Corey came home a day early from hunting! So he's been around as I've been slowly wending my way through the day with the intent to pack interspersed with frequent naps. I'm happy that I got to see him before I take off for a week, but it would have been okay had we missed each other like we thought we were going to as well.

I was in bed, just on the edge of slipping into the depths of real sleep after a phone call had awoken me, and I heard the front door open amidst shuffling sounds and a muted jangling of keys. Confession: I can't stand to be encumbered by layers of fabric when I sleep, so I didn't feel that I could jump up to investigate in naught but my birthday suit! I lay there drowsily alert, trying to decipher activity based on the carrying sounds when Corey breezed into the room, all salty, sweaty woodsmoke smell and smiles, bending over the bed to kiss me. It was a warm kiss, but something was awry-- he was eating  licorice!!! (I despise and detest licorice, especially the black kind! Oh, and he knows this quite well.) I determinedly kissed him anyway, but exclaimed afterward how cruel and gross he was, and he grinned and laughed and got a kick out of that.

The day has been a long, slow one. Much resting on my part, and the essential absence of any kind of deadline for being packed or leaving today has been a welcome knowledge. I fell in the shower today when I tried to sit on the stool I have. It slipped out from underneath me and I crashed down, banging my back on the edge of the stool's wooden seat and wrenching my hip a bit. I suppose I shrieked amidst the resounding thump and crash of the fall, so Corey came in to see if I was okay and found me huddled on the floor of the tub, unable to get up by myself and curled in a painful little ball repeating my mantra of "Owwwww, owwwww, ouch, owwww….!" He helped pull me to my feet and I was suddenly incredibly grateful that he'd come back a day early.

My sister in law accompanied me to dinner with the friends of mine that I celebrate the Anniversary with, and we all had a nice early supper at Olive Garden to celebrate the Anniversary. Everyone got along well, which is good. I was not really worried because C is a very charismatic and personable person, but she's not religious at all and my friends are, so I was hoping there wouldn't be a clash of interests or basic world views. We stayed away from the religion topic, though, and all was hale and hearty.

After coming home and all relaxing with books and television shows of choice for a while, I convinced Corey to come cuddle with me as I was going to be falling asleep for a bit (maybe the whole night, maybe just a few hours? I have no clue at this point, though I'm rather hoping for a whole night's sleep). We lay there in the dark for a bit, talking about his hunting trip and how it went, but soon the conversation ebbed away and I found myself dozing off. Just about then Corey got up and left the bed and I was very disappointed that he'd get up and leave just as I as falling asleep. What a super awkward moment to disappear, right? I vocalized my disappointment, but it turns out that he was just closing the door that had been propped open so the cats could come and go as they please. He came back to bed to be with me again and, well, all I have to say is that conjugal relations are awesome, and even if it's been a long time and you feel like a broken record by coming on to your partner again and again without apparent success, keep at it. Keep at it only if you mean it, though; when the time is right a lovely experience will unfold.

I'm gonna come straight out with an honest, brutal truth here that some people may find uncomfortable talking about: stress kills sex drives, and lowers intimacy if you let it. Truthfully, it has been a long time between the last time we were intimate and this time, and that's because we are frazzled a great deal of the time. Sex involves and requires a lot of emotions, and a lot of energy too, and when you're dealing with a mountain of stress being poured over you like a thick, viscous pudding it's really hard to dig up the motivation to do something that isn't "vegging", you know? For me, having sex actually helps me to cope with stress better and it alleviates my depression and anxiety to a degree, but my husband finds himself more drained by the act than I do. I'm revitalized by sex, but he is exhausted. I have a higher, more demanding libido than he does even when things are normal and especially so when things are stressful and out of sync, so that's something that we have both become aware of and keep in mind. It took communication to reach these conclusions, but there was a period of time where I was hurt and confused by his constant rebuffing of my advances; I thought that he no longer wanted me in that way because I had gotten sick, or that maybe he didn't find me attractive anymore, or that he was afraid to hurt me, or that he really just didn't care about me much. I was so wrong, but you can understand how an almost daily (or several times daily) rejection of a flirtatious sexual advance can give the impression that one is unwanted by and unattractive to the object of the flirtation.

Sex can be a huge source of assumptions, miscommunication, frustration, and simmering resentment, anger, and bitterness, and sometimes it's awkward to talk about but you just gotta do it for the health of your relationship. I'm serious. (Plus once you get the kinks worked out and both partners feel understood and validated, you can get some serious toe curling action up in there! If that isn't worth it, I don't know what is.)

Now I'm going to attempt to sleep (again, for however long) and ignore the steadily mounting pain. Falling in the shower and banging yourself up does nothing to alleviate an already worsening flare. Maybe the fatigue will overpower the pain, yeah? Funny how you can play one symptom against another to achieve a benefit to yourself, huh? The Monopoly of Illness, or some such.

Well, it's all been a nonstop fit of giggles over here, I can tell you that.

Oh, wait, what's that? Sarcasm? Yep. You caught me.

Not much happening in my life. I guess that's what happens when you're disabled… it just gets kinda boring after a while.

Oh, wait! There is one thing. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I made the decision to become re-involved with The Healing Journey now that I know it's "just fibro" and not going away and probably not getting better anytime soon. (That reminds me-- I need to recap about the profitable pain doc appointment that I'm actually happy about. I know, shocker right? A doctor's appointment that went well? I'm at a loss for words too.) I told Star that if she can give me a ride on Wednesdays I want to attend the teen girls' peer support group. I did warn her that I am not reliable or dependable by any stretch of the imagination, so don't count on me, but I want to go even if I feel terrible which I likely will. I'll just feel terrible there instead of at home. I miss being involved in something altruistic, something outside of myself. I miss giving back, giving of myself… I miss being useful.

On that note, I put my talents to good use and whipped up a flyer for the Child Abuse Prevention Fair that's coming up. Someone else had put together a flyer before I got my hands on the info, and I'll show you that one too just so you can see how the HJ is faring without my particular skill set…

A distinct difference, I should say. I'm proud, and rightfully so. Nothing wrong with being proud of a job well done.

Anyway, the sun is coming up and I'm going to try to drift off to sleep again. I managed an hour's worth of sleep earlier before I woke myself crying out from pain, but I got many hours of sleep throughout the previous day so it's not so bad. It was "one of those days", a particularly rough one for symptoms and pain, but I was fortunate enough to be able to sleep through much of it. Besides, it's not like I have anything pressing going on later anyway.

Oh, I almost forgot-- it's Drogo's birthday! He's 28 now, practically ancient. It is strange to think that, by all rights, we are both still so young and yet… this is the oldest either of us have ever been. Hmm.

There is so much more to do than what my energy or pain levels allow for. Here it is, 2 am, and the house is still not tidied and we have not bought groceries for the week. Blaaaaaaah. I also have not dyed my hair back to red yet. I'm thinking that's not going to happen before my party, as I desired. Neither have I redone my toenails or pummiced my heels like I wanted. I just need a pedicure, someone else to do it for me! Hehe.

I splurged yesterday and bought some clothing more applicable to my size at Goodwill. Got a discount from the cashier because I asked for it after she found out it was my birthday soon. It was her birthday that day, as a matter of fact!

We got the ingredients for my friend the Mermaid to make the cakes for my party tomorrow night, and we're both almost a little too happy about it ^_^ She loves to bake, I love to eat. A match made in culinary heaven.

Pain's been bad. I think it's the weather. I am so determined not to let it ruin my fun, though, if only for these few days. I know and am sure I'll pay for it, but… I can't let this illness, whatever it is, completely dictate my life. Not every day. Not all the time. I refuse to let it completely ruin my life. So, party it is. And then a trip to the big city. Oh my god, am I gonna be destroyed… and it pisses me off that I know this in advance and know that my misery will increase. Beh.

Anyway… birthday! Party! Woohoo!

I finished my invitation today and sent it out (electronically) to everyone I want to come. A few people already informed me that they won't be there, and their presence will be sorely missed, but I think it's going to be a grand, fun time. Hope we have enough dessert for everyone! Better to have too much than not enough… and whatever's left over we can freeze and I can nom on for ages to come :D Now… to figure out a prize for the colorfully sparkly winner… (And I sincerely hope that I'm feeling somewhat decent that day and not like totally laid up in bed or something!!)

My birthday is coming up. In my household growing up, birthdays are a big. deal. I mean, we're talking cake and a themed birthday party, even if it's just family. (It usually was, with a  few friends from around whatever apartment complex we lived in at the time.) With the S's, birthdays were an even bigger deal, with the newly-aged person dictating the events and menu of the entire day. When you came out to breakfast in the morning, the table was set with a lace tablecloth and the fancy dishes, and there was confetti scattered on the table and likely a ribbon or bow decorating your chair. I mean, we're talking a big deal.

