So guess what, folks? The Princess (that's me!) went on vacation. An honest to goodness, get away from it all vacation. I really, really did! It would in no way have been possible without my amazing sister in law, who I did not know cared for me as deeply as she does, but she spoiled me in almost every fashion imaginable.

First off, she had started saving for this weeks and weeks ago, and while I was there I paid my own way on things twice. Twice. In an entire week of going places and seeing things and doing stuff and buying food! Second, she was very careful to keep my physical labor to a minimum, to make sure that I rested as much as possible, and that I was able to access the places we visited. She carried all of my luggage and would only let me carry pillows and the like, even loading and unloading my walker every time we got in or out of the car! I must admit, it was pretty fantastic to have a sherpa, as I jokingly called her throughout our time together.

It was a bit of a whirlwind trip, but it was so incredibly nice to have no responsibilities, to not have to pay for anything, to have fun things to look forward to every day yet not have any kind of a rigid schedule so that our whims and my health could lead the way as to our activities, and to just kind of… well, I have this mental image of, like, my normal life and home and such with this blank white cutout space in my shape throughout the entire week where I would normally be during that time, and the cutout of me was pasted into this whole other life and reality for a week. Does that even make sense? It was so different from how my life usually proceeds that it felt like almost an entirely different reality, which is what vacation is supposed to be, right?

It felt restorative, rejuvenating, and soothing. I was the closest that I've been to my pre-Spoonie self than I've been in years. Granted, it took a lot of assistance to get that, but that doesn't diminish the experience at all. It's a series of memories that I will cherish for a long time to come, I can guarantee that.

Our week went something like this…

Sunday: Colleen (sister in law) arrives and we more or less intend to leave that day, but don't because I'm feeling poorly and it takes me forever to pack, and also what's the rush? We make a list and Colleen packs for me, which is awesome.

Monday: We leave in the morning after stopping by the local muffin store (Yum-azing!), I sleep all the way to Tucson. We go grocery shopping, Colleen cooks supper, take a walk around University, get locked out of house upon return and Colleen ends up breaking in through a window that was unlocked.

Tuesday: Visit an art store for shopping, go clothes shopping for me at a thrift store nearby, have dinner with Colleen's best friends and I have my first margarita. The night is capped with my first hookah smoke and we talk late into the night.

Wednesday: Walk the main drag near the University and visit the tea house we've had our eye on, go to dinner at a fancy place and run low on time, get trapped in the parking garage because of a faulty ticket and barely make the play we've been looking forward to seeing (and pre-purchased tickets for). End the night by returning to the main drag and hanging out at a coffee shop smoking hookah and eating Mediterranean pastries until the shop closes late.

Thursday: Drive to town an hour or so away to spend a few days with my friend Rose. She was interning with the Victim Rights department during the trial that put my molester in prison, and so she was sort of a victim advocate for me and we've kept in touch and maintained a friendship since. Get settled, I get a haircut and Rose takes me on a mini tour of the Army Fort and beautiful surrounding scenery. I fall asleep in the car and nap upon our return, wake to find company over for dinner, and we all hang out until dispersing for bed some time after company leaves.

Friday: Take a 2 mile walk with Rose (yeah, that's right! I'm fuckin' proud of myself!!!), nap briefly before we all pile in and drive to Bisbee to check out the stores and sights. Colleen buys her first "real" piece of art and is now an official adult, and I find some amazing souvenirs and a smaller cast iron skillet of a size we don't already own that I take home for Corey. (He likes it a lot, and used it for the first time tonight to make a sort of omelette.) After coming home, Rose's "Gathering Of The Awesome" party starts a while later, consisting of awesome women that she knows and invited to an evening of yummy light food, good drinks, good conversation and company, and a fun art activity that was also insightful and connecting.

Saturday: Leave Rose's and head back to Colleen's house, go grocery shopping for afternoon picnic planned. I nap for a few hours, then she, I, and one of her best friends that we went to dinner with go up Mount Lemmon and have a picnic, sort of start a fire to keep ourselves warm, and watch the sunset on the drive back down the mountain.

Sunday: We both sleep in, and eventually she packs up the car and takes me back to Yuma but leaves shortly after because of work the next day.

