…I spent the afternoon/evening with a friend of undisclosed name drinking wine coolers (and rum, they had rum mostly) and watching movies.

I regret nothing.

In fact, I feel happier and more relaxed than I have in a while. And especially after the day I had yesterday? It is a huge relief. Enough to make me want to drink again, and soon… which the Dragon does not approve of. lol. Of course, I'll honor his wishes… probably. Sorta.

But man… I feel… relaxed. Happy. Sleepy. I like this "drinking thing" when I do it right and don't make myself sick. I didn't even get drunk. I just got… happy.

It was nice to feel happy again.

So today has been one of those good, lazy days. The gang came over for DnD last night, but I was far too tired to make it through more than the first few steps of the encounter. M put me into "Hammer Space", which is basically the "cartoon pocket" of the universe. So I was there, without actually being there, and the real me took off to go take a nap. M gave me one of her muscle relaxers from the accident, since I was hurting and stuff, and it really helped me to get to sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping the past few days from pain, so it was a relief to sack out for a while, and laying down no less! The past few nights have been spent propped up on the couch so I could drift off, since it hurt too much to breathe when I was lying down.

So I slept for several hours, woke up to eat something, went back to bed for several hours, woke up for a little while and had breakfast, then went down for a few more hours. I was awake for a few hours when I went to go take another nap with C, who hadn't climbed out of bed yet. I didn't actually get to sleep, but we did stay in bed for a while, which was nice. (My mood is greatly improved from yesterday, as C has proved that he is still a willing participant of marital privileges. It's been a great relief, I'll tell you that for sure.) Also, a big plus to sleeping in bed is that when C came to bed we were able to cuddle up together. I haven't gotten to sleep-cuddle with C in probably just as long as we've been abstinent, since I've either been in too much pain to touch, not in bed at the same time as him, or sleeping out on the couch. It is such a simple yet profound joy to briefly stir to consciousness and feel your love's warm arm draped over you and his feet entangled with yours. Words cannot describe it, but it's one of my favorite parts of being with C. Is that weird? I don't care. It makes me happy.

When we clambered out of bed we both hopped into the shower and then watched an episode of the show we're watching together. He wandered off to go play a game on the comp and I've been watching Netflix. I'm tired, though, and my tummy's a little upset, so I think I might brew up a mug of tea then crash for however long I end up sleeping. The "nice" thing about being disabled is that I don't have anything pressing to be up for in the morning and I can sleep whenever I'd like. (Well, whenever I can, as the case may be…) There's always a positive, right?

M brought a book over for me to read, and as weird as it is I find myself strangely fascinated with it and I've been reading it off and on throughout the past few days. It's set back in the ancient days of Egypt, but it totally references contemporary Biblical events of the time, which is cool.

I'm totally yawning my head off. Time to hit the hay for a while. I like lazy days… when they're spent with company. It gets kind of boring when you're all by yourself, day after day. I would know.

Ren faire!!! Well, the little local one, anyway. My friend K devised an ingenious footrest/sling for the Chariot so that I was able to sit and be pushed around by C most of the time. Despite that, I am very much paying for my outing today, but you know what? I totally don't care! It was worth it.

It was so nice to get out of the house, and I'd hoarded pain pills against this day. I also didn't use them all, so I should (hopefully) have enough to get me through to my pain appointment tomorrow, but only just. I'm trying to spend most of the time in a drugged sleep, surfacing only long enough to pack and prepare for my appointment. I know I'm overdosing on stuff that I'm not supposed to be overdosing, but it's either that or stay awake with the pain and let it feed on itself… which means that it'll take more pills than I have to break the pain cycle. Sometimes, though, I get this nice little buzz, a cozy sort of warm fuzziness, off of the sleeping meds (depending on circumstances, how much I've taken, how much is still in my system, etc.) and it feels good. That in and of itself kind of scares me, but it's nice to feel something other than pain for a change. As of right now, I can feel the last batch I took (about half an hour ago) starting to kick in. My intense headache is being muffled, my eyes are getting kinda heavy, and I just feel a little… fuzzy. And slightly dizzy. But mostly fuzzy.

Want to see pictures of the foot sling? Check it out-- kickboxing wraps for the straps, a couple of carabiners, and a wire shelf that looks suspiciously like a baking rack.

Also, the urge struck me (and I had hours to kill while C was sleeping), so I took the time to do my makeup today. I have some eyeshadow tutorials on Pinterest that I used as an inspiration, since I pretty much have no idea what I'm doing, but I think it came out well. I just hate putting on makeup because it takes so much effort to take it off again! Wish I'd gotten a picture of me in garb as well, but I didn't think of it… so here's me in my pajamas! lol

Today, I felt like a normal person.

Not that I didn't feel sick; that's just silly. But the activities of the day had me reminiscing of a time when I thought nothing of going out for an evening with C, whereas now it's become a special treat.

It started this morning/afternoon, when I opened the door to let Juneaux into the bedroom to wake up C, and he rolled over and gestured to me while mumbling, "Come here, woman." I lay down with him and cuddled up close, and we dozed comfortably for a time. Then the dozing turned to nuzzling and kissing, which of course led to other more "adult" activities. (I love being married with a house of our own. It's nice to just jump each other whenever we want.) C jumped on the computer to finish the daily missions for Guild Wars 2 and I ate lunch while reading through a favorite book. C was still working on his dailies when I was done eating, so I went down for a nap.

When he was done, he came and got me and I pulled my supplies together for our evening errands and planned fun. We went to see Ender's Game! We've both read the book and love sci-fi, so we've been eager to see the movie adaptation... as wary as I am of movie adaptations of books. I was pleasantly surprised, though. I think they did a good job. We both wished that they had more time, though, because it just felt very abbreviated in many places. It was good, but I don't think it does the book justice. Not like The Hunger Games did. Anyway, we watched the movie and then went for a walk around the mall afterward. The air was surprisingly warm, yet with a hint of coolness that reminded me that fall is upon us. We stopped in a game store and an electronics store to browse a bit, then swung by the pharmacy on the way home to pick up one of my scripts, fill up my water jugs, and grab some more lavender bath salts for me. There is a bookstore just down the row from my pharmacy, so C suggested we go in and look around, and I readily agreed. I popped into the coffee shop and got a caramel macchiato, and it turned out to be happy hour so I got another coffee drink for free! I picked out a cafe latte with a shot of hazelnut syrup, meaning to save it for tomorrow, but I ended up drinking them both while we browsed together.

I had been thinking lately about a particular person that I worked with at the beginning of my judicial process after disclosing my sexual abuse, Detective M. I thought I might see her at the Vigil, and I did see someone that looked similar to her, but she did not show. Imagine my surprise when I turned into an aisle of the bookstore and found her standing there! We had a nice little chat, and we met each other's husbands. She is really happy that I'm working with E and that the HJ is doing so well. She explained that she deals with enough of the darkness of abuse without dealing with the aftermath of the emotions, which is why she avoids the vigils and extracurricular stuff, which I totally understand. I was happy to have run into her. She's a very pleasant person, and I like her.

After leaving the bookstore, we stopped by the library on the way home so that I could return a few books and movies, then headed home. C was playing one of my favorite cd's on the radio and I was singing along. We held hands while he drove, as we are wont to do. I thanked him for the evening several times, because it was just so... normal. I felt like a "real" person again, out for a low-key evening of enjoyment with my husband. It was like the kind of dates that we used to go on, and it was even sort of spur of the moment, a rarity these days.

Tomorrow I have plans as well. We're going to be continuing our Pathfinder campaign, of course, but then another of my friends and I are going to dress up in costume and visit a local bar that's having a post-Halloween fling. Neither of us drink, really, but we're looking forward to dressing up and going out. (Actually, I can't drink, 'cause of the meds.) We won't be out long, I'm sure, but it'll be a fun experience. I've never gone out to a bar with friends before, so this'll be a new experience. I plan to go as a beauty pageant queen, especially because the dress I have for that requires no bra! That's a major win in my book.

I've had some disappointments lately in trying to make new friends, and I've been quite lonely. I don't want to hang out with everyone that I know, as some people are just not good company or they're energy drainers or I just don't want to be around them for a length of time for one reason or another. My efforts to make new friends, though, have been falling flat on their faces. I was flat out called offensive and told goodbye by a girl that I was trying to set up a first meeting with. Another girl and I connected really well and talked practically nonstop via email and text for a week before meeting up for dinner, which went well, I thought. After that, though, she just stopped responding to my texts and emails, and I don't know what the heck happened. Another girl that I was supposed to meet up with stopped returning my emails, as well as one who was just looking for an email buddy. All this within a few weeks, and to be honest... it was hurtful and bewildering. I felt so rejected and unlikeable... so I said as much on facebook. I got an overwhelming show of confidence from friends near and far, and some of my friends/acquaintances here in Y are trying to help alleviate my loneliness. Hence the bar tomorrow night. Unfortunately, some of those people that are taking it upon themselves to alleviate my loneliness are people that I don't actually want to hang out with for the reasons stated above... but I really see no way out of it, since I stated my loneliness quite clearly and publicly. I can't just turn around and say, "Yeah, well, I don't really want to hang out with you!", can I? It feels extremely rude to turn them down. So... yeah. Got myself into a little of a pickle there.

Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed today's activities, and I'm savoring the fact that I actually have plans with a friend tomorrow! It just feels so... normal. So blessedly, blissfully normal.

Yeah, I know I'm going to pay for this weekend in no small way (I'm already really feeling it from our outing this evening), but in my mind it's totally worth it. Totally. I wish I didn't have to pay a price to engage in the semblance of a social life, but it is what it is. I'll embrace the joy and survive the fallout, as always.

C has had the past two days off, which has been nice. He's been working so much overtime lately, and I've been so drugged off and on, it seems like we've hardly gotten to see one another. Of course, we have our routine that works quite well, but getting to spend two whole days together was a real treat. On Friday, we ran errands. C's paycheck had finally hit the bank, so we paid off some of the bill from when his truck broke down, and then we bought groceries. It was a good thing he got paid when he did, because both of us were down to almost nothing in food, despite getting creative.

We took my car, since his truck didn't have gas yet and mine did. My car, Shenandoah, is also the only vehicle with a cd player or radio, but a song came on the radio that I HATE, so C suggested I put in a cd. I put in Queen's greatest hits, and as we drove along C was singing along with it, so I joined him. I swear, it was just like a movie or something. A young couple in love and having fun, driving along in the bright sunshine, singing with the radio to their favorite songs, enjoying one another and the day... it was truly, truly fun. It fed the part of my soul that thrives on spontaneity and joy.

Funny story that highlights my fibro fog... I took my walker with me into the store, as I've been in extreme pain of late. (But since I got back on the gabapentin, every day it's a little less, which is something to be truly grateful for.) C let me take over pushing the cart somewhere in the store, and it wasn't until the end-ish of our excursion that I felt overwhelmed by pain and fatigue and wanted to sit down on my walker... only to realize that I'd left it somewhere. I left my walker somewhere in the store. Hah! I found it easily enough, but I'm glad that I realized I'd left it before we checked out and went home. :) It was sitting forlornly near the root vegetables. Poor Bling Chariot.

After getting home, we watched some of the sci-fi show that we've begun watching through together. It's called Farscape, and it's from the late 90's, early 2000's. Despite being about 13 years old, it's really good and it makes me think a lot. It's also really funny. I'm really enjoying watching through this one with C, even more than the last anime we went through together. This is kind of a hobby that bonds the two of us; a couple's activity. C will choose a show he thinks I'll like, one that I haven't seen before, and we'll watch the whole thing together. The only time we haven't finished one is when we were going through Bleach, and that's because I got bored because it seemed repetitive to me.

After a while, the guys came over for DnD, and I hung out and read/played on the computer until I was ready for bed.

The next day, Saturday, was a truly lazy day that I enjoyed. I've been waking up early, like 6'ish, and moving to the couch to play on the internet/read/do stuff until C wakes up and goes to work. After that, I'll accomplish larger housework tasks, because I'm not afraid of waking him up. At any rate, C came out and joined me on the couch... sorta. We engaged in marital privileges a bit vigorously, but I didn't realize how few spoons I had, so I ended up using all of them on that one activity. C put in Farscape, and we proceeded to watch a good portion of the first season. I'm talking hours worth of the show, here. We paused it for regular bathroom and food breaks, and somewhere in the mid-afternoon we got dressed and went to the store in search of sea salt. They were out, but we walked over to the pet store and considered fish for C's tank and looked at the other animals. Upon arriving home, we ended up napping on the couch for several hours. C hadn't slept the night before and the heat really drained me, so we slept a long time. When I woke up I read for a while, and C was playing an online MMO with some of our friends who were online at the time, but then he came back out and we watched more Farscape until I was sleepy, which was about 1 am. We only have 6 episodes left in the first season, and we watched the bulk of the others yesterday.

It was a nice, easy, lazy day, and I really enjoyed spending the time with C. Some people think that watching a show together doesn't count as spending time together, because you're focused on something else, but the show actually stimulated some very interesting philosophical and anthropological discussions while we were watching. Also, we cuddled a lot, despite my being quite twitchy.

There is one thing that I must mention, and it is this: when we left to go grocery shopping on Friday, there was a package waiting in front of the door. I hadn't ordered anything, but my name was on it, so I opened it. It wasn't a bomb, but instead it was an entire case of Cassandra-safe cookies!!! Some mysterious benefactor ordered an entire case of the one store-bought cookie that I can eat, and had it sent to my house. I flipped out in a big way (in a good way), as I love surprises, and this is like... the ultimate surprise. Also, I was raised by my mother, whose primary love language is gifts, so to receive such a thoughtful gift, and as a surprise no less, reaches into my heart and tweaks every "feels" wire that I've got. I was jumping up and down and shouting and really just haywire with excitement, and I'm still so happy about it. It's not about the cookies, though they're delicious (and I'm having a hard time exercising self control!), but it's about the thoughtfulness and intention behind the cookies. An entire case. Man. Can you believe it? I'm stoked. And no, the mysterious benefactor has not revealed themselves as of yet. C and I both kind of thought it was M, but it wasn't. It is something like he would do, but I must look elsewhere for my secret gift giver.

Anyway, back to the regular week and C's regular routine. He has more overtime coming up, so we'll only get one day together as a day off, but that's okay. He's working so hard to keep us afloat, and I make sure to let him know how much I appreciate that, and him. He seems to like that :)

Yesterday was a seriously confusing set of emotions for me. Very complex, very intertwined, and very pervasive. It left me feeling both invested in and totally invalidated, which is a strange and repulsive mixture. I don't recommend that you try it anytime soon.

Remember how I was all excited that BJ and I were doing lunch and shopping? Well, we did. We also had a lot of time to talk while doing those things, and it was during lunch (our first activity) that things started going downhill for me.

I have come to the conclusion that BJ is not actually a safe person.

This is hard for me to come to grips with, because I have always assumed that she was. Indeed, for a long time she has seemed to be, especially given the largely dysfunctional and toxic people that I was surrounded with. She has been a safe person for me for so long that to have that status shifted is, well... very unsettling. It's almost like an identity crisis of sorts.

I suppose I should clarify what I mean by "safe person", just to be on the safe side. (Heh.) A safe person is someone whom we can have a safe relationship with, versus someone who is toxic and unsafe. According to authors/Drs. Cloud and Townsend, this is how you can identify a safe person:

"So, what are safe relationships? A safe relationship is one that does three things:

1. Draws us closer to God. (Matthew 22:37-38)
2. Draws us closer to others. (Matthew 22:39)
3. Helps us become the real person God created us to be. (Ephesians 2:10)

When John (Townsend) and I asked people to describe a “safe person” to us, they gave us these descriptions:

• A person who accepts me just like I am.
• A person who loves me no matter how I am being or what I do.
• A person whose influence develops my ability to love and be responsible.
• Someone who creates love and good works within me.
• Someone who gives me an opportunity to grow.
• Someone who increases love within me.
• Someone I can be myself around.
• Someone who allows me to be on the outside what I am on the inside.
• Someone who helps me to deny myself for others and God.
• Someone who allows me to become the “me” that God intended.
• Someone who helps me become the “me” God sees in me.
• Someone whose life touches mine and leaves me better for it.
• Someone who touches my life and draws me closer to who God created me to be.
• Someone who helps me be like Christ.
• Someone who helps me love others more."

Okay, clearly these guys are Christians, and maybe I'm not looking for someone to blatantly Bible me into being a better person, but you get the idea.

You see, BJ's house was always a haven of refuge for me from my crazy home life. Even when I was "drifting into the world" as a teenager, I always felt unconditionally loved and accepted by her and her family. When I went away to SOULS, she expressed some concerns that I wasn't learning the whys and wherefores of things, but that I was conforming to peer pressure, and she was somewhat right. (She reminded me of this during our talk.)

In recent years (or year), however, it feels like... I dunno. It feels like I'm responsible for her emotional happiness and stability in some ways, though the cues are so subtle that I'd be hard pressed to put it into words. Honestly, I'm hard pressed to put any of this into words! I know, I know, me without words. Hard to believe, right? *sigh*

There are two driving issues here: one is my health, and the other is my spirituality/life choices.

BJ is a nurse, and somehow it feels like we always end up talking about my sicknesses, especially now that fibromyalgia has reared its ugly head. She can't seem to wrap her mind around why I'm so sick, and I keep getting those cliche phrases that I hate so much, such as "You're too young to be sick like this!" Today she mentioned multiple times that she doesn't understand why I got so ill so suddenly, why my health suddenly took such a nose dive. Heck, I don't understand it, either! It just happened. But I always, always get this creeping feeling like somehow it's my fault... like I did something or am not doing something right... but yesterday, she was so bold as to say that she thinks I got fibromyalgia because I left God. Wow. Really? Really? That's harsh, man.

The thing is, when I feel even subtly attacked, I find myself falling over myself to explain myself more and open up further depths of my soul to her, as if sharing more truth will somehow help her to understand and accept and stop blaming me and bringing out the guilt. (I wonder if her kids go through this, too?) It doesn't. It just complicates things further.

We were talking about my future as a massage therapist, and how C takes care of me so well, and I mentioned that there is a possibility that I may end up bedridden from fibromyalgia, as I know people in that boat. She immediately and vehemently protested this, insisting that I shouldn't focus on that, that I shouldn't even be considering or contemplating it. No matter how much I explained myself or insisted that I'm not choosing this outcome, but that it is indeed a reality that I must face and accept, she maintained her position that even acknowledging it is the same as choosing it, and I shouldn't even allow myself to think about that, and that I'm going to get better and that I'm underestimating what God can do... (as if he would heal me anyway, 'cause it's not like I haven't asked him a billion times before, back when we were on good terms, but I digress...) Basically, she completely dismissed my illness and insisted that I'm going to get over it. At least, that was my interpretation of the situation. As there are two sides to every story, I fully admit that I could have been completely misreading her.

