This, by the way, is what I'm currently listening to… It's so soothing and peaceful, I feel like I need to share it for those of you who haven't heard it before. It's one of my favorites to have on repeat--the whole record is, in fact.

I hope this soothes your soul as it does mine.

What do you do, when everything comes crashing down around your ears? I don't mean literally, of course, although I had my doubts while Corey was up in the "attic" crawlspace to install the ceiling fan we bought for our bedroom (go tax returns, yeah!) and trying not to fall through the ceiling.

I dunno. Sometimes it all just kinda hits me, you know what I mean?

What do you do when you hate every second of your disease, but it's so imprisoning that you can never forget that you have it for any of those hated seconds? I'm talking Ehler's-Danlos here, although Addison's has been giving me a run for my money lately too, trying to manage my adrenal glands manually. Always a tough challenge for me, even more so lately.

So do you just hate your life, then, because the two are so inseparable? Usually I try to wrap my world in beauty, to find it, create it, whatever I have to do. Sometimes, though, the cold stones that weigh in the pit of my stomach overcome me and all I can see, all I can feel, is the destruction of the life that I had, the life that we planned, the future of my personal dreams and our mutual hopes. And it's hard, really hard, to not hate your life when every moment is agony and you know that there's no cure, there's no hope, there's no remission, and it keeps getting worse. I try not to think about what it'll be like in a year, 3 years, 25 years, but when I'm huddled on the bed and sobbing into my husband's pillow while trying not to move because it hurts, I think about those things. I think about them, and I am afraid.

I don't want to do this. The weight of the agony that waits for me is too heavy a load for me to bear. It's scary, but more than that I hate hate hate HATE what this agony has done to me personally, to my husband, and to our relationship. I hate what it's going to do. I appreciate, in a circumspect way, how it's going to make us better people and probably already has--as is the nature of suffering--but that thought remains rather subdued.

When he came to bed tonight and I lay next to him, trying to relax and mayyyyyybe get some sleep (no sleep to be had this night, alas), I eventually spoke up. (Choked with tears, of course.)

"I'm sorry for being so sick. I hate every second of it. I think I hate it more than you do. I hate what it's done to our life."

He didn't respond.

Not a word.

In my time of desperate emotional need, he stayed completely and 100% silent…

…except for the soft and sudden rustle of bedsheets as his foot sought out my two feet, entwining them beneath his leg and covering them with his own as he rubbed his instep against the top of my foot a few times.

All I could do was blink away the tears, sigh softly, and let this renewed sense of peace settle deep into the center of me where I will lock it away tightly and hold on to the hope that it's going to be okay… somehow. Three feet of peace--my two feet and his comforting one-- to remind me so.

"I love you."

"I love you too, lady."

(image found at http://xkcd.com/137/)

There's been some stuff that I've been wanting to write about lately, but I've held myself back because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of rejection, afraid of judgment, afraid that I might offend those readers whom I call friends so deeply that they will turn away and never come back. I've been toying with the idea of writing it anyway, because really, this is my space to be free and be myself without judgment, and the moment I censor myself because of some imagined consequences at the hands of probable judges, well… I might as well just stop writing altogether.

I do know that some of the things I have to write will be unsavory for certain members of the conservative Christian crowd that I used to run with, and that's fine. Different strokes for different folks, you know? But it's the thought of those conservatives that fills me with such dread, as I know that such a community can be rather… unforgiving in nature, and I don't want to bring that kind of wrath down upon myself. I also don't want to make myself the target of some kind of evangelistic campaign designed to "win me back to the truth" or "bring me to the light" somehow. The choices that I've made have been very deliberate and thoughtful, not hasty compromises made in the throes of passion or despair. 

I don't feel like I'm being true to myself, editing out important bits of my life and personality this way. With this in mind, I have decided to write. Stumbling upon this cartoon earlier this evening just underscored my conviction and reinforced my thoughts. I still wish to take the convictions and repugnances of others into consideration, however, such as the toning down of the language that I often use, substituting swear words and epithets for other phrases. My plan is to speak in broad strokes about what I wish, and if I feel the need to go into detail I'll save it for a separate post, so readers can decide if they want to read that particular entry or not.

Why all this hesitation, all this caution, you ask? To put it simply, I'm an active member of the BDSM culture and community where I live, and I apply the kinks and fetishes I am interested in to my lifestyle on a regular basis. No, Corey and I aren't having sex on a very regular basis anymore, simply due to illness constraints and stress problems, but I can say in all honesty that kink isn't just about sex. That is, it doesn't have to be. It can be, or it can be completely removed from lust and intercourse. You really have to be involved to understand. But yes-- I like leather and lashes and corsets and ropes. All of that good old taboo stuff. There is a huge wide world of kink and fetishes within BDSM, of course. There's no way one could possibly be interested in or involved in everything. What I appreciate most about the culture is its emphasis on Safe, Sane, and Consensual, or alternately phrased, Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

What I would ask is that anyone who is finding themselves repulsed or immediately huffy and judgmental, do some research. There are a million and one websites that explain the basics and the theory without being pornographic, and who knows but that the information may prove of use in the future? Just because a person looks "vanilla" (not involved with kink) doesn't mean they are. Most of us keep up a very good front, afraid to come out of the closet for fear of losing jobs, friends, family relationships… There is a lot of stigma, and a lot of misinformation. That's part of the reason why I want to be open and honest about this; to dislodge and refute stereotypes and negative associations.