Fast forward to my moving down south. The first birthday was with my grandparents and some of my friends from the local church came over, but nobody that I was really close with. I made my own (amazing) german chocolate cake, but everyone else had "normal" sheet cake. The next year (last year), I was living with C already. B and J took us out to lunch and had special plans for me. They got the sushi place to put a purple orchid on my plate and they brought out surprise mochi and green tea ice cream at the end of the meal. Also, J and I went shopping at Goodwill after lunch. That was my birthday. Very plain. Nice, but plain.

See, C was not raised celebrating holidays or, as I understand it, birthdays really. He's not the "celebratey" type, which is a shame because I'm the opposite. I'd throw a party for everything if I could! Don't have the money or the energy for that, though, sadly. But since he's not the type to celebrate, I know that if I want a good birthday I have to plan it myself. That's pretty lame, in my book, but it is what it is. I don't have the S's or H to put together a party for me, and besides, I don't think they could top my 23rd birthday party anyway. They surprised me by flying my mom out for an entire week (and J was already up there with me for her spring break!), and then they threw me a big hippie birthday party my birthday night. Oh, and I can't forget the mariachi/country song that David wrote and they woke me up with on the morning of my birthday. Have I mentioned how much I miss the S's, and H, and my life up there? Mostly I miss the people, and the opportunities for awesome and unique experiences. I had so many great life experiences that I treasure the memories of.

Anywayyyy… my birthday falls on a Saturday this year, which means that C has the day off, and I'm so happy about that! My plans and my wishes are a bit different, but my actual plans for the day are such: spend an hour or two at the antique car show going on that weekend (it's a birthday tradition for me), eat lunch and rest for a few hours, have the people that I love and care for most all over for cake, pie, and juice. That means my grandparents and great aunt (if she'll leave the house), the D's, D and J if they can make it (the snake folks), both M's, A (who graciously agreed to make my cake!!), my brother in law and his lady E, C's dad and his gf (if she's deigning to speak to me again, that is LOL), I'll see if K wants to come, and S because he's in town!! Oh, and I can't forget E and M, and I'll see if the girls from group can and want to come as well. It's been TOO LONG since I've seen them. Oh, and C. Can't forget her. (By the way, I'm going to be making the switch to code names here soon… it will be so much easier for reading purposes, I think, than initials. Less confusion. I know a lot of J's.) I might be forgetting a few people right now, but I'll be making a list (and checking it twice, hah!) and running it past C to make sure I don't forget anything.

So that's the plan. What I'd like to do is slightly different… well, not different, because I really want to do the above. (Maybe I'll do something silly like make it a sparkle party and ask everyone who comes to wear something sparkly or brightly colored? Best dressed gets a prize! Oh my goodness, yes… I think that has to happen, despite C's inevitable protests. I need to have some fun in my dreary existence!) What I'd like for my birthday (though it wouldn't all fit in one day, or even be feasible necessarily):
-Get a massage from Brenda/Belinda (can't remember her name) at the massage clinic.
-Go Goodwill shopping and get some adorable "big girl" clothes: a cute shirt, a couple pairs of comfy pants, a pair of gym shorts, a dress that doesn't require a bra that I can throw on when I leave the house.
-Get gussied up and go out to eat.
-Bookstore browsing and buy a book.
-Get new lingerie and have hot sex with my husband.
-Forget the lingerie-- have hot sex with my husband!
-A task force to swoop in and set up my craft room for me so it's useable.
-Try out that Juiced place.
-Eat a turkey sandwich- lettuce (no mayo, alas, but I think my salad dressing will do!), tomato, turkey, maybe some cucumber… all on toasted bread. (Bread! Sweet, nutty, deliciously chewy bread! *sigh* I'm in lust with bread.)
-Get a pedicure.
-Have a cleaning service come and thoroughly deep clean my house.
-Get a cute new haircut and re-dye it red.
-Get another set of ear piercings.

Simple wishes, I suppose. I won't get most or any of them, simply because of financial constraints, but it's nice to dream, eh? I won't be decorating the house at all, probably, for the cake and pie fest, but I am going to have C help me clean it the day before so it's at least decent. Maybe I can wrangle some other folks into helping us, too… guilt trip them about it being my birthday weekend so they can deny me nothing ;)

So a Lite Brite Sparkle Party with cake and pie and yes I'm going to eat REAL cake this year you guys! I'm SO excited. So, so, so excited. I haven't had real cake since… since… um… Well, that german chocolate cake I made for myself a few years back was bomb, and you couldn't even tell it wasn't "real", so I'm just going to count that as the last time I had a good piece of cake. Even M, who is a chef, couldn't tell that it was super allergy friendly! Anyway, I'm excited about celebrating my birthday with those I know and love. I don't expect presents at all, I just want to eat cake with them and hang out. Maybe I'll say, "in lieu of presents, please donate to the Celebirthsary fund so that the couple can enjoy their first anniversary in style!". That would be a good present; a fun Celebirthsary weekend. I know it would really cheer C up if we were able to buy something while there. He's bummed because we're only going to be able to sightsee this trip, with maybe a small souvenir here or there, but nothing substantial… like a weapon. He likes buying weapons at the Faire, and who could blame him? They are well made and fairly priced. You can't find that kind of thing around our town.

(I just told C about the Lite Brite Sparkle party. He seemed dubious. He said he was going to wear his blue shirt, and I said that it wasn't even bright or sparkly at all. He laughed and said he was going to come in last! Funny guy.)

I made an appointment to go back and see my pain doctor this Monday. A week of this is hard enough (but I've been so good about taking my meds exactly as prescribed! Go me!), and I don't want to do 3 more. Maybe there's another pain med that will help me, oh I dunno… not be bedridden? Pain upon moving and exertion is one thing, but crazy bad pain from just being awake is really, really annoying. And this new aspect of my bones feeling like they're on fire? So over that. (Side note: I sincerely hope that this trip is less eventful than this past Monday's. I don't need any more crazy stories just now.)

Right. So. I wish I had other things to talk about besides my being in sick and in pain. I really do. I'm sure people get tired of hearing about it. I'm tired of hearing about it! I am tired and hurting and cranky and not feeling well, though, so I refuse to indulge anyone but myself. I wish I had some ice cream. I mean hey, if I'm gonna get fat I might as well do it deliciously, right? (On an only slightly bitter note, I am totally eating less than I used to. It's a fact. Consuming less calories and all that. So there, overweight doctor who is telling me I need to eat less because I'm headed towards being overweight. Suck it.)

Guess I'm still kinda cranky today. I can't sleep lying down these past few days cause it hurts too much, so I've been spending my nights propped up on the couch. It lets me get some sleep, but not much, and the quality isn't that great. Naps are great, though. Also, I haven't had sex in probably 2 weeks, maybe more. I wish I were exaggerating. I keep asking C for it, but he keeps putting me off. I think he just doesn't want to hurt me, and I've been really sick.

Please make a note of this, so that at my funeral you can make sure the eulogy includes the fact that what finally drove Cassandra over the edge and made her leap from a tall building was that the pain took away her sex life. (Just kidding. I totally wouldn't leap to my death. I'm afraid of heights! No, no, I've got it all planned out, and heights are not the way I'd go.)

I plan to try to jump my husband's bones today. We'll see how successful that is. I am still pretty sick, and in some pretty serious consistent pain… but endorphins! And seratonin! And oxytocin! And natural analgesic properties!! Until then, I'm watching Catching Fire and trying to distract myself  long and/or well enough to perhaps nap a bit. Another downside of sleeping on the couch, besides the fact that I don't get to cuddle C, is that the cats--Coraline in particular--see it as an open invitation to pet themselves on me and wake me up. Also my mouth falls way open when I'm asleep sitting upright and it dries out and tastes terrible. Who likes that?

It feels weird to be so irritable. I'm not usually like this. I'd rather go back to being happy-go-lucky. I said something to C the other day about some tentative plans we have for a few months from now, tossing out there that, "Maybe I'll be better by then!!" C laughed at me and said that my optimism never fails to amaze and amuse him. He doesn't know, though. Maybe I will be better by then. Maybe.

A girl can dream.

(Btw, if you want to watch Catching Fire online, I found it here. It lags a little, but I think that may just be my internet. I reduced it to 360p and it seems to be doing better; the picture quality is not really affected.)

So today we plan to go visit the local ren faire. I'm inordinately excited, as I always am when it comes to renaissance-themed events. I plan to wear my green dress (the one I initially bought to get married in), and, joy of joys, I can get away wearing it without supportive undergarments! Freeeeeedom.