I explained it like this-- if you have cancer, you have to face the fact that a possible outcome is death. That doesn't mean you're choosing it, or even that it's highly likely, but it's still a part of reality. She came back with a fiery and intense rebuttal of, "Only if you have terminal cancer is that the case. Any other kind of cancer, you have other options."

Look, it's not like I want to be this damn sick all the time. I miss hiking, and I miss cleaning my house. I miss doing more than two or three "things" in a day. (I struggled with fatigue already, but that was small potatoes compared to my life these days.) But I really, really resist the attempts to whitewash my reality and my future and exclude reality from my plans and my thoughts. She told me that I was spending too much time researching fibro online, basically saying that I was focusing on the negative aspects of my illness too much. Um, no. I get down in the mouth from time to time, but I'd like to think that I'm actually rather optimistic about being in severe pain every waking moment. I just felt so... dismissed. Invalidated. Disrespected, I guess. Like she was saying, "No, your interpretation of reality isn't correct. It's too pessimistic. Here, let me replace it with my own. This is the right one. Now, don't go back to your way of thinking! It'll only hurt you." I felt as though she was implying that, if I get sicker (or because I've gotten this sick in the first place, and because it came on so suddenly), that somehow it's my fault and that I was probably focusing too much on the negative and not wanting to get better well enough or something like that.

On that note, check out this funny cartoon! (One of my friends, M, showed it to me when I came home all distraught over my encounter with BJ, after I had explained the whole thing to them... or vented, more like.)

The second issue is my spirituality/life choices. I already mentioned how she thinks that I'm sick because I'm drifting from God, or at least that the two timings coincide quite suspiciously. (Because I got sick so suddenly, remember... because it's not like there are any illnesses out there with sudden onsets. Lord forbid I not be able to pinpoint the exact second I got ill and link it to a specific incident. Okay, sorry, sorry... sorry for the sarcasm.)

Basically, I'm not making choices with my life that she approves of, because I've left the path that she deems to be the path of life. She insists it's not about church, but that it's about God, but... I feel that the two are too synonymous in most people's minds to really make a difference. She's devastated because I'm living with my fiance before we're married, but the Bible doesn't say anything about that. The church does. I'm sure EGW probably does somewhere. But God doesn't. Sex before marriage? Yeah, there's stuff in there about that. I know that one, and I'm not going to go into my reasons for why I'm okay with it in certain situations right now. That's not what I need to talk about here. (Besides, there are other things that I'm okay with that God demands people be stoned for, so God and I... we have our differences above and beyond my anger issues with him.)

She told me that I broke her heart, just like her kids have broken her heart, because she/they (she and her husband) gave us everything, hoping that we'd learn to love the Lord and follow him but we've all walked away and she feels like a failure, and... also that I can never again break her heart or hurt her like I already have, because her heart is already broken so badly.

First of all, I resent being "gifted" with the ability to devastate someone like that with the choices that I'm making with my life. Do my choices affect others? Most definitely. Am I responsible for that? Partially yes, and partially no. Others (we're talking mature, responsible adults here, not dependents) also have a choice in how they will respond to my actions, whether they will let themselves be devastated by my choices or simply sad, maybe disappointed. I told her very clearly that I am not making rash decisions, that they are well thought out and wrestled with, and that I have total and complete peace within my own mind about the path that I'm pursuing. She hates that I'm marrying into atheism; I don't mind it. She says that it's going to affect me; I openly acknowledge that it already has, and I quietly acknowledge that I'm grateful for the dose of realism and cynicism. I stated that I am striving to live as authentic of a life as possible, and I am not interested in hiding who I am, where I am, and even why I am.

I just feel that, if I am not making the decisions she feels to be the right ones, then I'm a profound disappointment and I've crushed her soul. No one likes feeling that way, because it's not about my choices, it's about me and my self-worth. I am a disappointment, not my choices. I never, ever feel this way with my mom, with R, or with the S's. They have somehow mastered the art of loving, accepting, and enjoying me, even if they disagree with or are disappointed in the choices that I'm making. BJ has yet to learn this, and I begin to understand why I have felt this strange sense of alienation between her and her youngest son throughout the years. I didn't get why he had this strange, subtle resistance to his parents, especially his mom... but now I do. I feel it, too. You can't thrive in that kind of environment. It's stifling. Her mind is so closed that she can't comprehend that someone else's path might lie along a different track than the one she's taken. She found salvation such-and-such a way and in such-and-such a place; how could you possibly find it elsewhere? It doesn't exist. And if you are outside her understanding of "right", then you will break her heart. *sigh* I'm tired just thinking about it.

The thing is, as long as we kept things light and fluffy, we were fine. We enjoyed ourselves, and had a grand time. It's when things get beyond surface level that trouble brews. I realized last night that I have to draw some boundaries... I just can't let her in to the deeper parts of my life anymore.

I discussed this with C last night, and he told me that he was proud of me, and that I handled it well. I stood up for myself (I didn't go into all the details here, because they're not really important, but I did outline pretty much the whole conversation for him.), whereas a while back I would have quailed beneath her disapproval and cowtowed to her wishes. He pointed out that I'm much stronger than I used to be, even if I don't see it all the time.

Honestly, I am pretty proud of myself, too. I am a little daunted, though, by the task before me of setting boundaries with someone that I've been so open with for so long... but I have to. For both our sakes, I think.

Best part? In days past, I would have been so affected by her words that I would have doubted the decisions that I've made and begun the familiar dance of vacillation. This time, however... I never wavered. I know in my heart that I'm making the right decision for me, regardless of what anyone else thinks, and I'm going to go through with it.

That's not to say that our conversation didn't affect me, because it did. I went to the bathroom and cried. There were "a lot of feels", as my friends would put it. So many feels. Though I managed to tuck it away deep inside me for the duration of our day together, I was swirling in a muddle of torment that evening when I got home. I was able to talk about it with a couple of buddies and with C, so that made processing it a bit easier, and the emotions eased up as I realized what was really going on. I seem to always make the jump to assuming that I'm in the wrong. Always. If something's going on, it's probably my fault.

But the guys helped me to see that such is not always the case. As M pointed out, it seems that the situation was all about her-- her broken heart, her disappointment, the fact that she gave everything and I "betrayed her", so to speak... her confusion about my illness...

