You remember yesterday/last night/actually early this morning, when I was musing about how I want to leave a mark in the world, to do something important and worthy with my life? The gist was that I couldn't really fully put into words what I was longing for, but I've found it! I found the words to explain my mission! Whenever I read the Hands Free Mama blog, it's perfect timing for something, either a struggle I'm going through or a thought or philosophy taking shape that needed a little guidance and a shove in the final direction. This time, I came across this article called Your Most Important Role, In Case Someone Forgets, and I'll go ahead and copy the sections that jumped out at me the loudest.

I ended up taking that two-hour drive with Scott. I can’t even remember if he got the job; I only remember the look of gratitude on his face when he dropped me off, saying he would have been way more nervous if he’d gone alone. All I’d done was simply remind him of what he already knew—the good stuff we tend to forget about ourselves in times of doubt, stress, uncertainty, and fear.

Over the past two decades, I’ve referred to that experience many times: As a special education teacher looking into the eyes of a young man who killed his pet … as a mother whose Noticer of Life child admitted she felt “different” from the rest … as a confidant whose friend confessed dark truths she thought made her unworthy of happiness and true love.

“You might not be able to see it right now, but you hold great value,” I’d said to all of these precious people. “I see your value. And I am here to remind you when you forget.”

I have a dear friend who has written a literary masterpiece coming out in April that “illuminates one highly dysfunctional family’s tentative, desperate crawl toward a life of meaning and worth.” My friend says it happened largely because I believed in her. What Katrina doesn’t understand is that I had no choice. Her gift was so obvious and so needed in this hurting world I simply could not let her give up.

While working on the manuscript for my third book a few weeks ago, I needed grammar assistance. I knew exactly who to go to for help.

“Thank you, literary genius,” I texted Katrina after she provided exactly what I needed.

“You’re welcome, soul changer,” she wrote back.

I began to cry.

Out of all the things I could be in this world, I couldn’t think of anything better than that.

Soul changer

I never had to ask my friend what she meant by the term.

I knew exactly what it meant because of the experiences I had with my husband, my former student, and my child.

It means seeing someone’s inner light when he cannot see it for himself. It means putting your hands protectively around her light through upheavals and uncertainties so the precious light doesn’t diminish. It means reminding people of the beautiful things they know, but tend to forget, about themselves.

And I don’t do it for others due to noble reasons; I do it because it is what I hope someone will do for me. And because certain people in my life have done it for me.

One night Avery was playing her guitar and singing her heart out. Suddenly, I remembered an uplifting video I wanted to show her. As a self-professed “fan of adorable old people,” I knew Avery would enjoy seeing this video showing the impact of familiar songs on despondent seniors in a retirement home. The video was so touching and so personal, the newscaster lost his composure at the end of the segment.

After seeing the way the guitar-playing music therapist brought foot taping and hand clapping to the nearly lifeless seniors who began to sing along, Avery jumped up with excitement. “Music therapist? I never knew there was such a thing! I could do that, Mama! I want to do that!”

“There is very strong connection between music and memories,” I repeated from the news clip. “Just imagine. You could transport elderly people back to a beautiful time in their lives. You could help them remember their best memories and remind them of who they are.”

Soul changer

It suddenly occurred to me that we all have instruments in which we can change people’s souls. Some instruments are more obvious than others, but we all have them. Sadly, some people may never even know they’ve changed someone’s soul.

Soul changers

Thank goodness, they are all around us. Thank goodness, they are within us.

My friends, what an important role each of you play in this often-hurting world. You have the power and the instrument to help someone remember these critical truths: You are worthy. You hold value. You are not alone. 

Perhaps you do it with strong hugs or comfort food delivered right to their doors.
Perhaps you do it with a make-up brush and healing hands.
Perhaps you do it with long drives, quiet presence, or faithful prayers.
Maybe it is your green thumb or the tender way you wipe tears.
Maybe it’s the way you remember people’s names and say them with love.
Maybe it’s the way you bring humor to heavy situations or drop everything when needed.
Maybe it’s the way you always know when to pick up the phone or send a hand-written card.

Soul changers

Sometimes all we need to believe in ourselves is one person to remind us of what we already know.

And like a familiar tune from long ago, just a few notes is all we need to start tapping our toes and singing the lyrics we never forgot. And low and behold, we find it’s just the anthem we need to carry on.

That, my dear friends, is what I want to be. That is the essence of what I found myself longing for after hearing Rachel Scott's story, after watching The Mission for the first time and every time after when I listened to the soundtrack with my eyes closed. That's the quintessential Mark Maker that I want to be, the one people remember as the changer and caretaker of souls. Even just one.

I know that I truly loved my work with The Healing Journey, even though it brought up a lot of difficult things for me in the dark of night, and I know that I would have thrown my whole self into my massage therapy, had I been able to complete the training. I continually gravitate toward these professions of healing and helping, because that's who I am. That's what I wanna be. Now that my body is in a state of constant rebellion I can't accomplish the goals I once had for myself, but the delicious thing is that I can be a soul changer and a caretaker of hearts even from the depths of my own pain and from the cushions of my couch. It doesn't seem like such an unattainable goal after all, framed in this kind of concept. The very very best part? I know that I've already met this goal many times over, but each time will be beautiful all over again. Also, when you invest in the people around you, they tend to turn around and take care of you right back, which I've experienced much of. Now that I'm more dependent than ever, I have a lot of good people who have my back. Give and receive, ebb and flow.

Suddenly the next 28 years don't seem so much of a burden anymore.

There is so much more to do than what my energy or pain levels allow for. Here it is, 2 am, and the house is still not tidied and we have not bought groceries for the week. Blaaaaaaah. I also have not dyed my hair back to red yet. I'm thinking that's not going to happen before my party, as I desired. Neither have I redone my toenails or pummiced my heels like I wanted. I just need a pedicure, someone else to do it for me! Hehe.

I splurged yesterday and bought some clothing more applicable to my size at Goodwill. Got a discount from the cashier because I asked for it after she found out it was my birthday soon. It was her birthday that day, as a matter of fact!

We got the ingredients for my friend the Mermaid to make the cakes for my party tomorrow night, and we're both almost a little too happy about it ^_^ She loves to bake, I love to eat. A match made in culinary heaven.

Pain's been bad. I think it's the weather. I am so determined not to let it ruin my fun, though, if only for these few days. I know and am sure I'll pay for it, but… I can't let this illness, whatever it is, completely dictate my life. Not every day. Not all the time. I refuse to let it completely ruin my life. So, party it is. And then a trip to the big city. Oh my god, am I gonna be destroyed… and it pisses me off that I know this in advance and know that my misery will increase. Beh.