My friend K devised an ingenious sling of nylon webbing, carabiners, and something that looks like a wire baking rack. It loops over the handlebars of my walker so that I can rest my feet up off the ground and be pushed on the Chariot. It's a foregone conclusion that I am not up to walking around a dusty fairground for hours. I woke up with pretty severe back pain, especially low back pain, so even getting to the kitchen from the couch is a bit of a challenge for me today. I saved pain killers especially for today, though. I will not miss out on more things, just because I'm sick! I'm already having to miss K's wedding, although that's really more of a financial thing than anything else… I missed being able to spend a week with J and had to content myself with just a few hours. I had to give up my job completely this past week (which my heart is still crying about)… no. I draw the line at ren faires. As long as I have someone willing to push me, I will force myself to stay upright and conscious long enough to at least make a pass through. I do have to make a point to take pictures of the ingeniously designed sling, though. Many people have asked for them.

Despite the high pain levels, I am feeling a bit cheery today, probably because I'm expectant about my adventure. I need to shower, but I'm feeling so buoyant that I may decide to do my makeup as well! I've compiled some really neat eyeshadow tutorials on Pinterest, and I've been dying to try one of them out. So far, though, I've not had the energy or the occasion. Seeing as how C recently laid himself down to sleep and won't be up again until 1 pm, I've got hours, so I can take my time and just do a little bit at a time. Once the sun comes up, I will bring my makeup out into the living room and set myself up a little makeup studio. Maybe I'll put on one of my favorite animated movies while I do that. I'd like to re-do my toenails, too, but that is not going to happen today. Too much back and ribcage pain for me to be bent at the waist for more than a few seconds. Besides, sparkly nail polish doesn't ever look abominable, even when it's chipped. Plus I'll be wearing boots.

Oh! Oh! My friend L, who moved to the East coast, is in town this week! She showed up the other night and surprised me :) It was really nice. I was feeling pretty awful (that was after I'd been throwing up, but was recovering), but she already knew the status of my health so there was no pressure. We hung out on the couch together, watched Pirates of the Caribbean, and chatted up a storm. Heyyyy… maybe she'll come back over and do my toenails for me? I'll be seeing her at the faire today, as well.

So far my tactic of drugging myself senseless with sleep aides and Benadryl has worked. I've slept a lot, and it has helped me to stretch out my remaining pain pills further than I ever anticipated. I'm really proud of myself for making it this far. It's been miserable, to be sure, but I'm still here, and I made it work. Now, to just make it to Monday morning… God, I hope they give me a script. I've been keeping track of my pain, (the new blog, remember?), I keep track of when I take my pills, and I've got the timeline of my symptoms and pain, so it's pretty clear that I'm legit. Not to mention the fact that M will be with me and I won't be alone, so I have someone who's seen my sickness firsthand and has taken care of me. She can add valuable perspective, and help me to advocate for myself. I couldn't find anyone else to take me up there on Monday, though I asked around, so she will be skipping out early on the last bits of the ren faire (she's staff there) and driving me up at butt-thirty in the morning. We'll be leaving by 3:30, I believe the plan is.

Have I mentioned that I'm terrified? I'm so scared that they will refuse to help me… or worse yet, want to help me but be unable to. I'm scared that I'll be labeled as a drug-seeker, as a faker, that I won't be taken seriously, and that I will be condemned to try to live with this pain as best I'm able. This is, essentially, my last hope at this point. These are the people who can help make my life livable and bearable. Whether or not I am able to control my pain dictates whether or not I'll be able to participate in life again, to hold down a job, to drive myself places, to have fun adventures, to have sex with my husband, to keep my home in order, to exercise and help my body to be as healthy as it can… It all kind of hinges on what goes down this Monday. And that, my friends, is terrifying.

This is "David" the plant, and the lily that bloomed today.

I've been anxiously awaiting the blooming of this particular flower. I sincerely hoped that it would open before I took off to go see the fam, and I was rewarded today for my patience and hope. I texted all of the S's to tell them about it, and then I went to D's fb page and left him this message:

"I have a plant named "David". Actually, it's a collection of plants, all in one basket. It was at your memorial service, and the ladies didn't have room to take it back to Id with them. Actually, I wanted it anyway, since I didn't have anything to connect me with you, really. K got your guitar, J got your Bible and I got...? I know I'm not your real daughter, but I still wanted something of yours to hold and remember you by.

Well, the plant is flourishing. I feel like it's fitting, since you were such a plant guy, that my connection to you should be plants. It's doing so well, in fact, that it sent up a flower, a pure white lily. I've been anxiously waiting for it to open, hoping that it would happen before I left for the month. After all, I never did get to see my tulips bloom, either. Not once. But the memory of talking over the pros and cons of the various kinds with you and your obvious pride in my selections is enough for me.

It opened today. I think you'd be proud of me. Your girls and C all agree that you would, and that's enough to bring me to tears. I want you to be proud of me. I miss you. I miss you so much! I am always crying when I come on here to write to you! It's funny. But not. Because I miss you... so much. I'm glad I got to see your lily open."

The kitties love being outdoors. That's Juneaux by the table and Coraline in the "grass". (Weeds. They're weeds.) When I wake up I open the back door for them, and they come and go throughout the morning. When C wakes up I shut the door and open our bedroom window. Since it doesn't have a screen, it's become the "cat door". C has plans to get a screen for it and then cut a hole in the back door somehow and install a real cat door so they can come and go as they please. He wants to get them to the point where they go to the bathroom outside and we no longer have to have a litterbox. We'll see about that one. The ground is too hard for them to want to do their business out there, I think. Hard packed. Not diggable.

I'm slowly but surely preparing for my big trip back east. I got my packing list all spec'd out, and I wrapped/prepared for packing all of my Christmas presents last night. I also finished the sorting of the HJ's massive stash of handouts, and I will put together a binder of pertinent handouts for J to have. Hopefully it helps her. She seems to be looking forward to taking care of me while I'm there: painting my toenails for me, making me tea in the morning, cooking for me... It is going to be strange, allowing myself to be taken care of. I am so used to being the caretaker and peacekeeper for my family. I've been the second mama most of my life. And now... now I'm basically helpless. All I can do is offer emotional support and what wisdom and lessons I've gleaned through the years. Then again... everything works out alright. Maybe this is exactly what they need right now, when they're all so broken... Maybe they need someone to take care of and nurture who will love them for it, to heal the sadness within themselves. That's what Juneaux did for me while I was facing down my demons. Maybe this is just right. We shall see.

I have been much more stable emotionally these past few days. I think C was right, and that the accidental withdrawal from my antidepressants was affecting me more than I realized. It does help tremendously to stabilize me. I have also identified the trigger for this round of suicidal ideations, and that is the anxiety of running out of pain killers. I have to consciously stop myself from worrying about what will happen when I run out and thinking about trying to survive without them; I cannot think about how sick I will become and how overwhelming the pain will be. It's too much. I have worked out a few possible options to make sure that doesn't happen (all legal, thankyouverymuch), and now I will let the matter rest. I will deal with it if it comes up, but then and ONLY then.

So now I will finish my chick flick while putting together J's binder and drinking delicious tea from my bestie J. I think we've finally worked out my being able to see her after all! Suh-weet! Her family is so wonderful and understanding. I got this message from her yesterday:
"My dad's response to learning about the situation with your appointment - "Ah Birdie, we completely understand and would want her to do this at any cost.
Work something out with the airline, but if not, well, we support the industry; may it 'live forever'.""

Stay At Home Moms = Angels

I saw this video today, and it awoke an ache in my heart.

I want to be a mom. People tell me I'll make a great mom. I came close a couple of times, but lost the babies very early on.

Now, however, I watch this video and I'm terrified.

Terrified of wanting something that badly.

Terrified of the awful risk of loving someone else that much, because life is not certain but pain is inevitable. I already deal with the fear of losing my husband. I'm not sure I can handle the fear of losing a child... especially after it is born and I have known it for months and months and become attached.

Terrified that I'll never be well enough to be a mother. I saw all the moving, bending, twisting, talking, bathing, lifting, carrying, etc. that these moms are doing just as a matter of course. I know that I cannot exert that kind of energy throughout the day, much less day after day. It's just not a physical possibility for me right now. And so I have this ache in my heart... this fear that I will never be well enough to be the mother that my child would need. Is it fair to them to bring them into the world knowing full well that I can't care for them like a "normal" person would, just because I want a family? I don't know...

On the other hand, who's to say that I wouldn't still be a spectacular mom? I mean, we could bring in a nanny or something to help me with the physical side of things. It doesn't have to be conventional.

I dunno. There's just so much fear and trepidation and hope and longing wrapped up in the idea of having children... and it seems like so many of my peers are popping out babies right now. It brings the thought to the forefront of my mind.

We're not ready for kids yet; not right now. In a few years, yes. Maybe by then I'll be better.

Honestly... I'm not even sure I really want to be a mom. Not 100%, anyway. The idea is appealing, but can I really handle the reality? I'm afraid I'll regret it... and that would be the worst, for all of us.