I was feeling pretty good throughout the week, at least as far as "good" for me goes, but as the week went on I could feel myself wearing out. By Friday night I was running a mildly low grade fever and felt pretty gross. Saturday night I declined a proposed meet up with a friend of Colleen's in favor of staying in bed because I felt shitty, and Monday, the day after I got back, I pretty much did nothing but sleep in hour-to-several-hour increments for about 24 hours. I'm still recovering, but part of it is that I don't have that medication that helps so much with the stiffness and pain in my joints anymore, so I just feel more arthritic and whatever than usual anyway. Also, period should be coming soon, and I'm always exhausted the week before my period and sleep more than usual, so I'm not surprised there, either.

I cheated a lot with allergens on vacation, so I'm returning to being a "good girl"… but oh man, I had some of the best food in a long time. Have you ever had fresh sopapillas? Then you are missing out on the culinary equivalent of salvation for your soul, I swear to you. They are so. good. I've also been on a huge muffin craving kick since we hit that muffin place on the way out of town. I had forgotten what I was missing, but now I am constantly reminded of my suffering due to lack. Alas, alack, woe is me, woe betide, and all that sorrowful jazz…

It was a good trip. It was a very good trip. I don't expect to have an experience like that again anytime soon, but I will surely treasure it. I feel different somehow from having  had the experience, but I'll think on that more later. I am so indebted to my ladies, Rose and Colleen. My gratitude knows no bounds. I know that they really went above and beyond for me… and yet for them, I'm sure it seems somewhat of a simple matter. It's funny how perspective works. From my perspective, it was a chance to live life again, to have fun and forget the frustrations and complexities of trying to juggle doctor's appointments and bills and finding rides and medication snafus and all that… to simply be a young woman again and enjoy things… to just have fun, pure and simple! From their perspective, it was doing things that maybe they don't get to do every day but have been wanting to, but it wasn't particularly mind-altering I don't think. It was pretty much business as normal, but on vacation time.

Regardless of who felt what, there is one thing that we should all be feeling right now, and that's pride. Pride in me, of course. Why? Because it's only been 3 days since I got home, and I'm fully unpacked! Yeah, baby! (This is fairly unheard of, just for context.) Now that I'm home, back to responsibilities, I feel a little better equipped to handle them now that I'm not so frazzled and frayed because I had a pleasant break. On the other hand, it makes me not want to deal with real life at all anymore and just continually live the vacation life on someone else's dime… Heh. If only, right?

Here's the summary of my weekend that I posted in various forums and places on Facebook this weekend:

"My home has been invaded by long-distance cleaning fairies. They came over to see me and Drogo and to thoroughly clean our house and give me a massage. Basically? I cried at the incredible outpouring of love and care and consideration, and now I'm sitting here eating grapes, listening to Def Leppard, watching them clean and dance and be silly, and watch my husband assist/fetch cleaning supplies/be shooed out from underfoot. (I'm not allowed to help.) feeling overwhelmed by love with Lacey and 2 others.

So they just left… but three friends of mine conspired with my husband to show up and clean my house for me. They are from several hours away and were going to be coming to town for other reasons, so they were going to come and see us *anyway* to say hello, so they figured they'd just take care of me while they were at it  One of them, who I actually met for the first time yesterday, is a licensed massage therapist that has worked with fibro patients previously, and she gave me a foot massage yesterday and a back massage today. They did the dishes that I've been too sick to do for three weeks (yeah, ALL my dishes have been dirty for three weeks-- gross!), and I didn't realize how dirty my house had actually gotten until they cleaned it! One of them took nearly an hour to soak and nitty gritty scrub my bathtub so I could soak in super duper cleanliness, bless her heart.

I did what I could to express my thanks (beyond crying when I comprehended what they were here for when they showed up yesterday, of course!) so I made them little gift baskets last night and wrote them thank you cards with their names in hand-lettered calligraphy on the front and stamped wax seals on the envelope flaps. (Wish I'd thought to take pictures. Oh well.) They were so pleased! You'd have thought I'd given them the moon  The lesson I learned from both giving and receiving this weekend is that while it pays to give, it also pays to receive graciously and with humility and pure gratitude. It meant a LOT to those girls to be able to do something so obviously meaningful for me, even with no apparent reward anywhere in their future beyond my and Drogo's gratitude."

