Too sick to blog. Be back when I'm not dying.
Tomorrow... The Appointment.
regarding: anticipation, anxiety, chronic illness, comfort, cuddling, doctors, excitement, expectations, family, fear, funny, hard stuff, health, holidays, hope, hospital, marriage, nervous, pain, scared
I really need to be drifting off to la-la-land here in a few minutes, as I've got to get up early. Why? Becauuuuuuuse.... tomorrow is The Appointment with The Neurologists. You know, the one where we go over test results and I maybe get some answers?
I feel all sorts of ways about this appointment. On one hand, I know that even if all of the tests come back normal and show us absolutely nothing in the way of what's wrong with me, that means that we can rule things out, and that in and of itself is progress. On the other hand, I am both hoping and afraid that some of the tests will show something and we'll begin to have a clue as to what ails me. I'm hoping to maybe start getting headway in treating the root cause of this ridiculous pain (and all of the other fun stuff that comes with it). I'm hoping that the doctors will be able to get me some pain management (i.e. pain meds) that are more effective than what I've got now. I'm hoping for answers, clues, hints even. Anything.
But I also don't dare get my hopes up. (Despite my best efforts, I find myself hoping for things, but I keep telling myself to stop it!) I really hate it when my hope are crushed and I am devastated. I'm afraid that nothing conclusive will come of this, that I'll still be shrouded in mystery. I'm afraid that they will refuse to help me treat my pain. I'm afraid that I've got something terrible, something degenerative, something debilitating. I'm afraid that I'm only going to get worse. I'm afraid that there's nothing we can do to help me.
I mean, there are so many "what ifs". What if it's degenerative? What if the pain never goes away? What if I can't ever have kids? Hell... what if I'm dying? Some people might think that's being a bit dramatic, but considering how rapidly I've gone downhill, how bad it's gotten in such a short amount of time... it wouldn't surprise me as much as it might someone else. My mom even said this last trip that I looked like a chemotherapy patient-- pale, weak, dark circles all around my eyes from the pain and sleep problems... She also said that she fears this is the last time she's going to see me. I can't travel long distances anymore without great difficulty, and she doesn't have the money to come out my way, so... unless I get better, we won't be seeing each other for a long time.
Do you know how sobering and/or terrifying it is to have your mother look into your eyes and say, "I fear that this is the last time I'm going to see you"? Let me tell you, it's pretty damn scary. It made me take a hard look at myself through someone else's eyes and realize... yeah. I'm pretty sick. I've gotten good at denying how sick I am in my mind... maybe to justify myself to others, to avoid undue sympathy, to keep myself from plunging into a morass of despair? I'm like, "I'm fine yo! Um... Can you help me to the bathroom?" Hah.
Anyway, I need to rest. The less sleep I get, the harder this trip will be. C's dad is taking me, which is very nice of him. We'll be taking C's truck since it gets WAY better gas mileage than R's big old beast of a truck. (Funny... both of my dads are named R now. Go figure!) C will have to use R's truck, as my car is broken and in the shop. (We're going to have to get a new one. This has been about a year in coming, but it's still not a pleasant prospect. At least I hardly drive now, so all I need is a little beater to get me to work once or twice a week and to the store if I need it. No big. It just has to have proper hvac and be an automatic.)
I asked C to cuddle me tonight, and we talked over some of my fears. He told me it's okay to be nervous, and that I'm right in thinking about it as "no matter what happens, it'll be progress". Oh, guess what? I went to my grandparents this afternoon for a small Christmas (opening presents and watching a Christmas movie), and on the ride there Grampa and I were talking about stuff. C came up, as I was talking about how incredibly impressed I am with him as a person and how he's adapted to life with my illness and how well he takes care of me and loves on me. I mean, I knew he was a great guy before I married him, but he's really blown my expectations out of the water and shown himself to be a spectacular specimen of human being. Just an all around wonderful man and husband. Anyway, I was saying things like that and Grampa jumped in with the comment that he did have his doubts when we got married (C being a nonbeliever and all that), but C has really impressed him too and he thinks that my heart was really telling me the right thing when I decided to marry C. To hear that made my heart sing and burst with pride. I love that man. He's amazing. And he has the greatest mustache ever. Even Grampa is jealous! He said so himself during one of the 3 or 4 times he complimented C's mustache throughout the afternoon. Men and their facial hair, I swear...
I asked C to tell me some optimistic stuff about the future, to allay my nervousness and all. He looked at me, blankly amused (he's terrible at off the cuff stuff, especially optimistic or complimentary stuff), so I whispered a few prompts to him. "Tell me it's all going to be okay... and that no matter what happens you'll be here... and we're gonna be alright..." He then kinda stuttered out awkwardly, "I'll be here..." (long pause) "...for you." Then we both laughed because it was so awful. I'm grinning now even as I recount it. He's so funny.
Alright. To bed with me, while I still have a smile on my face. Hopefully I don't stew over the "what ifs" too much while drifting off to sleep. I'll try not to. But oh man.... so nervous!
I feel all sorts of ways about this appointment. On one hand, I know that even if all of the tests come back normal and show us absolutely nothing in the way of what's wrong with me, that means that we can rule things out, and that in and of itself is progress. On the other hand, I am both hoping and afraid that some of the tests will show something and we'll begin to have a clue as to what ails me. I'm hoping to maybe start getting headway in treating the root cause of this ridiculous pain (and all of the other fun stuff that comes with it). I'm hoping that the doctors will be able to get me some pain management (i.e. pain meds) that are more effective than what I've got now. I'm hoping for answers, clues, hints even. Anything.