The weekend I have planned:

Saturday
-Watch movie and make DV vigil ribbons
-Visit the library and get more movies
-Skype with J
-Doll myself up, take photographs with a sign for a friend
-Play with kitties
-Go to Classics By Moonlight concert (classical music outdoors by the light of the full moon!!!)

Sunday
-Browse the newly opened Farmer's Market
-Tidy the house
-Watch movie, make more ribbons if need be, make earrings if not.
-Play with kitties
-Skype with J?
-Call my mom
-Give kitties a bath

The weekend as it will probably go down:

Saturday
-Watch movie, make a few vigil ribbons
-Skype with J
-Doll myself up, take photographs
-Concert
-Hold down couch/bed/pay for the active day

Sunday
-Pay for Saturday
-Play with kitties
-Watch movie
-Hold down couch/bed/continue to pay

Thank the high heavens that my GP gave me a script for pain meds, because even after 3 days in a row of contacting my rheum I never heard back from her. This, after she has told me two visits in a row that if I'm having a hard time in between visits with my pain or going into crisis not to self-medicate but to call her. Hmm. It was going to be a special kind of hell, going into the super busy DV vigil week with all of my speaking engagements and such with no pain killers.

(I was worried about not being able to get it filled, like that whole fiasco I had a couple of months back, but they filled it with no problems and no questions. I hate going for pain pill refills because I always have this horrible feeling (not from anything they do, really, just because) of being a druggie and that they're going to refuse me my meds and I'm going to have to try to eke out an existence without them... and the thought is absolutely horrifying. I think it has to do with my experience with that jerk pharmacist who wouldn't fill my prescription even though he was supposed to. He is the head pharmacist of that place, so he's god apparently... I really dislike him. Clearly.)

Anyway, here's an excerpt from an email I wrote J in the wee hours of the morning. It's nice to know that even delirious from lack of sleep (couldn't sleep 'cause pain and ptsd stuff), I can form intelligent run-on sentences. :)

"But when I visited my general practitioner today, we had a really good conversation. She brought out the connection between my autoimmune diseases and my insufficient adrenals, telling me that the insufficient adrenals makes it harder for me to fight the autoimmune stuff, and also the meds to fight the immune stuff are immune suppressants, and my body has a hard time handling that because it's already deficient in stress-handling materials. Also, she pointed out that my weight gain can partially be attributed to the steroids that I'm on for the adrenals (which I can't get off of, handily enough, or it could make me seeeeriously sick-- I should be getting my medic alert bracelet for adrenal insufficiency, food and adhesive allergies soon!) and the fact that I'm now pretty much completely sedentary due to the pain. The meds have some to do with it, but the sedentary lifestyle is the bigger part. She did make it a point to emphasize that I'm still within healthy BMI limits, just heavier than I was a year ago by 30 lbs. She completely believes me about the autoimmune (and brings it up and points out connections between symptoms at every single appointment), supports me in my decision to switch rheumatologists (she even said that she hopes this new doctor is more aggressive in treating my autoimmune problems because we can't just hang on to an undiagnosed connective tissue disease label forever and call it good, especially since I'm just continuing to decline and not even in a holding pattern), and told me that I've had a special place in her heart ever since she first saw me because I'm so young and suffering from so many different problems. 

It really just kills her that I'm in so much pain and so sick at this stage in my life. She travels a lot, so I think she is looking at me and seeing my opportunities for adventure completely disappeared, much less a typical fulfilling life for a twenty-something... you know, a family and work and such. I really enjoy visiting her, because she genuinely cares and really wants to do everything in her power to figure out what's wrong and to help make it right. That's what I want out of a rheumatologist, but I'm not getting. She even said that my symptoms and diseases are beyond her scope of practice, but she'd help me if she could. I wish she could. She was the one who discovered that my titers were elevated ("very high!") and sent me off to the rheum where I got my fibro diagnosis right off the bat. She's been the aggressive tester and treater, and I hardly ever see her. My endocrinologist is a religious tester as well, and I only see her every 2 or 3 months. I get more tests done from these two than I have my entire year with the rheum, and they're supposed to be the ones figuring out what the heck is wrong with me! Shoot, I saw the neurologist all of two times, and he did more tests than the rheum had in the entire year to figure out the problem. Why did I not see this sooner? I guess I just like to assume the best about people, assume that they're working to their utmost capacity... I sure hope this new practice accepts me. They can decline me, after all."

I think that says it all. Very wordily.

I figure it's high time I wrote about the wedding and the surrounding events, before the rapid pace of life whirls me too far away to remember anything that happened.

The weeks leading up to the wedding were fairly peaceful. C insisted that I pace myself, learn to "rest" and "relax", whatever that means. (It meant I did a lot of sitting around, bored out of my mind, is what it meant!) As the wedding drew closer, though, I became very grateful for those rest periods, because the heat started turning up.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle a ton of stress, so I deliberately planned my wedding tasks in such a way that by the time the week before the wedding came, I would have practically nothing to do. I am certainly glad that I did, because last minute tasks cropped up by the dozen! In addition to finishing up last minute details, my family arrived a few days before the wedding. Of course, I wanted to spend time with them, plus I still had school to attend to, so I was bouncing all over the place, trying to keep my bases covered. Fortunately for me, C had the week before the wedding completely off of work, which was a huge blessing. He was able to help me accomplish tasks and even take care of things that I was unable to handle myself. (Like the day he did my laundry for me, because I had to be out at work/school all day and knew I'd be exhausted by the time I made it home.) I could really get used to having him around more often, I tell you...

The week before the wedding was a blur. Those extended rest periods? Gone by the wayside. My family was in town, I was working, going to school, trying to coordinate a bunch of people and recover from our weekend trip out of town, all at the same time. I really don't remember much of it, frankly, except that I was tired a lot, and I was in pain a lot. I do remember taking R with me to my acupuncturist so that he could see and understand for himself what we're trying to accomplish, and so that she could explain the necessity for such intense and prolonged (and expensive!) treatment to him firsthand.

The Thursday before the wedding, we met with our officiant to go over the ceremony and make sure that we were all on the same page. The S's and H were scheduled to get in that day, somewhat late I thought. Turns out they showed up while we were with our officiant, so we had to run over there and settle them into the house they'd be staying at. It was empty at the time, because I was housesitting for the owners, so having people there full time really took a burden off my mind. Plus they fed the dogs for me! After getting them squared away, C and I went back to our errands.

When I walked out the door that Thursday morning, I had a plan of attack in my mind, and I knew just how the day was going to go. Cash a check, go shopping for a last minute "thank you" gift with my mom and the girls in the morning, hit my acupuncture appointment, meet our officiant, rest a bit, then welcome the girls to their "new home". Yeah, not so much... I walked outside to find that my car had a completely flat tire! And then, on top of that, Mom was running about an hour late. (Not abnormal at all.) We just had time to pick up what I needed before we had to race back to make my appointment on time. Then came the officiant's meeting, followed by the mad dash to let the girls in, and then a trip to get my tire fixed. That took a good chunk of time, and after that I had to stop by the pharmacy and get my prescription straightened out, which also took a good hour or so. By the time we made it home, I'd been going for like, 8 hours straight, and I was a zombie. I had run out of spoons hours before, but I forced myself to keep going, because what else can you do?

Friday came, full of lounging by my parent's hotel room pool, putting together favors, and just generally having a pretty good time. It was nice, and we got most of the last minute stuff squared away. I sucked it up and asked for help from my minions, since they were all so eager to make sure that I was resting and relaxing and not wearing myself ragged. (Pride. It's hard for me to ask for help, since I "should" be able to do some of these things myself, right?) J baked our special cupcakes, K cleaned my bathroom, and H worked on wedding stuff.

Saturday was the day before the wedding, and the stress was back on. Mom came over after church to play around with my hair and makeup, and we baaaaarely got me figured out before it was time to dash over to the park for the rehearsal. I was fine, up until we had to actually go through the motions and say the words that we'd be saying the next day. I felt like I was going to throw up, or pass out, or any combination of the two. I really, really did not want to be getting married the next day. (The photographers noted in later conversation that they could tell, because apparently the expressions on my face mirrored my inside emotions. Greaaaaaat. I really want that recorded for posterity!)

As we were pulling into the park for the rehearsal, I got a phone call from the bakery. The nice baker lady was calling to inquire if I'd be coming to pick up my cake, since they were closing for the weekend in half an hour. Needless to say, I died a little inside, but I assured the nice baker lady that someone was supposed to be in charge of picking up the cake, and I was sure she was on her way. I then hung up and put it out of my mind, since there was absolutely nothing I could do about the situation. If we didn't have cake, we didn't have cake. Oh well.