Yes, I cried when they revealed their intent. And I TOTALLY guessed who was mysteriously coming over! Drogo was having a prolonged text conversation and sporadic phone calls and wouldn't tell me who was coming over and I was like, "Is it Lacey?" (she lives hours away and we rarely get to see her) and he was like, "Why would it be Lacey?" Literally minutes later a knock sounds at the door and in walks Lacey. I knew it!!!!! And when they told me that they were there to clean the house and that the new friend was there to massage me, too… I just broke down. I still burst into tears when I look around and see the cleanliness of my house. My heart just cannot hold that much love! Dani, Lacey's girlfriend, scrubbed and soaked and scrubbed and scrubbed my bathtub and shower until it sparkles and gleams because she knows that I soak in it a lot. 

See, I had sent out a plea on Facebook the other day, giving up my pride and just asking for help from my friends because I can't do this anymore. My pain levels are too high and I'm too sick and I just can't make life work all by myself anymore and I need help! I had dishes in the sink that had been there going on three weeks, and I was too weak to wash them. I was/am too weak to cook myself food, so I'm relying on easy-make foods like sandwiches, cereal, fruit, yogurt, certain veggies, etc. For various reasons, people were unable to come to my rescue, but these ladies began plotting and subsequently Facebook stalking me to make sure that no one else stepped in to do the job they intended to do, which no one did. So they bought all manner of cleaning supplies and brought grungy shirts and braved the dust and the mold and the kitty dander to which they are all allergic, and my home is so lovely and bright and inhabitable now, it just brings a smile to my face when I hobble through :)

I wanted to "pay it forward" somehow, desperately, to give something back somehow, so I put together little gift packages for each one of them that night after they left. (We went out to dinner together, too, so that was fun. Fortunately, due to some extra pain killers headed my way via an anonymous source the day before, I had my best day this entire month, no exaggeration, and I was able to be up and about with them in a halfheartedly normal manner.) They opened their gifts and read their cards while they were visiting with me this afternoon before they left to go home and I couldn't believe their heartfelt appreciation over something so small. I mean, they had given me something so incredibly heartwarming and valuable… I felt as though my return gesture of appreciation was so feeble and faltering in comparison! But it was not so to them, and that is what matters.

The amazing thing is that just the gratitude that I had for the gift they gave me of their time and effort and taking care of something that I was not capable of doing on my own was enough for them. That was all they expected to receive, and it was more than enough for them. It meant so much to me, what they did, maybe more than they will ever understand. To go from being an active achiever, someone who "gets things done" to being unable to do your own dishes is… well, it's humiliating. You begin to question your own worth as a person, as a wife. What is the point of even keeping me around, you wonder. Why does my husband want me here? All I can do is sleep and generate mess. But these girls… they came in and gave me a fresh start. I can maintain the cleanliness, to a degree. When I use a dish, I clean it right away so it doesn't build up. They laughed with me and cracked jokes and told stories and, most of all, reaffirmed my worth as a person. They wanted to spend time with me. They came all this way for me. They wanted to do this for me, of their own free will. They went out of their way and went to trouble for me because I am of value. It cheered me up to an unspeakable degree. It's hard to explain.

As a side note, I also found a bit of usefulness as a chronic illness advocate as well. The massage therapist, Meli, has worked with fibro patients in the past but doesn't know much about the illness itself. Her mother deals with many chronic illnesses but is, as Meli describes it, a hypochondriac. She is the negative stereotype of chronic illness patients embodied, the type where they say "it's all in your head" and it's kinda mostly true. That's unfortunate, but that's kind of the place where she has had to base her knowledge and dealings from, because that's all she really knows of chronic illness. During her time with me, she asked me questions and I answered as best I could, and of course she saw me deal with everyday life in my fashion. In addition to that I mentioned something about spoons, which lead to my reading her The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino, which is like the American Constitution for chronic illness patients lol.

