And God owns everything, yes? So, if we are children of God, then why do we worry about money? In Christ, we have everything we need- we are rich!

Huh. Well... there goes objection #2. I've been so worried about money- how am I going to pay off my SOULS bill?! That's what's kept me here so long...

After those two objections were removed (and quite speedily, I might add), it only took the encounter the next morning to convince me that I no longer needed to put up with the Boss's shenanigans.

I approached him after Staff Meeting to ask how he wanted me to balance my new schedule with food preparation and eating (because at the beginning, he was almost phobic about my eating different food in front of the kids). That was when I was told that I'd take my rest hour to cook all three meals. I'd just have to plan ahead. (At this point, I was thinking, I thought planning ahead was a burden and a waste of time?) Because I couldn't have "an hour and a half to cook and eat like you are doing now" (this is where the complaints comment came in). It was all very... how do I describe it? Curt. Inflexible. Close-minded.

This, from the man who wooed me to his summer camp with smooth assurances that I would have all the time and resources I would need to make this thing work. Now I'm being shut down, accusations are being thrown in my face that I knew nothing about, and I can sense that he's tired of dealing with my issues.

If he had brought up the complaint in a different spirit so that I could correct the situation, rather than using it as an excuse to deny me previously agreed upon terms, I may not have gotten so angry. As it was, I was immediately... enraged. I cannot recall the last time I was so furious, with the exception of the day before, and even that was a toss-up. I knew I had to get out of there, or I was going to hurl my full water bottle at his face. He did, however, reluctantly give me permission to go right then while the kids were having worship and set up my breakfast, because I hadn't planned ahead, but this was the only day. How kind of him.

I flew to the bathroom, tears stinging my eyes, and I checked to make sure that there was no one around. Then I hurled the water bottle into the corner with all my might (and broke it, sadly) and broke down crying. I can't do this, God. I can't do this! I can't work with him anymore! I can't do this... please, don't ask me to do this... I mean, I will if you want me to, but please... I can't do this....

I collected my water bottle, headed back to my cabin, and proceeded to punch some more walls.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. YOU HAVE NO STINKING CLUE.

More screaming, more tears, more prayer, a bruised hand... and I was done. I was leaving.

My objections had been removed. I was free. The things that had held me there before were not enough to keep me there anymore. What is an improv show when the laughter echoes from a hollow soul?

One thing that had chained me to this place was guilt. If I left, I was a quitter, a failure. I can't handle that. But now... I know that, as a human being with worth and value, I can say no. I can stand up and say, "I will not take this anymore. I do not have to be treated this way."

I didn't leave because of homesickness, and I didn't leave solely on the basis of my broken health. I left on the basis of my broken trust. I trusted the Boss, and he has seriously disappointed me. I don't trust him anymore, needless to say. He's not a safe person, and it's okay for me to remove myself from that situation.

Before nightfall, I had that job my dad offered me. I'm going on a paid road trip. I'm going to see natural wonders, the works of God's hands. I'm going home. And I'm happy about that.

Ahhhhhh....

The house is clean. There's nothing quite like the feel of a home clean and ready for Sabbath. I love it.

Since H's love language is acts of service, I decided to put forth some extra effort and really make things tidy for when she gets back on Sunday. I even scrubbed the shower. I dislike scrubbing the shower.

So, on to the topic of my thoughts for today!

"How are you and D doing?" I get that question a lot. And it makes sense- those who I call are those I'm close to, and those I'm close to know that this is a totally new frontier for me. I'm not offended in any way by their questions, it just makes me chuckle that almost every person would ask the same question, phrased in almost the exact same way. (The alternative phraseology is "How are things going with you and D?")

And things are... going. We're progressing normally, I think. C asked me today if we'd said "I love you" to each other yet. I must admit, I was rather flabbergasted and slightly horrified by the idea. Not horrified by the idea of saying "I love you" to D (that is actually a rather pleasant prospect ^_^), but horrified by the idea of introducing something so weighty into our relationship so soon. I mean, like is one thing, but love? That's a whole different ballpark.

I know I like him. I am attracted to him physically, I think he's quite good looking, and he has the ability to give me butterflies. He has a good sense of humor, and we can laugh together (although once in a while he cracks a joke that I think is kind of crude, but I'm willing to overlook that). As a matter of fact, we do laugh together, quite a bit. He's intelligent, logical, resourceful, he seems to be a good, hard worker, and he loves his mom a lot. He's very good to his mother. (That gives me hints on how he would treat a future wife.) He's encouraging when I'm discouraged, and he's steady but fun. He's kind. He loves the outdoors. (We may have issues there... I don't like hiking as much as he does, I think. I mean, I enjoy it, but it's not my number one favorite activity.) Ahh, yes, and he loves God.

That, to me, is key. He has a testimony, an experience. I refuse to be caught up in another relationship where I cannot worship God alongside my partner. I won't.

I asked him today about his spiritual life. Because it was at the end of the conversation, I posed it as a question to think about overnight, and we can compare answers tomorrow. The question was, "What is your spiritual life like? Also, how would you summarize where you are with God?" I need to think about it myself, and figure out how to put it into words. So... we'll see.

Honestly, I don't know how to tell if someone is spiritually compatible, really, because everyone's relationship with God is unique. There's not a blueprint I can compare his answer with. C gave me some advice, which was that the key thing is that he be willing and wanting to grow, and that I need to take his answer and pray about it, and let God tell me whether or not we are compatible.

