I lie here in the semi-darkness; the room is lit with a weird half glow from the gibbous moon somewhere outside. The darkness is translucent and diaphanous about me, tinged with heady blues and soft blacks and the minute, luminous influence of starlight.

I am alive, vibrant, and humming despite my inevitable fatigue. My body yawns and curls in on itself; my spirit swings wildly in the breeze of my thoughts and flutters on the edge of an abyss. It reaches out with impossible hands to gather the moonlight to myself, to pluck the stars from the sky one by one and place them on my tongue to feel them melt into inexplicable froth and disappear.

The ever present question looms large in the darkness of my supposed rest: what is wrong? Another disease stricken off the list, and I suppose I ought to be grateful for each horrible fate that no longer awaits, each drooling and writhing hydra gnashing its teeth I somehow manage to escape. And yet… I find myself disappointed. Each awful reality would make so much sense, it would fit so well, and yet it all remains enigmatic and foggy… a foe that strikes at me from the mist, and I am helpless to identify it, to strike back, or indeed do more than clumsily dodge blows as best I can and try to staunch the bleeding.

It's not lupus. Well what the hell is it?! It's not multiple sclerosis. It's not this. It's not that. Do I just have the worst case of fibromyalgia in the whole freaking world?! Did I just hit the terrible luck jackpot and I have to live this way the rest of my life? Continually worsening… medications ineffective… barely scraping by financially because everything extra goes towards medical bills and the trips it takes to get me to doctors who might actually be able to do something… Maybe I should just do what a good soldier does and fall on my sword. But no… I've contemplated that so much lately, down to the minutae of planning and taking into account all the loose ends to be tied up upon my demise… and the thing that gets me every time is the mental image of C finding my body. I can't bear the look on his face or the tears. I just can't do it. So I curl up into a ball and whimper while the mist swirls and eddies around me, while the unknown, unnamed, faceless enemy (enemies??) stalks and jeers and jabs and demoralizes.

I want to get better. I want to be better so bad it hurts. (Maybe that's my problem. Hah!) I have so much potential… so much locked away inside because I don't have the energy or strength to pull it from myself and lay it out in the sun. I need an assistant, a minion, a crone… Someone to hobble hunchbackedly to and fro at my beck and call. Someone to take over the menial tasks of living so that I can focus all my precious remaining energy on creative, ennobling endeavors.

I sit here bare skinned, swathed only in quilts and blankets, and even in the dark I cannot bear the sight of myself. It is not that my form is displeasing, per se… but it's because I can see what is inside me and it kills me that I can't be everything that I want to be. On the inside, I am wind chimes and church bells and Tibetan prayer bowls and bagpipes and a hand drum. I am brightly colored beads flashing in the sun, multi-hued fish swishing secretly through cool ponds and rivers, and the whisper of leaves as the weather changes. I am the smell of rain on the way, the eye boggling pleasure of a riotous tie dye pattern, the satin caress of age-smoothed wood, and the soul satisfying release of the perfect cup of tea or coffee. I am so many bright, beautiful, eclectic, warm and neutral, shining, earthy, wildfire things inside… and I can't get them out. I can't be who I really am and who I really could and should be because of this poor broken body that I can't help but hate sometimes. Most of the time I regard it with a fond kind of pity as you would with an injured kitten, maybe with a bad leg. Other times, though, the frustration boils up in me like a scalding magma that feels so good to indulge yet at the same time fills me with a deep and ineffable despair and sadness… because I am not sure that this body, this prison, will ever change. Kitten's legs can heal. My beautiful soul-skeleton is closed in by swaths of pale, chubby flesh shot through with purple stretch marks that were never there before. Sometimes they are beautiful tattoos that tell the story of my Amazonian endurance, and other times they are the ragged cracks through which despair and disgust ooze from my very core as lava from the earth's crust.

So I lie here in the half-moonlight, and I wait. I wait for sleep to overcome me, as inevitably it will. I wait for tomorrow to begin. I wait… I just… wait.

So I have a "confession" to make. (I put confession in quotes, because the word connotes the sense that I've done something bad that I am admitting to, but I don't consider this particular thing to be bad, actually. It's just the word that most accurately conveys the type of discussion I'm about to have with myself.)

I'm done with Christianity.

I went to church a week and a half ago, and it was nice to see all the people that I'm familiar with and that care about me. That was the good part. I did get sick and have to leave just a few minutes into the sermon, but I kind of expected that. What I was looking for was... I dunno. Some kind of fulfillment. I have so much nostalgia attached to church and the singing of hymns, of listening with rapt attention to the sermon and following along in my Bible. I miss that culture sometimes, I really do. SOULS was a good time, despite all of the difficulties I experienced and the twisted ideas I came away with. I miss the camaraderie, the  passionate pursuit of a common goal. I miss the music. Oh, do I miss the music... I miss the intellectually stimulating conversations, the inside jokes, the whole culture of Adventism. I miss belonging to something.

But I didn't find that when I went to church. I didn't find anything but my friends, and even that wasn't enough. I watched the service through new eyes, and I was disappointed to find that it no longer seemed to fit in with the reality of my world. I wanted it to. I wanted it all to make sense like it used to, but it just didn't. It doesn't. But I was willing to overlook that, to try to get back into it.

Today, though, E and I went to one of the high risk charter high schools to do a presentation on teen dating violence. While we were going through the teen power and control wheel (see picture below), we were talking about abusive control. E was talking, and she was describing how a partner manipulates the other with, "If you love me, you'll _______" to get them to do what the abusive partner wants. When E said that phrase, "If you love me," the words that immediately leapt to mind to complete the phrase was a Bible verse-- John 14:15. "If you love me, keep my commandments."

That's a sentiment that's always kind of bothered me. That, and the follow-up chapter, John 15, especially verse 14: "You are my friends if you do whatever I command you." Well, duh. Of course I'd be friends with someone if they did whatever I told them to! That's always what I thought when coming across those verses, and it bothered me.

Don't get me wrong-- I think the Bible has a lot of good things going for it. There are plenty of fabulous principles to live your life by. Waiting until a mature, monogamous, long term relationship to have sex? That's good sense that's been backed up by neuropsychology. Not killing other people? Yeah, that's a pretty good idea too. Taking care of your body, treating it as a temple, a special thing? Also a great idea.

But the more I learn and heal from my past abuse the more I see why I've had such a hard time dealing with God and religion and church... because there are so many abusive, controlling overtones and triggers. Sure, some people can deal with it, and that's great. My friend J? Religion works for her. The God thing works for her. That's how she lives her life, and she's a fantastic person, and I'm really happy for her. But I just can't do it. I can't get behind someone that says, "If you love me, you will do _______." John 15:10 says, "If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love."

"I will love you if you do what I say. If you love me, do what I tell you to." No. I don't think so. Sorry.

So I guess that makes me an agnostic now. I believe in a higher power, though whether that's an actual conscious intelligence or just the greater balancing force of the universe, I couldn't say right now. But I definitely believe there's more going on than just our teeny tiny little humanness down here on Earth.