Everyone else agrees with me about the whole "facing reality and all the potential outcomes of my illness" situation, by the way. They feel that she is trying to avoid or alter reality... but really, do you blame her? Someone that she's loved and nurtured for over twenty years is suddenly super sick, and talking about how they may end up bedridden someday from this sickness. Wouldn't you panic, too? I mean, who wants that for anyone that they love? I can see why she would deny that possibility and insist that I focus only on the potential for healing. I can see that. I just don't think it's appropriate or helpful.

While I could see her concern and care for me and her sympathy for my pain in her actions throughout the day (not letting me lift things, being considerate of walking distances and having me wait at the front of stores so she could pick me up in the car),  I still don't feel that same support from her that I do from J, or from C, or from my mom, R, and the kids... or even from the guys, for that matter. I don't know what it is, but I just can't consider her to be a part of my support system. She supports me with her actions, but she tears me apart with her words. There is no verbal expression of sympathy or concern for my pain or illnesses, just sighs of sadness and, "Oh, C..." (which, of course, totally mimics disappointment and makes me feel like I've done something wrong in being sick...).

Okay. I'm done. I've waded through this enough. I love the woman, but she's not safe for me anymore. I have to close off that harbor and not anchor there any longer. I can sail through and visit, but I can't unload on the docks.

This is either going to be much, much harder than I think, or much easier than I'm anticipating. We'll see how it goes.

So. Birthday. (I figure that, since I can't sleep due to pain, now is as good a time as any to blog, yes?)

The night before my birthday was, well... not the greatest. I mean, parts of it were, and parts of it weren't, so as a whole, I (being human) tend to let the negative parts influence the positive parts.

C got home from work and realized that he needed to do laundry, and I wasn't doing anything, so we packed on over to his dad's house to throw a load in. We were already going to watch a movie while we waited, but D suggested that we watch Inception, which I had yet to see. We did, and it was a great movie-- very engaging-- but I grew tired about halfway through and could have easily gone to bed. I forced myself to stay awake, however, until the movie was over. By the time we got home, I was already cranky from being tired and hungry, and then C decided that, in order to reset his internal clock, he was going to stay up all night.

That's not a problem, in and of itself, although I do miss his presence in the bed next to me. The problem is that when he decides to stay up, that means that he's going to be playing on the computer. Again, not a problem... except that the computer is on the desk, right next to the bed. There's no where else to put it in this dinky little apartment. It didn't used to be a problem, but as the fibromyalgia and consequent sleep disturbances get worse, the sound of him playing on the computer and the ambient light from his two monitors and his oversized tower keep me awake or wake me up after I've already fallen asleep. He's already stopped playing certain games after I go to bed, because the rapid and constant "clickety clack" of the keys really messes with me. I have an eye mask that I wear to help make it dark enough for me to sleep, but I hate wearing the thing, and it doesn't block out all of the light, so... I've been growing increasingly frustrated.

The night before my birthday, I was grumpy and impatient, and knowing that I'd have to put up with that ambient light all night did not make me very happy. However, I realized that it wasn't fair of me to tell him to turn off his computer, because what else was he going to do the whole night? Instead, I packed up a blanket and a couple of pillows and slept on the couch. Before you go and applaud my humility in seeking a compromise, I should admit that I was not happy about it. I was pretty pissed, to be honest. However, I thought through my anger, accepted it, and let it go. It really wasn't anything worth being angry about, and it was definitely exacerbated by my crankiness. C told me later that he thought about how I was probably pretty unhappy, but there wasn't really any other solution he could come to, so he let it go as well.

I did, however, sleep pretty darn well, if not for as long as I would have liked. We had plans to meet J and B for lunch at a really good sushi place, and I wanted to be all dolled up, but since we had the house inspection right before, I knew I'd have to get all fancy before we even showed up for the inspection. So I got up early to make sure that I would have enough time to get dressed up (including curling my hair and doing my makeup!) and get everything else ready for the day. I did.

We headed out to the house inspection in the midst of a light drizzle. I was pretty happy about the cloudy, rainy day, because it seemed like it had been special ordered just for me! ^_^ Also, having rain during the inspection was great, because it let the inspector see if there were any leaks and how the water settled or ran, etc. It was most advantageous. The inspection itself went well, and there are no dealbreakers, so we'll be continuing to pursue this home. We write up and sign another contract tomorrow, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

After the inspection, we met up with J and B at the sushi place, but not before stopping at Walgreens and picking up a few things for C. The poor guy had come down with a cold the night before (staying up all night didn't help, I'm sure), and it was growing worse by the hour. He was a good sport, though, and enjoyed lunch. J and B hurried to get to the restaurant before we did, and they set up a few little things with the waiters to make my day special. For instance, instead of the usual (but gorgeous!) flower-made-of-carrots garnish on the plate, mine held a purple orchid. I didn't realize that they had ordered it especially for me until after we finished eating, and all the wait staff gathered around our table to sing Happy Birthday to me in a special, hand-clappy version of the song. Even C was smiling, singing, and clapping along! It was adorable :) The also brought me a plate with a serving of the strawberry-mochi ice cream that I love so much, and a scoop of another green ice cream that tasted like chocolate. They had written "Happy Birthday" across the plate in chocolate sauce, which was super cool, and a single candle was stuck into the mochi. I made my wish and blew it out, and then we shared the ice cream. (I got most of it, though.)

I had a massage scheduled that day, courtesy of Miss C as a birthday present, but I had gotten a call early that morning that it was canceled because the practitioner was sick. That was fine, because J and I had wanted to go shopping, and she had to get ready for work at three, so the timing wouldn't have worked otherwise. We split up in the parking lot of the restaurant, and J and I headed to Goodwill. I picked up two dresses and matching purses, one of which is a black purse shaped like a coffin with a shiny pleather bat emblazoned on the front. It's wicked cool. I love it. J found that and the brown clutch that I bought while wandering around, waiting for me to finish trying on dresses. For only having set foot in Goodwill for the first time the night before, she's pretty awesome at Goodwill shopping. The night before she found the armchair-style pillow that I was looking for while I tried on yoga pants.