The reason I bring this up at all is because it's how I celebrated my birthday. The group in Yuma that I'm a part of has monthly "munches", which are vanilla gatherings where we get together and eat, hang out, and just generally have a fun time together. We also have monthly play parties where we get together and do just what the name implies-- we play, as groups, couples, or individuals. I've attended several parties but I've never had the opportunity to engage in any play before, as one of the rules imposed on me is that I'm not allowed to play unless Drogo is in attendance and gives me permission. His days off were changed to include the day the play party was held, and he came with and gave me permission to engage in some play. He said, "It's your birthday; go have some fun," all indulgent-like. It was cute. I was ecstatic. But I will write a separate post about the party and how it went, what I did, etc. for anyone who wishes to read it. Most of the time, at that party and at all the others, my time is spent hanging out with a plate of food and chatting with my friends. Just like any other party. We really are like any other people, except that our mutual hobbies are considered alternative, or even "bad". (Hence the secrecy.)

Another thing I've been wanting to write about but holding back on is my spiritual journey. If you've read some stuff from the early days of my blog, you may know that I was struggling along in a particularly conservative branch of Protestantism known as Seventh Day Adventist. I have absolutely nothing against the Adventist church, as I was essentially born and raised SDA and have a great number of fond memories throughout my life associated with it. A large amount of the people I hold near and dear to my heart are active SDA members, and I spent 3 or 4 years working as a missionary for the church here in the States. That being said, some of the attitudes and actions of members and leaders in the church really damaged me in profound ways, and some of the beliefs held by the church and by the members crippled me in ways that have been difficult to undo.

After moving back to the Southwest from the Northwest, where I lived for several years, I engaged in about a year and a half of study as to whether the basic tenets of Christianity and the authenticity of the Bible were real concepts that I could trust and build my belief system upon. I didn't find it to be so. When I stopped trying to make Christianity my worldview, life started making more sense. I began recovering from the depression that gripped me with suicidal force and pulled me into a blackness so thick that I could feel nothing else, nothing but crushing despair and agony. I laugh a little bitterly to myself when I think that I have a "reverse testimony"; that is, I'm the opposite of the people that stand up and tell how they were tormented and miserable and did all kinds of things and couldn't find happiness or true satisfaction in life until they "found Jesus", and once they became Christians and got saved then they had happiness and peace and life made sense for the first time. For me, I was tormented and miserable and couldn't find happiness or true satisfaction until I walked away from Christianity. Finally, finally, for what seemed the first time in my life, I had peace. I was happy. And I felt guilty, because from infancy up I had been taught that the SDA church had "the Truth", and if I walked away from that I would be lost forever. I worried that maybe it actually was true, and I was going to be lost for walking away… but I couldn't bring myself to go back, to resign myself to a life of such deep unhappiness and emptiness. Not now that I'd finally started liking who I was, seeing worth in myself and seeing beauty in the life around me and before me.

I've come to the place over these past 2 years where I will now call myself an agnostic atheist. My belief is that deities are the creations of mankind, a projection, a metaphor, something we need to survive mentally and emotionally as beings of higher intelligence. Don't quiz me on facts and details-- I'm still figuring all this out, and I was never a good apologeticist, no matter what side of things I stood on. I've always had leanings toward paganism, though-- Wicca or NeoPaganism and all that, or maybe some of the New Age beliefs. As I've been doing research lately, though, I have found that even Wicca is too "religious" for me. Again, I don't believe in actual, literal deities, and Wicca calls upon the God and the Goddess as literal beings. No, I'm more interested in earth based religions that acknowledge the energy and the life forces in the world around us, in the universe we reside in, and that seeks to reach out and redirect those forces with my own will. I think that the rituals have some kind of scientific effect that we don't understand yet, and so the results are attributed to "magick". A great deal of what is done now, without a second thought, could and likely would have been labeled magick a few centuries ago, much less thousands of years ago. If you went back to 12 A.D. and had a Bic lighter in your hand, do you think the people around you would recognize the interaction of friction and heat and fuel? Nope. You'd be a wizard, a sorcerer, a speaker for the gods.

Anyway, that's where I'm at now. I feel a large sense of relief to have written all that, but I also feel a nervous quivering throughout me as I contemplate pressing the "Publish" button. What if I lose my friends? What if my bestie doesn't wanna be my bestie anymore? *sigh* But then I guess… this part of me is still there, whether I speak about it or not. If I lose friends or family or whatever over this, well… them only accepting part of me isn't enough. That's not real acceptance, nor is it real love. It's just a test I must brave, I suppose.