Maybe someday I'll get back to Christianity. Maybe I won't. I couldn't say for sure right now. But I am relieved to have made up my mind one way or another, though I didn't expect it to come so quickly and decisively, and definitely not in the middle of a session on teen dating violence! What a place to have an epiphany, huh?

I'm not going to go announcing this from the rooftops, but I just hope that I don't lose too many of my Christian friends over this... but I guess that if they don't love me if I'm not a Christian, then a.) they weren't really my friends in the first place, and b.) they're not living up to that Christian standard they profess? I know I won't have any problems with my atheist or pagan friends. Shoot, they'll probably be happy for me. C says that he's glad that I'm getting stronger. What he means by that is that I'm thinking for myself, making my own decisions despite the possibility of disapproval from others, and I'm not doing the codependent people-pleasing thing any longer. I'm glad, too. Honestly, I'm scared of the potential rejection and backlash (and I'm really dreading possible evangelism attempts), but I know that I can be true to myself and stick to my guns. I can. But oh... I'm nervous. Please, nobody give me a tough time...

Blech.

"Jane Doe Nobody, Humble Servant of the Lord"? Really?

Does God really want us to erase our identities in order to be a good Christian?

If so... I'm out, yo.

That kind of "faith" puts a bad taste in my mouth.

Also, church down the street has a new sign:

"Church was never meant to be safe or predictable. God isn't either of those things."

A mini sermon on how God isn't safe?

Yeah, I could have told you that when I was being molested and he (apparently) didn't lift a finger to help me.

Can you tell I'm bitter?

My counselor asked me last week, "So what I'm hearing, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that you're angry with God?"

"Heck yes! I'm super pissed at him!"

Yep. Sure am. That's a major obstacle to wanting to figure out this whole religion-God thing...

Okay, okay. I acknowledge that there are a couple of options, here. Perhaps I had false expectations which led to my disappointment. But really, you shouldn't go around telling kids in Sabbath school that Jesus will help them if they only pray unless it's actually true.

Maybe that's part of the reason why "the youth" are leaving the church in droves (if the reports are to be believed). Because they were told that God can do anything, and Jesus loves you, and he cares about you so much that if you lose a sewing needle or need to open a bottle of glue then you kneel down and pray and Jesus will help you. So they test it out. Bad things happen. It's life. It's inevitable. Something goes wrong, and they pray, and... nothing happens. So they pray again. And nothing happens. And your step-father keeps paying you nasty little visits in the night, and beating you, and spending your family's food money on drugs and piddly pursuits, and still nothing happens. Oh, sure, every now and then you find the thing you were looking for (right in front of your eyes the whole time!), but the major issues still go unresolved.

And so you figure that either you're not worth helping, or it was a lie.

I thought the first one for so long... and now I'm swinging 'round to the second one.

I'm not going to lie-- I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel let down. I feel... yeah. I feel like I just wasn't good enough for God to step in and do something. I feel like he should have done something, like they always told me he would, and then he didn't. Like he just doesn't care enough?

Elijah's words ring too true in my head... Maybe God was asleep? Maybe he was on the toilet? Maybe he was otherwise preoccupied? Because why else wouldn't he have heard me? "Before they call, I will answer, and while they are yet speaking I will hear."

Um, what?

I call bullshit.

Sorry, God.

So I'm just thinking that maybe the way that I've been going about it is wrong, you know? Like maybe all that crazy evangelical Christian stuff isn't where it's at for me? I don't know how obvious it is here, but I've stopped identifying with SDA's. I don't consider myself one anymore. I mean, it's still a part of my DNA, practically, but... I just can't do that anymore. There's too much grief. Too much anger. Too much fitting myself into a mold that I just don't fit into, too much "shoulding".

It's funny, because I remember C asking me a year or so ago, "Do you think you'd ever leave the church?"

My reply was a cavalier, "No! Of course not! I mean, I don't foresee that happening at this point. I guess it could happen, but I seriously, seriously doubt it..."

Maybe she saw something that I couldn't see, even then?

So I'm trying to find my own path. Yeah, I know, I heard the message at GYC, and in Sabbath school, and over and over and over again, that the whole "more than one way to God" thing is postmodernism and it's infecting the church and the way the youth think and yada yada yada.

But what do you do if THE path makes you feel like a horrible person? What do you do if THE path fosters and inflames the anger and the issues you already have with God? What do you do then?

Suck it up? Accept it as "your cross to bear"? Yeah, probably.

But I'm not gonna do that anymore. At least not right now.

You know what's weird? I feel like a more authentic, more fully-alive, more "better" person since I quit church. I was waiting to burst into flame or something, to become this horrible person... but it didn't happen. You know, because all those testimonies start out with, "I was living a life without God and it was awful and then I found Jesus and now I'm happy!"

Why is my testimony reversed??

This sucks. I'm going to hell.

But I guess I'll be whistling on my way there.

I don't know what to believe.

I'm researching articles on whether food allergies can be cured or not, and it's literally almost an "every other" response- Yes, No, Yes, No.

Actually, many of the places state that food allergies are caused by "leaky gut", which is where the intestines are damaged and allow food particles to get into the bloodstream, causing an immune response. So, the theory goes, if you can fix your leaky gut, you can fix your food allergies.

Really?

Really?

Can it be that simple?

Is that why I developed food allergies?

I dunno, but I found a good (legit) article on how chronic stress induces intestinal hypersensitivity. Seriously, this quote just grabs my attention: "...Yang and colleagues demonstrate that, in a genetically susceptible host, stress contributes to the development of food allergies by increasing transepithelial permeability in a corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH)-dependent fashion.⁵ Their report offers convincing data to support their earlier groundbreaking observations that stress may alter epithelial function."

Hah! I knew it! And where do corticotropin-releasing hormones come from? Why, the hypothalamus, in response to stress. It's a peptide hormone and a neurotransmitter (affects the body/tissues and the brain). That makes sense, since the hypothalamus is the "crossover" between the brain and body. (By the way, my theory about my damaged hypothalamus has since been de-bunked. It's just way more likely that my problems are due to chronic sympathetic nervous system dominance, which led to adrenal insufficiency and hypothyroidism and intestinal hypersensitivity/food allergies and possibly depression.)

My teacher "Doc" (who actually is an M.D., btw) and I were talking about that last week. In class (we're covering the endocrine system right now), he brought out that the way to heal adrenal insufficiency is rest, lots of rest. And in our private conversation, he emphasized that I need to get out of sympathetic dominance and into parasympathetic dominance, because the parasympathetic system is the restorative one. Sympathetic is "fight or flight", keyed up, ready for action, pumping out those stress hormones... and that's where I've lived. Yeah, my whole life. No, I'm not exaggerating.

I've been thinking about making a timeline of my life one of these days. I just kind of want to see it all lain out in front of me. For objectivity's sake.

Anyway, back to the article...

Here's hoping!

What an odd sort of week. Good, to be sure... but odd.

I had my second counseling appointment today. It went well, and already she says she can see positive things happening.

We talked a lot about “breaking the cycle” that I go through with depression and stress. Apparently, I’ve already identified my own cycle (true), and I was able to describe how I broke out of it.

Having a sounding board is so helpful to me. She picks up on what I say, reflects it back, and I have to stop and think, “Oh, yeah. I said that, huh?”

Also, HUGE validation from H (the counselor)! We were talking about guilt and self-talk and expectations and all that. As she summarized my life currently, she said, “You have a lot on your plate. You’re very busy.”

I cannot tell you how validating, how good it felt to hear her say that. Weird, I know. But I guess it’s that constant background tape of “Well, you’re not really that busy. You’re not doing that much. Other people do this much and more. You could be doing more. You should be doing more. You’re really not that busy. Don’t get too impressed with yourself-- this is nothing.” To hear someone else say, “Wow, you are really busy,” kind of gives me permission to step back and say, “You know what? Yes. Yes, I am. And I am not going to be ashamed or guilty of the fact that I think my plate is full.” (That’s a tendency of mine, of course. Boundary setting related, I think. Who am I to say that my plate is full? Um, hello, only the one who has to live with all these crazy decisions!! lol)

If my friend told me, “I’m going to school full time, working part time, doing odd jobs on the side, volunteering, and planning a wedding,” I would tell her, “Dude. You’re doing a ton. You’re my hero. Seriously, though, knock it off. You’re going to kill yourself.” (Much like how I feel when I talk to a certain Miss KW... lol) Yeah. My tendency is to over-fill my plate, which leads to collapse, then horrible, horrible guilt for now doing nothing and for collapsing in the first place. To compensate for the horrible guilt (or maybe to appease it and give it what it wants so it’ll stop gnawing at me?), I then load my plate over-full again, which leads to collapse, and then... Gah. Somebody shoot me.

So it was... there were.. lessons. I guess.

Those few weeks of bliss, of balance, have given me hope that I can actually live like that. And I got away from it. I don’t feel like a failure, because all I did was drift back to my normal, comfortable, familiar ways of dealing with life and myself. These new behaviors will take time and practice to learn, and that’s okay and totally normal. I need to be realistic and kind about this.

So! Here’s my toolbox, my Control Panel for adjusting the knobs and buttons of my inner brain workings. First of all, I need to learn how to relax. I need to intentionally set time aside for reward and rejuvenation. (Especially with the adrenal burnout. I’m getting that message loud and clear from my science class, as we’re going over the endocrine system right now. The way to heal adrenal fatigue is lots and lots of rest, and that’s the opposite of what I do with myself!!)

Here is how I am going to be intentional with myself and my thoughts for this coming week (and the weeks beyond, but let’s just take it one step at a time, shall we?).

• Self-validation for work/accomplishment

Part of what I was doing for myself those good weeks was taking time to praise myself and acknowledge what I’d done throughout the day. Rather than impatiently demanding more from myself, I stepped back, looked at the day, and said, “Hey, you’ve really done a lot today C. And you’ve done it well. Good job! So, what fun thing would you like to do as a reward?” That was great! But, well... life crowded it out. It wasn’t a priority. And it needs to be..

• Control-- I have the choice.

Most of my life, I have felt and/or actually been powerless. Life, my circumstances, Providence, etc. It all ran me. I didn’t really choose, I waited around to see what I should do, what I was supposed to do, “what is God/my parents/my godly friends/Ellen White telling me to do?”, etc. Part of what’s been so liberating for me is taking back my freedom to choose, and the responsibility that comes with it. This last week, when I was getting all wound up and stressed about the upcoming trip to Yosemite and the preparations necessary and my homework and work and what have you, I texted BJ and told her that I may not go. She wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea, but just knowing that I could choose whether to go or not and it would all be okay regardless (even if she was disappointed, she’s a big girl and can take responsibility for her own feelings-- I do not have to do that for her!) was the relief I needed to be able to handle what was left to be done. And that’s what got me through the weekend during the most trying times; knowing that I had chosen to be there. This really goes along with, and is a part of, setting boundaries. (Which we all know is something that I’ve been working on.)

• Prioritize-- let it go.

This is something that started percolating in my head with the last counselor. Making lists of all that needs to be done, breaking it up into realistic segments, and learning not to freak out if something doesn’t get done that day. No problem. Just move it to tomorrow. It’s okay. I need to do this with my life, both big picture and nitty gritty. This actually... may change a few things right now. We discussed how when I try to deal with the past abuse, I basically morph into this person that can’t function at all, and I hate it. But my personality is that “get it over and done with” type, and I know that I “have issues” (as we’ve come to call it lol), and I want to get those straightened out! Especially with my health and all... I mean, I know they’re related. As I heal emotionally, I heal physically. Which is why it’s such a novel concept for me to look at my life, evaluate it, realize that I have a full plate (yay!), and... decide to maybe put intensive healing on the back burner for a while. It’s like, now that I’ve added in wedding planning, I have to take something else out to keep the equilibrium.

It feels weird, though... like I’m giving up? But I know I’m not. I think part of taking care of yourself is recognizing when you need to step back for a while. Even the book on abuse I’m reading now says that. I just totally didn’t think it would apply to me! (I distinctly remember thinking, “Oh, yeah. Right. Like I’ll ever do that...”)

• Identify overwhelming triggers

Goes with the above. Take stock, focus, and re-work things so they aren’t overwhelming.

• Logical, patient self-talk (vs. impatient, illogical)

I’m seeing that I’m basically learning to take care of the child within me, the one that was never nurtured. I need to treat myself as I would a child-- kindness, patience, acknowledgement of achievements (no matter how small!), appropriate expectations, fun :D, encouraging development of personality, etc. Logical, patient self-talk will have much to do with this. Especially the patient part. I must be patient with myself. This will definitely be a new one.

I bet the impatience comes from having to grow up so fast. I needed to have arrived already, all the time. I never got the chance to learn at an appropriate pace. I had to be a mother, a daughter, a sister, a housekeeper, a babysitter, a lover (?!), a good student, a kid, a confidante, a friend, a keeper of family secrets... all at the same time. All way too young. Seven? Eight? Nine? Poor kid. Poor little me. I will never, ever do that to my children.

• Meditation

Yeah, I know it’s weird. But this has come up so many times the last week or two, it’s thoroughly ridiculous. From all different sources. It’s like, “God, are you trying to tell me something?” And I know the SDA’s reading this are thoroughly alarmed. A trap of the devil! Runnnnnnn!

Erm, yes. I suppose. I’m kind of over the whole “ruse of Satan” thing, though, because it was applied to pretty much everything for so long that it’s lost its effectiveness. (Cheese! It’s of the devil! lol) I mean, if he’s gonna get me, he’s gonna get me. That’s deception, right? That’s what always puzzled me... “The devil is trying to deceive you! Beware! Be alert!” Yeah, but, if it’s a deception... then you can’t see it. Thus the very nature of the thing. So what’s the point in being all worked up all the time over everything? My philosophy is that you do the best you can and trust (hope?) that God is really what he claims.

I think I’ve become firmly entrenched in my wariness/general dislike for organized religion. Hmm. Who woulda thought I’d end up here? The happy Bible worker? (Puh-leeze!)