She dropped me off at my house just in time for her to scoot off and get ready for work, and I changed into comfy clothes and hopped on the computer to deal with my fb wall. C came back and sprawled on the bed for a short rest before they had to head out and move another piece of furniture, and I cuddled up next to him. B came over, and we spent some time just hanging out and talking. They got the call and took off to move the furniture, and I continued to just "hang out". That was pretty much the theme of the rest of the day. C and I were going to watch a movie, but he was so tired and sick that he wound up in bed around 7 pm. Although game night had been canceled in honor of my birthday, a bunch of the guys ended up coming over and hanging out to talk strategy anyway, since there was no movie happening that night. It was fun to just hang out and chat while I surfed the internet for a few hours. I was tired myself and went to bed pretty early.

And that was my birthday. It wasn't the "big deal" that it might have been, were I living somewhere else or with other people, but it was nice. The restaurant thing really made it special, and I made it a point to tell B and J that when I thanked them. It was great to spend time with B and J, because B signed on with the Army last week. He's shipping out the weekend before the wedding, which sucks! He's been wanting to be a witness to/part of the wedding for the last seven years, and he was supposed to be C's best man. I mean, it was a no-brainer. He was the one. (Now C's bro D is the best man, which he's happy about. He was joking about fighting B in the "circle of death" for the privilege when we were first planning the wedding.) Well, J had already decided that she and her son were moving back to T to be with her family when B got into the military, whenever that would be. Now, due to timing, she's moving next week. You know what that means? Not only are C and I losing two very good friends, we're both losing our attendants for the wedding! She was supposed to be my maid of honor, and do my bachelorette party with me, and get a massage and a manicure with me the day before, and help throw my bridal shower, and... we're both really sad that she is going to miss all that. Not to mention the fact that we've become real good friends, and I'm going to miss her a ton. I went over the evening before my bday and hung out on her bed and chatted with her for like, four hours while she packed. She gave me a bunch of stuff as she thinned their possessions out, and she jokes that she did it so that I'll cry and miss her when I see it after she's gone. The worst part is that she's totally right! I will. Neither of us have cried in front of one another about her leaving yet, but I know we'll cry when she leaves. (We've each cried privately, and talked to one another about it, but we have sort of vowed not to cry with each other before she leaves, because we feel that it will only start a downward PTSD/depression spiral, since both of us struggle with that.)

Although C was sick, he was a real trooper while he was awake. S and M took off to the convenience store and a fast food joint before all the other guys got there, so the house was empty for a bit. C took advantage of that rather quickly, and took me into the bedroom to give me my birthday spankings. (Do you realize how many swats 25 is? A heck of a lot!!) That, of course, led to other types of celebrations... after which I put him to bed. I was happy, though. It was just what I wanted ^_^

So, yes. It was a good birthday. Oh, and I got a camera from J! Have I even mentioned that yet?? I think I did... Anyway, I'm super stoked about it. I tried it out last night, and it works beautifully... if I can figure out all those blasted buttons. I'm used to a good ol' point-and-shoot. I'm going to have to learn this camera so I can create some truly beautiful art.

One of the best parts about my birthday was learning that we're going to be moving forward with the house. Walking the rooms with C and deciding where to put things did my heart a world of good... but I've been a little restless since. I'm anxious to feather my nest... once it's actually mine, of course!

Today was a big day. I'm thoroughly exhausted.

Achievement! I fell asleep early and slept through the night, with only one wake-up-and-use-the-bathroom-break. (Usually I have at least 3 or 4). I woke up early, and it was nice. I feel better when I do the early to bed, early to rise thing, so I think I'll be sticking to that more. The only downside is that I see C much less.

We went and saw a house this morning. It's nice, but smaller than we'd prefer, buuuut... considering the price and the neighborhood it's in, it's a steal. The next house for sale in that neighborhood is a full $20,000 more, and prices are still rising! So after careful thought and deliberation, C decided to go for it, and I was totally on board. It's move in ready, and I know we can be quite comfortable there, despite the, uh, coziness. It's not that I was simply giving in to my impatience, either; considering how many crappy listings we have to go through to get a decent one, we need to jump on a good house when we see one. Plus it's already graveled in front like we want, and has a high block wall in the back, which is super important to C. Also, there's some pressure to get locked into a contract before April 1st, because some things are changing in the legislation of how some stuff works (nothing big, don't freak), and it would be better for us to have bought before then. So we signed.

After picking up some sushi for lunch, we headed back home. C has overtime today, though it's usually his day off, but I was headed off to the antique car show. I wanted him to come with me, but alas... he doesn't exactly get to control his schedule. I was already a bit tired by this point, after seeing the house and running errands and doing paperwork all morning, but this car show is only one weekend, and I love going. It's important to me.

So I headed out, walker in tow. I did get a little sunburnt, but that just means that winter is over! Yay! I loved seeing all the various makes and models of cars from throughout the years. I even saw the oldest street legal car in America! It was basically a box with wheels, a stick for steering, and a horn strapped on the side. It had headlights and such, but it didn't even have a windshield! I suppose it doesn't really need one, because it tops out at 35 mph... Still, pretty cool. I believe it was from 1918.

I spent about an hour and a half there, and by the time I was done I was really, really exhausted. I made it home and collapsed into bed with a bowl of applesauce, a glass of juice, a bottle of water, my computer, and my phone. Everything a gal needs :)

I took a very short nap a little later on, and I feel perky enough to pop in a movie and work on some wedding stuff. Some of the guys are over playing video games, and they're so. loud. It's annoying, but I know that I'm just hyper-sensitive right now because of my fatigue. They're really no louder than normal. It's just me. lol. So I've closeted myself away in the room.

Also, I texted our realtor after I woke up, and come to find out... they accepted our offer!! We open escrow on Monday! We're buying a house!

If it all goes smoothly, we should be closing a few days after our honeymoon. So... a month, basically. 5 weeks? Yeah.

It's gonna be a heck of a month! We've already got the inspection scheduled for this coming week. (On my birthday, in fact... Happy birthday! Here's a house! lol)

So it was a good day, despite pain and such. (After my massage yesterday, my legs started aching and aching soooo badly... but fortunately, the heating pad I ordered came in the mail yesterday, so I put it to good use!) It was a big day! A day that shall forever live in infamy! Oh, wait...

You know what? Today was a good day, and I'm proud of myself.

I know, I know... what a shift from my sobfest of last night, right? Yes, well... here's the thing about emotions: they're subject to change. That's why you can't base your decisions solely on them. Sure, they have their place as informants, but man, they can be fickle little things!

I did good today, y'all. And I'm not just talking about productivity levels, but more about being aware of myself and what I have to give... counting my spoons, if you will. I'm very tired, but I didn't overdo it. I almost did a few times, but caught myself before I went too far.