But I also don't dare get my hopes up. (Despite my best efforts, I find myself hoping for things, but I keep telling myself to stop it!) I really hate it when my hope are crushed and I am devastated. I'm afraid that nothing conclusive will come of this, that I'll still be shrouded in mystery. I'm afraid that they will refuse to help me treat my pain. I'm afraid that I've got something terrible, something degenerative, something debilitating. I'm afraid that I'm only going to get worse. I'm afraid that there's nothing we can do to help me.
I mean, there are so many "what ifs". What if it's degenerative? What if the pain never goes away? What if I can't ever have kids? Hell... what if I'm dying? Some people might think that's being a bit dramatic, but considering how rapidly I've gone downhill, how bad it's gotten in such a short amount of time... it wouldn't surprise me as much as it might someone else. My mom even said this last trip that I looked like a chemotherapy patient-- pale, weak, dark circles all around my eyes from the pain and sleep problems... She also said that she fears this is the last time she's going to see me. I can't travel long distances anymore without great difficulty, and she doesn't have the money to come out my way, so... unless I get better, we won't be seeing each other for a long time.
Do you know how sobering and/or terrifying it is to have your mother look into your eyes and say, "I fear that this is the last time I'm going to see you"? Let me tell you, it's pretty damn scary. It made me take a hard look at myself through someone else's eyes and realize... yeah. I'm pretty sick. I've gotten good at denying how sick I am in my mind... maybe to justify myself to others, to avoid undue sympathy, to keep myself from plunging into a morass of despair? I'm like, "I'm fine yo! Um... Can you help me to the bathroom?" Hah.
Anyway, I need to rest. The less sleep I get, the harder this trip will be. C's dad is taking me, which is very nice of him. We'll be taking C's truck since it gets WAY better gas mileage than R's big old beast of a truck. (Funny... both of my dads are named R now. Go figure!) C will have to use R's truck, as my car is broken and in the shop. (We're going to have to get a new one. This has been about a year in coming, but it's still not a pleasant prospect. At least I hardly drive now, so all I need is a little beater to get me to work once or twice a week and to the store if I need it. No big. It just has to have proper hvac and be an automatic.)
I asked C to cuddle me tonight, and we talked over some of my fears. He told me it's okay to be nervous, and that I'm right in thinking about it as "no matter what happens, it'll be progress". Oh, guess what? I went to my grandparents this afternoon for a small Christmas (opening presents and watching a Christmas movie), and on the ride there Grampa and I were talking about stuff. C came up, as I was talking about how incredibly impressed I am with him as a person and how he's adapted to life with my illness and how well he takes care of me and loves on me. I mean, I knew he was a great guy before I married him, but he's really blown my expectations out of the water and shown himself to be a spectacular specimen of human being. Just an all around wonderful man and husband. Anyway, I was saying things like that and Grampa jumped in with the comment that he did have his doubts when we got married (C being a nonbeliever and all that), but C has really impressed him too and he thinks that my heart was really telling me the right thing when I decided to marry C. To hear that made my heart sing and burst with pride. I love that man. He's amazing. And he has the greatest mustache ever. Even Grampa is jealous! He said so himself during one of the 3 or 4 times he complimented C's mustache throughout the afternoon. Men and their facial hair, I swear...
I asked C to tell me some optimistic stuff about the future, to allay my nervousness and all. He looked at me, blankly amused (he's terrible at off the cuff stuff, especially optimistic or complimentary stuff), so I whispered a few prompts to him. "Tell me it's all going to be okay... and that no matter what happens you'll be here... and we're gonna be alright..." He then kinda stuttered out awkwardly, "I'll be here..." (long pause) "...for you." Then we both laughed because it was so awful. I'm grinning now even as I recount it. He's so funny.
Alright. To bed with me, while I still have a smile on my face. Hopefully I don't stew over the "what ifs" too much while drifting off to sleep. I'll try not to. But oh man.... so nervous!
Sex, drugs, rock'n'roll
regarding: boundaries, conflict, crazy life, desperation, dumb, exhausted, friends, funny, health, i shouldn't have had coffee, mistake, new experiences, oops, pain, sick, support, work
Ok, actually, this has nothing to do with sex. Or rock'n'roll. Just drugs.
First of all, funny story... I accidentally got drunk last night. I mean, I intended to get buzzed or something, but I didn't mean to get drunk. It's not like I was hanging out on my couch and all of a sudden I'm reeling.
Here's what happened: I worked today and yesterday at the "front desk" of a gun show here in town. It's more or less sit-down work, but it requires a lot of talking, and there is walking and moving and pointing involved. It gave me a sharp reminder as to why I'm no longer actively in the work force. I feel pretty messed up, and the first day was very, very painful. Here I am trying to stretch out my pain meds and I'm in excruciating pain and needing to function like a normal human. Read: impossible. So when I got home I decided to do a little drinking to try and iron out some of the pain wrinkles. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as you look at it), I'm a total rookie when it comes to alcohol. I mean, I've never been drunk before. Never.
I drank three full glasses of rum and cranberry juice with maybe a little more rum than I should have used, and I drank them fast. In a little while, I started feeling pretty good. Warm, fuzzy, numb face and limbs... I was probably hurting still, but I didn't care anymore. It was a little hard to balance and stuff, but not bad. I've had worse when I was dealing with dizziness from the Cymbalta. But then... it kept going. And got stronger. And stronger. The lag is what got me-- I had felt fine, so I kept drinking. Not much longer after feeling "better", I began throwing up and wasn't able to stop for probably an hour. That was NOT fun.