After the rehearsal, C and I headed out to dinner with some of his family, and I really enjoyed myself. I was able to find something to order straight off of the menu, with no alterations or substitutions! WOW.  That, like, never happens. I was pretty thrilled, and it turned out to be delicious... if not entirely healthy. (Chicken wrapped in bacon and topped with melted cheese? No?) While we were out to dinner, my minions were at my place, frosting cupcakes. Mom was there doing something too, but I can't remember what.

I was surprised that I was able to sleep at all the night before the wedding, but C and I cuddled right up to each other and I drifted off with remarkable ease.

The wedding day is a whole entire post on its own, so I'll stop here.

I will say, however, that I was thrilled to have as many family and friends be able to make it for my wedding as did. There was so much emotional rollercoastering going on in the weeks and months prior to the wedding as I found out that certain beloved folks could/could not come... I finally just went numb and accepted that whatever was going to happen was going to happen and I just couldn't spare the emotions for it anymore.

Spending time with my family and the girls was definitely a highlight of the days leading up to the wedding, for sure. I guess that, no matter how far away I move, I'll always be a homebody of sorts at heart.

I came to a decision this morning.

Sure, it's fast, but I'm a pretty fast decision maker as a generality. I like things to happen now!

Anyway, I may go into this more later (I'm hurtin' right now, and not really in zee blogging mood), but I have decided that I will, in fact, postpone the massage therapy program for a year.

I'm postponing, not quitting. And it's a mature, thought-out decision, not a failure.

I just don't want to make a bunch of progress towards getting my health straightened back out and then go into a big ol' relapse because I pushed it too hard, too soon. I'm trying to look more at the long-term, and I think that this is the best decision I can make for myself right now.

I talked to C this morning about my thoughts last night, and the possible options, and all that stuff. He's behind me no matter what I choose, but the big epiphany for me was realizing that even if I'm "just" a housewife, he's fine with that. I have the freedom to choose what's best for me, and he's okay with whatever I decide. That is very freeing. To know that he will neither think less of me nor resent me for not "pitching in"... that allows me to make a decision based on what is really the best, rather than a decision motivated by the fear of rejection or other emotions.

Also... this means I can go to J's wedding! I would be lying if I didn't say that this was a slight motivating factor in my plans... But now we can combine the "let's go get my cat and the rest of my stuff" trip with J's wedding, so that's perfect. I'm starting to save up already.

I have other things I can focus on to keep me occupied while I really work on getting myself to a healthy place. It reminds me of what I went through in Id with the S's... I kinda dinked around and kept myself occupied with work of various sorts while I put a lot of focused energy into healing emotionally and mentally from the past abuse. Now that I've advanced much further emotionally, it's time to focus on advancing physically.

Honestly, I do feel relieved having come to an actual decision. This question of "but can you do the massage program?" has been brought up to me many times through the past few months by many different people. I brushed them off as party poopers, determined to charge headfirst into the challenge and prove myself a Mighty Fibromyalgia Warrior. However... I'm thinking at this point that maybe discretion is the better part of valor. I'm still a Warrior... but taking a different tack.

The best part? I feel good about this decision. I believe I'm doing the right thing, and I feel peaceful and settled. I can see that my reasons are good ones, and that I am doing this for good reasons, so I am not afraid. (Much.) Also? It's my life, and it doesn't matter if anyone else agrees or disagrees, frankly. As long as I (and C, since he has a stake in this now) am okay with it and believe I'm on the right path, well... that's what really matters.

Today is usually my busiest day of the week to begin with, so I'm a little apprehensive as to whether I'll make it through in decent form...

Yesterday was an open day-- work canceled, nothing else planned but group-- yet I was flat on my back with pain, fatigue, and nausea by 7:30. I had to leave group early, and the pain was so bad throughout the evening that by bedtime that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep. I slept like a log, though, thank goodness!

Yesterday was a tough pain day. I took more pain killers than usual, and was contemplating taking more at bedtime when the pain was so bad.

But today... today we're meeting with the mortgage company to discuss our options for buying the house (since all that went to hell in a handbasket rather quickly, through no fault of ours), I've got two classes and work today, and then... and then...

My family arrives tonight!!!

Yes, that I'm excited about :D I love my family dearly, so it's been hard to only see them once a year.

When they arrive, they'll be heading over to BJ and F's house to see them before they leave early tomorrow morning for M.

Yes, today is going to be a loooooong day... but so worth it.

Tomorrow, I've got my 2nd acupunture appointment, C and I meet with the officiant, and I'll definitely be hanging out with the family. Oh, and did I mention that the girls and H roll in tomorrow? Yeah! So exciting!

Friday, we'll all be hanging out and swimming at Mom and R's hotel pool, I'm sure. Cupcakes need to be made, H and I need to put our heads together and make sure we're solid for the big day, but other than that, "girls just wanna have fun." Oh, yeah, and my pre-wedding massage is set for Friday, too. I'm SO looking forward to that! (My yoga teacher is the practitioner, and she's pretty much freakin' amazing.)

Saturday, the girls want to go to church and I do not, so while they're at church I'm going to go get my manicure and pedicure. We need to decorate the cupcakes and write on my chalkboard signs, but that's all the wedding prep that needs to happen, except for maybe steaming my dress. Mom and I need to run through my hair and makeup sometime before the wedding, but I don't know what day that's going to happen. We've got the rehearsal Saturday afternoon, and then we're free to do as we like.

I've been debating whether or not to spend the night before the wedding with C, but I dunno... I really want to spend a night with the girls, but it totally doesn't have to be the night before the wedding! As a matter of fact, because of my cold feet and C's remarkable ability to calm me down (and also because all of my meds/food/fibro fighting gear is already at home), it might be best if I spent the night before at home, with C. I can spend Thursday or Friday night over at the place where the girls are staying. I think that's what I'll do.

Sunday, it all breaks loose. My photographer suggested that, because it's Easter, we set up suuuuuper early so that no churches have a chance to horn in on our flat, grassy spot. I was thinking 9 am to begin setup and decorating, she was thinking 7 am. So, happy compromise? Get up at 7, set up some chairs with signs on them that say "Reserved for J-R Wedding" and go back to bed!! lol

Wow. So soon. I somehow felt that I'd have more days with my family and the girls before the wedding, but it's really only a couple. The girls have to leave the day after, with the exception of J, who is flying out right after the ceremony to catch school the next day, but my family is staying an extra couple of days. I'm looking forward to that. Post wedding chilling with my beloved family, and the bonus is that the week after the wedding is my spring break! No classes! Sweeeeeeet.

And it is now time to wake C up and begin the very, very long day that I hope I'll get through alright. I hope I get through all of them alright! I've been a very good girl, so I hope that this hard work pays off. Even if it doesn't... my support system is amazing, and they all understand :) I love that.

Also, with all the stuff going on, and all the people that I love so much around me, I'm almost certainly going to be totally AWOL from the blog world, unless I have something particularly pressing to get off of my chest.

See you on the other side. I'll be Mrs. R. What will you be? ;)

Had my endoscopy today. It went well, though it did screw me up some.

Didn't destroy me (yet) like the colonoscopy, but the longer the day wears on, the worse I feel.

My theory is that, while they have you knocked out, they actually hit you with a bus. Feels plausible. :)

In other (good) news, the ladies of the HJ are throwing me a bridal shower in two weeks!

Also, J sent me a package that contained my birthday/wedding gift, and it arrived today. Know what it was?

*drumroll please*

A camera! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Not only have I missed having a camera very much, but I was feeling the lack as I looked forward to my honeymoon. How was I going to capture our joy and fun and share it with others? Well, now I can!

Also, on a practical note, I needed a camera for the Etsy venture I have planned. Sweet.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I have amazing people in my life that take such, such good care of me, I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude. Even on my darkest, pain-filled days, I always know that I am incredibly loved and cared for. (It's on the shaky days when my self-confidence and self-worth are somewhere below the earth's crust that I doubt this, simply because I wonder why people would care about me and what I could possibly contribute to their lives that would cause this?)

Also, my spoon earrings came today! I will take a picture (now that I have a camera, hehe) and proudly show off my spoony ears.

Oh, and one more amazing thing? I made my birthday wishes known, so tomorrow S and one of our friends M are going to deep clean the apartment, because I no longer can. That is... awesome. And M gave me twenty bucks, because he totally didn't know what to get me and knew that I know myself well enough to buy what I want. Too funny! So I think I'm going to buy another pair of comfy yoga pants, a cute dress (both from Goodwill, although there is a really cute lace dress I keep seeing at Walmart...), and maybe another pair of dangly earrings. They're seriously my new addiction. Or maybe a new cd of music for myself... I've been meaning to clean out my car's cd case. Oooh! I can invest in a new tower of burnable cd's! I somehow lost my stack of blank cd's, and I've been super bummed about that. Yeah... yoga pants, a cute dress or top, mb some dangly earrings, and blank cd's. Happy birthday, me!