So! Back to meditation. Um, I don’t know. It’s like when I went back to eating meat. I’m half afraid that I’m wrong and I’ll get zapped or thrown into Hades or possessed by demons or something. On the other hand... really?! I read a study earlier today about how regular meditation has been objectively and consistently proven to markedly decrease anxiety, depression, stress, and perfectionism. (The answer that leaps to mind is that the devil is oppressing people with these problems and then when they do what he wants--meditation-- he relieves the affliction to hook them. Right? Right? Do I get a gold star?) Data. Hard data. What am I supposed to do with that? And those are the very things that I’m trying to learn to cope with.

The other day on a walk, I was talking to God and asking him why it was that the very things that are hallmarks of Christianity are the things that I’m finding great freedom and joy in bucking? Relinquishing control/surrendering my life. Well, actually, now that I’m taking control of my own life, my mental and emotional distress have eased considerably. (Yeah, it almost seems like my spontaneous depression has abated entirely! Coincidence??) Constantly striving for perfection of character. You know, accepting myself as I am, accepting that I am good enough, flaws and all... that’s really been a huge doorway for me. Hard, but huge. And contrary to what I’d been fed. Today, I was able to tell myself that I loved me, and that I was going to take care of me to the best of my ability. You never would have heard those words from me when I was going to church. Self-denial. Hmm. I feel giddy even saying this, but deciding to put myself first and take care of myself first and do what I need to do for me to be okay in whatever situation I’m in... has been so... I dunno. Healthy. Joyful. Balancing. Freeing. Empowering. I will be damned before I go back to the way I was living at SOULS.

I dunno. It’s just so hard for me to reconcile all this with what I’ve been taught. I mean, what do you do when your experience flies in the face of your church’s teachings? Of course, that would automatically mean that you’re wrong, I suppose, but... I just can’t accept that.

So anyway (not to digress at all), all those little things that I was doing during my weeks of bliss are good, healthy behaviors that I need to practice and replace my old ways with.

Easier said than done. :)

Roommate S and I went job-hunting today.

I've had this strange change of heart lately, and I'm not sure whether it's because I've been praying or not, but...

I feel more prepared to take this step, less overwhelmed. Like, up to the challenge, or something.

If there's one thing that I thank D for, it's for helping me to view challenges as a good thing, as something to be embraced. He didn't do that intentionally, I don't think, but in his reservations and hesitations I found a challenge, an opportunity to prove myself to be something better than that which was thought of me. You think I can't tramp through the forests and eat fish? Well, watch this! You think I can't hike? Watch me!


And I feel like that now. The difference is that it's a challenge to myself. I've been paralyzed by my fear for so long, telling myself that I can't do it, that I'm doomed to failure (and proving myself right), yet now I'm feeling somehow stronger. Like I want to try, at least try.

I do have concerns, hesitations... but not the paralyzing fear.

For one, I'm concerned that I won't be able to physically handle it. I know how sensitive my body is to stress, and though I don't typically like to admit it, I am physically compromised by my thyroid and adrenal problems. I simply cannot run full throttle for as long as others can, except by sheer effort of the will, and it takes more out of me than it does for others. This is a handicap, to be true, and it's something I need to be aware of... but I don't want to make it my excuse, you know?

The affirmation I drew out of the Magic Box this Weds said this: "Sometimes it's the things you can't do that bring out the brilliance in what you can!"

Think about it. Who are the people we admire most? Those who persevere against incredible odds. I can be a legend, in my own right ;)

I'm also concerned that I won't get to see C hardly at all once I start work and school and all that. The only reason I get to see him now is because I stay up late, but once I'm working, that'll have to stop. We'll end up like ships in the night, I'm afraid...

And, worst of all, I'm afraid that I'll be amazing and this'll work great, and then I'll be left to silently curse myself for waiting so long to move forward... and then I'll have to be a grownup. Where's the fun in that? I mean, providing for yourself is so overrated... (If only my sarcasm could be transmitted electronically.)

This is it, guys. I'm afraid of a prosperous, fulfilling life. I've been eking out an existence for so long, I'm scared of doing anything else. As ambitious as my heart is, the fear of failure is always greater and more compelling. I'm afraid to be happy, to be satisfied and content with where I am and where life, and God, have brought me.

I want to be the one that did something hard, something difficult, something challenging... not so that I can show it to others and be like, "See? I did it. You should be able to, too. What's wrong with you that you can't? If you really wanted to, you could." No, I want to do something challenging so that I can say to myself, "See? You really can do so much more than you believe. You're amazing. You're capable. And you don't have to be afraid."

Ended up in Psalm 34 this morning for worship.

As I was reading, the same crushing disappointment that I feel whenever I compare the formerly glowing promises with the bitter tarnish of my reality swept over me.

Broken promises.

Listen:
"This poor man cried, and the LORD heard, and saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encampeth around them that fear him, and delivereth them.

O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

He keepeth all his bones: not one of them is broken.

The LORD redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."

Was I not righteous enough to deserve deliverance? I cried, and I was still stuck in my hell-hole. My bones were broken, literally and figuratively. I have been desolate, even while I was trying my utmost to trust in God.


So I started talking to God.

You see?! This is exactly what I mean! I read these promises, and it just re-emphasizes to me that I can't trust you, because they're all broken. I knew I was right when I said that you'd promised to protect us. And still you didn't. Broken promises... I feel lied to.


And I read them again, maybe just to enjoy the feeling of salt in my wound.

However, I noticed something this time through.

"This poor man cried, and the LORD heard, and saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encampeth around them that fear him, and delivereth them.

O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

He keepeth all his bones: not one of them is broken.

The LORD redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."

It doesn't say "from", as in "God will save me from pain, he will prevent it from happening." No, it says the LORD delivers people out of the troubles that they're in. You have to be in something to be taken out of it.

So, okay. That transforms my understanding of the situation a little bit. But I still don't get the "keeping my bones from being broken" part, because, honestly, that sounds like a preventative measure to me, one that wasn't taken.

But I sincerely hope (and now I have a little more of a measure of trust) that the final promise in the Psalm is solid and sincere:

"The LORD redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate."

"I’m looking around here for some kind of miracle,
I’m looking around here for some kind of sign.
I gotta believe there’s a rhyme and a reason
For the faith that you find.

I gotta admit that there’s something I see in you--
I know that it’s something deep inside.
But nevertheless, still I can’t help but wonder,
Would you really even care if I ever said goodbye?
Well, goodbye now.

Well, you’ve got love and I’ve got time,
Won’t you make a move before I change my mind?
And I want to believe it’s true--
I’m listening close.
Won’t you make your move now?

I know that there’s more to life than I’ve ever known.
I feel it down deep inside my heart.
And I am here now to find what you’re believing,
And to know who you are.

And if you care to share a minute of your time with me,
Tell me now because I am hoping that I can believe.
Give me a reason to trust what you’re telling me.
Lord knows I need it now, won’t you show me how?