Verdict: being drunk sucks. Well, okay, being throw-up-drunk sucks. I liked the warm fuzzy feeling, but I'm afraid that I can't achieve that without accidentally going too far. In addition to that, my body has definitely made it clear that alcohol is too hard on my already taxed system, and I shouldn't be messing around with it. (I'm not supposed to be ingesting alcohol with the meds I'm on anyway, so that's no great loss. Just another pain relief method that's lost to me. Alas.)
I drank a couple of cups of mint tea to settle my tummy, drank a ton of water, and fell asleep. I felt bad when I woke up so I had a nice long sit in a hot shower followed by a bowl of plain oatmeal and a mug of chamomile tea in addition to more water. Then I went back to bed so I could get up bright and early for work today. I fully expected to be completely destroyed today, but to my utter surprise I ended up hurting much less than the day before. My theory that I concocted with a friend is that I did indeed have a hangover, but it was so much less severe than my usual symptoms that it seemed like a decrease in sickness. Apparently my ability to avoid a hangover is a superpower, according to the same friend. Funny.
Okay, now for the real drug part. I've been having this ongoing war with C's uncle on Facebook about how he thinks I should smoke marijuana and all of my reasons as to why that's a bad idea and I'm not going to do it. He keeps bringing it up, over and over and freaking over again, even after I went on his wall and literally said, "Please stop telling me to do pot." Well, he didn't. So when I was drunk I hopped on fb to message some of my close friends about my mistake and how awful I was feeling. I also popped out a status update, and the following comment war ensued. I find it hilarious, epic, and also pathetic. It ended with my unfriending and blocking this uncle of C's, because I realized (through the efforts of my friend) that I don't have to put up with that crap.
I now give you the Do U Smoke? comment war.
R that could mean a lot of things.
Yesterday at 6:46pm · Like
Cassandra Yup. Purposefully ambiguous. That way I won't be judged. This is, after all, a public forum.
Yesterday at 6:46pm · Like · 2
R I highly doubt I would judge you, but its possible.
Yesterday at 6:47pm · Like
Cassandra lol No, probably not you... but others, definitely.
Yesterday at 6:47pm · Like
R I once ate some Chinese food that made me sick and then I went back for seconds...just kidding, that was my husband.
Yesterday at 6:48pm · Like
C Hah! Really? That's terrible... he must have felt awful.
Yesterday at 6:48pm · Like
R he could have killed himself!
Yesterday at 6:49pm · Like
R One time I didn't write something down and then I forgot what it was. Ok, lots of times.
Yesterday at 6:50pm · Like
Cassandra Yeah, that's pretty much the story of my life!
Yesterday at 6:50pm · Like
M You are absolved!
Yesterday at 6:51pm · Like · 1
Cassandra Gaaaah, if only it worked like that!
Yesterday at 6:51pm · Like · 1
B another way of saying u smoke
Yesterday at 6:57pm · Like
Cassandra I'm pretty sure that would be a purposeful action, so no.
Yesterday at 6:58pm · Like
B just do it it feels good
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like
B i heard
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like
Cassandra That is one of the worst reasons to do anything, especially when it's something that could result in my husband losing his job and thus my losing my health insurance. "You heard"? Yeah, suuuuuure lol
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like
B he should think of you and get another job that respects the constitution
Yesterday at 7:02pm · Like
Cassandra He is thinking of me. He has a great job with good healthcare that allows for advancement, not to mention it's a stable job in a crazy economy and will provide for our family for decades to come. Just because smoking MIGHT help me means he should give up his job in one of the cities with the highest unemployment rates in the country? I think not. I'd rather he keep his job and be able to pay our bills.
Yesterday at 7:04pm · Like · 4
B in regards to ya sure i'm neither a user or an advocate just don't want u to be in pain a suggestion
Yesterday at 7:08pm · Like
Cassandra Thanks. I appreciate the sentiment.
Yesterday at 7:09pm · Like
S that's the rub, is that the pain will likely stay forever, regardless of what treatments tried. you always trade something for pain relief, whether it is organ function or mental clarity.
Yesterday at 7:10pm · Like
B just smoke the pot and be well nobody will tell anybody . no one will come to ur house and say be ill, and just keep the music down you will be ok its better then meds
23 hours ago · Like
L The lady said no several times on several threads. I'm glad you're so passionate about trying to help, but maybe redirect that passion to being supportive of the decision she already made?
Private message:
First of all, funny story... I accidentally got drunk last night. I mean, I intended to get buzzed or something, but I didn't mean to get drunk. It's not like I was hanging out on my couch and all of a sudden I'm reeling.
Here's what happened: I worked today and yesterday at the "front desk" of a gun show here in town. It's more or less sit-down work, but it requires a lot of talking, and there is walking and moving and pointing involved. It gave me a sharp reminder as to why I'm no longer actively in the work force. I feel pretty messed up, and the first day was very, very painful. Here I am trying to stretch out my pain meds and I'm in excruciating pain and needing to function like a normal human. Read: impossible. So when I got home I decided to do a little drinking to try and iron out some of the pain wrinkles. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as you look at it), I'm a total rookie when it comes to alcohol. I mean, I've never been drunk before. Never.
I drank three full glasses of rum and cranberry juice with maybe a little more rum than I should have used, and I drank them fast. In a little while, I started feeling pretty good. Warm, fuzzy, numb face and limbs... I was probably hurting still, but I didn't care anymore. It was a little hard to balance and stuff, but not bad. I've had worse when I was dealing with dizziness from the Cymbalta. But then... it kept going. And got stronger. And stronger. The lag is what got me-- I had felt fine, so I kept drinking. Not much longer after feeling "better", I began throwing up and wasn't able to stop for probably an hour. That was NOT fun.