(It's funny how, when the people around you don't make a big deal about your birthday, it really isn't a big deal anymore. Living with the S's, birthdays were an event, a cause for celebration! Now that I'm on my own, it's less of an event... just kind of like a passing slightly-better-and-more-important-than-normal day... which is okay. That's where I'm at right now. That may change in the future, but it's okay for now. I'm looking forward to making my child's birthday a cause for celebration, though. Anything, really, to break out the good glasses and celebrate! ^_^)

Ah! Almost forgot! We have our house inspection on Friday. I'm holding my breath... (And then we'll go out to lunch for my bday with our friends who are now moving super soon at one of my favorite sushi places. You know I'm gonna get all dolled up! I love an excuse to dress up. Maybe I'll wear my new cute dress?)

Today was a big day. I'm thoroughly exhausted.

Achievement! I fell asleep early and slept through the night, with only one wake-up-and-use-the-bathroom-break. (Usually I have at least 3 or 4). I woke up early, and it was nice. I feel better when I do the early to bed, early to rise thing, so I think I'll be sticking to that more. The only downside is that I see C much less.

We went and saw a house this morning. It's nice, but smaller than we'd prefer, buuuut... considering the price and the neighborhood it's in, it's a steal. The next house for sale in that neighborhood is a full $20,000 more, and prices are still rising! So after careful thought and deliberation, C decided to go for it, and I was totally on board. It's move in ready, and I know we can be quite comfortable there, despite the, uh, coziness. It's not that I was simply giving in to my impatience, either; considering how many crappy listings we have to go through to get a decent one, we need to jump on a good house when we see one. Plus it's already graveled in front like we want, and has a high block wall in the back, which is super important to C. Also, there's some pressure to get locked into a contract before April 1st, because some things are changing in the legislation of how some stuff works (nothing big, don't freak), and it would be better for us to have bought before then. So we signed.

After picking up some sushi for lunch, we headed back home. C has overtime today, though it's usually his day off, but I was headed off to the antique car show. I wanted him to come with me, but alas... he doesn't exactly get to control his schedule. I was already a bit tired by this point, after seeing the house and running errands and doing paperwork all morning, but this car show is only one weekend, and I love going. It's important to me.

So I headed out, walker in tow. I did get a little sunburnt, but that just means that winter is over! Yay! I loved seeing all the various makes and models of cars from throughout the years. I even saw the oldest street legal car in America! It was basically a box with wheels, a stick for steering, and a horn strapped on the side. It had headlights and such, but it didn't even have a windshield! I suppose it doesn't really need one, because it tops out at 35 mph... Still, pretty cool. I believe it was from 1918.

I spent about an hour and a half there, and by the time I was done I was really, really exhausted. I made it home and collapsed into bed with a bowl of applesauce, a glass of juice, a bottle of water, my computer, and my phone. Everything a gal needs :)

I took a very short nap a little later on, and I feel perky enough to pop in a movie and work on some wedding stuff. Some of the guys are over playing video games, and they're so. loud. It's annoying, but I know that I'm just hyper-sensitive right now because of my fatigue. They're really no louder than normal. It's just me. lol. So I've closeted myself away in the room.

Also, I texted our realtor after I woke up, and come to find out... they accepted our offer!! We open escrow on Monday! We're buying a house!

If it all goes smoothly, we should be closing a few days after our honeymoon. So... a month, basically. 5 weeks? Yeah.

It's gonna be a heck of a month! We've already got the inspection scheduled for this coming week. (On my birthday, in fact... Happy birthday! Here's a house! lol)

So it was a good day, despite pain and such. (After my massage yesterday, my legs started aching and aching soooo badly... but fortunately, the heating pad I ordered came in the mail yesterday, so I put it to good use!) It was a big day! A day that shall forever live in infamy! Oh, wait...

Okay, so funny thing about how plans work out... they sometimes don't.

I went to bed all early and stuff... but I can't stay asleep. I'm waking up every hour or so, and now I'm just not tired anymore. (It could be the pain...? But it's not that bad! But bad enough to where I can't sleep in certain positions... I dunno. Whatevs. I took a tramadol and hopefully that will help me knock back out. Gotta do what you gotta do.)

Anyway, as I was drifting off the first, second, and third times, I was thinking about a few things... one of them being how my friend H encouraged me in my writing today. She sent me a message that went thusly:

"So for the whole month of February I've been trying to write one stinkin page on my courtship website and have been having the hardest time doing a page about the Proverbs 31 woman. I thought to myself, I bet I could ask C what she would write and she could come up with a really good intro in like two seconds. Just thinking about talking to you or asking for your help INSPIRED me! Seriously. 

I just finished reading this blog post (SUPER GOOD BLOGGER!) and I just HAD to tell you that you REALLY have a gift for writing. With your fibro thing going on and having low energy and all, you can really make an impact on this world through writing. That IS your gift. I like following your blog - largely because I care about you, largely because it educates me in my pursuit to be a good counselor, but another large factor is that it's just well written!"

Yes, well... clearly, it meant a lot to me. A lot. (And I hope you don't mind my sharing it, H!) And the funny thing is that I've been thinking lately about how I can make a contribution to the world now that I'm so "diminished" in other ways... It's like, "Okay, my definition of productivity has totally been turned on its head. How can I still be productive without judging myself on what I accomplish on a daily basis?" Writing could be it. I don't know what that will look like, exactly, but I feel that my feet are set on that path, and I'm slowly but surely walking toward something. I've felt that way for a little while now, and it's kinda exciting. Hard, 'cause you know me and waiting for stuff, but exciting.

That led me to begin thinking about other ways I can reach out and make a difference (while making a living), and the idea for an Etsy store came to me while I was drifting.

Okay, related side note: S has found a place to live and will be moving out within the next few weeks. That means that we'll have a spare bedroom, and C said that I can have it to move all of my crafty stuff (and wedding stuff) into! That means that I'll actually get to set up my easel! So I was thinking about how, once I have a space to work in, I can start making stuff, and how therapeutic it was for me to make that spoon last week...

And that led me to thinking about creating an Etsy store that specializes in survivor awareness jewelry, keychains, bookmarks, and art. Survivors of chronic illnesses, survivors of abuse, invisible illnesses... Like, I could have a whole "line" of stuff just for and about spoonies, featuring and made of spoons, and I could even make more of those "inspirational spoons" and feature them as gifts for the spoonies in people's lives... and I could have another line of stuff related to abuse survivors... and I could also put up the art that I create in various mediums. I'm thinking of a name something along the lines of The Art of Survival, or something like that. While the majority of profits would go towards defraying my medical bills (I really want to help R out on that one!), 10% of any profits would go toward various organizations that promote awareness of and healing from chronic illnesses and abuse.

While I don't have the resources to invest in jewelry and keychain making materials, I can definitely pick up cheap, older jewelry from thrift stores and take it apart to reassemble the parts into what I desire. As far as bookmarks and art goes, well, I'm always seeing things at Goodwill and the dollar store that I'm like, "Oooh, you know what I could make out of that?"

C says that, if I think I can do it, go for it. I'm thinking that I'll wait until after the wedding to even try thinking of it. I may put it off until this summer, even, when I don't have classes. We'll see. Definitely not until after the wedding, though! I think it would be fun to try to pursue this, even if it doesn't pan out like I'd hope that it would. (Hoping to become somewhat self-sufficient, income wise!)

And for now, I'll be patient and see where my writing takes me. I feel like I can't really contribute much in the way of fibromyalgia awareness or anything until I get mine under control, you know? My diagnosis is so recent and my symptoms so unpredictable that I feel like the only thing I really understand is the "freak out" stage... and I don't even have the answers for that yet!! lol

We'll see. We'll see. For now, it's enough to just dream...

A lot has happened just in the past few days!

I was doing some research on fibro a few days ago, and learned quite a bit. This site has been a huge help in understanding my situation in layman's terms, and kinda coming to grips with the fact that, hey, I'm not the only one who goes through this! I mean, I knew that before, but it was more of an intellectual assent, rather than a realization that my struggles are shared by others. Granted, each one of us struggles uniquely, buuuuuut... I'm not as alone as I sometimes feel. (It seems that whenever I hear of others who have fibro, or meet them--which is a bit rarer-- it's either discouraging because they're totally disabled now despite their best efforts, or it doesn't really affect them and they don't understand why I have such a problem with it. Either way, I come away feeling kinda... mer. Oddly enough, the person I identify with most and draw the most courage and inspiration from are my friends with cancer!)

While researching J's gift, I ended up coming across a book that deals with sex when you've got a chronic illness. I, of course, don't seem to need much help in that area lol, but I did the "Look Inside!" feature, out of curiosity, and what I read blew me away. The section that I read was not about sex, really, but about the different "myths" about people with chronic illnesses. I ended up ordering the book, because I feel that it will help me better come to grips with my condition and not get so down on myself for being "compromised" and not being "enough".

I tell you, the Should Monster has a heyday with my illnesses, because when it whispers in my ear that I should be functioning at a higher level than I am... I agree! I want to be better than I am, and I find myself in dangerous territory. It is a constant battle to maintain hope and courage without crossing the line into Should-fueled functioning. I did overdo it yesterday, and I'm paying for it today. (I'm actually sitting in my rheumatologist's waiting room as I type this, and I'm going to tell him how badly I'm doing, and how rapidly the decline is going. I'm going to tell him that I literally cannot function without painkillers anymore, and even when I take them, it's to keep the pain at a 3 or 4 so that I can function. It doesn't take away the pain. It just makes it bearable.)

While in yoga last week, we chose an affirmation/intention to repeat as a mantra while we went through our movements that day, and I chose to repeat, "I am perfect health." I've been trying to maintain that as a mantra throughout the week, but I honestly felt like a hypocrite when I say that, because I'm not perfect health, and that's pretty obvious. So am I to deny reality in favor of wishful thinking? Then I got to thinking about what "perfect health" means, and I wonder if "perfect health" doesn't mean something different for every person? Like honoring your practice, finding your own personal, optimal balance... I dunno. Still figuring it out. But one intention that really worked for me, and that I've found coming back to me quite frequently, is one that says, "I am enough."

That's especially important for me to believe right now as I'm down so low health-wise. I mean, a One Thing A Day Rule? I could so easily run with that and kick myself into a depressive, discouraged spiral... but I won't. Because no matter where my health is at, no matter what my abilities to achieve are, I am simply enough. My being enough does not hinge on what I can or cannot do, it is because I simply  am. Even if I were in a vegetative state, dependent upon machines for the very breath in my lungs, I would still be enough. And you know what? My beloved agrees! He has proven that he will not leave my side, no matter how much or how little I can do, no matter how ill I feel, no matter that I can't take care of him in all the ways that I would like to, that I can't fulfill my dream ideal of "wife" or "partner". Nope, I am enough for him, simply because I am. He loves me, not my chores :) And that is an amazing, amazing truth to hold on to.

The same with my family. They've seen me through so many ups an downs, twists and turns... so many changes in my life and lifestyle while trying to be a good person and live a good life... but they've always just loved me, because I am enough. Whether I'm a SuperChristian or a fornicating heathen, whether I can take the dogs for a jog or have to depend on the Bling Chariot to get around, whether I cook amazing food or cook amazing food (Hehe...), they just love me, because I am enough. Me, I, just myself, I am enough. It doesn't matter what I can and cannot do. And I feel the same about each and every one of them. They are enough. They really are. So that's something that I've been hanging onto lately.

So, back to the fibro research! That was a divergence, but an important one that I needed to get out.

I realized after reading an article about fibro and pregnancy that C and I will have to be very intentional about starting a family. We can't just show up pregnant one day, because I will have to get off of all my meds prior to becoming pregnant, else they might adversely affect the baby. And we saw how that kind of thing goes with the colonoscopy, (very, very badly, if done abruptly) so I'll have to spend a good period of time weaning myself off of them, particularly the painkillers... And that means that I'll have to be in a decent place with my fibro to begin with, so right now is clearly not a good time to be considering a family! (Also, I'm not allowed to be pregnant during the massage therapy program, so it's rather impossible at this point...) So basically, we should start planning our pregnancy about a year in advance, to give me time to wean off of the meds and rely more heavily on alternative therapies to manage the pain and symptoms. It could definitely be a good thing, as I might be able to simply stay off of the meds afterward, which is my goal for some point in the future anyway... and I'll have to be off of them as long as I'm breastfeeding, of course. I did read that, though fibro does not adversely affect a pregnancy in the physical sense, it does aggravate the pregnancy symptoms that women typically experience, and I guess pregnant ladies are more prone to fibro flares. So it really could be a miserable time for me, and afterward could be pretty bad (because one of my triggers is lack of sleep, and we all know that newborns don't exactly let you lounge around in bed all day...), but I just have to decide whether it's worth it and if it's something that I really want. (I do.) C will have to step in and help balance out the domestic load for me, or we'll have to have someone come in and help for a while, like a live-in nanny or something, because I don't think that I can just hit the ground running like some moms can. It'll definitely be a planning scenario, that's for sure! No spontaneity here, lol. And while I'm on birth control for other reasons, I am very grateful for the fact that they let us decide when we want to have children. It is a distinct advantage, in our case.

And the last thing that I wanted to touch on before I get to my One Thing for today (putting away laundry and unpacking my suitcase-- I haven't gotten to it yet, because other One Things seemed to be more pressing!) is the wedding.

I was definitely disappointed to find that so many of the people that I wanted to share my big day with weren't able to come. You hear that saying about how the wedding is about the bride and groom, right? Well, for me that's not entirely true. For me, the day is about us, yes, but also about the people that I care about. That is a very important part of the occasion for me, and I felt like that was being ripped away from me, leaving me helpless and sad. Another part of it is that I have so many people that I love scattered so far and wide, and they've all impacted my life in such a huge way-- these people have helped to make me who I am today! So how can I have a celebration that is essentially about two people without honoring those who helped contribute to the forming of those two? It doesn't make sense to me. Many of these people have never met each other, and I feel like they should, because they're all puzzle pieces that make up the whole that is my heart. So I had really set a lot of hopes upon all my loved ones being there, I guess, and to not be able to do anything about them not coming, well... it was a bit tragic.

You can imagine my overwhelmed joy, gratitude, and utter shock when C (adopted mom) called me yesterday to inform me that they've been working behind the scenes and have decided that if I can give the money I'd set aside to help J travel to the wedding (which she won't be needing anymore, obviously) to them, then they will put together the rest that's needed so that H (one of my besties and my day-of coordinator) can drive down with K and J, as a wedding gift to me.

Let me repeat that in less convoluted terms.

C and D are gifting me with the presence of H, J, and K at my wedding. Sure, they're my day-of coordinator and my musicians, but they're more than that-- they're my friends, my sisters, my companions in the journey of life! They've been there for some of the hardest parts of my healing journey, and now they get to see all that hard work come to fruition as we celebrate my happy, healthy relationship. It would have been amazing for them to come without any problems, but for this gift to come from C and D makes it super, super meaningful. It's like a part of C and D will be there, because they sent my friends. They are the ambassadors of love from C and D, and I am profoundly humbled to realize that they love me that much. (And why? Because I am enough. ^_^) It literally brings tears to my eyes, because I don't know what to do with that kind of love, or even how to absorb it, really. It makes me want to just throw myself at them in service and somehow show them how grateful I am for them and how much I love them, too!

I am going to work my tail off to get this internet idea to become a reality. I know it's a possibility, but I am going to make it work! I need to be able to share this with them. My gift to them, I guess....

See how happy I am? It's because of you, what you taught me... the hope you gave me... I wouldn't have believed in happy, healthy marriages if it weren't for you two. I had no hope, but you changed all that. So see how happy we are? It's because of you. Thank you.

C and I went to the bank today to check on his finances, but we didn't have enough time to connect with a realtor's office before they all closed. I was disappointed, thinking I'd have to wait until next Friday, but C said, "No, we don't have to wait that long. I will get up early sometime this week and we can go then." I, the planner, immediately began running through our schedules... and brightly announced, "Hey, you have to get up early on Tuesday anyway, because of my colonoscopy! Let's just go to the realtor's afterward!" (The procedure only takes an hour-ish, and I remember that I was quite lucid pretty quickly after my last colonoscopy.)

So... we're going to the realtor's on Tuesday! :D :D :D

Also, I got the wedding day's schedule mapped out and sent off to our photographer, and I'm working on a list of "must have shots". J and I decided that her little boy X is going to be our flower boy, but instead of throwing flower petals he will probably be tossing a mix of plastic swords, dice, and 8-bit pixellated hearts. He'll also have a larger 8-bit heart pinned to the back of his jacket that will say something like "Here Comes The Bride". We just decided this tonight, so we're still working on it. It'll be fun, though!

The caterer and I have the menu all set, with both vegetarian and meat options, so no one needs starve but me. (Jk. I'll make something ahead of time and bring it with me, I'm sure. Maybe J and K would be willing to whip me up some pine nut lasagna? Eh? Eh? I hope you're reading this, J! lol)

This evening D, C's dad's girlfriend, took me shopping at one of our nicest department stores for shoes. We had been talking about how I have a pair of heels for the ceremony, but I wanted a pair of cute, comfortable shoes to wear during the reception. Once we got there, she told me to pick two pairs of shoes! (I wasn't allowed to look at the prices.) So I got a pair of really cute black sandals with roses down the front (and velcro straps! My favorite!), and I also picked out a pair of gorgeous silver wedges to wear for the reception. They had to be ordered in my size, because they were out of stock there. I'll get them in a few days. Upon further thought, though, I think I'm going to get rid of the heels I had gotten from Goodwill for the ceremony and just wear these the whole time. I mean, the ceremony is like 15 minutes long? Plus they're not really comfortable at all, just pretty. And they were only 7 bucks. So I'll stick with the Cinderella shoes, I think.