Productivity-wise, what did I do today? I'm so glad you asked! I'll tell you :)

I was supposed to go into work today, but a family emergency of some sort canceled that, so I got to sleep in. I was grateful, because I woke up at 8:30 from pain. I took a pain killer and a hot shower (Yaaaaay! I showered today! lol) and was able to drift back off to sleep around 10:30. It was nice, because I got to cuddle with C all snuggly and warm.

When he got up at 1 to get ready for work, I decided to wake up as well. I stayed in bed for a few hours doing internet stuffs, then arose and got ready for the day. I made the bed, opened the doors for some fresh air, and proceeded to clean. I knew that I would have to be careful not to push myself too far, as cleaning is one of the things that I get carried away with super easy. I tidied up the bathroom and fixed the shower curtain that I'd been wanting to work on for a couple of weeks. Then I got my roomie to do his dishes, did my dishes, wiped down all the kitchen counters and swept the floor. It was at this point that I realized that I would need to stop soon, but I was able to vacuum the main living area before I had to go lie down. (I was literally telling myself, "Go lay down, you need to lay down... now. Right now. Go lay down.") (Also, lie vs. lay. I never can remember which is which. I should google that.)

After a short rest, I took S to his friends' house, dropped off my laundry, hit up Wal-Mart for a couple of groceries and the final part of K's gift, then I jetted over to the mall to catch a free, open-air jazz concert with my friend C. The concert was really cool, and I'm glad I went. It got chilly after the sun set so my joints started complaining, and I was getting really hungry, so I ended up leaving before it was done, but it was great nonetheless. I had planned on visiting another store while I was there at the mall, but I knew that to do that would definitely be pushing myself past my limits.

I went home, ate, and rested up before I went back for the next step of my laundry. Then I pretty much just hung out on the internet until C got home.

Also, today I talked to my mom! I'd been feeling as though she'd been distancing herself from me lately, and it hurt... especially because she's one of my best friends, and I'm going through a lot right now, and I really need her support and advice. And with the wedding looming? I'm nervous and scared and slightly overwhelmed, and I really need her right now. To put it simply, I still need a mommy! So I wrote her a message about this, and we talked about it. Sure enough, she's dealing with a lot, as I suspected, and is very overwhelmed herself right now. (She assures me that my needing her is not a burden, which I'm grateful for.) She was kind of backing off, not wanting to take up my spoons and wear me out, but I insisted that I'd gladly use a spoon or five or fifteen to talk to her. Long story short? We're good, and it was not a big deal, really. Just a small bump in the road that was easily corrected with some clear, honest communication :)

Did I mention that I treated myself today? That blog post I read yesterday (the one that kicked my butt, remember?) had some really good advice in it. One of those pieces of advice was to reward yourself for your accomplishments. Not only was today a good day, but I've been trying really hard lately to be good to myself and keep balanced, and I'm proud of myself for that, too. So while I was at Wal-Mart, I was rooting around in the $5 movie bin and found a Planet Earth dvd and a Blue Planet dvd... and I got them! Not only is it a reward/treat for myself because I've been doing so well, but it's an investment for those future days when I'm not feeling well and end up on the couch watching movies. So it's a reward and an investment! Am I good, or am I good? :)

I'm tired. Very, very tired. I didn't overdo it, but I am ready for bed... especially because the gal I'm tutoring is coming over at 10 am tomorrow. Also, hopefully C and I will be able to hit up the antique car show tomorrow! If he can't make it, I'll go on Saturday on my own. It's a kind of tradition for me to go every year, and I don't want to miss it, even if I have to go by myself. I'd much rather prefer to go with C, of course...

And, with that, I'm off!

Rolled out of bed this morning bright and early (like, 1 1/2 hours earlier than normal!) and guess what? I haven't had to take a pain killer yet.

I mean sure, I don't feel like jumping up and doing a table dance, but it has literally been months since I did not need to take a pain killer upon rising.

Today looks to be a very long and busy day for me, so I'm grateful for the gift of diminished pain.

I know that I'll be taking one later, of course. I can feel the pain levels rising the longer I'm awake, which is normal (tongue in cheek), but, still... Almost an hour awake with no tramadol? Whoopee!!

I've got a free massage in 20 minutes that I must go get dressed for :)

Side notes: I wonder if my falling pain levels of the past few days are due to the increase in gabapentin?  Or possibly Savella?

Also, yesterday I was out and about without my walker! There was pain, and at times I almost wished that I had it, but I made it the whole day without :)

I think the frequent massages are contributing to the pain levels falling, as well.

Update: Yes, well, *ahem*... I was rather pain-free! Unfortunately, I did overdo it a little during yoga... Okay, maybe more than a little... But I was trying to be aware and be good to myself! I really was. It wasn't until it was too late that I realized I had done much too much in the realm of movement and exertion. Alas.

So I did end up taking a pain killer, and I busted out the walker. (Which, by the way, was noticed and commented upon by a stranger in a positive manner! We had a fun little conversation. She was very empathetic, not because she personally knows someone with a chronic illness, but because she went to medical school.) Howeverrrrr... it is now 9 p.m., and I've only taken one tramadol today! Whooooeeeee!

Okay, see, here's the deal... I tend to black-and-white generalize things, especially myself. Example? When I had gotten to 6 hours between pain killers, I assumed that was my new norm. When I had to go back to 3 or 4 hours, I was tempted to be devastated. I had failed. I had broken down and ruined my positive forward progress. But you know what today showed me? Every single day is unique. I can't expect that just because I didn't need a pain killer this morning I won't need one tomorrow. I cannot, cannot, cannot say what tomorrow will be like, so I just gotta take it as it is and roll with it.

Mindfulness. Being present here and now. One moment at a time.

And today, when I realized I'd overdone it? I was overwhelmed with disappointment in myself, initially. I really was so disappointed that I'd now need a painkiller, because I had intended to go the whole day, if possible, without one.

But I stopped and talked to myself kindly, and basically I chose to celebrate the success of having made it that far in the day without a painkiller or the walker, rather than dwelling on the "failure".

It's kinda funny, too, how my mind works... this morning, feeling pretty good, I began to worry if my feeling better somehow negated my past sufferings. Like... was I ever really sick? Was it all in my head after all? Because I feel good, sooooo... maybe it doesn't count? Maybe I was exaggerating?

Yeah, no.

I still can't hit the ground running at a thousand miles an hour.

