Last night was a bittersweet success of sorts.
After being so agitated and just plain burnt out, I realized that I needed to meditate. As I sat there, focusing on my breathing, I began to tear up almost immediately. I breathed through it, but a few minutes into my practice I really began to sob. It was unexpected, but instead of fighting it I just sat with it, listening to my body and heart to find out what was the matter. I realized that I was just tired, so very, very tired, and I had been all day. I had been pushing myself since I hauled myself out of bed that morning, putting one foot in front of the other to achieve what I must. Obligations cannot be ducked, not all the time. So I was tired, and I just didn't have enough anything left in me for anyone... even myself. I knew C would be home soon, but I didn't even want to see him. I knew I couldn't greet him with a kiss and act happy to see him (I say "act happy" because all other times I am happy to see him!). I didn't have it in me.
But it was okay. I just kept breathing, and it passed... and then came back again. But it was okay. I continued to breathe, and just accept it for what it was, rather than trying to push myself to feel a certain way. I think that's one of the biggest things I've taken away from this past semester and my foray into a personal yoga practice... learning to just accept, rather than trying to force change or "shoulding" myself or a situation.
Anyway, C came home while I was still meditating, so I cracked open an eye, smiled at him, and returned to my breath. He came over and scrutinized my face, however, and saw that I had been crying. When he asked why, I told him the simple truth. "I'm just totally burnt out, and I need someone to take care of me because I can't take care of myself right now."
The rest of the evening, C made it a point to kiss me, cuddle me, hug me, and caress me at random and fairly frequent intervals. When I commented about how much attention he was giving me, he replied, "You need it." It's true. I've been feeling very lonely lately, rather needy, and a bit distanced from C on his part. (Struggling with depression in more than a minor way.) It was nice to be physically coddled, and I enjoyed it. While sitting on his lap at the computer, he stroked my back with his hands, and even though it kind of hurt (damn fibro), I didn't say a word because it felt so good to my spirit. (Okay, here we go again with just "sitting with my emotions", because as I write this I'm tearing up a little. I think it's grief about what fibro has done to me... that it would hurt when my love caresses my back. That both pisses me off and saddens me greatly.)
We also agreed on a date tomorrow. I believe we'll be going out to a late lunch and then strolling through old town at our leisure. It will be nice to dress up a little and just spend some time together outside of the house, besides moving or running errands or doing laundry. We went to the movies last Saturday night, and I enjoyed that very much. It's easy to forget about being intentional with time spent together, and I don't always need "dates", but I do right now... so that's what we're doing. (Also, C finally exercised marital privileges, so I feel much better. Sorry for the tmi to anyone who feels that way about it, but you would not believe how much being deprived can affect you. It's pretty crazy. I think sex is an important part of a healthy, balanced life, and I'm not ashamed of it. Not anymore.)
Small victories. Bittersweet successes. Such is (fibro) life... and I'm grateful for what I've got.
After being so agitated and just plain burnt out, I realized that I needed to meditate. As I sat there, focusing on my breathing, I began to tear up almost immediately. I breathed through it, but a few minutes into my practice I really began to sob. It was unexpected, but instead of fighting it I just sat with it, listening to my body and heart to find out what was the matter. I realized that I was just tired, so very, very tired, and I had been all day. I had been pushing myself since I hauled myself out of bed that morning, putting one foot in front of the other to achieve what I must. Obligations cannot be ducked, not all the time. So I was tired, and I just didn't have enough anything left in me for anyone... even myself. I knew C would be home soon, but I didn't even want to see him. I knew I couldn't greet him with a kiss and act happy to see him (I say "act happy" because all other times I am happy to see him!). I didn't have it in me.
But it was okay. I just kept breathing, and it passed... and then came back again. But it was okay. I continued to breathe, and just accept it for what it was, rather than trying to push myself to feel a certain way. I think that's one of the biggest things I've taken away from this past semester and my foray into a personal yoga practice... learning to just accept, rather than trying to force change or "shoulding" myself or a situation.
Anyway, C came home while I was still meditating, so I cracked open an eye, smiled at him, and returned to my breath. He came over and scrutinized my face, however, and saw that I had been crying. When he asked why, I told him the simple truth. "I'm just totally burnt out, and I need someone to take care of me because I can't take care of myself right now."
The rest of the evening, C made it a point to kiss me, cuddle me, hug me, and caress me at random and fairly frequent intervals. When I commented about how much attention he was giving me, he replied, "You need it." It's true. I've been feeling very lonely lately, rather needy, and a bit distanced from C on his part. (Struggling with depression in more than a minor way.) It was nice to be physically coddled, and I enjoyed it. While sitting on his lap at the computer, he stroked my back with his hands, and even though it kind of hurt (damn fibro), I didn't say a word because it felt so good to my spirit. (Okay, here we go again with just "sitting with my emotions", because as I write this I'm tearing up a little. I think it's grief about what fibro has done to me... that it would hurt when my love caresses my back. That both pisses me off and saddens me greatly.)
We also agreed on a date tomorrow. I believe we'll be going out to a late lunch and then strolling through old town at our leisure. It will be nice to dress up a little and just spend some time together outside of the house, besides moving or running errands or doing laundry. We went to the movies last Saturday night, and I enjoyed that very much. It's easy to forget about being intentional with time spent together, and I don't always need "dates", but I do right now... so that's what we're doing. (Also, C finally exercised marital privileges, so I feel much better. Sorry for the tmi to anyone who feels that way about it, but you would not believe how much being deprived can affect you. It's pretty crazy. I think sex is an important part of a healthy, balanced life, and I'm not ashamed of it. Not anymore.)
Small victories. Bittersweet successes. Such is (fibro) life... and I'm grateful for what I've got.
0 thoughts: