Vindictive Happiness

I felt, for the first time in recollection, what can only be described as vindictive happiness.

I know, I know, it's an oxymoron, really.

The thought process behind it was such:

Wow, you're sure in a crappy mood. Hmm. How about that. Well, you know what? I've got a whole day ahead of me that doesn't need to be affected by your crabbiness, and you know what else? You can be miserable by yourself. I'm not going to let your mood affect me. I'm going to be happy anyway. So there. Take that, Crabby McCrabberson.

Unfortunately, my thoughts didn't stop there, and I shortly realized that I, too, was a Crabby McCrabberson... sorta. I wasn't letting it show on the outside, but I was just having one of those days where I can't, can't, can't wait to move out.

It's funny, the swings I go through.
Ach, they're my family! How will I ever live without them? I shall miss them so!
 all the way to
Good grief, I'm so done. I'm not yours. You don't have claims on me. What I do is out of free will, voluntary service, and I'm ready to pull the plug.

And, today, I was on the outer edge of the pendulum swing.

Part of me gets a bitter, smug satisfaction out of the thought that You're gonna miss me. Nah nah nah nahnahnah. Just wait... just wait till I'm gone. Then you'll see how hard life is without me.

Dumb, right? Especially since J is coming home. It'll be a smooth transition, probably. While she was gone, I was here. Now that I'm going, she'll be back. They'll always have had 2 daughters in the home to help with the family mechanics.

As I was pondering my mood and my irritated thoughts (and praying!! Lord, deliver me from this b****iness!), it also occurred to me... the world ought to be grateful that I'm not the Messiah.

Because Jesus is sympathetic. We don't have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but rather one who was in all points tempted like we are, yet without sin.

I was definitely not sympathetic. And so it was a vindictive happiness, not true happiness, as I later discovered.

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