So things are... going. We talk when we can. He called me beautiful once. He sent me flowers :) We made mutual admissions of missing each other. I haven't done much in the way "mush", for a few reasons. First of all, I want our relationship to be based on more than mere emotions. Secondly, well... I'm shy. Thirdly, I fear rejection. Fourthly, if we do split up for some reason, I want it to be as painless as possible, so the less I "mush", the easier that would be.

But I do care for him, very much. He's a wonderful man. I'm glad that he's a part of my life.

God, this is so hard... because if I don't condemn myself, then someone else might, and which hurts worse- to kill yourself, or let someone else crucify you?

"I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the Joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My Love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you find it easier to believe you are My beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.

Instead of trying to "fix" yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in My righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love."
{Ephesians 2:7-8;  Hebrews 3:1;  Psalm 34:5}

Really, El Shaddai? How do you know me so well?!

“O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. The LORD redeemeth (ransoms) the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.” {Psalm 34:8, 22}

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” {Isaiah 55:8, 9}

Wow. What a week. (Nine days, actually, since my last day off... now I understand more of why God instituted Sabbath rest. I don’t like not having it!)

They took away our computers and cell phones on the first day of Staff Training, which would be the Sunday before last. I had heard, and was hoping, that they would let us keep our phones and comps during training week, but no such luck.

I wrote six letters last week. Boy, how I miss communicating...

Staff training was busy. The returning staff say that they don’t remember working this much or this hard during training weeks before. I wouldn’t know any different. My days are all pretty much the same, since I’m in the kitchen.

I feel like some sort of superhero (or maybe supervillain?)-- by day, I’m a mild-mannered member of the kitchen staff. By night... I am a girl’s counselor. Yeah, yeah, nothing too thrilling in the way of saving the world. But, if you think about it... I am helping to save the world a little bit. The kids look up to the staff, and the way we interact with them could affect major life decisions. Kids are extremely impressionable, especially at this young age (6-8). So as I am a good influence on these girls, I am helping to make the world a better place, a little bit.

When the campers showed up on Sunday, I realized what a heavy responsibility we have as staff. I remember being a camper and being in a sort of awe around the counselors (not the kitchen staff, unfortunately!), like, “Whoaaaaa... They’re so COOL, and so much older, and so... whoa.” Now, I’m the staff. How the tables have turned!

The reason I included those verses at the beginning was because I’ve had an interesting experience with God these past nine days. I did NOT want to be in the kitchen when I first came up here, then I was okay with it, then I had to come to terms with the fact that I might be in the kitchen all summer, and now... I’m in the kitchen all summer. And it’s okay. As a matter of fact, I’m enjoying it!

I got my Food Handler’s License last week. I got to play short-order cook and crank out quesadillas for a hundred-odd people. I got to be part of the serving team for 600 people last weekend. There have been a lot of challenging experiences, and a lot of fun and laughter to go with them. I just pray that I can be a shining light for God, no matter where I am. The LDS group that was here had some nice things to say to me.

“You’re always so cheerful and smiling! Look at her! She’s filling up the lettuce, and she’s still smiling!”

“You have the most gorgeous voice.”

“Thank you SO much! I love croutons!”

Hehe.

Then there was the homesickness that I have dealt with for the last two and a half months. It got so bad that I was going to leave... again. I just wanted to go home, to be where I was wanted and loved, because I was feeling like a failure or a burden here. THEN, in one of our staff meetings, the Boss told the group that anyone who was homesick should just go home. They don’t want homesick people here who are going to be bringing the kids down, or doing a halfhearted job. I thought, “Aha! An easy out! But should I take it? Should I actually leave?”

So I prayed... and cried. I did a lot of crying. And I prayed that God would help me. But the feelings didn’t go away. I was still down and sad and missing home desperately.

That night, I dreamt that I actually drove back home, and I walked into the living room and the family was there, and Juneaux was there, and I was so happy to be home, and they were so happy that I was home, and... I was miserable when I woke up.

So in my quiet time with God, I prayed again.

God, if you have a reason for me to be here this summer, then I need you to take away my homesickness, and give me a heart of happiness and joy, a heart that’s willing to serve.

I still felt sad and lonely, but I went to work anyway. Around lunch time, I stopped short as I realized, I’m happy! And I’m not homesick anymore!

Don’t get me wrong, I still miss home. It’s a wonderful place to be, and I want to be back there as soon as possible... but I’m not homesick. I can wait. It’s okay. I’m not desperate and pining and miserable because I’m not at home anymore.

And time has passed, and the horrible waves of homesickness have not washed over me again. God is good. I tasted, and I’m amazed. And I know that his plans and thoughts are way higher and better than mine... because I sure didn’t plan on being in the kitchen this summer, but it’s been a growth experience that I never would have anticipated. It’s been good, and I’m glad.

Yesterday, I was told that 5 or 6 of the kids here at camp are here because I went to their school recruiting. I got an “attaboy” from the Boss. :)

I’ll probably do a separate post with pictures of the camp, so I’ll wrap this up... because I want to call D. I haven’t talked to him yet (I had to go shopping for jeans yesterday, and I don’t do well shopping and phone talking at the same time), and today’s our 2 month mark.

I’m glad I’m here, and now I know that God has a reason for my being here this summer. No more uncertainty. I like that.