Well, you’ve got love and I’ve got time,
Won’t you make a move before I change my mind now?
Well, I want to believe it’s true--
I’m listening close.
Won’t you make your move?

I’m looking around here for some kind of miracle,
I’m looking around here for some kind of sign.
I gotta believe there’s a rhyme and a reason
For the faith that you find.

Well, you’ve got love and I’ve got time,
Won’t you make a move before I change my mind now?
And I’ll give you a chance to say
Everything you want before I walk away.
Well, I want to believe it’s true--
I’m listening close.
Won’t you make your move?"

I went to church tonight with a friend. (No, I haven't completely given myself over to papal heathenism... I waited until Sunday night to go to church lol)

It was the kind of church that would shock the sensibilities of my good, solid, conservative friends. You know... driving bass, an awesome drummer, praise singers, a 7/11 song and speakers so loud you can't hear yourself sing along... Makeup. Spaghetti straps. No straps at all. Jewelry. Shorts and flip-flops. Hands lifted high. Claiming things in the name of Jesus and declaring truth all over us. People swaying and clapping.

It was... different.

It was also good.

Nobody there looked at you askance for keeping your arms firmly wrapped around your midsection, or for raising your hands high and sobbing the name of Jesus over and over again.

No one there cared what you were wearing or how much of it.

They just came together to worship God in the best way they knew how, because they love Jesus. Do you know how refreshing that is?

I still left empty-- I wasn't magically filled by God's presence, as I had been secretly hoping in a way. However, I have the peaceful assurance that my questions will receive answers... in due time. God's not offended by my questions, my anger, my issues that I'm trying to work through...

...and I really want this thing with God to work. But I can't make it work. Let me re-phrase that, with italics for emphasis.

But I can't make it work.

I can't.

I've been trying for so long, because I really, really want this God thing to work, and now... and now?

Now I'm burnt out on religion. I'm burnt out on God, it seems.

I noticed that tonight.

I'm just a charred, blackened piece of toast. Burnt out. A dark light bulb. A shorted circuit.

So... if God is really who all these people say he is, if he's really like that... then I need to chill out and let him make it work. He's the god, not me, right? He's the powerful one. He's the all-knowing one. He's the one that is offering me salvation. He'll make it work, not me.

And I'm grateful for that. Because I am so. tired. of trying to make it work.

My mom and I had an interesting text message convo yesterday.

Yesterday was not my favorite day in the history of days I've had. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it was... draining.

First, went to worship with SOULS, since they're hitting doors here in town until Friday. Then rush off to first pre-m counseling with C and FB. Then, rush off to my first personal counseling session.

Then, head back to C's place to try to deal with the migraine-like headache I picked up at the last counseling session. I knew no one would be there, so I hopped the back fence and "broke in" to take advantage of the cool darkness until group a few hours later. I was NOT feeling group at all, but I knew that the girls needed it, so I went and did it anyway. Thankfully B was there, as well as M, the girl who will be taking over for me (I'm "training" her, whatever that means. I don't even know what I'm doing, E! I know you don't believe me when I say that, but...)

So, somewhere between the second counseling session and group that night, Mom and I were texting back and forth. It went like this...

Me: So i went and joined SOULS for their worship today. part of the way through i realized... i don't believe this anymore. i feel kinda lost... church (SDA, specifically) has been my identity for so long... not that i'm giving up. i'm still studying.


Mom: I remember dealing with my own disappointments and loss of identity... I had no problem leaving the church behind and going my own path... and making a bigger mess of my life than I knew how to handle. I'm so glad you're still studying... God allowed me to royally mess things up-- and He would let you, too, but it would have been better for us if I hadn't quit on Him.


Oh, I'm not giving up on god. i still totally believe he exists. it's just... who is he? how does he operate? why did he do or not do certain things in relation to my past? etc. i just have a really hard time reconciling the abuse with a loving, interested god.


Because He is all-powerful, we think He should spare us from pain. After all, it's what most of us would do for our children. But He can't allow all evil to be stopped, or else we can't say with all certainty that Satan is wrong when he says he could do the job better. He has to allow us to see that Satan makes us suffer, and we have to be able to choose God not because He makes life easier, but because He gives us the hope of better things to come. 
(An excellent point, by the way... now that I think about it.)

That's kind of the problem i'm having... i know all about the great controversy, and at first it seems like a wonderful way to explain away bad stuff. but then i just don't know how i can trust someone who may throw me under the cosmic bus for the greater good at any given moment.


But it's not just for the greater good... it's for YOUR greater good. And he doesn't throw you under a bus or "zap" you... Satan does that. God doesn't do bad things. Satan does. God may allow Satan to do his bad things, and in the old testament, God took a very hardline position against certain peoples, but their history shows they were intent on so much evil and had set their ways so hard against God that He was left with no choice but to eradicate them to save innocent others.


So we could take it a step further and ask, why did Jesus raise to life only his friend Lazarus, a girl, and the young man from Nain? There were tons of other people who died during his ministry. Why only them? Why not everyone else who believed in him but died?


Yes. precisely. i think what i'm going through is it's not so much that i can't wrap my head around it, but i can't wrap my heart around it, if that makes sense.


A phone call ensued, and then, much later....

Look at where you were tonight.... The Healing Journey. You have been the "face" of it, on the news. Your story has been seen by thousands. You have made others aware of the fact that abuse of children, hidden and secret, does exist. I always believed you were meant for greatness. At first, when you joined Souls, that maybe that was it-- your greatness. But now I'm wondering if your greatness isn't helping others to find the path of healing like you are doing. Trailblazing isn't easy-- you get cut up by thorns and bit by snakes. But others who wouldn't have the courage to take that trail can follow your path. Something to think about.


Thank you, Mom. I love you.


:) I love you too.


I suppose you could boil it down to something simple... I don't have hair-splitting theological issues to chew on, but one that was summed up nicely by Epicurus. I think it's a really relevant question, one that anyone who claims to be a believer must wrestle with and come to a conclusion that satisfies them.

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”

Epicurus – Greek philosopher, BC 341-270

I'm angry with God right now. Angry with God? Angry at God? Is there a distinction at all?

Anyway, I'm just... angry... profoundly hurt, I suppose... disappointed... disillusioned... untrusting...

It's like, how can you promise that you're going to be my strength and my shield when... stuff like this happens?

I came across John 16:33 yesterday, which says, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (The context of that is Jesus telling his disciples what's about to go down (sorta) so they won't be totally shocked.) So... I guess I can't say you didn't warn us...

So what does going with God really mean? Does it mean that God will protect me from, say, being raped? Apparently not. I hear people talking about God being with you through bad stuff, and healing you afterwards... like, helping you pick up the pieces...

... but really? Isn't there something more than just damage control?

I guess I'm just feeling like, if I can figure God out, then everything will fall into place, yeah?

Probably not.

God, I'm sorry I don't trust you. I just... can't... right now. I'd like to. I want to work towards that.

But it's not like turning on a light switch.

I can't believe this has been here the whole time... I got so good at pushing it away...

...it almost feels heretical to be allowing myself to ask these questions, you know?