Anyway… birthday! Party! Woohoo!

I finished my invitation today and sent it out (electronically) to everyone I want to come. A few people already informed me that they won't be there, and their presence will be sorely missed, but I think it's going to be a grand, fun time. Hope we have enough dessert for everyone! Better to have too much than not enough… and whatever's left over we can freeze and I can nom on for ages to come :D Now… to figure out a prize for the colorfully sparkly winner… (And I sincerely hope that I'm feeling somewhat decent that day and not like totally laid up in bed or something!!)

My birthday is coming up. In my household growing up, birthdays are a big. deal. I mean, we're talking cake and a themed birthday party, even if it's just family. (It usually was, with a  few friends from around whatever apartment complex we lived in at the time.) With the S's, birthdays were an even bigger deal, with the newly-aged person dictating the events and menu of the entire day. When you came out to breakfast in the morning, the table was set with a lace tablecloth and the fancy dishes, and there was confetti scattered on the table and likely a ribbon or bow decorating your chair. I mean, we're talking a big deal.

Fast forward to my moving down south. The first birthday was with my grandparents and some of my friends from the local church came over, but nobody that I was really close with. I made my own (amazing) german chocolate cake, but everyone else had "normal" sheet cake. The next year (last year), I was living with C already. B and J took us out to lunch and had special plans for me. They got the sushi place to put a purple orchid on my plate and they brought out surprise mochi and green tea ice cream at the end of the meal. Also, J and I went shopping at Goodwill after lunch. That was my birthday. Very plain. Nice, but plain.

See, C was not raised celebrating holidays or, as I understand it, birthdays really. He's not the "celebratey" type, which is a shame because I'm the opposite. I'd throw a party for everything if I could! Don't have the money or the energy for that, though, sadly. But since he's not the type to celebrate, I know that if I want a good birthday I have to plan it myself. That's pretty lame, in my book, but it is what it is. I don't have the S's or H to put together a party for me, and besides, I don't think they could top my 23rd birthday party anyway. They surprised me by flying my mom out for an entire week (and J was already up there with me for her spring break!), and then they threw me a big hippie birthday party my birthday night. Oh, and I can't forget the mariachi/country song that David wrote and they woke me up with on the morning of my birthday. Have I mentioned how much I miss the S's, and H, and my life up there? Mostly I miss the people, and the opportunities for awesome and unique experiences. I had so many great life experiences that I treasure the memories of.

Anywayyyy… my birthday falls on a Saturday this year, which means that C has the day off, and I'm so happy about that! My plans and my wishes are a bit different, but my actual plans for the day are such: spend an hour or two at the antique car show going on that weekend (it's a birthday tradition for me), eat lunch and rest for a few hours, have the people that I love and care for most all over for cake, pie, and juice. That means my grandparents and great aunt (if she'll leave the house), the D's, D and J if they can make it (the snake folks), both M's, A (who graciously agreed to make my cake!!), my brother in law and his lady E, C's dad and his gf (if she's deigning to speak to me again, that is LOL), I'll see if K wants to come, and S because he's in town!! Oh, and I can't forget E and M, and I'll see if the girls from group can and want to come as well. It's been TOO LONG since I've seen them. Oh, and C. Can't forget her. (By the way, I'm going to be making the switch to code names here soon… it will be so much easier for reading purposes, I think, than initials. Less confusion. I know a lot of J's.) I might be forgetting a few people right now, but I'll be making a list (and checking it twice, hah!) and running it past C to make sure I don't forget anything.

So that's the plan. What I'd like to do is slightly different… well, not different, because I really want to do the above. (Maybe I'll do something silly like make it a sparkle party and ask everyone who comes to wear something sparkly or brightly colored? Best dressed gets a prize! Oh my goodness, yes… I think that has to happen, despite C's inevitable protests. I need to have some fun in my dreary existence!) What I'd like for my birthday (though it wouldn't all fit in one day, or even be feasible necessarily):
-Get a massage from Brenda/Belinda (can't remember her name) at the massage clinic.
-Go Goodwill shopping and get some adorable "big girl" clothes: a cute shirt, a couple pairs of comfy pants, a pair of gym shorts, a dress that doesn't require a bra that I can throw on when I leave the house.
-Get gussied up and go out to eat.
-Bookstore browsing and buy a book.
-Get new lingerie and have hot sex with my husband.
-Forget the lingerie-- have hot sex with my husband!
-A task force to swoop in and set up my craft room for me so it's useable.
-Try out that Juiced place.
-Eat a turkey sandwich- lettuce (no mayo, alas, but I think my salad dressing will do!), tomato, turkey, maybe some cucumber… all on toasted bread. (Bread! Sweet, nutty, deliciously chewy bread! *sigh* I'm in lust with bread.)
-Get a pedicure.
-Have a cleaning service come and thoroughly deep clean my house.
-Get a cute new haircut and re-dye it red.
-Get another set of ear piercings.

Simple wishes, I suppose. I won't get most or any of them, simply because of financial constraints, but it's nice to dream, eh? I won't be decorating the house at all, probably, for the cake and pie fest, but I am going to have C help me clean it the day before so it's at least decent. Maybe I can wrangle some other folks into helping us, too… guilt trip them about it being my birthday weekend so they can deny me nothing ;)

So a Lite Brite Sparkle Party with cake and pie and yes I'm going to eat REAL cake this year you guys! I'm SO excited. So, so, so excited. I haven't had real cake since… since… um… Well, that german chocolate cake I made for myself a few years back was bomb, and you couldn't even tell it wasn't "real", so I'm just going to count that as the last time I had a good piece of cake. Even M, who is a chef, couldn't tell that it was super allergy friendly! Anyway, I'm excited about celebrating my birthday with those I know and love. I don't expect presents at all, I just want to eat cake with them and hang out. Maybe I'll say, "in lieu of presents, please donate to the Celebirthsary fund so that the couple can enjoy their first anniversary in style!". That would be a good present; a fun Celebirthsary weekend. I know it would really cheer C up if we were able to buy something while there. He's bummed because we're only going to be able to sightsee this trip, with maybe a small souvenir here or there, but nothing substantial… like a weapon. He likes buying weapons at the Faire, and who could blame him? They are well made and fairly priced. You can't find that kind of thing around our town.

(I just told C about the Lite Brite Sparkle party. He seemed dubious. He said he was going to wear his blue shirt, and I said that it wasn't even bright or sparkly at all. He laughed and said he was going to come in last! Funny guy.)

