Better now

Don't worry, I'm better now.

C came home, and I spilled my guts to him. He sat on the couch with me, my legs across his lap, and rubbed my aching knees while I cried and blathered on about what was going on with me. He listened attentively, gave me wonderful long hugs and cuddles, and then sent me to the tub for a soak to ease some of my pain and help me unwind further. Oh, how can I forget the awesome words of affirmation he gave me as well? I'll get to that, though. It makes more sense in context.

While talking to C, I was able to kind of pinpoint some of the factors that brought me to the sad place I was in last night. First of all, I did some research yesterday morning on alternate names for soy and gluten hidden in foods. It was... discouraging. The list is incredibly long, especially for soy, and I've been unknowingly ingesting soy in some of the foods I had previously thought were safe. I'm not as concerned about the gluten, and the list is shorter for that one, but I am definitely sensitive to soy and want to stay away from it. I guess I was just frustrated by the thought of having to refine my diet even further, and this means that I am going to have to do more cooking. That thought is daunting, because I often am so tired and ill and in pain that cooking is difficult. Now I have to cook, because I can't just get stuff from the store. I mean, can't I catch a break?!

So there was that. And then I went to work, even though I really didn't feel like it. At the end of the work day, we stopped by the store to buy turkeys for the turkey boxes we're giving away to several families. The lifting of the turkeys in and out of the cart, the walking around, and the waiting at the register for 15-ish minutes while the clerk messed things up several times took a toll on me. By the time I got home I was aching fiercely. I had decided earlier that I would not be able to participate in the bar tending fund raiser that's coming up for the HJ which discouraged me some, because I feel like I'm always letting the agency down and it was just another indicator of how much things have changed for me, how much I can't do anymore. The trip to the store validated my decision, but that didn't encourage me any.

On the way home I stopped by the store to pick up my pain killer prescription, which I had to buy without insurance this time for slightly complex reasons. I had expected it to be forty, fifty dollars maybe, as it was several months ago when I had to do the same thing. Because I am taking a different sort of med, though, it came out to over one hundred dollars. All that for less than a month's worth of semi-functioning capability. If that wasn't depressing enough, that also means that my credit card is now maxed out. It's not like I've used it for frivolous things, but having to live off of it for a while last year, various medical expenses, groceries from time to time, and household items when we first bought the house have all added up. I pay on it regularly, but I don't have much in the way of disposable income so it doesn't make much of a dent. The sicker I get, the harder it gets to pay on it... and the more I end up having to use it. It's a vicious cycle.

I've always had difficulties relating with money, but not in the sense that I have a hard time managing it. I'm good with money, when I'm able to make it lol.  No, the difficulties I have are that I don't feel worth it being spent on me. The high price of my pain meds was a blow to me, because C will be the one that gives me the money to pay that off, and I question deeply whether I'm worth it or not. I don't feel that I am. I hate being in debt for any reason, and I'm in the largest non-tuition related debt I've ever been in. I feel like I'm failing at life (for so many reasons) and I'm just dragging C down with me.

I think the money thing, the high price and the maxed out credit card, was the deeply insecure straw that broke the neurotic camel's back. The blow to my already wavering self-worth and self-confidence was fierce, and then I came home to a messy house that I hadn't had the energy or  good enough health to clean in several days. I was hurting, discouraged, and found myself thinking, "What's the point? Why should I even keep trying? I can't seem to make this work. I'm failing at life, and I'm taking C down with me. Am I worth this effort?"

Well, C's love, listening, and words of affirmation really did a lot to boost my spirits. When I was exploring my feelings about money and self-worth, he told me, "You are worth more than money." He also laid out his financial plan for the next few months, which put my heart at rest some. We're going to be okay. I am not breaking him financially. We're going to get through this. It's going to be okay.

Most importantly of all, the look of pure, overwhelming love in his eyes as he stroked my face, held me close, and kissed me deeply buoyed me up like nothing else could have. Even after I had just spent the better part of half an hour rambling and crying and being sad all over him, he still had nothing but love and support for me. I knew I knew what I was doing when I married the guy. Sometimes all it takes is just for someone to listen, affirm, support, and accept to really turn things around. I went to bed happy and fell asleep quite quickly, which was a relief.

Tomorrow is his day off, and I'm looking forward to spending the day together. (Well, if I ever get back to bed. I spent most of yesterday and last night sleeping, but I woke up a few hours ago from pain so I've just been watching movies while waiting for it to die down enough to sleep again.)

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