Then we headed over to the jewelry counter to see if there was anything I liked that I could wear with the wedding dress. We didn't find any necklaces, but she got me a pair of dainty dangly silver earrings, since I'm getting my ears pierced next week. We'll just go to another store some other time, which is no big deal. We had a fun little "girl date", and it's cool how much she and I jive. I mean, she'll essentially be my mother-in-law when C and I are married. We'll be family. So it's a good thing that we connect easily. She reminds me of Mom in many ways, and I just know that they'll get along famously.

I'm very tired. I think I'm done for the day. Not feeling well, either... I'm not sure if it's because I over-ate (which still wasn't much, really, but I think my stomach has shrunk!), or because I had a few swigs of hard cider earlier in the evening. On the bright side, though, I painted my toenails and they look real pretty :) I like doing alternations of contrasty-matchy colors, so I did a pale metallic green and a dark metallic teal-blue.

Also, I've only had 2 Spanish classes so far, but I'm already finding myself starting to converse in Spanish. Good progress!

Oh, yes, and Mom will be sending off her nifty little surprise to our friend L soon. I'm so excited to see her freak out over it! It's going to be amaaaaaaaazing :D Mom did a great job, and I'm really proud of my part in the project. Ahhh... I love a good gifting.

On Monday I'll be calling the courthouse to reserve a time for C and I to get legally married the Thursday before the wedding. I think his parents (i.e. his dad and his dad's girlfriend) and probably his brother will be our witnesses. Also, J and K might be able to do our music after all! Yay! C thinks that we should still get a cd player and burn a cd of music as a back-up, just in case... and we can always use it as background music during the reception, anyway. He just wants to be prepared, and I don't blame him. So this means that we won't be exiting to The Imperial March, as my plan B was, but I'm so excited at the prospect of the girls playing for the wedding! It would be so meaningful, even if they weren't stellar musicians. Daughters of Summer Hill, reuniting... albeit under different circumstances!

Tomorrow, B is kidnapping C to go get fitted for tuxes. He says that he wants to get C all sexified :) (I don't think he'll have much of a problem with that one. I can barely keep my hands off him as it is!)

As far as C's special wedding night surprise, now that I've got all my supplies it's time to start learning routines. I don't want to have to don all that gear every time I practice, so I figure that if I practice once every other week in garb then I'll have run through it 4 times as a "dress rehearsal". I can practice the other times in just plain old workout clothes.

Also... J is getting engaged soon! I am still flipping out about that, but I'm oh-so-excited for her! I wish that I had been able to get to know her intended better while I was still up there in ID, but due to circumstances I'm lucky I even got to see the guy in person before I moved! Anyway, Lord willing, this means that her dreams of becoming a mommy will be even closer to realization. I love it when dreams come true :)

Off to bed I go. Heigh ho, heigh ho.

(Also, I know I'm not really "supposed to", but I totally dig the high from my new painkillers. It's not a high in the traditional sense, nor does it dope me out to the point where I don't feel pain. It kind of dampers the pain, but they makes me happy and I just feel good to the point where I don't care that it still kinda hurts... I just feel good! And I like that. Especially after so long of not feeling well at all for more than brief intervals. And to know that I have the power to feel good under my control, at my very fingertips? Ooooh, it's kind of intoxicating ^_^ But I'm not abusing them. I just really like them. I didn't think I would, and it alarms me a bit. But I think that once I'm actually feeling well because I've got this fibro thing managed, the pain killers won't be such a seductive siren to me any longer. It's while I feel crappy that they really have appeal.)

I've just been out of sorts today... maybe the last couple days...

Craving my introvert time, you know :)

But my roomie has been having a hard week. Girl trouble. So he follows me around the house, wanting/needing to talk. It annoys me, though I'll never say it to him. I just stay in my room if I can't handle human company.

I'm aggravated at myself for procrastinating studying for the A&P test. I knew about it like, a week and a half before the test itself... but I put off studying for it until 6 days before the test. Really? Really? I'm talking about it like it's already happened, but I still have a few days.

And part of me tells myself to chill out, because it's about medical terminology, which I already have a basic grasp of in many ways, so I honestly don't need to study as hard as some people might.

The other perfectionist over achieving part is constantly decrying myself for enjoying my week and letting this slip by. Because, really, I did enjoy my week a lot. I've been very tired, and not feeling well, but I enjoyed myself. Rather than having my nose to the grindstone every second, I did things that I enjoy. I spent time on the internets.

Remember, it's the inexorable grind that got you so sick in the first place, and you're just barely recovering. Do you really wanna do that again?

Balance can be so hard, especially when you're accustomed to self-flagellation.

I'm going to do my best on that test, continue studying, and see what I get.

Maybe I just feel badly for not freaking out about it... for being confident enough in my capabilities that I haven't been studying every second? For having a test under my belt and knowing what I'm going to be up against?

Today, I've been very out of sorts. Very tired and just... drained. All day long. Spent a good chunk of the day over at the house I'm sitting, for the peace and quiet. I spent yesterday over there studying because there were people at the house and I need absolute quiet to study.

And I'm due for my period in less than a week, so this could very well be chalked up to PMS. Fluctuating hormones and all that. (Although I haven't stopped bleeding since my last period. I find that a bit odd, but I guess it's just that "spotting" or "breakthrough bleeding" that is one of the side effects of the pill? I hope that this isn't a part of having a regular menstrual cycle!)

I did find my dress, though. No, not the Rena Koh gown, though I still adore that one. I had to come to grips with the fact that, while all the pretty wedding fairy tale stuff is gorgeous and wonderful, it's just not me. It's not "us". And I don't have the budget for that. Better to stick with what I can afford and what I know I'll love.

The dress that I initially fell head over heels for is not available anywhere for less than $650. There's a beautiful knockoff for $400, but I don't want to spend that much. So, re-scouring the internet and my previous bookmarks led me to an Etsy shop owner who makes a beautiful, quality knockoff for $215 (including shipping and handling), and she's willing to do it in grey organza with ivory lace flowers and a corset lace-up backing (so I can wear it later, no matter if I lose/gain weight). Not to mention the fact that it's made to my measurements, so there'll be no alterations, unlike with a used dress (like the Rena Koh beauty).

I found a neat site today that I was poring over--A Practical Wedding-- and the recurring theme in the posts is that a wedding should be what you need and want it to be. Don't worry about the "shoulds", don't worry about the Pinterest boards and the wedding blogs and the ideas of what a perfect wedding looks like. Don't worry about the Wedding Industry that tries to sell you anything and everything.

I realized that I did it. I got caught up in the glitz and the glamour and the DIY centerpieces and the endless personalized touches... and it's not about that.

It's about enjoying our lives, our days, our moments together. It's about C and I believing that we have a future together, a good one. It's about C and I consciously choosing to hold each other exclusively in that special spot in our hearts. It's about... celebration, and family, and love and definitely not about paper lanterns and strawberry trees and cake frosting.

I like the way this post, In Praise Of The Slow Wedding, puts it. As a matter of fact, I really like this ideal as a summation of the intention I have for my life at this point.

"I believe the same things about weddings. I think we each have a fundamental right to joy at our weddings. I think that joy is about the simple things, and about paying attention to what you have. I believe that it is more important that we work with producers (in this case vendors, or wedding elves) that we respect, and that we treat them fairly and compensate them with a living wage that reflects the fact that this is their life's work. It's more important to me to pay people that I fairly than to make sure I get the best deal. And for us, with the resources we had, that meant picking a few things and doing them well.

We had amazing food.

We had a carefully crafted ceremony.

We have exquisite photography.

And we had joy.

And with all of that, it was impossible to notice the flaws in my homemade bouquet, the way my dress wrinkled under the bust line because I hadn't sent it off to a professional seamstress,the fact that we had our yichud in a parks & rec bathroom, our ipod play list, our simple cake, or our lack of favors.

So figure out what your doing with your wedding, what simple elements it boils down to, and then do those things well. Take a deep breath, slow down, pay attention. Put care into the things you value, and no one will ever notice the things that you don't have. Or to put it simply: you have what you need.

Fair warning: the site is addicting. Even more so than Offbeat Bride.

Anyway, I guess I just realized that I want to make it my intention to enjoy C and our life and the simple things every step of the way, rather than rushing through it to get to the wedding. The day is coming, and  fairly soon. But I don't want to miss the life in between the events, you know what I mean?

(Yeah, by the way... you don't have to have wedding favors. Who knew?!)