It's been a busy few days. I've been working quite a lot (for me, anyway). Wednesday was regular work, but I was flaring very badly due to medication changes, and I was thoroughly exhausted by the time I got home. On Thursday, I attended a training on working with domestic violence and childhood sexual assault survivors, particularly pregnant and postpartum survivors. It was really good, and actually led to some epiphanies for my own self, but I'll wait until I have a copy of the presentation to go over those, so that I can make sure that I actually get the specifics down. My brain fog has been so bad lately, I end up stumbling around in vagaries when I try to tell C about my day.
Thursday evening was the Homicide Remembrance Vigil, and I worked the welcome table for that. I've experienced many kinds of loss in my life, but never the loss of a loved one due to homicide. Judging by the talks I heard and the faces of the participants, I can only imagine that it is excruciating.
Yesterday, I met with one of the victim advocates/therapists for the Marine base here in town, as I'll be speaking to a gathering of the commanding officers next month to kick of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The meeting was good, but I had to work on my talk and come up with the pictures I was going to use so that I could email them to her ASAP, so I did that in the evening. The combination of the past few days of training and vigils and exploring my own story again triggered my PTSD, unsurprisingly. I didn't expect it, though, and it caught me off guard. I became increasingly distressed as the night wore on, but I was able to use some of the coping mechanisms that we teach the girls in group to maintain my grip on reality. That's not to say that I didn't do some crying and freaking out, because I mean, who am I trying to kid? But I didn't go into full scale meltdown, which is serious progress. I'm damn proud of myself.
Juneaux seems to sense when I'm in great distress, either physically or emotionally/mentally, and he acts accordingly. He followed me into the bedroom last night when I finally settled down to try to rest and cuddled right up next to me, purring loudly and pressing his warmth up against my side. It relaxed and comforted me enough that I was able to drift off to sleep several times, though I did wake up gasping in sheer panic and terror when C opened the bedroom door to come to bed. I could not stay asleep, though, even with the security of C's solid presence next to me, and I woke myself up several times by tossing, flailing, mumbling, crying out, and even once with singing! Finally I removed myself to the couch about 5 am so that C could rest undisturbed, as he is pulling a 12 hour shift tonight. Out on the couch, Juneaux curled up with me again, and I was able to sleep for a few hours uninterrupted by anything but crazy dreams.
So today I still feel in a funk of sorts, but I know what's going on, and I'm just going to go about my daily business and not freak out about freaking out. I mean, considering what I'm up against, this is a totally normal response. I tell other people that all the time, and I know the same applies to me. It is heartening to see how much progress I've made, too. I wish I could just never have to deal with the junky trauma ever again, but I know that's not how this process works. I'll always have to deal with my past in some ways or another... but I can certainly do it in healthy ways. Even if I do feel weirded out and on edge. By continuing on with my life, I deny G any power that he thought to exercise over me. I am bigger than him, I am stronger than anything he could ever do to me, and I have won. I may still feel funny, but I have won, and I think that's worth a lot.
Thursday evening was the Homicide Remembrance Vigil, and I worked the welcome table for that. I've experienced many kinds of loss in my life, but never the loss of a loved one due to homicide. Judging by the talks I heard and the faces of the participants, I can only imagine that it is excruciating.
Yesterday, I met with one of the victim advocates/therapists for the Marine base here in town, as I'll be speaking to a gathering of the commanding officers next month to kick of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The meeting was good, but I had to work on my talk and come up with the pictures I was going to use so that I could email them to her ASAP, so I did that in the evening. The combination of the past few days of training and vigils and exploring my own story again triggered my PTSD, unsurprisingly. I didn't expect it, though, and it caught me off guard. I became increasingly distressed as the night wore on, but I was able to use some of the coping mechanisms that we teach the girls in group to maintain my grip on reality. That's not to say that I didn't do some crying and freaking out, because I mean, who am I trying to kid? But I didn't go into full scale meltdown, which is serious progress. I'm damn proud of myself.
Juneaux seems to sense when I'm in great distress, either physically or emotionally/mentally, and he acts accordingly. He followed me into the bedroom last night when I finally settled down to try to rest and cuddled right up next to me, purring loudly and pressing his warmth up against my side. It relaxed and comforted me enough that I was able to drift off to sleep several times, though I did wake up gasping in sheer panic and terror when C opened the bedroom door to come to bed. I could not stay asleep, though, even with the security of C's solid presence next to me, and I woke myself up several times by tossing, flailing, mumbling, crying out, and even once with singing! Finally I removed myself to the couch about 5 am so that C could rest undisturbed, as he is pulling a 12 hour shift tonight. Out on the couch, Juneaux curled up with me again, and I was able to sleep for a few hours uninterrupted by anything but crazy dreams.
So today I still feel in a funk of sorts, but I know what's going on, and I'm just going to go about my daily business and not freak out about freaking out. I mean, considering what I'm up against, this is a totally normal response. I tell other people that all the time, and I know the same applies to me. It is heartening to see how much progress I've made, too. I wish I could just never have to deal with the junky trauma ever again, but I know that's not how this process works. I'll always have to deal with my past in some ways or another... but I can certainly do it in healthy ways. Even if I do feel weirded out and on edge. By continuing on with my life, I deny G any power that he thought to exercise over me. I am bigger than him, I am stronger than anything he could ever do to me, and I have won. I may still feel funny, but I have won, and I think that's worth a lot.
0 thoughts: