I want out.

C stayed home from work today to keep me from killing myself.

I wish I were making that up.

It was unexpected... When I woke up from my nap, he was still at home. I thought something was wrong, but he just called in and said that he had something to take care of at home. (Hint: It's me.)

I've been getting progressively and increasingly overwhelmed with problems (other people's, mostly) and life (mine) and health (have none)... I had an emotional breakdown about a week ago, but I chalked that up to hormones and was over it. But stuff just keeps happening... seems like friends and family just can't keep their shit together, and their inability to make their lives work is affecting me.

There are a lot of feels and thought processes that go into all this, and a lot of details, and frankly I just don't have the emotional energy for that right now. "Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up..." (Princess Bride reference, btw.)

-Mom has spiraled down into a severe depression and is totally overwhelmed and basically breaking down.
-My brother is still the freeloading lazypants, from what I understand, and won't pitch in to help take some of the pressure off of mom.
-Youngest sister just freakin' disclosed about being molested, and the people around here that are supposed to be there as a support system are totally falling down on the job.
-E can't seem to go a week without a crisis of some sort.
-I'm still getting sicker and am less able to participate in daily life than I've ever been.
-I got an appt with the new neurologist (yippee!), but the only date available between now and April means that I had to cancel my plans to fly out and see J for Christmas... you know, like we've been planning for months.
-Group last night sucked, it totally wasn't my fault, and E unintentionally put me on blast in front of a crowded room of people. Ugh.

There has been much anger of late. So much anger. Anger at my mom for not holding it together. (You've got people depending on you. You can't just check out like that! I'm sorry. This is what being an adult is about. I know you're damaged, I know you're hurting, and I know what hell depression can be... but if I can suck it up and make life work despite depression and excruciating pain, then you sure as hell better find a way to do it and take care of my siblings, got it? Your decisions brought these people into the world, and your decisions put you in the place where you're at now, so do your job and deal with it.)

Anger at E for making everything so hard and dramatic. For being so scattered, unorganized, and emotional. There's times when it's fine, it doesn't bother me, that's just who she is and it's cool. But when I'm overloaded with my own stuff it becomes unbearably annoying. Anger at her not holding up her end of our discussion and purchasing the supplies for the activity we had planned for group, for completely destroying any group mood by having that potluck and insisting that we have group during it (wtf is that?!), and for not only ruining the activity and having an entire hour of empty space to deal with but then handing it off to me deal with without any heads up.

Anger at missing out on so much because I'm so fucking sick. Anger at having no wiggle room in my pill dosage at all, so if I'm having a day that I'm hurting worse than normal, "Oh well! Sucks for you!". Anger that I hurt so goddamn much that the pain killers don't even really help... even at doses that make physicians and pharmacists raise their eyebrows. Don't you think that if I could get by without them I would? Don't you think that I would choose to function at the optimum level possible?

Anger that things I look forward to in anticipation keep getting wrecked... especially by my being sick, or something to do with it.

Angry... and so very tired. I'm done. Just so done. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to look down the line a few weeks from now and know that every day is going to feel like this, and probably worse. I don't want to have to choose between showering and making myself food as my one activity for the day. (God, I wish I were exaggerating.) I don't want to be bitter when I see people going about their non-painful, energy ridden lives... taking so much for granted.

I came home from my rheum appointment and trying to fill my pain killer prescription today (can't; too early. I wasn't able to beat the system after all.) and I just fell into bed with C. I tried to keep quiet, but even when he's asleep he seems to be able to tell when I'm crying. Finally the words came out.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm done. I just want out. I want to end it."

He, of course, replied, "No."

The next half hour-ish was basically all that on repeat. Cry, beg him to let me kill myself, cry some more... He just held me. Eventually I fell asleep, and when I woke up it was an hour past the time he usually is at work. I thought I had missed saying goodbye to him until he came into the room when he heard me stirring around. There's no one he could call to come over and keep an eye on me, so he decided to stay home and do it himself. I did promise, before I fell asleep, that I wouldn't kill myself while he was at work... but I guess that he felt my despair was deep enough that it wasn't worth the risk. It may have something to do with my tearful confession that I was afraid that I would actually try it while he was at work.

I'm still not in a good place. If he weren't here... I can't say what would happen. I had planned on calling a suicide hotline or something after he went to work. Maybe one of my peeps, but probably not. I feel like this is too heavy to lay on them.

I can't decide if I'm guilty or grateful that C is home with me. An even mix of both, I guess.

If I don't end up killing myself... I may kill the neighbor's dog. That thing is so fucking annoying. Especially when my nerves are already grated raw from my own internal battles.


There. You see? Not in a good place. I think I'm going to go nap now.

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