Verdict: being drunk sucks. Well, okay, being throw-up-drunk sucks. I liked the warm fuzzy feeling, but I'm afraid that I can't achieve that without accidentally going too far. In addition to that, my body has definitely made it clear that alcohol is too hard on my already taxed system, and I shouldn't be messing around with it. (I'm not supposed to be ingesting alcohol with the meds I'm on anyway, so that's no great loss. Just another pain relief method that's lost to me. Alas.)
I drank a couple of cups of mint tea to settle my tummy, drank a ton of water, and fell asleep. I felt bad when I woke up so I had a nice long sit in a hot shower followed by a bowl of plain oatmeal and a mug of chamomile tea in addition to more water. Then I went back to bed so I could get up bright and early for work today. I fully expected to be completely destroyed today, but to my utter surprise I ended up hurting much less than the day before. My theory that I concocted with a friend is that I did indeed have a hangover, but it was so much less severe than my usual symptoms that it seemed like a decrease in sickness. Apparently my ability to avoid a hangover is a superpower, according to the same friend. Funny.
Okay, now for the real drug part. I've been having this ongoing war with C's uncle on Facebook about how he thinks I should smoke marijuana and all of my reasons as to why that's a bad idea and I'm not going to do it. He keeps bringing it up, over and over and freaking over again, even after I went on his wall and literally said, "Please stop telling me to do pot." Well, he didn't. So when I was drunk I hopped on fb to message some of my close friends about my mistake and how awful I was feeling. I also popped out a status update, and the following comment war ensued. I find it hilarious, epic, and also pathetic. It ended with my unfriending and blocking this uncle of C's, because I realized (through the efforts of my friend) that I don't have to put up with that crap.
I now give you the Do U Smoke? comment war.
Cassandra I accidentally did a bad thing and now there are repercussions that I am not fond of. Hergablergh.
Yesterday at 6:45pmR that could mean a lot of things.
Yesterday at 6:46pm · Like
Cassandra Yup. Purposefully ambiguous. That way I won't be judged. This is, after all, a public forum.
Yesterday at 6:46pm · Like · 2
R I highly doubt I would judge you, but its possible.
Yesterday at 6:47pm · Like
Cassandra lol No, probably not you... but others, definitely.
Yesterday at 6:47pm · Like
R I once ate some Chinese food that made me sick and then I went back for seconds...just kidding, that was my husband.
Yesterday at 6:48pm · Like
C Hah! Really? That's terrible... he must have felt awful.
Yesterday at 6:48pm · Like
R he could have killed himself!
Yesterday at 6:49pm · Like
R One time I didn't write something down and then I forgot what it was. Ok, lots of times.
Yesterday at 6:50pm · Like
Cassandra Yeah, that's pretty much the story of my life!
Yesterday at 6:50pm · Like
M You are absolved!
Yesterday at 6:51pm · Like · 1
Cassandra Gaaaah, if only it worked like that!
Yesterday at 6:51pm · Like · 1
B another way of saying u smoke
Yesterday at 6:57pm · Like
Cassandra I'm pretty sure that would be a purposeful action, so no.
Yesterday at 6:58pm · Like
B just do it it feels good
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like
B i heard
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like
Cassandra That is one of the worst reasons to do anything, especially when it's something that could result in my husband losing his job and thus my losing my health insurance. "You heard"? Yeah, suuuuuure lol
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like
B he should think of you and get another job that respects the constitution
Yesterday at 7:02pm · Like
Cassandra He is thinking of me. He has a great job with good healthcare that allows for advancement, not to mention it's a stable job in a crazy economy and will provide for our family for decades to come. Just because smoking MIGHT help me means he should give up his job in one of the cities with the highest unemployment rates in the country? I think not. I'd rather he keep his job and be able to pay our bills.
Yesterday at 7:04pm · Like · 4
B in regards to ya sure i'm neither a user or an advocate just don't want u to be in pain a suggestion
Yesterday at 7:08pm · Like
Cassandra Thanks. I appreciate the sentiment.
Yesterday at 7:09pm · Like
S that's the rub, is that the pain will likely stay forever, regardless of what treatments tried. you always trade something for pain relief, whether it is organ function or mental clarity.
Yesterday at 7:10pm · Like
B just smoke the pot and be well nobody will tell anybody . no one will come to ur house and say be ill, and just keep the music down you will be ok its better then meds
23 hours ago · Like
L The lady said no several times on several threads. I'm glad you're so passionate about trying to help, but maybe redirect that passion to being supportive of the decision she already made?
^Ranting because the "No I will not smoke pot" explanation shouldn't have to be given on every single thread. Sorry for crossing that line, not sorry I feel this way
23 hours ago · Like · 1
Cassandra Thank you, L. I appreciate that, and I feel the same way.
19 hours ago · Like
Cassandra So true, S. What a lame predicament.
19 hours ago · Like
B hey L you sound like you could use some pot too for your head you sound angry thank you have a nice day and i dont smoke pot but if it would help me i would if i was in pain and D be your own man r u a cop too dont let them brain wash you be happy have nice day nephew
3 hours ago · Like
L B, I am angry with you for trying to pressure my friend into doing something she doesn't want to do despite the fact that she's told you her position on the matter numerous times. I'm sure you would smoke pot of your situation was similar to Cassie's in which case i would be supportive of your choice, and she would probably be nice enough not to spam you with frequent messages about how you shouldn't smoke pot. Her choice is her choice, and you should either respect and support it or keep your dissatisfaction with her decision to yourself.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like
B pressure?