So today has been one of those good, lazy days. The gang came over for DnD last night, but I was far too tired to make it through more than the first few steps of the encounter. M put me into "Hammer Space", which is basically the "cartoon pocket" of the universe. So I was there, without actually being there, and the real me took off to go take a nap. M gave me one of her muscle relaxers from the accident, since I was hurting and stuff, and it really helped me to get to sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping the past few days from pain, so it was a relief to sack out for a while, and laying down no less! The past few nights have been spent propped up on the couch so I could drift off, since it hurt too much to breathe when I was lying down.

So I slept for several hours, woke up to eat something, went back to bed for several hours, woke up for a little while and had breakfast, then went down for a few more hours. I was awake for a few hours when I went to go take another nap with C, who hadn't climbed out of bed yet. I didn't actually get to sleep, but we did stay in bed for a while, which was nice. (My mood is greatly improved from yesterday, as C has proved that he is still a willing participant of marital privileges. It's been a great relief, I'll tell you that for sure.) Also, a big plus to sleeping in bed is that when C came to bed we were able to cuddle up together. I haven't gotten to sleep-cuddle with C in probably just as long as we've been abstinent, since I've either been in too much pain to touch, not in bed at the same time as him, or sleeping out on the couch. It is such a simple yet profound joy to briefly stir to consciousness and feel your love's warm arm draped over you and his feet entangled with yours. Words cannot describe it, but it's one of my favorite parts of being with C. Is that weird? I don't care. It makes me happy.

When we clambered out of bed we both hopped into the shower and then watched an episode of the show we're watching together. He wandered off to go play a game on the comp and I've been watching Netflix. I'm tired, though, and my tummy's a little upset, so I think I might brew up a mug of tea then crash for however long I end up sleeping. The "nice" thing about being disabled is that I don't have anything pressing to be up for in the morning and I can sleep whenever I'd like. (Well, whenever I can, as the case may be…) There's always a positive, right?

M brought a book over for me to read, and as weird as it is I find myself strangely fascinated with it and I've been reading it off and on throughout the past few days. It's set back in the ancient days of Egypt, but it totally references contemporary Biblical events of the time, which is cool.

I'm totally yawning my head off. Time to hit the hay for a while. I like lazy days… when they're spent with company. It gets kind of boring when you're all by yourself, day after day. I would know.

Ren faire!!! Well, the little local one, anyway. My friend K devised an ingenious footrest/sling for the Chariot so that I was able to sit and be pushed around by C most of the time. Despite that, I am very much paying for my outing today, but you know what? I totally don't care! It was worth it.

It was so nice to get out of the house, and I'd hoarded pain pills against this day. I also didn't use them all, so I should (hopefully) have enough to get me through to my pain appointment tomorrow, but only just. I'm trying to spend most of the time in a drugged sleep, surfacing only long enough to pack and prepare for my appointment. I know I'm overdosing on stuff that I'm not supposed to be overdosing, but it's either that or stay awake with the pain and let it feed on itself… which means that it'll take more pills than I have to break the pain cycle. Sometimes, though, I get this nice little buzz, a cozy sort of warm fuzziness, off of the sleeping meds (depending on circumstances, how much I've taken, how much is still in my system, etc.) and it feels good. That in and of itself kind of scares me, but it's nice to feel something other than pain for a change. As of right now, I can feel the last batch I took (about half an hour ago) starting to kick in. My intense headache is being muffled, my eyes are getting kinda heavy, and I just feel a little… fuzzy. And slightly dizzy. But mostly fuzzy.

Want to see pictures of the foot sling? Check it out-- kickboxing wraps for the straps, a couple of carabiners, and a wire shelf that looks suspiciously like a baking rack.

Also, the urge struck me (and I had hours to kill while C was sleeping), so I took the time to do my makeup today. I have some eyeshadow tutorials on Pinterest that I used as an inspiration, since I pretty much have no idea what I'm doing, but I think it came out well. I just hate putting on makeup because it takes so much effort to take it off again! Wish I'd gotten a picture of me in garb as well, but I didn't think of it… so here's me in my pajamas! lol

I had quite the social, busy weekend (comparatively). C's rigorous run of scheduled overtime is over for now, so he's back to having two whole days off in a row, which means I get double the amount of time with him that I've had of late. It felt so luxurious! Anyway, I already wrote about our fabulous Normal Day on Friday, but Saturday and Sunday were good days, too.

Saturday we didn't do much of anything except grocery shop and then hang out around the house doing our own various things. C played Guild Wars 2, I read book 2 of the Demon Cycle series again, and then our friends came over for the Pathfinder session M is running. C is still pleased that I finally joined him in playing DnD (I know, I know, Pathfinder isn't technically DnD, but whatever, ok purists?), so even during the times when I am tired and don't really feel like playing I do anyway, if just to make him happy. I usually find that I end up enjoying myself after all, so it's a pretty win-win situation.

This weekend, though, our friends brought a new girl with them, A. She and non-DM M and I had a hard time shutting up and actually playing, much to the annoyance of the guys. Ah well. They can suck it. Now they know how it feels when they are gabbering incessantly about DnD stuff when we just want to have normal conversations. We played for a few hours, then I ran off to get ready for my "date" with a girlfriend of mine. There was an after-Halloween costume party at a couple of bars in Old Town, so we suited up and headed out. I'd never been to a bar with a friend before, and guess what? It's totally boring. Neither of us drink, and I don't dance, so we just kind of explored the building, watched other people dance and drink for a few minutes, then decided to go somewhere and have tea. We ended up at this cool little 50's style diner that's been around forever, yet I've never been inside until that night. She had tea, but I fell hard for their vanilla cola, which is basically regular Coke with a few squirts of their vanilla syrup thrown in. It was much sweeter than store bought Vanilla Coke, and I loved it. We sat and talked for probably about 3 hours, discussing our lives, telling funny stories, learning about one another and how we both intimidated each other at first (sound familiar, J?) and didn't think that the other wanted to be our friend (again, sound familiar?)... we also told stories on the two guys, C and D, 'cause she and D have been friends since pre-school and even dated at one point. Needless to say, she knows him well and hilariously. He and C are pretty similar, so I'm almost surprised that they get along as well as they do. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that. It was a good, fun time, and I feel that we made a big step forward in our friendship.