Well what is really neat is that today she told me that I have really changed her perspective on chronic illness, enlightened her, so to speak, and I feel much like how I used to when I worked with The Healing Journey and did advocacy for abuse survivors. This illness has taken so very much from me, and I suppose you could even say it has ruined my life. At this point, that could be a very accurate statement, though in the future that may no longer apply. (Fingers crossed!) However, as with the negative things that stem from abuse, I've managed to turn those potential life-ruiners into positives by using them to inform and educate others and advocate for rights, change, research, healing; whatever is necessary at that time. I'm a badass, man. Life can't keep me down, no matter how hard it tries! I'm just super grateful that I have helped Meli to understand fibromyalgia and chronic illnesses better, because as a massage therapist and a health practitioner, she has the potential to affect many lives in the future. By affecting her point of view, I have theoretically changed dozens, if not more, of lives of people that I will probably never meet. Crazy, right? All by simply being my awesome self and being honest yet upbeat about my struggles and health problems.

Things are looking up. I may not necessarily be on the mend (if this month is any indication, because it has been hell), but I can still be a positive force in the world even from within my prison of pain and other various symptoms. Watch out, world!

On another, slightly more humorous/bitter note, I made something for my new pain doc. I think she'll get a kick out of it. We hit it off pretty well, and she seems to have a sense of humor much like mine, though I would not dare to pull this on any of my other doctors. They'd make me pay in one way or another… but I figure this will emphasize the truth of my statement that this month has been the. worst. month. of my fibro. ever. EVER. (ever.) (The date is set for my next appointment. I'm fairly confident that the pain won't be going anywhere before then, soooo…)

…I spent the afternoon/evening with a friend of undisclosed name drinking wine coolers (and rum, they had rum mostly) and watching movies.

I regret nothing.

In fact, I feel happier and more relaxed than I have in a while. And especially after the day I had yesterday? It is a huge relief. Enough to make me want to drink again, and soon… which the Dragon does not approve of. lol. Of course, I'll honor his wishes… probably. Sorta.

But man… I feel… relaxed. Happy. Sleepy. I like this "drinking thing" when I do it right and don't make myself sick. I didn't even get drunk. I just got… happy.

It was nice to feel happy again.

Today, I felt like a normal person.

Not that I didn't feel sick; that's just silly. But the activities of the day had me reminiscing of a time when I thought nothing of going out for an evening with C, whereas now it's become a special treat.

It started this morning/afternoon, when I opened the door to let Juneaux into the bedroom to wake up C, and he rolled over and gestured to me while mumbling, "Come here, woman." I lay down with him and cuddled up close, and we dozed comfortably for a time. Then the dozing turned to nuzzling and kissing, which of course led to other more "adult" activities. (I love being married with a house of our own. It's nice to just jump each other whenever we want.) C jumped on the computer to finish the daily missions for Guild Wars 2 and I ate lunch while reading through a favorite book. C was still working on his dailies when I was done eating, so I went down for a nap.

When he was done, he came and got me and I pulled my supplies together for our evening errands and planned fun. We went to see Ender's Game! We've both read the book and love sci-fi, so we've been eager to see the movie adaptation... as wary as I am of movie adaptations of books. I was pleasantly surprised, though. I think they did a good job. We both wished that they had more time, though, because it just felt very abbreviated in many places. It was good, but I don't think it does the book justice. Not like The Hunger Games did. Anyway, we watched the movie and then went for a walk around the mall afterward. The air was surprisingly warm, yet with a hint of coolness that reminded me that fall is upon us. We stopped in a game store and an electronics store to browse a bit, then swung by the pharmacy on the way home to pick up one of my scripts, fill up my water jugs, and grab some more lavender bath salts for me. There is a bookstore just down the row from my pharmacy, so C suggested we go in and look around, and I readily agreed. I popped into the coffee shop and got a caramel macchiato, and it turned out to be happy hour so I got another coffee drink for free! I picked out a cafe latte with a shot of hazelnut syrup, meaning to save it for tomorrow, but I ended up drinking them both while we browsed together.