3 hours ago · Like
L Yes. Pressure. You take every conceivable opportunity to tell her to smoke pot. She tells you in no uncertain terms that she will not smoke pot, has her reasons for having reached that decision, and has shared those reasons with you. In spite of that, you continue to hound her about your opinion of her decision for her health and her family. If you were at a gathering of your friends and colleagues and someone told you to have a drink and you refused and they kept telling you to take it, it's just one drink, it's not going to hurt anything, just do it, etc. it would be peer pressure. If you were at a bar or club trying to pick up somebody and they told you no multiple times and you didn't get the hint the bouncer would remove you from the building for harassing the other patrons. No on the internet is just as valid as no in real life.
23 hours ago · Like · 1
Cassandra Thank you, L. I appreciate that, and I feel the same way.
19 hours ago · Like
Cassandra So true, S. What a lame predicament.
19 hours ago · Like
B hey L you sound like you could use some pot too for your head you sound angry thank you have a nice day and i dont smoke pot but if it would help me i would if i was in pain and D be your own man r u a cop too dont let them brain wash you be happy have nice day nephew
3 hours ago · Like
L B, I am angry with you for trying to pressure my friend into doing something she doesn't want to do despite the fact that she's told you her position on the matter numerous times. I'm sure you would smoke pot of your situation was similar to Cassie's in which case i would be supportive of your choice, and she would probably be nice enough not to spam you with frequent messages about how you shouldn't smoke pot. Her choice is her choice, and you should either respect and support it or keep your dissatisfaction with her decision to yourself.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like
B pressure?
3 hours ago · Like
L Yes. Pressure. You take every conceivable opportunity to tell her to smoke pot. She tells you in no uncertain terms that she will not smoke pot, has her reasons for having reached that decision, and has shared those reasons with you. In spite of that, you continue to hound her about your opinion of her decision for her health and her family. If you were at a gathering of your friends and colleagues and someone told you to have a drink and you refused and they kept telling you to take it, it's just one drink, it's not going to hurt anything, just do it, etc. it would be peer pressure. If you were at a bar or club trying to pick up somebody and they told you no multiple times and you didn't get the hint the bouncer would remove you from the building for harassing the other patrons. No on the internet is just as valid as no in real life.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like
B you seem so angry you should smoke pot too and be happy
2 hours ago · Like
B who are you anyways you seem so animated like bart simpson or stewie, have a nice day
2 hours ago · Like
L Me smoking pot will not make you less of a drug-pusher, nor will it change the fact that i don't like my friends to be harassed.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like
B are you a cop
2 hours ago · Like
B drug pusher ,you sound crazy too
2 hours ago · Like
B i see how you hide your self
2 hours ago · Like
B just stop bullying me, too much sadness from you have a nice day cop
2 hours ago · Like
B are you driving and texting thats bad too smoking pot and texting and driving have a nice day and leave me alone please
2 hours ago · Like
L Since you said please, I will oblige. That's what grown ups do.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like
Cassandra Oh. my. god. Really? REALLY? B, I will discuss this with you in a private message, but publicly I will say that I don't appreciate the direction you took this conversation. L, thank you for dealing with the topic in a mature manner. We're done with this now.
8 minutes ago · Like
B you seem so angry you should smoke pot too and be happy
2 hours ago · Like
B who are you anyways you seem so animated like bart simpson or stewie, have a nice day
2 hours ago · Like
L Me smoking pot will not make you less of a drug-pusher, nor will it change the fact that i don't like my friends to be harassed.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like
B are you a cop
2 hours ago · Like
B drug pusher ,you sound crazy too
2 hours ago · Like
B i see how you hide your self
2 hours ago · Like
B just stop bullying me, too much sadness from you have a nice day cop
2 hours ago · Like
B are you driving and texting thats bad too smoking pot and texting and driving have a nice day and leave me alone please
2 hours ago · Like
L Since you said please, I will oblige. That's what grown ups do.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like
Cassandra Oh. my. god. Really? REALLY? B, I will discuss this with you in a private message, but publicly I will say that I don't appreciate the direction you took this conversation. L, thank you for dealing with the topic in a mature manner. We're done with this now.
8 minutes ago · Like
Private message:
B, I agree with my friend L. I feel as though you have continued to ply me with unwelcome pressure to do something that I have stated in no uncertain terms that I do not wish to do. I explicitly asked you to stop telling me to smoke pot, but you have only increased your efforts to get me to try marijuana. Why? What's the big fucking deal? I have explained myself to you time and time again, and I no longer wish to do so, since you CLEARLY don't get it. To see you insult my friends, my husband, and my brother in law is the last straw. I will be unfriending you.
Also, you may want to consider what you blast all over a public forum regarding your stance on prohibited substances. Some states may have legalized the use of marijuana, but it is still a federal crime. If you are ever busted, those comments of yours are incredibly incriminating. Don't think for a second that cops don't use Facebook to nail people. Just a thought.
So that's over and done. I have a funny story to tell, my brother in law wrote me an apology/explanation message about his uncle's behavior, and I am more self-aware and empowered when it comes to dealing with unwanted pressure. Lesson learned, life skills gained, and it's all good. I feel good about myself that this really didn't ruffle my emotional feathers as it would have in the past. It was totally not personal to me, and that's great.
So that's over and done. I have a funny story to tell, my brother in law wrote me an apology/explanation message about his uncle's behavior, and I am more self-aware and empowered when it comes to dealing with unwanted pressure. Lesson learned, life skills gained, and it's all good. I feel good about myself that this really didn't ruffle my emotional feathers as it would have in the past. It was totally not personal to me, and that's great.