It does make me wonder, though, what life will be like as I continue to heal and find balance... I know I don't have to worry about it until I get there, but I'm wondering about coping with the dichotomy of "good one day, bad another", you know? I mean, I know I've been there before with my guts and all, but this is a whole new monkey to wrestle.

I am too black and white, all or nothing. I know this. If I feel good, I should always feel good. If I feel bad, I'll always feel bad. Any break the pattern is cause for alarm! lol

I'm going to go cut out hearts for the wedding, now. The flower boy will be tossing 8 bit hearts instead of flower petals, and then he'll hand C a laminated 8 bit heart that says, "Marry me?" (I'm including that because, since C proposed, I frequently ask him to marry me. He always says yes. ^_^)

(See? 'Cause we're nerds, and I love Legend of Zelda.)

I gotta be kinder to myself, more careful.

Even after getting a solid 8 hours of sleep last night (how often has that happened lately? I slept through the whole night!!), I was so exhausted this morning that I was literally falling asleep in the realtor's office as we went over paperwork. Oops.

I made it through, but a nap when I got home was oh-so-welcome.

I realized that this fibro flare has messed me up more than I thought it did or would (it was so unanticipated, but it makes total sense...), and that I've been thinking of my recovery in the wrong terms. I thought of my recovery from the colonoscopy and subsequent flare as kind of a spike-- I'd be low for a day, then I'd go back up to normal levels, right?

Well, in reality, it's more like a slope, a grade. I have to gradually work my way back up to feeling okay, and it's not gonna happen overnight. Problem is, I've been running my days like I'm not diminished at all, which is really only making things worse. *sigh* I'm my own worst enemy, sometimes.

So I'm working on being more mindful of my health and my energy levels-- especially my energy levels. If I completely exhaust my energy resources, it makes it that much harder the next day, and it just snowballs from there. I still struggle with guilt and self-worth, but C told me point-blank the other day that I don't have to justify not doing a lot of stuff every day. It's okay to bum around if I need to.

I love that man. He helps me keep my balance.

On another note, we made an offer on a house this morning! We are looking to hear from the seller by Monday to see if they will accept it, and if they do then the offer will go to their lender, which will take... a while. It's a short sale, meaning that the seller owes more on the house than it's worth, so the bank is the one that decides whether or not to accept the offer, ultimately. We'll see how it goes... but we're keeping our eyes open to see if anything we like as much or better pops up in the meantime. Estimated closing date at this point is April 14th, I think.

The rest of the day has been good. We were at the realtor's early, then we swung by Home Depot, because I delegated the creation of the wax seal to C, and he needed a few parts to make it work. He's really running with it, making it very functional. I was just gonna hot glue a few pieces together and call it good, but the very idea appalled C. He was so passionate in his rebuttal of my plans that I gave him complete control over it, and he's really putting some energy into it. It's really cool to see him working on wedding stuff right alongside me :) Next weekend, he, B, and D will be going to get their tuxes/suits fitted. They would have done it by now, but life's been throwing stuff in the way and it just hasn't happened yet.

After swinging by Subway for some food for C and Starbuck's for a drink for me (what a rare treat!), we headed home to eat. I took a nap, then headed out to the Ren Faire that S is working this weekend. I took a little bit of money with me, but, I mean, come on... it's the Ren Faire! And they accept credit cards? So I spent a little bit of next week's paycheck on a dagger, and some of this week's allowance on a simply gorgeous leather collar with a silver filigree heart dangling from the front and a silver heart shaped padlock on the clasp. I went back to the booth 3 times before I finally decided to go ahead and purchase it! But I knew that it was one of those things that, if I didn't, I'd regret for a really long time.

I must have looked great today, because I got flirted with a lot. The last thing I did was go to this juggling show, and the juggler, A the Bawdy Juggler, was making very sexual jokes the whole time... but I did find them funny. Adult humor, I guess. Anyway, he picked on me a few times while I was in the crowd (along with other folks), but he pulled me up on stage for the last act. It was fun and funny, but he was very sexual in his humor and was making some pretty bold advances, so I kept him in his place. I'd elbow him in the ribs or slap his hand if he got too fresh, and I made a few verbal jabs of my own. It was sweet of him, though, to ask if I was doing okay, because I had been sitting on my walker (no way was I gonna walk around for several hours without it, not the way I've been feeling lately!!), and he wanted to make sure I could stand for that long. Periodically while I was up there he would ask in an aside voice if I was doing alright. I knew what he meant, and told him I was fine.

A few months ago, I would have been so embarrassed and horrified by the situation and the adult humor, but considering my recent "uninhibiting", I did just fine. I blushed a few times, because let's face it-- some things are private and just not funny. But for the most part I enjoyed myself. Plus, let's be honest... it was flattering :) After the show I had several people from the audience approach me and tell me how much funnier it was with my involvement, and that I did a good job. I'm going to laugh so hard if I get stopped in, like, Walmart or something by someone who saw the show!

I leave for Id in a few days. I realized it with a jolt today, because it's come up so fast! I need to create packing lists, and prepare my food for travel. It's going to be so good to see my family again...

I will have to tone myself down and bind myself back in some ways, though, and I don't mind. Out of respect for their lifestyle, the values they hold, and the way they are trying to raise K, I don't mind getting rid of a few things temporarily for the sake of those I love. The jewelry will go, of course (though there's not much I can do about the piercings-- the lobes have to stay in, and my cartilage will close if I leave it out too long... but they're simple, inoffensive little silver studs. They don't attract much attention... I hope.), and I'll be watching my language as I've become more casual in my use of expletives. I don't mind going to church with them at all, nor joining in family prayer or any other spiritual activities.

I can mold myself to fit in more, and I don't mind. First of all, this is my family, and I value their long-term health and wellness as a family unit as well as individuals. Would I risk the possibility of strife and discord after I'm gone just so I can be free to express myself? Hardly! I don't need jewelry, and I can go without it. Not a big deal. Also, it's short term. I'm only up there for a few days. So not a big deal for me to go with their grain while I'm with them.

I do need to start preparing, though... I'd put it away, figuring I'd get ready when the time came upon me. Well, it's upon me, soooo...

I'm excited! Yet, at the same time, not... because I know it's gonna be a hard trip, both emotionally and physically (there's no way I'm gonna be up to "normal" in just two days, so I'll still be diminished physically, and also the reason behind my trip is just so sad...