... to allow myself to walk away until I'm certain that this is my choice and this is where I choose to be... for me.

Mom says you're not threatened by this. I sure hope not.

I wish I could repaint my soul and mind like I'm repainting the furniture...

But really, God? Is there nothing more than damage control? Is that all you have to offer me?

I need someone who will protect me, not just bring the band-aids.

I suppose I'm supposed to "look forward", to think about that "something better" (heaven? second coming?), and just... endure the pain. Right? Endure, because there's something better?

But I have to live in the enduring. And this enduring is messing me up and, in turn, hurting other people. What am I supposed to do, endure better?

I dunno.

I dunno, God. I really don't.

Just... yeah.

I'm sorry. Sorry about everything.

The kitten, Petra, slept with me for the majority of the night. It was a restless sleep for me, because I was worried about crushing her (she's so tiny!), but it was really sweet, because she cuddled right up to my side and stayed there. She started off in the curve of my neck, but I guess my stomach was the place for her!

This morning when I was showing her to Gramma again after her feeding, she burrowed into my shirt and splayed herself across my lower back. I've noticed she likes to be under things, next to warmth or, preferably, next to a person.

I did some research and ordered two books last night-- "Is The Bible True?" and "How To Read The Bible For All Its Worth". I hope that they help give me clarity and perspective in the midst of my confusion.

I did discover an alternate translation/paraphrase that my grandparents have stashed in a drawer, so I think I'll be using that for my quiet times for a while. Maybe it will help me get more out of it.

Today didn't start off so auspiciously.

First, I took issue with God over something I read during my daily quiet time. It just brought up a lot of questions... not to mention the questions I had over something I read last night in the Desire of Ages.

Then, I forgot to brush my teeth... for the second day in a row. I headed off to church and realized when I got there that I had forgotten my Bible! (That was about the time I realized I forgot to brush my teeth, too.)

It was a lovely Resurrection celebration service, with lots of singing. I appreciated that part. But I left frustrated, as I found myself simply having more questions about the character of God and Jesus. The very things meant to soothe and inspire instead leave me wondering and detached.

Like, for instance, "God sent his son to die for each person. Every person. Isn't that wonderful? How many of you would be willing to sacrifice the life of your child for someone else?"

And I immediately think, a.) If I weren't aware of the fact that Jesus is basically an extension of God, then I would deduce that we weren't worth coming down here for himself-- he sent someone else because he didn't want to/couldn't do it himself. b.) I know it's supposed to increase my appreciation of the value of the gift by understanding that it is given to every single person ever, but it seems to me that it is cheapened. Maybe that's one of the paradoxes.


I finished The Case for a Creator this afternoon. In the Summary section, he tells a story of this young medical doctor and his wife who are skeptics, but finally decide to look into this God thing and disprove it once and for all.

This segment really got me, because it echoes exactly the questions that I've been finding within myself.

"Based on evidence and reasoning independent of the Bible, they were able to answer the first of the three questions that formed the basis of their investigation: 'Is there a God who created the universe?' They surprised themselves with their verdict: yes, a personal Creator-God does exist.

With this established, they began exploring their next two broad questions: 'Did God reveal himself to humankind through the Bible or other sacred scriptures? And is Jesus the Son of God--deity united with humanity--and can he help us as he claimed?'"

(By the way, spoiler: they do come to believe in the Bible and in Jesus. At the time of interviewing, the doctor is into his 70's, and has spent the last several decades in Bangladesh spreading medical help and the gospel.)

I am to the point where I can in no way deny the existence of a Creator-God. I am becoming less and less interested in organized religion, although I can see how that one has been developing over the past several years. I really just want this:

"You'll soon find that the universe is governed by both physical laws and spiritual laws. The physical laws point us toward the Creator; the spiritual laws tell us how we can know him personally, both today and forever.
After all, he's not just the Creator in a broad sense; he's your creator. You were made to relate to him in a  vibrant, dynamic, and intimate way. And if you seek him wholeheartedly, he promises to provide all the clues you need to find him." (emphasis mine)

I mean, is Christianity really supposed to be this hard? This confusing? This much like a field riddled with land mines?

Is it just that I have such a hard time trusting?

Is it a combination of the inherent difficulty of Christianity and the scar tissue that's gnarled and twisted my heart and mind?

Because I have heard over and over again how becoming a follower of Christ changes your life, and makes you a better person, and your character is transformed, etc. etc.

Why do I seem to be getting worse the longer I follow him? It's not for lack of trying!

This reminds me of the whole natural remedies thing. I can see that it's good, and it's the right way to go, but I seem to just be pretty immune. It doesn't work like they say it should, like it's supposed to, and I wonder, Is it me? Or is the "remedy"?


God, help me. I'm just so... mush brained. Confused. Questioning. Seeking.

I want to know truth. Real truth. And I want to have that vibrant, dynamic, intimate knowledge of and relationship with you.

Help me, please. I just want... the real thing.

Dear God,

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I am so lost in this vortex of my own thoughts, Biblical mandates, other’s opinions and hopes and dreams that they’ve projected onto me, my conflicting ideas of who you are, ideas of “right” and “wrong”, and... just so much stuff.

Right and wrong. Is it really so black and white, so crystal clear? Some think so. I used to think so. Now, I’m more towards “there are standards that guide our lives, but not explicit directions for every case, and you have to apply the standards as best you can”.

Am I really just a poor excuse for a Christian? Even in my heyday, I don’t feel like we truly had intimacy. Why do I have so many questions? Reserves? So much rebellion? Why can’t I just do the right thing and forget about everything else? Why do I get so angry with my perception of what you ask Christians as a general whole to do?

I refuse to lose my identity, my wants and dreams and wishes and desires, my likes and dislikes. I will not forsake my identity. I’m so confused, though, over... well, a lot of things. I’ve been taught to behave and believe one way, but the only part of me that really believes it’s the way to go is the part motivated by fear of rejection and fear of punishment.

I believe that I must do the right thing, or you will punish me. You will withhold affection. I won’t be eligible for heaven anymore. One misstep and the eternal consequences kick in. You will ignore me, abandon me, cease to care about me--if, indeed, you cared in the first place (which I have a very difficult time believing).

And I hate being this way, and I can say that I don’t believe it, it’s not true, I believe the opposite, but... to me... it IS true. And something inside me rebels at my compulsion to serve and allegedly love such a person. It’s like I have no choice, because if I choose not to, then the aforementioned horrible things will only be intensified... so I have to. I have to love you and serve you, and while I’m doing that, I have to do it right. Or else.

And so that leads me to this awful love-resent dichotomy. Because I try to love you. I want to. I want to want to, if that makes sense. But I know that I don’t truly love you in the real sense of the word (or any sense?!). And I’m getting to the point where I just want to throw up my hands, throw in the towel, and walk away. After all, I can’t seem to please you when I’m trying, so why try anymore?

Intellectually, I know it’s not true. I know it. I mean, I need to believe it. Not I need to as in “I should”, but I need to as in “I don’t know how I’d handle reality without the knowledge, however faint, that there’s a benevolent deity looking out for me somehow”.