Back home
regarding: crazy life, daytoday, family, gifts, holidays, home, hospital, love, marriage, resting, travel
What a trip that was; what a trip, indeed! Yes, I feel good about how it went. I feel good about the fact that I was there, and I feel good about what I "accomplished" in terms of being there for my sister and my family. It seems that they kinda like having me around or something. Heh. My brother said, "If Cassie doesn't come home for Christmas, then the holiday spirit is just gone!" Awww :) I'm his Ghost of Christmas Present! Or Past... whichever one is more fun and amazing. Just so long as I'm not the Ghost of Christmas Future. That guy is pretty grim.
Apparently J ended back up in the Nut Hut (mental health unit of the hospital) shortly after I left for suicidal impulses again. If I were going to look at that as any sort of indicator on how well I "did my job", I still wouldn't really know, because either I did so well at supporting her that she didn't need to go to the hospital while I was there or I was bad enough at it that she felt the need to seek professional help. I prefer to think it's the former, though neither one is necessarily even applicable. It is what it is. I did talk to both her and C while I was there, though, and there's a 90% certainty that she will be moving in with C and I for a while after she graduates. It'll be good for her to have the stability of our home, I will have someone around to help me with the house and basic life tasks, she can go through the HJ program, and she can see what a good, healthy marriage looks like. That's something she's not going to get pretty much anywhere else in the family or her friend group, sad to say.
Speaking of the HJ, I found out yesterday that we have had office space donated to us!!! That means that we'll have actual headquarters! No more of this "working out of a spare bedroom" stuff anymore. And it's a LOT closer to home for me, so it will be easier to get to, not to mention that I can come and go as I please. I can work at the office when I feel well and not have to fuss with coordinating rides and days and stuff with E any longer. Such a relief. And this will greatly facilitate my goal of getting the HJ (and E especially) more organized.
Since my health has taken (yet another) hit and I'm not doing so well, I was afraid that I'd have to really back off in my involvement with the HJ... and as a consequence, earn less money. I'm not in it for the money at all, except for the little bit of me that is in it for the money... because, let's be honest, bills have got to be paid. So this new development is a relief, frankly. I think it will make the job more sustainable for me until I can get well enough to work like a normal person again.
As I'm sitting here, typing away, I'm looking around at the walls of my living room and at all of the pictures and things we have hanging up. They all make me smile for one reason or another because every single thing has a backstory and a memory attached to it. There is nothing in our home that is for useless show, really, and I like that. Just a random thought.
Another thing that makes me smile: shiny stuff! Since I've gained weight and since my symptoms have increased in severity, I find myself unable to wear my wedding ring most of the time because it cuts into my finger now and is uncomfortable. My swollen fingers make a larger sized ring necessary. (That just goes to show the difference... a year ago, when I was engaged, I had a hard time with the ring almost falling off my finger because it was so loose on me!) While I was visiting the fam I bought myself a very dainty and thin silver band to wear with/instead of my wedding ring. When I showed it to C upon returning he said that we just needed to get me another ring in a larger size to wear on the days when my hands are swollen. I took to that idea immediately because, hello, shiny stuff, so I spent the last couple of days compiling rings that I like and presented them to C last night for his selection. I wanted him to have the final choice, that way it is something that came from him, you know? But my compiling the list guaranteed that I would like any of the ones he chose. Well, we pored over Etsy last night and he went ahead and purchased one. Behold, my alternate wedding ring!
There were many beautiful choices, but we both agreed that this one represents my personality and style best.
Oh, and I also (finally) got a dresser for my clothes! That's a good thing, as the big blue suitcase I was keeping my clothes in on the closet floor bit the dust when I used it for the trip home. So now I have three whole drawers to keep my things in. I haven't put anything in it today, but that's on the agenda for today. I'm ecstatic! (You know your life is bit dull when something as mundane as a dresser is cause for merriment and joy.)
So that's life for now. Just enjoying being back home in my own routine with C again. I didn't miss him, really, until I saw him again... and by that I didn't realize that I missed him until I had him again. I kept myself pretty occupied while back east. Not to be all mushy and stuff, but I really do love that man. Just standing around the kitchen with him and waiting for water to boil is a satisfying and enjoyable event. I'm so glad I married him. He's good people, and he's at his best with me. Love him.
Apparently J ended back up in the Nut Hut (mental health unit of the hospital) shortly after I left for suicidal impulses again. If I were going to look at that as any sort of indicator on how well I "did my job", I still wouldn't really know, because either I did so well at supporting her that she didn't need to go to the hospital while I was there or I was bad enough at it that she felt the need to seek professional help. I prefer to think it's the former, though neither one is necessarily even applicable. It is what it is. I did talk to both her and C while I was there, though, and there's a 90% certainty that she will be moving in with C and I for a while after she graduates. It'll be good for her to have the stability of our home, I will have someone around to help me with the house and basic life tasks, she can go through the HJ program, and she can see what a good, healthy marriage looks like. That's something she's not going to get pretty much anywhere else in the family or her friend group, sad to say.
Speaking of the HJ, I found out yesterday that we have had office space donated to us!!! That means that we'll have actual headquarters! No more of this "working out of a spare bedroom" stuff anymore. And it's a LOT closer to home for me, so it will be easier to get to, not to mention that I can come and go as I please. I can work at the office when I feel well and not have to fuss with coordinating rides and days and stuff with E any longer. Such a relief. And this will greatly facilitate my goal of getting the HJ (and E especially) more organized.
Since my health has taken (yet another) hit and I'm not doing so well, I was afraid that I'd have to really back off in my involvement with the HJ... and as a consequence, earn less money. I'm not in it for the money at all, except for the little bit of me that is in it for the money... because, let's be honest, bills have got to be paid. So this new development is a relief, frankly. I think it will make the job more sustainable for me until I can get well enough to work like a normal person again.