The next day, I wasn't near as sick or drained as I thought that I would be after the activities of the previous two days which was excellent. A came over and brought both sets of Batman series movies, and we watched the only one I hadn't seen yet, The Dark Knight. C and I watched about half of The Dark Knight Rises when he got home, and a lot of stuff made so much more sense after seeing The Dark Knight! Anyway, while we were watching the movie A was struck with a craving for steak, so she zipped to the store and then cooked up some steak for the both of us, leaving a tidy little portion in the fridge for C who was pleasantly surprised when he came home from work. I ended up taking two couple-hour naps yesterday, but I was able to do some yoga, stretching, and brief (very) light exercises last night, even after socializing for several hours. I did feel it later, though, when I was unable to do as many of the dishes as I wanted because I was in too much pain to stand.

Today I cleaned the kitchen, though I'm definitely feeling the backlash from that and need to be careful not to overdo it. The nausea that I had been so overwhelmed with has eased up the past few days, and I'm so grateful for the good days that I had. I don't want to overcompensate and make myself sick, but neither do I want to fritter away the days that I can step up and maybe do a little more. I want to push myself, to refuse to give up, but yet to be wise and a good steward of my health. It's all a fine balancing act... and the rules seem to change day by day. Good thing I'm resilient and adaptable.

Today, I felt like a normal person.

Not that I didn't feel sick; that's just silly. But the activities of the day had me reminiscing of a time when I thought nothing of going out for an evening with C, whereas now it's become a special treat.

It started this morning/afternoon, when I opened the door to let Juneaux into the bedroom to wake up C, and he rolled over and gestured to me while mumbling, "Come here, woman." I lay down with him and cuddled up close, and we dozed comfortably for a time. Then the dozing turned to nuzzling and kissing, which of course led to other more "adult" activities. (I love being married with a house of our own. It's nice to just jump each other whenever we want.) C jumped on the computer to finish the daily missions for Guild Wars 2 and I ate lunch while reading through a favorite book. C was still working on his dailies when I was done eating, so I went down for a nap.

When he was done, he came and got me and I pulled my supplies together for our evening errands and planned fun. We went to see Ender's Game! We've both read the book and love sci-fi, so we've been eager to see the movie adaptation... as wary as I am of movie adaptations of books. I was pleasantly surprised, though. I think they did a good job. We both wished that they had more time, though, because it just felt very abbreviated in many places. It was good, but I don't think it does the book justice. Not like The Hunger Games did. Anyway, we watched the movie and then went for a walk around the mall afterward. The air was surprisingly warm, yet with a hint of coolness that reminded me that fall is upon us. We stopped in a game store and an electronics store to browse a bit, then swung by the pharmacy on the way home to pick up one of my scripts, fill up my water jugs, and grab some more lavender bath salts for me. There is a bookstore just down the row from my pharmacy, so C suggested we go in and look around, and I readily agreed. I popped into the coffee shop and got a caramel macchiato, and it turned out to be happy hour so I got another coffee drink for free! I picked out a cafe latte with a shot of hazelnut syrup, meaning to save it for tomorrow, but I ended up drinking them both while we browsed together.

I had been thinking lately about a particular person that I worked with at the beginning of my judicial process after disclosing my sexual abuse, Detective M. I thought I might see her at the Vigil, and I did see someone that looked similar to her, but she did not show. Imagine my surprise when I turned into an aisle of the bookstore and found her standing there! We had a nice little chat, and we met each other's husbands. She is really happy that I'm working with E and that the HJ is doing so well. She explained that she deals with enough of the darkness of abuse without dealing with the aftermath of the emotions, which is why she avoids the vigils and extracurricular stuff, which I totally understand. I was happy to have run into her. She's a very pleasant person, and I like her.

After leaving the bookstore, we stopped by the library on the way home so that I could return a few books and movies, then headed home. C was playing one of my favorite cd's on the radio and I was singing along. We held hands while he drove, as we are wont to do. I thanked him for the evening several times, because it was just so... normal. I felt like a "real" person again, out for a low-key evening of enjoyment with my husband. It was like the kind of dates that we used to go on, and it was even sort of spur of the moment, a rarity these days.

Tomorrow I have plans as well. We're going to be continuing our Pathfinder campaign, of course, but then another of my friends and I are going to dress up in costume and visit a local bar that's having a post-Halloween fling. Neither of us drink, really, but we're looking forward to dressing up and going out. (Actually, I can't drink, 'cause of the meds.) We won't be out long, I'm sure, but it'll be a fun experience. I've never gone out to a bar with friends before, so this'll be a new experience. I plan to go as a beauty pageant queen, especially because the dress I have for that requires no bra! That's a major win in my book.

I've had some disappointments lately in trying to make new friends, and I've been quite lonely. I don't want to hang out with everyone that I know, as some people are just not good company or they're energy drainers or I just don't want to be around them for a length of time for one reason or another. My efforts to make new friends, though, have been falling flat on their faces. I was flat out called offensive and told goodbye by a girl that I was trying to set up a first meeting with. Another girl and I connected really well and talked practically nonstop via email and text for a week before meeting up for dinner, which went well, I thought. After that, though, she just stopped responding to my texts and emails, and I don't know what the heck happened. Another girl that I was supposed to meet up with stopped returning my emails, as well as one who was just looking for an email buddy. All this within a few weeks, and to be honest... it was hurtful and bewildering. I felt so rejected and unlikeable... so I said as much on facebook. I got an overwhelming show of confidence from friends near and far, and some of my friends/acquaintances here in Y are trying to help alleviate my loneliness. Hence the bar tomorrow night. Unfortunately, some of those people that are taking it upon themselves to alleviate my loneliness are people that I don't actually want to hang out with for the reasons stated above... but I really see no way out of it, since I stated my loneliness quite clearly and publicly. I can't just turn around and say, "Yeah, well, I don't really want to hang out with you!", can I? It feels extremely rude to turn them down. So... yeah. Got myself into a little of a pickle there.

Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed today's activities, and I'm savoring the fact that I actually have plans with a friend tomorrow! It just feels so... normal. So blessedly, blissfully normal.

Yeah, I know I'm going to pay for this weekend in no small way (I'm already really feeling it from our outing this evening), but in my mind it's totally worth it. Totally. I wish I didn't have to pay a price to engage in the semblance of a social life, but it is what it is. I'll embrace the joy and survive the fallout, as always.

The inside of me wants to do things.

My mind swirls with dozens of different options.

I could organize my craft room some more.

I could clean the house.

I could scrub out both showers (but especially ours!).

I could make those ribbons.

I could get fancy and take that picture.

I could give the cats a bath.

I could paint/draw/chalk.

I could make those earrings.