I had been thinking lately about a particular person that I worked with at the beginning of my judicial process after disclosing my sexual abuse, Detective M. I thought I might see her at the Vigil, and I did see someone that looked similar to her, but she did not show. Imagine my surprise when I turned into an aisle of the bookstore and found her standing there! We had a nice little chat, and we met each other's husbands. She is really happy that I'm working with E and that the HJ is doing so well. She explained that she deals with enough of the darkness of abuse without dealing with the aftermath of the emotions, which is why she avoids the vigils and extracurricular stuff, which I totally understand. I was happy to have run into her. She's a very pleasant person, and I like her.

After leaving the bookstore, we stopped by the library on the way home so that I could return a few books and movies, then headed home. C was playing one of my favorite cd's on the radio and I was singing along. We held hands while he drove, as we are wont to do. I thanked him for the evening several times, because it was just so... normal. I felt like a "real" person again, out for a low-key evening of enjoyment with my husband. It was like the kind of dates that we used to go on, and it was even sort of spur of the moment, a rarity these days.

Tomorrow I have plans as well. We're going to be continuing our Pathfinder campaign, of course, but then another of my friends and I are going to dress up in costume and visit a local bar that's having a post-Halloween fling. Neither of us drink, really, but we're looking forward to dressing up and going out. (Actually, I can't drink, 'cause of the meds.) We won't be out long, I'm sure, but it'll be a fun experience. I've never gone out to a bar with friends before, so this'll be a new experience. I plan to go as a beauty pageant queen, especially because the dress I have for that requires no bra! That's a major win in my book.

I've had some disappointments lately in trying to make new friends, and I've been quite lonely. I don't want to hang out with everyone that I know, as some people are just not good company or they're energy drainers or I just don't want to be around them for a length of time for one reason or another. My efforts to make new friends, though, have been falling flat on their faces. I was flat out called offensive and told goodbye by a girl that I was trying to set up a first meeting with. Another girl and I connected really well and talked practically nonstop via email and text for a week before meeting up for dinner, which went well, I thought. After that, though, she just stopped responding to my texts and emails, and I don't know what the heck happened. Another girl that I was supposed to meet up with stopped returning my emails, as well as one who was just looking for an email buddy. All this within a few weeks, and to be honest... it was hurtful and bewildering. I felt so rejected and unlikeable... so I said as much on facebook. I got an overwhelming show of confidence from friends near and far, and some of my friends/acquaintances here in Y are trying to help alleviate my loneliness. Hence the bar tomorrow night. Unfortunately, some of those people that are taking it upon themselves to alleviate my loneliness are people that I don't actually want to hang out with for the reasons stated above... but I really see no way out of it, since I stated my loneliness quite clearly and publicly. I can't just turn around and say, "Yeah, well, I don't really want to hang out with you!", can I? It feels extremely rude to turn them down. So... yeah. Got myself into a little of a pickle there.

Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed today's activities, and I'm savoring the fact that I actually have plans with a friend tomorrow! It just feels so... normal. So blessedly, blissfully normal.

Yeah, I know I'm going to pay for this weekend in no small way (I'm already really feeling it from our outing this evening), but in my mind it's totally worth it. Totally. I wish I didn't have to pay a price to engage in the semblance of a social life, but it is what it is. I'll embrace the joy and survive the fallout, as always.

Woohoo! Today my stunningly handsome husband is taking me out on a date! Why? Well, because I need it, and also because I got a new super-cute and sexy dress, so I need an excuse to wear it, of course. :) (Can I just insert a shameless plug for my local Goodwill here?)

See? Bad picture, cute dress. Sexy in a "50's pin-up" kind of way. Funny thing-- I would have NEVER considered wearing something like this, even a year ago. I was much more, shall we say, modest? And now I feel perfectly modest in this dress, although I know others would disagree. But all my lady-bits are covered, it's not some sort of diaphanous material (quite sturdily made, actually!), and most importantly? My husband likes it.

So, on a date we go! I'm going to get my hair did and put on the face paint and everything. All out. (Well, as "all out" as I go, anyway. He likes his lady looking natural, which is a win for me!)