I really hope counseling helps me clear some of this stuff up.

I know you exist. I can’t deny that. The science is too clear. But who are you? What are you REALLY like? If he just believes in your existence, that’s the step I’m looking for. Because that’s where I am. I don’t see us being unequally yoked, because I’m nowhere spiritually. The thing missing is a belief in your existence. Maybe we can learn together? One thing’s for sure... I love him in a way that I can’t seem to love you. That scares me. I’ve heard the dire warnings against idolatry... but in our situation, I think I’m screwed, because even my love for food is more of a tangible reality than my love for you.

What are people seeing when they say they’ve seen me walking closer to you these past few years? When they say they see Jesus in me? I think they’re just seeing a good person, really. I am a good person. A strong person. Is that a bad thing? It sounds like it, according to some Christians, some apparently Biblical teachings. I can’t be good, and I can’t be strong, because you’re supposed to be all that. So what do I do with the reality that I am both?

If you really are capable of reaching down and helping searching people, then help me! It says in the Bible that I will find you if I search for you. 

I can’t believe I made it all the way through Bible college. Unreal. And how miserable I was during that time... trapped. Trapped in a cage of appearances, of “rightness”, of looking and doing and being right for fear of being wrong. (Don't get me wrong- there were happy times, too. Just like there were in the abusive, dysfunctional home I grew up in.)

I am paralyzed by the thought of doing the wrong thing. It is to the point where I’m afraid to do what I think is right, because I’m afraid that it’s really the wrong thing and I’ve been tricked into thinking it’s right! And so I do the “right” thing, because it’s right, and because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t. In addition, if I want it, it must be wrong. 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

How do I know if you care about me? Besides the Bible. Jury’s still out in its veracity and applicability in my mind, until I can study it. But if you are the all powerful God who created the universe to be just-so, I know that you can show me, somehow, if you care about me. Some way that I will recognize.

I’ve heard it said that it’s harder to be lost than it is to be saved. I certainly hope that’s so. I want to be saved, but it’s so hard... how can anything be harder?

So the farther I go along this journey of faith, the more questions I find myself having. Used to be (and usually), I'll find some superficial answer that satisfies me and move on. Quite frankly, I'm not one of those deep studiers. I like to know a little about a lot, but I'm getting to the point where I'm desirous of knowing a lot about a little.

And, lately, these questions are taking me back to square one, essentially, which is somewhere I never really started. I became a Christian coming from a background of always having believed in God, at least peripherally, and having been taught certain ideas ("truths") about God and about life and about what's going to happen in the future and about how people should be. So I never questioned, really, and just sort of swept any questions I had under the cognitive rug.

Now, however, it's not so easy... especially finding my faith challenged by atheist and pagan friends. It's like, do I believe what I believe out of circumstance, or because it is the most logical conclusion? Do I believe what I believe out of ignorance and blind trust, or because I've made a rational, intelligent commitment to something I believe is real?

A little of both, I think. But I'd like to be more secure in my logical reasons for believing in God, and for believing in the Bible, and even for being an SDA.

I've been reading this book lately, Case for a Creator, and although I'm only halfway through, I know that there's no way I can ever not believe in God's existence anymore. Theism is the only reasonable scientific theory as far as the creation of the universe goes. Natural selection, Darwinism, random undirected process... I don't have enough faith to be an atheist, quite frankly.

A month ago, I told God that I was forgetting everything I'd been told about who he is, and the assumptions I've made about who he is, and I just wanted Him to show me who he is.

That's the encapsulation of my first question. I have no doubts as to God's existence anymore, but now I need to know... what kind of a God are we dealing with here? I think the very universe he created can speak on some of his characteristics: incredibly smart, foresight, intentional, attention to detail, consistent, creative, artistic, enjoys giving gifts to others.... that's all I can think of off the top of my head.

And I'm almost sure, by looking at how finely tuned and incredibly set up Earth is for discovering the rest of the universe, that he is not the god that deism portrays- starting the process of life and essentially walking away to let it take its course. No, God went to a lot of trouble to make sure that we are in a privileged position in the universe, and I can't imagine that he'd simply walk away and leave us alone after he so carefully set us up. I mean, theoretically, it's a possibility, but the evidence points elsewhere. No, I don't see deism as a viable option at this point.

So the first question is, "Who is this God?"

The second question would be, "How does he communicate with us?" I know I'm supposed to be able to find out a whole bunch of stuff from the Bible, but I first need to determine whether the Bible is trustworthy. Is it really a compilation of messages from this God to us? If so, then I can use it to answer further questions. But I don't dare use it to answer the following questions if its veracity has not been established in my mind. (Not that I've stopped reading the Bible--I know, I know... I'm in a strange place! But I need to know for myself that I can trust it, rather than just assuming I can, or resting on the fact that other people have determined its trustworthiness.) Fortuitously, a friend randomly gave me a whole set of cd's last week at church, and one series in there is called "The Picture of God in all 66", and it apparently deals with the veracity and trustworthiness of the Bible! It even touches on why there are so many apparent contradictions (which, to the best of my knowledge, is simply a matter of the translation to English). I'm hoping to come across some resources that can explain whether or not the Bible is consistent with history-- I know that I can trust Daniel 2 at the very least!

Once I establish whether or not the Bible can be used to answer my other questions, things should speed up a little.

Other questions I have may not be answered so easily, though... but they're pretty critical to me, and have been bothering me for some time.

Question three: How am I really supposed to relate to God in terms of "my strength" vs. "his strength"? I hear a lot about how "in myself, I can do nothing" and "it's all God" and so forth. Well, in my experience, that's a big fat lie. I do too have strength, and I am a strong person. Does God know what I have survived? Granted, I didn't come out the other side with healthy coping mechanisms, but I did survive. I have my weak days, but I also have a deep reservoir of strength, and my basic thought is that if God is trying to get me to give up that strength that has helped me to survive, this strength that is growing as I walk along the healing journey, then this is not the kind of God I want to have any part of. If I'm supposed to revoke my ability to handle anything, I think these Christians are barking up the wrong tree.

I don't understand the whole "rest in Me" and "tap into My strength" thing. I don't. I know that I have strength of my own, and I know that there's a limit to that, but I'm not going to deny its existence for the sake of religion. I know that God has a strength that far surpasses mine- without a limit, apparently- (I can see that just from the organization of the universe) but I don't know how to access it.

Question four: Am I really supposed to lose my identity and become this pre-designed Christian? Because anyone who even slightly knows me will know that I immediately and intensely recoil from that idea. Seriously. When I meet people that are "following the blueprint" and "heeding the counsel"... they look the same. They eat the same (weird) way. They're just... blah. Not something that I'm interested in. Where's the spark of life? Where's the enjoyment? Life was meant to be enjoyed! Yeah, it's seasoned with hard times and down days, but to live this life of sad, somber strictness is... for what? I don't know. (By the way, there are a few exceptions to that rule that I can think of... but they're few and far between.)