I could do laundry.

I could put away the laundry that I did last week.

I could cook something delicious.

I could bake something.

I could organize my kitchen cabinets.

I could clean out that set of drawers and move it into my craft room.

I could watch another movie.

I could go for a walk.

I could make some more Christmas presents.

I could wrap some more Christmas presents.

I could practice my song for the vigil.

I could practice my talk for the vigil and the military breakfast.

I could take a hot bath.

But the outside of me sounds a bit more like this...

Hruuuuunggggrrrrrblllllllgrphh.... Why did you do this to meeeeeeee?! Don't you move. Don't even think about moving. You can't do any of those things. I won't let you. In fact, you should actually stop typing now, too. No more typing. No fun things, and I know you consider cleaning to be fun. You can't fool me. You're done. Just sit there and think about what you did.

Worst part is, the concert wasn't even good. But the sex was. And I'm paying for both. (And the day of business before that.)

Not fair, really.

The weekend I have planned:

Saturday
-Watch movie and make DV vigil ribbons
-Visit the library and get more movies
-Skype with J
-Doll myself up, take photographs with a sign for a friend
-Play with kitties
-Go to Classics By Moonlight concert (classical music outdoors by the light of the full moon!!!)

Sunday
-Browse the newly opened Farmer's Market
-Tidy the house
-Watch movie, make more ribbons if need be, make earrings if not.
-Play with kitties
-Skype with J?
-Call my mom
-Give kitties a bath

The weekend as it will probably go down:

Saturday
-Watch movie, make a few vigil ribbons
-Skype with J
-Doll myself up, take photographs
-Concert
-Hold down couch/bed/pay for the active day

Sunday
-Pay for Saturday
-Play with kitties
-Watch movie
-Hold down couch/bed/continue to pay

Thank the high heavens that my GP gave me a script for pain meds, because even after 3 days in a row of contacting my rheum I never heard back from her. This, after she has told me two visits in a row that if I'm having a hard time in between visits with my pain or going into crisis not to self-medicate but to call her. Hmm. It was going to be a special kind of hell, going into the super busy DV vigil week with all of my speaking engagements and such with no pain killers.

(I was worried about not being able to get it filled, like that whole fiasco I had a couple of months back, but they filled it with no problems and no questions. I hate going for pain pill refills because I always have this horrible feeling (not from anything they do, really, just because) of being a druggie and that they're going to refuse me my meds and I'm going to have to try to eke out an existence without them... and the thought is absolutely horrifying. I think it has to do with my experience with that jerk pharmacist who wouldn't fill my prescription even though he was supposed to. He is the head pharmacist of that place, so he's god apparently... I really dislike him. Clearly.)

Anyway, here's an excerpt from an email I wrote J in the wee hours of the morning. It's nice to know that even delirious from lack of sleep (couldn't sleep 'cause pain and ptsd stuff), I can form intelligent run-on sentences. :)

"But when I visited my general practitioner today, we had a really good conversation. She brought out the connection between my autoimmune diseases and my insufficient adrenals, telling me that the insufficient adrenals makes it harder for me to fight the autoimmune stuff, and also the meds to fight the immune stuff are immune suppressants, and my body has a hard time handling that because it's already deficient in stress-handling materials. Also, she pointed out that my weight gain can partially be attributed to the steroids that I'm on for the adrenals (which I can't get off of, handily enough, or it could make me seeeeriously sick-- I should be getting my medic alert bracelet for adrenal insufficiency, food and adhesive allergies soon!) and the fact that I'm now pretty much completely sedentary due to the pain. The meds have some to do with it, but the sedentary lifestyle is the bigger part. She did make it a point to emphasize that I'm still within healthy BMI limits, just heavier than I was a year ago by 30 lbs. She completely believes me about the autoimmune (and brings it up and points out connections between symptoms at every single appointment), supports me in my decision to switch rheumatologists (she even said that she hopes this new doctor is more aggressive in treating my autoimmune problems because we can't just hang on to an undiagnosed connective tissue disease label forever and call it good, especially since I'm just continuing to decline and not even in a holding pattern), and told me that I've had a special place in her heart ever since she first saw me because I'm so young and suffering from so many different problems. 

It really just kills her that I'm in so much pain and so sick at this stage in my life. She travels a lot, so I think she is looking at me and seeing my opportunities for adventure completely disappeared, much less a typical fulfilling life for a twenty-something... you know, a family and work and such. I really enjoy visiting her, because she genuinely cares and really wants to do everything in her power to figure out what's wrong and to help make it right. That's what I want out of a rheumatologist, but I'm not getting. She even said that my symptoms and diseases are beyond her scope of practice, but she'd help me if she could. I wish she could. She was the one who discovered that my titers were elevated ("very high!") and sent me off to the rheum where I got my fibro diagnosis right off the bat. She's been the aggressive tester and treater, and I hardly ever see her. My endocrinologist is a religious tester as well, and I only see her every 2 or 3 months. I get more tests done from these two than I have my entire year with the rheum, and they're supposed to be the ones figuring out what the heck is wrong with me! Shoot, I saw the neurologist all of two times, and he did more tests than the rheum had in the entire year to figure out the problem. Why did I not see this sooner? I guess I just like to assume the best about people, assume that they're working to their utmost capacity... I sure hope this new practice accepts me. They can decline me, after all."

I think that says it all. Very wordily.

The drive up was pretty uneventful. We didn't have to leave by any certain time, really, so we both packed the day of (because I was overworked and exhausted the day before), though I'd already stocked the fridge and pantry with my provisions for the week. C drove most of the way, though I took over for a few hours so he could nap. It was much different than the other times I've made that drive, where I've always been by myself and had to drive the whole way. Then again, I'm also in a different place physically than I was the last time I made that drive a year and a half ago.

Due to traffic and construction, we arrived a little later than we thought we would, but in enough time to surprise J as she and a couple of others were preparing to leave the house and stay in Lton for the weekend. While I wasn't able to sneak up on her like I would have wanted (she knew that a "surprise" would be coming up the driveway), she was definitely enthused and surprised. Funnily enough, so was K, because she had forgotten that we were coming that day!