I'm glad to have something to look forward to. I did not sleep well at all last night, and today's a pretty high pain day for me. (Hello, milestones-- my "high pain days" now are what my high-average days were like just a month or two ago!) I know I'll feel better after a shower, and I've got acupuncture + massage this afternoon. It'll be good. I'm just going to take it easy today.

Also? I still trip out sometimes about how awesome it is to actually be able to casually drop the word "husband" into conversation. I freaking love it.

Also also? I made banana-bread muffins last night while tutoring my friend C, and they're all gone this morning. All gone. I gave friend C several to take with her, because she LOVED them, hubby C ate two, and I had a couple for supper. (The recipe didn't quite make a dozen, sadly.) What's amazing is that C liked them, because I'm honestly not the best baker in the world when it comes to allergy-friendly baking (it's really hard, y'all!), and I don't think I've baked a thing yet that he's liked... until now. I did leave them in a bit long, because I wasn't sure what the inner consistency was supposed to be like, but now I have a good recipe to play with and a baseline from which to experiment. I'm very happy about that.

In addition to that, I made a necklace for my yoga teacher/massage therapist, because she's moving away and I've come to really respect her as a mentor and guide, but also to appreciate her as a friend. She was really enthusiastic about and interested in my proposed online store business plan, so I thought it'd be fitting for her to be the first to receive something that I've crafted in that vein. I etched the Ohm symbol into the front of a purple shell pendant, and etched "Namaste" into the side. It's also fitting that it's purple, because we had a discussion yesterday about today being Lupus Awareness Day, and Sunday being Fibromyalgia Awareness day, both of which are represented by the color purple.

She'll be speaking to one of our support groups next week, so I'll give it to her then. I'll be sad that she's moving, but thank goodness for Facebook, eh?

Update: Date was fun. A couple of pictures for proof. 

Last night was a bittersweet success of sorts.

After being so agitated and just plain burnt out, I realized that I needed to meditate. As I sat there, focusing on my breathing, I began to tear up almost immediately. I breathed through it, but a few minutes into my practice I really began to sob. It was unexpected, but instead of fighting it I just sat with it, listening to my body and heart to find out what was the matter. I realized that I was just tired, so very, very tired, and I had been all day. I had been pushing myself since I hauled myself out of bed that morning, putting one foot in front of the other to achieve what I must. Obligations cannot be ducked, not all the time. So I was tired, and I just didn't have enough anything left in me for anyone... even myself. I knew C would be home soon, but I didn't even want to see him. I knew I couldn't greet him with a kiss and act happy to see him (I say "act happy" because all other times I am happy to see him!). I didn't have it in me.

But it was okay. I just kept breathing, and it passed... and then came back again. But it was okay. I continued to breathe, and just accept it for what it was, rather than trying to push myself to feel a certain way. I think that's one of the biggest things I've taken away from this past semester and my foray into a personal yoga practice... learning to just accept, rather than trying to force change or "shoulding" myself or a situation.

Anyway, C came home while I was still meditating, so I cracked open an eye, smiled at him, and returned to my breath. He came over and scrutinized my face, however, and saw that I had been crying. When he asked why, I told him the simple truth. "I'm just totally burnt out, and I need someone to take care of me because I can't take care of myself right now."

The rest of the evening, C made it a point to kiss me, cuddle me, hug me, and caress me at random and fairly frequent intervals. When I commented about how much attention he was giving me, he replied, "You need it." It's true. I've been feeling very lonely lately, rather needy, and a bit distanced from C on his part. (Struggling with depression in more than a minor way.) It was nice to be physically coddled, and I enjoyed it. While sitting on his lap at the computer, he stroked my back with his hands, and even though it kind of hurt (damn fibro), I didn't say a word because it felt so good to my spirit. (Okay, here we go again with just "sitting with my emotions", because as I write this I'm tearing up a little. I think it's grief about what fibro has done to me... that it would hurt when my love caresses my back. That both pisses me off and saddens me greatly.)