Like, the whole, "deny yourself" and all that. Is wanting something bad? Is pursuing something that I want bad? Oh, right. Not when I both want it and it is in line with God's will. I'm sorry for being a little sarcastic, but I've been through this "anything you want or like is automatically wrong and you don't get it because God wants to teach you to deny yourself" idea before, and I'm not going back!

The fifth question gets even more theological, and it is this: If Jesus supposedly did not have any advantage over us, and he was perfect, then why can't I be perfect too? Not that I want anyone or God to expect or demand perfection from me, but seriously- why can't I be perfect? I want the freedom of imperfection with the hope of perfection. The best of both worlds, right? ;)

And, eventually, I need to get around to dealing with this SOP issue. I still can't stand her. It really, really bothers me when people quote, or refer to "the divinely inspired writings of" or "the pen of inspiration" or whatever. I don't know why. But it just... bugs me. Something deep inside me is uncomfortable and squirms around and says, "Get me outta here!" (How did I ever make it through SOULS with an SOP aversion?!) I find myself rolling my eyes a lot, whether inwardly or outwardly. Only if no one's looking.

I suppose that many of my questions stem from my background, and the particular issues that I face. But I really, really want to search out my own answers for these, and be convinced one way or another.

Bottom line right now? I believe in God. I'm reasonably sure about the Bible. I know God's been involved in my life at least a few times, so I'm almost certain he's at least somewhat of an interpersonal God.

I still have a lot of questions, and, honestly... I don't think that's a bad thing.

God, I just so don't know what to do or which way to turn.

Yes, okay. I'm moving out in January. But where am I going?

Do I stay in the area? March, for sure, is the cut-off date for my leaving the area. I'm going to massage college.

But why not in January?

Because of the Healing Journey, that's why. And I want to spend my birthday with my friends, that's why. Because I'm probably not moving back here once I leave, that's why.

And the Indiana idea sounds good, but the only school close by is super new-agey! Exactly what I'm trying to avoid!

The Colorado school still intrigues me, but I'm worried by their lack of flexibility when it comes to my comfort level in massaging guys, and Sabbath.

I still need to call the school in Portland.

Hmm.

I'm way more interested in the schools in Portland/Salem and Denver than the one in Warsaw. The ONLY attraction I have in the Indiana direction is that it's within a day's drive of my family... eh, that is, my biological family. :)

God, which way do I turn? What is the right way? What is the path I am to walk? Which is the right school for me?

You have promised to guide me with your eye. You said that if I lean on you and not my own understanding, my paths will be made straight. That's great-- I have no understanding right now! lol

So... what do I do? Which way do I turn? What to do? What to do?

And what's the stinkin' point of starting the Healing Journey if I'm just taking off to school in January, anyway?!

I so thought I was doing the right thing. Ugh.

But, on a brighter note... thank you for this confusion that drives me to you. If I knew everything precisely when I think I'd like to know it, I can say that I would certainly feel no need for your superior wisdom :) And... thank you for fried green tomatoes. They make my taste buds happy, even if they're not the best for me.

This last week, we had an amazing camp pastor, Pastor D. She was incredible. Her messages were simple, powerful, spoken in love, and so applicable. I didn't get to hear many of them, because I was in the kitchen most of the time, but what I did hear was amazing... and exactly what I needed. It was encouragement, straight from the throne of God :)

So I wrote her a letter, thanking her for her ministry, and telling her that. She responded by finding me for a great, deep conversation on Sunday morning, which she followed up with by writing the "bullet points" of the conversation in a letter to me so I would remember. (Part of why the conversation was so powerful is that she and her daughter have been through the pain of sexual abuse as well.) Here's the letter:

"Dear C,
   I am so glad God enabled us to have such a wonderful conversation. These are the highlights of our conversation that you asked me to write in a letter:


1) God loves you exceedingly, greatly, and abundantly more than you can ever ask or imagine. He will reveal this in your life as he did in mine through your trust in Him. He showed me His love directly one evening as I watched my 10 year old daughter sleeping and thought:
"L, will you blame me for what has happened to you? I don't know if you can understand this now, but I couldn't have stopped it from happening. But I spared myself nothing from being with you and sharing your pain. I am all scarred as a result- that is how much I love you."


 I went to bed shortly afterwards, and as I placed my head on the pillow with my heart throbbing in pain, I heard God speaking to me:
"D, will you blame me for what has happened to you? I don't know if you can understand this now, but I couldn't have stopped it from happening. But I spared myself nothing from being with you and sharing your pain. I am all scarred as a result- that is how much I love you!"


I never knew how much I was loved by anyone until that moment.


2) God did not will the evil of abuse on you, but He did will for you to pass through it- in other words- to hang on your own cross next to Him as you suffered through the evil that is done in this world at the prompting of the great deceiver himself. The evil one desires to separate you from God forever and neutralize your power as a force for God's kingdom through your anger and distrust of God as a result of your abuse.


  But your faith in God even through your suffering (see Ps. 22:24-28) makes your life a powerful witness for the kingdom of God. In your brokenness the light of God's love will blaze through and people will be drawn to the light of His love shining through your life.


3) You are an amazingly beautiful woman- body, mind, and soul. Abuse is so devastating because it causes us to doubt our beauty and our worth. God will use all of your experiences (both good and bad) to mold you and shape you into the lovely, unique woman He designed you to be. You were in His thoughts before the creation of this world and He conceived your life in love and will hold you and keep you in His love-- both now and forever.


4) God has a special person prepared to share this life with you--a person who will love you and cherish you. I am praying for you and for the one God has prepared for you.


5) You have a very special purpose and ministry--especially through music. People will be drawn by the power and spirit of your voice and music--especially children. I am excited for the purpose and plans God has for you. You will not understand the full impact of your ministry in this life. Together we will understand it in eternity when God wipes all the tears from our eyes and we can see clearly and completely.


I hope that you are able to rest this next week and continue to find healing--body, mind, and soul-- in the arms of God.


Much love,
D W"

Pretty amazing, huh?

The conversation that we had, and the following letter, brought to my attention the fact that I am resistant to my own importance. Does that make sense?

It is so, so, so difficult for me to believe that God has prepared anything for me above mediocrity. Me? A warrior? You've got the wrong person. A powerful ministry? I think you are mistaken.

The conversation dusted off a wall around my heart that I had been hiding. I've felt it there before, but I think that the walls preceding it have been torn down enough to where I really feel this one now.

I know that God loves me. I know that I can trust him. But... I just don't know how I can believe that God actually enjoys me. Like His love is an obligation, he's duty bound to love me, but he doesn't really like me. And having great plans for me? Why would he do that if he doesn't even like me? No, more likely he'd put me on a back shelf somewhere, part of his collection, but not a very important part.

That's the wall. The wall that is resistant to... to what? How do I even describe this? But it holds me back. It chains me down. It's this wall that confines me within the wastelands of uncertainty and doubt of my own worth, of other's estimations of me, of my ability to participate within a relationship without driving the other person away... What do I call this thing? How do I describe it?

Yet it binds my every move, inhibiting my heart... and I do not know how to be free of it.
Indeed, I do not know if I want to be free, because even a wasteland is comforting if you've lived there long enough.