C and I spent that evening recuperating some, as we were both exhausted and not feeling well after the long trip. He fell asleep super early and slept all night. It was difficult to get a good rest upstairs because it was so very hot (no AC, much to C's consternation lol), but we managed. The next day was Friday, and we headed into Otown to pick up my medical records, show C the town, and see a few old friends. We also had a lunch date set up with a couple of my friends, but I found some time in the morning to go out to the gardens and relieve a few strawberry plants of their burden. I didn't even get close to picking all of them, as they're not being picked on a regular basis and so are overloaded, but I got a sizable batch that I split into 3. One was for B, one for my friends M and S, and the other for J. We hung around in Otown for the afternoon then drove into Lton for J's rehearsal dinner. I'm glad that I wasn't able to make it for any of her bridal showers, as I admit that I would have had a hard time swallowing my jealousy. I know that the pre-festivities have no bearing on the wedding or marriage itself, but I still do feel gipped. Oh well. It is what it is, and I'm very happy regardless.

At the rehearsal dinner (which was beautifully set up, I might add!) C got fed with some good food and I munched on what I had brought with me. Before we even got around to the dinner, W and J led an entourage the block and a half from the church to their new little apartment that they're leasing. It's really cute! Small, but cute. They actually don't have much less square footage than we do, but the way ours is laid out makes it look much bigger.

The next day we headed into town to hang out with H, her husband S, and the two kids S and A. The kids were so excited at the rehearsal dinner when they found out that we would be coming to their house the next day! S was actually jumping up and down with excitement. It brought a warm glow to my heart, because it was me he was so excited to see. They call me Auntie Cassandra, which I think is awesome. Anyway, I made it into the gardens before we left again, so we went to H's house armed with a large tupperware container full of freshly picked, ginormous blueberries. We ended up eating most of them while we sat around looking at wedding pictures on my computer and telling funny stories. C and S seemed to hit it off quite well, and C was very impressed with the K's as a whole. He could tell that they are good people, and he said that if all Christians were like them then the world would have a LOT less problems, and the church too. I was invited to "girl's night" at the hotel in Lton, but it's 2 hours away from home and I knew that I'd need to be rested up for the next day, which was the day of the wedding.

We left the house on Sunday at a compromised time of 10 so that I could get to the hotel in time to finish getting ready with the girls of the wedding party. C took my laptop and a movie and sat in the hotel lobby (fully dressed for the wedding in a 3 piece suit!) to watch the movie. The timing was perfect, because I had just enough time to get myself ready before we headed over the park, and I also arrived with enough time to be partially through curling my hair when J showed up and I got to help her into her wedding dress. She was a truly beautiful bride, and I loved her hairdo with the fresh flowers that were slipped into it. She appeared to be much calmer than I was on my wedding day, but then again I have no way of knowing what kind of vibe I was giving off, so... Then again, she had everything organized and laid out, whereas I didn't as much.

When I was done getting ready I collected C and we headed over to the park to eat a light lunch. We wandered around sorta helping out, greeting old (for me) and new (for C) friends, and just observing. I was careful not to do too much because I was already not feeling too hot, and I knew that I'd need a lot of endurance to make it through the rest of the day. I got called over to join the family wedding photos at one point, which made me feel very special. I know that we consider each other to be sisters, but it's the public inclusions and acknowledgments that seem to be able to make or break the affiliation, especially in others' view. D was not there, obviously, and that was a sad thing, but W and J used his Bible with the well worn pages for their service, and there was a chair reserved for him with a single red rose placed in front of a sign that read, "In Loving Memory of D S".

C and I were in the third row, so we had a clear view of all the proceedings, and they were beautiful. I liked that the service was short, sweet, and to the point, but obviously very meaningful and thought out. You could just see the happiness radiating off of those two! It made me smile :)

After they ran back down the aisle as Mr. and Mrs. for a little quiet time, we wandered over to the reception area and sat at an empty table to see who would join us. Our table was sparsely populated until toward the end, when H and S joined us, though H was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. It only makes sense, as she was the wedding coordinator, and was probably doing the same at my wedding though I hardly noticed! The couple took pains to provide gluten free options for everything, so I ate very well and even had TWO pieces of cake! I had not had cake in so long, and it was a bit shocking to my stomach because of all the sugar, but it was totally worth it. I went through the receiving line and hugged the bride and groom and was once again hit with how grateful I was to be there. I would have been so very disappointed to have missed that.

There was only one hitch, which happened sometime between pieces of cake, and that was that a yellow jacket somehow crawled up my dress. The bees and yellow jackets are terrible up there this year, and as J's decorations were comprised primarily of flowers we had a lot of them hanging around the wedding and reception. We were leaving each other alone just fine until I felt some sort of a itching sensation to the right of my sacrum (lower back), so naturally I reached back and sort of felt around/scratched to get rid of the problem. That's when I felt the stab of pain, instantly realized that I had been bitten or stung by something, and crushed the area with the flat of my palm as hard as I could. I guess I got the thing, because I didn't get stung again. I did, however, scream very loudly, jump up and knock both my chair and my neighbor's water glass over, and shout some sort of expressive phrase like "good grief" or something. (I am soooooo glad that my brain's filter was firmly in place this weekend and I didn't drop a huge, loud F-bomb right in the middle of my sister's reception. Considering that 99.9% of the attendees were good, staunch conservative SDA's... that wouldn't have gone over so well.) H came to the rescue with a plaster of mud and wet paper towels, and that took the heat out of it for a while. One of the other guests picked some plantain that was growing at the park, and I chewed up the leaves and held the poultice on with a couple of bandaids overnight. The sting went away with no trouble, but I had a lot of itching and redness, even some swelling, from the adhesives on the bandaids. Oh well. It was the lesser of two evils at that point.

After the festivities had wound down, the marriage license was signed, and the garter and bouquet thrown, the guests formed a corridor for the couple to dash through to their getaway car while we showered them with dried lavender flowers. The park smelled great! Hehe.

C and I headed home and pretty much collapsed into bed. Well, I did at any rate... (Ok, maybe after having a little fun of our own...) I had to say my goodbyes at the reception, as that was the last we would see of anyone before we skipped town. The next morning C and I packed up the truck, tidied the house, and headed back home. That trip is a post in and of itself, so I'll save it for later. I will say that I am thrilled to have Juneaux back home with me, though! He seems to be adjusting well, though he hasn't been outside yet. That'll happen in a few days, after we get him a collar and tag. We wanted to make sure he'd come back, so we've been keeping him inside. I don't want any Milo and Otis/Homeward Bound stuff going on, with him trying to get back up north! This is home now.

So I couldn't say anything here or on fb for fear of ruining the surprise, but C and I drove up to Id for J's wedding weekend! Yep. We are now firmly ensconced in the S's home, watching over it while they're all crammed into a hotel room together. I'll be doing some cramming of my own over the weekend, but it's nice to have a peaceful, quiet place to relax in. Although C did most of the driving, it was still a grueling trip, and neither of us are feeling very good right now.

