Discouraged

I cried on the way to work today. I guess I just felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the pain that just isn't being beaten back by pain meds that are, truthfully, quite strong. Overwhelmed by the magnitude, the incessant waves that course through me without pausing long enough for me to breathe. Overwhelmed by the throbbing of my legs, the sharp aching of my hips, back, shoulders, spine, and rib cage, and the new voice in the cacophony... my hands. Yes, even my hands have started to throb and cramp now.

I think that's what brought me to tears, really... just another sign of the progression of my illness. Is it really fibromyalgia that's doing this to me? Why can't I get better? Why can't I plateau? Why do I just keep getting worse?! I am tired, so tired of being in pain. I am so tired of being sick every minute of every day. How do I make this stop? How do I get this nightmare train to screech to a halt, or at least slow down so I can tuck and roll down some embankment friendlier than this?

Apathy. It's all around me, all inside me. I'm wrapped up like a pig in a blanket, like a kid with a cold, only this is not a blanket that brings comfort. It gets up inside my nose and my lungs and my brain and just smothers me, weighs me down, until I don't think that there's any point to anything anymore, really.

No, no... I'm not in the black pit. I haven't gone there yet. I'm just worn down to a nub. Sandpapered away to the barest suggestion of someone who cares.

I have found a purpose for my life, and this is the life that I am building with my husband, and the agency that I am building with my friend and boss. Those two things keep me going, even though about all I can do right now is float with the current like a dead fish. But hey, at least I'm going, right?

You know, I really don't want it all. I don't.

I just don't want to hurt anymore.

(I listened to this song on repeat on the way to and from work a few times today. It felt... apt.)

I feel ashamed,
With abandon in my heart and on my face...
I've suffered the blame,
I would show to you this way but I'm too late...

When the sorrow it breaks them,
I will replace them
For you.

Dead flowers for the torn apart.
Laid at the grave to heal a broken heart.
Let it rain until it floods
Let the sun breathe life once more...
Reborn.

I wish you the same...
To walk beside and carry on this flame.
To see you again
With a radiance of pure and holiness.

When the sorrow it breaks them,
I will replace them
For you.

Dead flowers for the torn apart.
Laid at the grave to heal a broken heart.
Let it rain until it floods
Let the sun breathe life once more...
Reborn.

Dead flowers for the torn apart.
Laid at the grave to heal a broken heart.
Let it rain until it floods
Let the sun breathe life once more...
Reborn.

Dead flowers for the torn apart...
Dead flowers for the torn apart...
Dead flowers for the torn apart...
Dead flowers for the torn apart.

Let it rain until it floods
Let the sun breathe life once more...
Reborn.

Dead Flowers for the torn apart...
Dead Flowers for the torn apart...
Dead Flowers for the torn apart...
Dead Flowers for the torn apart...
Dead Flowers for the torn apart...
Dead Flowers for the torn apart.