We also agreed on a date tomorrow. I believe we'll be going out to a late lunch and then strolling through old town at our leisure. It will be nice to dress up a little and just spend some time together outside of the house, besides moving or running errands or doing laundry. We went to the movies last Saturday night, and I enjoyed that very much. It's easy to forget about being intentional with time spent together, and I don't always need "dates", but I do right now... so that's what we're doing. (Also, C finally exercised marital privileges, so I feel much better. Sorry for the tmi to anyone who feels that way about it, but you would not believe how much being deprived can affect you. It's pretty crazy. I think sex is an important part of a healthy, balanced life, and I'm not ashamed of it. Not anymore.)

Small victories. Bittersweet successes. Such is (fibro) life... and I'm grateful for what I've got.

Well, I done did it. I got weddinged yesterday!

We spent the night in a REALLY nice hotel room, and I'm glad. It was nice to basically just collapse, and the bed was super, super comfy. It was a good sleep, and I'm grateful.

I'll post more about the wedding and the getting ready for it and all that later.

Now? I'm basically totally lacking motivation and/or... motivation. lol. Really though, this past week took it out of me in a big way, especially the last few days. My brain was totally gone by yesterday.

Plus, tonight is the last night my family is in town, so I'm gonna chill with them for a while.

My husband (!) will probably just stay at home and play Starcraft-- his version of vegging and recuperating. To each their own...

Today is usually my busiest day of the week to begin with, so I'm a little apprehensive as to whether I'll make it through in decent form...

Yesterday was an open day-- work canceled, nothing else planned but group-- yet I was flat on my back with pain, fatigue, and nausea by 7:30. I had to leave group early, and the pain was so bad throughout the evening that by bedtime that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep. I slept like a log, though, thank goodness!

Yesterday was a tough pain day. I took more pain killers than usual, and was contemplating taking more at bedtime when the pain was so bad.

But today... today we're meeting with the mortgage company to discuss our options for buying the house (since all that went to hell in a handbasket rather quickly, through no fault of ours), I've got two classes and work today, and then... and then...

My family arrives tonight!!!

Yes, that I'm excited about :D I love my family dearly, so it's been hard to only see them once a year.

When they arrive, they'll be heading over to BJ and F's house to see them before they leave early tomorrow morning for M.

Yes, today is going to be a loooooong day... but so worth it.

Tomorrow, I've got my 2nd acupunture appointment, C and I meet with the officiant, and I'll definitely be hanging out with the family. Oh, and did I mention that the girls and H roll in tomorrow? Yeah! So exciting!

Friday, we'll all be hanging out and swimming at Mom and R's hotel pool, I'm sure. Cupcakes need to be made, H and I need to put our heads together and make sure we're solid for the big day, but other than that, "girls just wanna have fun." Oh, yeah, and my pre-wedding massage is set for Friday, too. I'm SO looking forward to that! (My yoga teacher is the practitioner, and she's pretty much freakin' amazing.)

Saturday, the girls want to go to church and I do not, so while they're at church I'm going to go get my manicure and pedicure. We need to decorate the cupcakes and write on my chalkboard signs, but that's all the wedding prep that needs to happen, except for maybe steaming my dress. Mom and I need to run through my hair and makeup sometime before the wedding, but I don't know what day that's going to happen. We've got the rehearsal Saturday afternoon, and then we're free to do as we like.

I've been debating whether or not to spend the night before the wedding with C, but I dunno... I really want to spend a night with the girls, but it totally doesn't have to be the night before the wedding! As a matter of fact, because of my cold feet and C's remarkable ability to calm me down (and also because all of my meds/food/fibro fighting gear is already at home), it might be best if I spent the night before at home, with C. I can spend Thursday or Friday night over at the place where the girls are staying. I think that's what I'll do.

Sunday, it all breaks loose. My photographer suggested that, because it's Easter, we set up suuuuuper early so that no churches have a chance to horn in on our flat, grassy spot. I was thinking 9 am to begin setup and decorating, she was thinking 7 am. So, happy compromise? Get up at 7, set up some chairs with signs on them that say "Reserved for J-R Wedding" and go back to bed!! lol

Wow. So soon. I somehow felt that I'd have more days with my family and the girls before the wedding, but it's really only a couple. The girls have to leave the day after, with the exception of J, who is flying out right after the ceremony to catch school the next day, but my family is staying an extra couple of days. I'm looking forward to that. Post wedding chilling with my beloved family, and the bonus is that the week after the wedding is my spring break! No classes! Sweeeeeeet.