C, J's mom, had told her this morning that she would have a surprise rolling in about noon, but she had no idea it would be us! Her delight and enthusiasm more than made up for the difficulty of the trip, and I for one am thrilled to be here. A HUGE thanks to my mother for supplying the gas money and making it possible!

It is strangely sad, though, to be here and know that D is dead. It casts a solemn pall over what would otherwise be a strictly joyful trip, but that's to be expected. I knew this would happen, and so did C.

Also, when I went outdoors and called Juneaux he appeared immediately and was incredibly happy to see me. He had no troubles remembering his mother at all! That made me happy. I missed my sweet baby boy.

I figure it's high time I wrote about the wedding and the surrounding events, before the rapid pace of life whirls me too far away to remember anything that happened.

The weeks leading up to the wedding were fairly peaceful. C insisted that I pace myself, learn to "rest" and "relax", whatever that means. (It meant I did a lot of sitting around, bored out of my mind, is what it meant!) As the wedding drew closer, though, I became very grateful for those rest periods, because the heat started turning up.

I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle a ton of stress, so I deliberately planned my wedding tasks in such a way that by the time the week before the wedding came, I would have practically nothing to do. I am certainly glad that I did, because last minute tasks cropped up by the dozen! In addition to finishing up last minute details, my family arrived a few days before the wedding. Of course, I wanted to spend time with them, plus I still had school to attend to, so I was bouncing all over the place, trying to keep my bases covered. Fortunately for me, C had the week before the wedding completely off of work, which was a huge blessing. He was able to help me accomplish tasks and even take care of things that I was unable to handle myself. (Like the day he did my laundry for me, because I had to be out at work/school all day and knew I'd be exhausted by the time I made it home.) I could really get used to having him around more often, I tell you...

The week before the wedding was a blur. Those extended rest periods? Gone by the wayside. My family was in town, I was working, going to school, trying to coordinate a bunch of people and recover from our weekend trip out of town, all at the same time. I really don't remember much of it, frankly, except that I was tired a lot, and I was in pain a lot. I do remember taking R with me to my acupuncturist so that he could see and understand for himself what we're trying to accomplish, and so that she could explain the necessity for such intense and prolonged (and expensive!) treatment to him firsthand.

The Thursday before the wedding, we met with our officiant to go over the ceremony and make sure that we were all on the same page. The S's and H were scheduled to get in that day, somewhat late I thought. Turns out they showed up while we were with our officiant, so we had to run over there and settle them into the house they'd be staying at. It was empty at the time, because I was housesitting for the owners, so having people there full time really took a burden off my mind. Plus they fed the dogs for me! After getting them squared away, C and I went back to our errands.

When I walked out the door that Thursday morning, I had a plan of attack in my mind, and I knew just how the day was going to go. Cash a check, go shopping for a last minute "thank you" gift with my mom and the girls in the morning, hit my acupuncture appointment, meet our officiant, rest a bit, then welcome the girls to their "new home". Yeah, not so much... I walked outside to find that my car had a completely flat tire! And then, on top of that, Mom was running about an hour late. (Not abnormal at all.) We just had time to pick up what I needed before we had to race back to make my appointment on time. Then came the officiant's meeting, followed by the mad dash to let the girls in, and then a trip to get my tire fixed. That took a good chunk of time, and after that I had to stop by the pharmacy and get my prescription straightened out, which also took a good hour or so. By the time we made it home, I'd been going for like, 8 hours straight, and I was a zombie. I had run out of spoons hours before, but I forced myself to keep going, because what else can you do?

Friday came, full of lounging by my parent's hotel room pool, putting together favors, and just generally having a pretty good time. It was nice, and we got most of the last minute stuff squared away. I sucked it up and asked for help from my minions, since they were all so eager to make sure that I was resting and relaxing and not wearing myself ragged. (Pride. It's hard for me to ask for help, since I "should" be able to do some of these things myself, right?) J baked our special cupcakes, K cleaned my bathroom, and H worked on wedding stuff.

Saturday was the day before the wedding, and the stress was back on. Mom came over after church to play around with my hair and makeup, and we baaaaarely got me figured out before it was time to dash over to the park for the rehearsal. I was fine, up until we had to actually go through the motions and say the words that we'd be saying the next day. I felt like I was going to throw up, or pass out, or any combination of the two. I really, really did not want to be getting married the next day. (The photographers noted in later conversation that they could tell, because apparently the expressions on my face mirrored my inside emotions. Greaaaaaat. I really want that recorded for posterity!)

As we were pulling into the park for the rehearsal, I got a phone call from the bakery. The nice baker lady was calling to inquire if I'd be coming to pick up my cake, since they were closing for the weekend in half an hour. Needless to say, I died a little inside, but I assured the nice baker lady that someone was supposed to be in charge of picking up the cake, and I was sure she was on her way. I then hung up and put it out of my mind, since there was absolutely nothing I could do about the situation. If we didn't have cake, we didn't have cake. Oh well.

After the rehearsal, C and I headed out to dinner with some of his family, and I really enjoyed myself. I was able to find something to order straight off of the menu, with no alterations or substitutions! WOW.  That, like, never happens. I was pretty thrilled, and it turned out to be delicious... if not entirely healthy. (Chicken wrapped in bacon and topped with melted cheese? No?) While we were out to dinner, my minions were at my place, frosting cupcakes. Mom was there doing something too, but I can't remember what.

I was surprised that I was able to sleep at all the night before the wedding, but C and I cuddled right up to each other and I drifted off with remarkable ease.

The wedding day is a whole entire post on its own, so I'll stop here.

I will say, however, that I was thrilled to have as many family and friends be able to make it for my wedding as did. There was so much emotional rollercoastering going on in the weeks and months prior to the wedding as I found out that certain beloved folks could/could not come... I finally just went numb and accepted that whatever was going to happen was going to happen and I just couldn't spare the emotions for it anymore.

Spending time with my family and the girls was definitely a highlight of the days leading up to the wedding, for sure. I guess that, no matter how far away I move, I'll always be a homebody of sorts at heart.

Okay, I'm definitely better after some sleep... and a couple of inspirational posts by fellow chronic illness bloggers.

I'm actually not up for the day, but I woke up because my bladder was screaming at me, and my stomach was hollering for food. So I'm up for quick snack, but it's back to bed with me in a few minutes.

Look for wedding posts coming up soon, but I did want to make a couple of quick notes of little things that I'll forget if I don't record.