As I'm sitting here, typing away, I'm looking around at the walls of my living room and at all of the pictures and things we have hanging up. They all make me smile for one reason or another because every single thing has a backstory and a memory attached to it. There is nothing in our home that is for useless show, really, and I like that. Just a random thought.
Another thing that makes me smile: shiny stuff! Since I've gained weight and since my symptoms have increased in severity, I find myself unable to wear my wedding ring most of the time because it cuts into my finger now and is uncomfortable. My swollen fingers make a larger sized ring necessary. (That just goes to show the difference... a year ago, when I was engaged, I had a hard time with the ring almost falling off my finger because it was so loose on me!) While I was visiting the fam I bought myself a very dainty and thin silver band to wear with/instead of my wedding ring. When I showed it to C upon returning he said that we just needed to get me another ring in a larger size to wear on the days when my hands are swollen. I took to that idea immediately because, hello, shiny stuff, so I spent the last couple of days compiling rings that I like and presented them to C last night for his selection. I wanted him to have the final choice, that way it is something that came from him, you know? But my compiling the list guaranteed that I would like any of the ones he chose. Well, we pored over Etsy last night and he went ahead and purchased one. Behold, my alternate wedding ring!
There were many beautiful choices, but we both agreed that this one represents my personality and style best.
Oh, and I also (finally) got a dresser for my clothes! That's a good thing, as the big blue suitcase I was keeping my clothes in on the closet floor bit the dust when I used it for the trip home. So now I have three whole drawers to keep my things in. I haven't put anything in it today, but that's on the agenda for today. I'm ecstatic! (You know your life is bit dull when something as mundane as a dresser is cause for merriment and joy.)
So that's life for now. Just enjoying being back home in my own routine with C again. I didn't miss him, really, until I saw him again... and by that I didn't realize that I missed him until I had him again. I kept myself pretty occupied while back east. Not to be all mushy and stuff, but I really do love that man. Just standing around the kitchen with him and waiting for water to boil is a satisfying and enjoyable event. I'm so glad I married him. He's good people, and he's at his best with me. Love him.
I've been home with the folks for a few days. Things are crazy here, and I am looking forward to going back home. Don't get me wrong; I love my family, and I'm happy to be with them. But just about everything is in a state of upheaval and unreliability that is hard for me to handle, especially now that my health demands such handling with kid gloves. The pain has been really, really bad since I came, and my pain killers are just not touching it anymore. The pain and sickness that I had to deal with when I ran out of meds while back home is my baseline here. I think it's part weather, part stress, part recovering from what was an unexpectedly difficult trip out. In a few hours, I'll be heading back to the emergency room to see if they can help me. (I was there two days ago.) It's not like I can just head back home to see my own doctors... I don't even have a rheumatologist anymore :-\
Mom doesn't have internet, which means that my lurkings on the web are far and few between. We're sitting in a Starbucks right now, but I'm ready to go home. Think I'll wrap this up and climb back into bed to sleep for a few hours, if I can.
Mom doesn't have internet, which means that my lurkings on the web are far and few between. We're sitting in a Starbucks right now, but I'm ready to go home. Think I'll wrap this up and climb back into bed to sleep for a few hours, if I can.
The kitties know something's up. Coraline is more of a shadow than usual, and Juneaux is alternating between feisty, needy, and shadowing me.
I gave C one of his christmas presents early... as in, tonight. It came in the mail today and I just. could. not. wait. I think my getting him stuff is more for me than for him! lol I love to give gifts, what can I say? A friend of mine from the massage program came over today to give me a full body massage, free of charge. She not only needs the practice, she is concerned about my health and pain levels and wants to help. I had a present for her, as well, which she opened. It was a hot and cold stone massage kit, which was perfect because she had been borrowing the instructors stones and now she has some of her own! It even has an ambient music cd with it. She was thrilled, and I was ecstatic at how well it fit her wants and needs. :) I LOVE making people happy!
There is drama on the home front... Not mine, but the far-flung home front that I will be traveling to. I'm half wary of going, half super excited about seeing the folks and being the emotional support that I know they need. I just feel super ill-equipped for this. Can I really make a difference? We shall see...
I'm done packing except for toiletries, which I will put away after I take a shower. (Apparently my mom's new house doesn't have a shower yet! Or a fridge. I'm a little concerned about creature comforts... but she has a couch, a bed, and the house is well heated. And allegedly the stove was going in today. Heh. I do love adventures!) So, off to the shower with me! Perhaps it will help to alleviate some of this accursed pain! (I so way overdid it yesterday. But it was worth it, I think. But oh man... ouch!!!)
I gave C one of his christmas presents early... as in, tonight. It came in the mail today and I just. could. not. wait. I think my getting him stuff is more for me than for him! lol I love to give gifts, what can I say? A friend of mine from the massage program came over today to give me a full body massage, free of charge. She not only needs the practice, she is concerned about my health and pain levels and wants to help. I had a present for her, as well, which she opened. It was a hot and cold stone massage kit, which was perfect because she had been borrowing the instructors stones and now she has some of her own! It even has an ambient music cd with it. She was thrilled, and I was ecstatic at how well it fit her wants and needs. :) I LOVE making people happy!
There is drama on the home front... Not mine, but the far-flung home front that I will be traveling to. I'm half wary of going, half super excited about seeing the folks and being the emotional support that I know they need. I just feel super ill-equipped for this. Can I really make a difference? We shall see...