And it is now time to wake C up and begin the very, very long day that I hope I'll get through alright. I hope I get through all of them alright! I've been a very good girl, so I hope that this hard work pays off. Even if it doesn't... my support system is amazing, and they all understand :) I love that.

Also, with all the stuff going on, and all the people that I love so much around me, I'm almost certainly going to be totally AWOL from the blog world, unless I have something particularly pressing to get off of my chest.

See you on the other side. I'll be Mrs. R. What will you be? ;)

We did our engagement photos today. I was quite excited and looking forward to it, and I had been thinking about different shots and whatnot... I really did have to face up to the fact that I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to photographing people. Not my area of expertise. However, the pictures were cute in my head, so I figured I could do it. I mean, if you can visualize it, you can create it, right? ;)

C had agreed to go with me on the photo jaunt this weekend, and last night as they were figuring out when to reconvene for game night tonight, I reminded him about the photos. He totally prioritized our activity and made everyone else wait! I felt very special :)

However, as the time drew nearer, I found myself filling with apprehension, even dread. By the time we climbed into his truck, I was about ready to cry. I told him I was apprehensive, and he spent the ride over to the park talking me through/out of it.

I'm still fiddling with the why and the wherefore of the apprehension, but I think part of it is expectations. I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to portraits, but I have these images in my head that the wonderful wedding industry has placed there, the "standard", and I'm afraid of failing, afraid of not living up to the "standard" (which, really... doesn't actually mean anything. The standard, that is.)

Also, that same terror of "I don't want to waste C's time", or "I don't want to be pushing him into something he doesn't want" or "I don't want to make demands of him" or "I don't want to have him around if I can't do this or I do it badly".

He told me I was silly for being apprehensive about him, and that I should know by now that he actually wants to spend time with me. Hah. Yes. I should. But I'm still... scared of pushing too much and driving him away, I guess. Please don't leave me! I love you! See? I don't need anything, I'm totally self-contained, so no effort is required on your part and so you don't have to leave.

Abandonment complex, anyone?

Anyway, C busts that to pieces.

 (Also, and I quote, "It's just a picture. If it's not good, you take another one. If that one's not good, you take another. You have a digital camera! It's note even film! You'll be fine.")

He has a plan. When I'm being "silly", when I'm being apprehensive about things that I already know I shouldn't be apprehensive about, then he is going to bop me with the Squeaky Hammer of Refinement (to get rid of those false ideas). This, of course, is not to be confused with the Stick of Correction, which is reserved for people who are being stupid and need their ideas/course of actions changed, immediately.

By the time we hit the park, my apprehension had significantly decreased (due in large part to laughing over the naming process for the Squeaky Hammer), and as we got into it I ended up having a lot of fun. C was hamming it up for the camera, just as loose and comfortable as you can be. I was the stiff one! What a twist :)

Anyway, we got some good shots, and it was a really fun experience. It reminded me all over again why I'm marrying him. (On my walks at night, I walk around neighborhoods and look at the houses. It fills me with a giddy anticipation to know that C and I are joining our lives, and soon we'll live in a house and be a married couple and... just wow. It feels like this novel thing, like we're the only people who have ever done this before. I know it's not true, but it's still funny how it feels like we're the first people to ever be in love.)

As I was going through and editing the pics, there was a really funny sequence that I just have to share! (These are unedited, but still funny.)

In his defense... he was watching bugs while I worked with the camera.

To get him to smile a "real" smile (rather than a goofy grimace--hamming it up), I told him, "Imagine that you're at Ren Faire, buying another axe!" ...It worked.)

Another "raw" image, one that didn't make it on fb. He said something silly to me right before the shutter went off, so I was trying to figure out how to react.

C got ahold of a movie that he wants to watch with me tonight when he gets home. In the midst of packing and cooking and studying and dealing with my poor intestines... it is most welcome. I've been looking forward to it all day.

It's a romance/musical. Go figure the guy likes romances. (Which I'm happy about, because I loooooove a good love story! And a good song and dance number.)