First, and most notably, C and I had all kinds of fun, introspective conversation snatches during the honeymoon itself, and the ride back home. I learned a few things.

• C genuinely thinks that I'm attractive and beautiful. (Right, it's one of those things that you already know, but it's nice to learn it again and again.)
• He considers me the type who doesn't get easily offended over things.
• I am not a nagger by nature. I really have to try to nag in order to get it right.
• Unless I change as a person (i.e. becoming super Christian again and trying to force that upon C), he cannot conceive of a scenario where he would regret marrying me. He said that even if I become super ill, bedridden and unable to take care of myself, he would still not regret marrying me. He would be sad at what happened to me, but he would not regret marrying me at all.
• C is happy that we are building a life together as well, he just is not giddily happy about it as I am. He is reserving judgment on the whole scenario until the "honeymoon phase" passes-- about 6 months in. (This is similar to him refusing to be excited/happy about the house until he's got the front door key in his hand.)
• C has no expectations for married life. He considered marriage to be more of a goal, like a box on a checklist. He has been working towards marriage because that's just what you do: grow up, get a job, move out, get married, have a family. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Another thing is that guys will get all kinds of goofy in the head, evidenced by big goofy smiles, when you step outside your comfort zone to do something fun and sexy for them, no matter how nervous you are.

Thirdly, people treat you all kinds of nice when they find out you're a newlywed. How long does the newlywed status apply, anyway? Like, really, how long can I milk this? ;)

I'm still not anxious to return to "normal life". Vacation was nice, I won't lie. And having a vacation with someone else? It's so different than taking off on a trip or adventure of my own! Especially when that someone else pays for everything! ^_^ Truthfully, though, we did spend a few hundred less dollars than he was anticipating. We used less gas than C thought we would (all the attractions were within a five minute drive of the hotel), we ate out less, and the Sea World tickets were already paid for, so...

We did pick up one souvenir, besides the stamped pennies that I collected everywhere we went. We got a blown glass paperweight thingy, an elongated circle with a flat bottom. It has a white jellyfish inside that glows in the dark. Very cool. It was between that or a Sea World t-shirt. Um, no contest! I plan to use the four or five pennies as part of a commemorative windchime (seashells and pennies, anyone?), and I kept the maps and tickets and stuff to scrapbook along with our wedding photos.

We didn't take many photos, but here's a random bonus photo, just for fun. (He said he was smiling. Hmm.)

Today is usually my busiest day of the week to begin with, so I'm a little apprehensive as to whether I'll make it through in decent form...

Yesterday was an open day-- work canceled, nothing else planned but group-- yet I was flat on my back with pain, fatigue, and nausea by 7:30. I had to leave group early, and the pain was so bad throughout the evening that by bedtime that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep. I slept like a log, though, thank goodness!

Yesterday was a tough pain day. I took more pain killers than usual, and was contemplating taking more at bedtime when the pain was so bad.

But today... today we're meeting with the mortgage company to discuss our options for buying the house (since all that went to hell in a handbasket rather quickly, through no fault of ours), I've got two classes and work today, and then... and then...

My family arrives tonight!!!

Yes, that I'm excited about :D I love my family dearly, so it's been hard to only see them once a year.

When they arrive, they'll be heading over to BJ and F's house to see them before they leave early tomorrow morning for M.

Yes, today is going to be a loooooong day... but so worth it.

Tomorrow, I've got my 2nd acupunture appointment, C and I meet with the officiant, and I'll definitely be hanging out with the family. Oh, and did I mention that the girls and H roll in tomorrow? Yeah! So exciting!

Friday, we'll all be hanging out and swimming at Mom and R's hotel pool, I'm sure. Cupcakes need to be made, H and I need to put our heads together and make sure we're solid for the big day, but other than that, "girls just wanna have fun." Oh, yeah, and my pre-wedding massage is set for Friday, too. I'm SO looking forward to that! (My yoga teacher is the practitioner, and she's pretty much freakin' amazing.)

Saturday, the girls want to go to church and I do not, so while they're at church I'm going to go get my manicure and pedicure. We need to decorate the cupcakes and write on my chalkboard signs, but that's all the wedding prep that needs to happen, except for maybe steaming my dress. Mom and I need to run through my hair and makeup sometime before the wedding, but I don't know what day that's going to happen. We've got the rehearsal Saturday afternoon, and then we're free to do as we like.

I've been debating whether or not to spend the night before the wedding with C, but I dunno... I really want to spend a night with the girls, but it totally doesn't have to be the night before the wedding! As a matter of fact, because of my cold feet and C's remarkable ability to calm me down (and also because all of my meds/food/fibro fighting gear is already at home), it might be best if I spent the night before at home, with C. I can spend Thursday or Friday night over at the place where the girls are staying. I think that's what I'll do.

Sunday, it all breaks loose. My photographer suggested that, because it's Easter, we set up suuuuuper early so that no churches have a chance to horn in on our flat, grassy spot. I was thinking 9 am to begin setup and decorating, she was thinking 7 am. So, happy compromise? Get up at 7, set up some chairs with signs on them that say "Reserved for J-R Wedding" and go back to bed!! lol

Wow. So soon. I somehow felt that I'd have more days with my family and the girls before the wedding, but it's really only a couple. The girls have to leave the day after, with the exception of J, who is flying out right after the ceremony to catch school the next day, but my family is staying an extra couple of days. I'm looking forward to that. Post wedding chilling with my beloved family, and the bonus is that the week after the wedding is my spring break! No classes! Sweeeeeeet.

And it is now time to wake C up and begin the very, very long day that I hope I'll get through alright. I hope I get through all of them alright! I've been a very good girl, so I hope that this hard work pays off. Even if it doesn't... my support system is amazing, and they all understand :) I love that.

Also, with all the stuff going on, and all the people that I love so much around me, I'm almost certainly going to be totally AWOL from the blog world, unless I have something particularly pressing to get off of my chest.

See you on the other side. I'll be Mrs. R. What will you be? ;)

Adventures in Depression (Note: contains two or three f-bombs. If that makes you uncomfortable, don't click this.)

So I used to totally love this blog (except for the swear words she sometimes uses), but she hasn't posted in, like, a year. Which makes me sad. Because she's so funny, and totally hits it head on in the depression/anxiety arena. But I hear she's coming out with a book, which makes me happy.

Also, I had Koala Crisp for breakfast. That, too, makes me happy.

It's Sunday, and I don't have to do anything, really. Just dishes and some prep for group tomorrow. Lazy day? I think so. I won't have too many more of those for a long time.