I'm done packing except for toiletries, which I will put away after I take a shower. (Apparently my mom's new house doesn't have a shower yet! Or a fridge. I'm a little concerned about creature comforts... but she has a couch, a bed, and the house is well heated. And allegedly the stove was going in today. Heh. I do love adventures!) So, off to the shower with me! Perhaps it will help to alleviate some of this accursed pain! (I so way overdid it yesterday. But it was worth it, I think. But oh man... ouch!!!)
1000 Gifts
regarding: 1000gifts
41. A cup of yummy tea from my bestie.
42. Fall-scented candles.
43. Dishes stacked in the sink-- means that not only do I have food, but I had the energy to put it together.
44. The mood struck, and the decor got switched from fall to winter-esque.
45. Handmade quilts.
46. Group with my girls.
47. Pain killers.
48. Automatic snuggling by hubby when I roll over into him at night. (He doesn't even realize he's doing it. He's asleep. That makes it even sweeter.)
49. Goodbye kisses.
50. Wrapping gifts for my family-- I was able to afford some things for them, even though I have such a limited income.
51. C's awesome presents that I was able to afford.
52. Finding a treasured possession that I thought was lost for good.
53. Coming across my wedding dress while rummaging through my closet. Brought a smile to my face and warm memories to mind.
54. D's lily bloomed before I left.
55. Day after tomorrow is my big trip!
56. Warm clothing.
57. My loving kitties.
58. A tidy house.
59. Dungeons and dragons with friends.
60. Red hair.
42. Fall-scented candles.
43. Dishes stacked in the sink-- means that not only do I have food, but I had the energy to put it together.
44. The mood struck, and the decor got switched from fall to winter-esque.
45. Handmade quilts.
46. Group with my girls.
47. Pain killers.
48. Automatic snuggling by hubby when I roll over into him at night. (He doesn't even realize he's doing it. He's asleep. That makes it even sweeter.)
49. Goodbye kisses.
50. Wrapping gifts for my family-- I was able to afford some things for them, even though I have such a limited income.
51. C's awesome presents that I was able to afford.
52. Finding a treasured possession that I thought was lost for good.
53. Coming across my wedding dress while rummaging through my closet. Brought a smile to my face and warm memories to mind.
54. D's lily bloomed before I left.
55. Day after tomorrow is my big trip!
56. Warm clothing.
57. My loving kitties.
58. A tidy house.
59. Dungeons and dragons with friends.
60. Red hair.
Back to real life
regarding: anxiety, crazy life, family, grieving, kitties, meds, packing, plans, travel
 |
| This is "David" the plant, and the lily that bloomed today. |
I've been anxiously awaiting the blooming of this particular flower. I sincerely hoped that it would open before I took off to go see the fam, and I was rewarded today for my patience and hope. I texted all of the S's to tell them about it, and then I went to D's fb page and left him this message:
"I have a plant named "David". Actually, it's a collection of plants, all in one basket. It was at your memorial service, and the ladies didn't have room to take it back to Id with them. Actually, I wanted it anyway, since I didn't have anything to connect me with you, really. K got your guitar, J got your Bible and I got...? I know I'm not your real daughter, but I still wanted something of yours to hold and remember you by.
Well, the plant is flourishing. I feel like it's fitting, since you were such a plant guy, that my connection to you should be plants. It's doing so well, in fact, that it sent up a flower, a pure white lily. I've been anxiously waiting for it to open, hoping that it would happen before I left for the month. After all, I never did get to see my tulips bloom, either. Not once. But the memory of talking over the pros and cons of the various kinds with you and your obvious pride in my selections is enough for me.
It opened today. I think you'd be proud of me. Your girls and C all agree that you would, and that's enough to bring me to tears. I want you to be proud of me. I miss you. I miss you so much! I am always crying when I come on here to write to you! It's funny. But not. Because I miss you... so much. I'm glad I got to see your lily open."
I'm slowly but surely preparing for my big trip back east. I got my packing list all spec'd out, and I wrapped/prepared for packing all of my Christmas presents last night. I also finished the sorting of the HJ's massive stash of handouts, and I will put together a binder of pertinent handouts for J to have. Hopefully it helps her. She seems to be looking forward to taking care of me while I'm there: painting my toenails for me, making me tea in the morning, cooking for me... It is going to be strange, allowing myself to be taken care of. I am so used to being the caretaker and peacekeeper for my family. I've been the second mama most of my life. And now... now I'm basically helpless. All I can do is offer emotional support and what wisdom and lessons I've gleaned through the years. Then again... everything works out alright. Maybe this is exactly what they need right now, when they're all so broken... Maybe they need someone to take care of and nurture who will love them for it, to heal the sadness within themselves. That's what Juneaux did for me while I was facing down my demons. Maybe this is just right. We shall see.
I have been much more stable emotionally these past few days. I think C was right, and that the accidental withdrawal from my antidepressants was affecting me more than I realized. It does help tremendously to stabilize me. I have also identified the trigger for this round of suicidal ideations, and that is the anxiety of running out of pain killers. I have to consciously stop myself from worrying about what will happen when I run out and thinking about trying to survive without them; I cannot think about how sick I will become and how overwhelming the pain will be. It's too much. I have worked out a few possible options to make sure that doesn't happen (all legal, thankyouverymuch), and now I will let the matter rest. I will deal with it if it comes up, but then and ONLY then.
So now I will finish my chick flick while putting together J's binder and drinking delicious tea from my bestie J. I think we've finally worked out my being able to see her after all! Suh-weet! Her family is so wonderful and understanding. I got this message from her yesterday:
"My dad's response to learning about the situation with your appointment - "Ah Birdie, we completely understand and would want her to do this at any cost.
Work something out with the airline, but if not, well, we support the industry; may it 'live forever'.""