That in mind… there's no way I'd ever reveal any of this to my grandparents, though. My grampa and I recently got into a very heated disagreement regarding Adventists who keep the Old Testament feasts. I know several people who do, and did myself at one point in time. My point was that they are living up to what they believe is what God wants them to do. Grampa got angry because they're WRONG, doesn't matter if they believe they're right or not, and they need to give up their sin and come back to the truth of God, yadda yadda yadda. He came to me and apologized afterward, admitting that he was being very closed-minded and cruel and it wasn't okay. I appreciated that very much. But if I were ever to tell him that I'm a pagan atheist BDSMer who is heteroflexible? Yeah. He'd probably never speak to me again. I've noticed that as people age they tend to become very inflexible, closed, and narrow minded. Their way or the high way, you know? Maybe it's just older Christians, or older Adventists in particular. I mean, they've spent so long having the idea pounded into them that only SDA's have the Truth, everyone else is wrong, and that a good SDA will tell them they're wrong so that they're not eternally lost. Otherwise it's on your head if they're "lost" and you didn't tell 'em, you know? Just another reason I left. I was sick of the gut sickening feeling I'd get when I walked into a grocery store or a gas station and felt like had to pass out tracts and witness or else I wasn't living up to my commitment as a Christian, and that maybe I'd let an opportunity pass that was the person's last. You know, like they'd die in a car accident right afterward on their way home or something. I hated that pressure. I still exult in my freedom as I walk into the grocery store and know that I don't have to interact with a single damn person if I don't want to, and usually I don't.

As my friend and I were discussing earlier, things change and people change right along with them. I am a very different person than I was just a year ago, or even a few months for that matter! I feel like springtime, like a bud poised on the edge of blooming at any second, like I'm finally growing after a season of being stumped and stunted and I'm coming into my potential at last. It's a great feeling. I'm learning and expanding in so many ways, and I just want to keep going. Everything inside me feels clean and happy, despite being sick, despite my life having taken such a drastic left turn. No, things aren't perfect, and there's still stress on me and in our household due to various things (bills, illness, general relationship stuff that happens to everyone), but I know that I'm already a richly developed woman and that the trend will continue. Honestly? I feel like I'm my own friend for the first time, and I'm actually glad to know me. I'm proud of myself. Isn't that the craziest thing?

Today is usually my busiest day of the week to begin with, so I'm a little apprehensive as to whether I'll make it through in decent form...

Yesterday was an open day-- work canceled, nothing else planned but group-- yet I was flat on my back with pain, fatigue, and nausea by 7:30. I had to leave group early, and the pain was so bad throughout the evening that by bedtime that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep. I slept like a log, though, thank goodness!

Yesterday was a tough pain day. I took more pain killers than usual, and was contemplating taking more at bedtime when the pain was so bad.

But today... today we're meeting with the mortgage company to discuss our options for buying the house (since all that went to hell in a handbasket rather quickly, through no fault of ours), I've got two classes and work today, and then... and then...

My family arrives tonight!!!

Yes, that I'm excited about :D I love my family dearly, so it's been hard to only see them once a year.

When they arrive, they'll be heading over to BJ and F's house to see them before they leave early tomorrow morning for M.

Yes, today is going to be a loooooong day... but so worth it.

Tomorrow, I've got my 2nd acupunture appointment, C and I meet with the officiant, and I'll definitely be hanging out with the family. Oh, and did I mention that the girls and H roll in tomorrow? Yeah! So exciting!

Friday, we'll all be hanging out and swimming at Mom and R's hotel pool, I'm sure. Cupcakes need to be made, H and I need to put our heads together and make sure we're solid for the big day, but other than that, "girls just wanna have fun." Oh, yeah, and my pre-wedding massage is set for Friday, too. I'm SO looking forward to that! (My yoga teacher is the practitioner, and she's pretty much freakin' amazing.)

Saturday, the girls want to go to church and I do not, so while they're at church I'm going to go get my manicure and pedicure. We need to decorate the cupcakes and write on my chalkboard signs, but that's all the wedding prep that needs to happen, except for maybe steaming my dress. Mom and I need to run through my hair and makeup sometime before the wedding, but I don't know what day that's going to happen. We've got the rehearsal Saturday afternoon, and then we're free to do as we like.

I've been debating whether or not to spend the night before the wedding with C, but I dunno... I really want to spend a night with the girls, but it totally doesn't have to be the night before the wedding! As a matter of fact, because of my cold feet and C's remarkable ability to calm me down (and also because all of my meds/food/fibro fighting gear is already at home), it might be best if I spent the night before at home, with C. I can spend Thursday or Friday night over at the place where the girls are staying. I think that's what I'll do.

Sunday, it all breaks loose. My photographer suggested that, because it's Easter, we set up suuuuuper early so that no churches have a chance to horn in on our flat, grassy spot. I was thinking 9 am to begin setup and decorating, she was thinking 7 am. So, happy compromise? Get up at 7, set up some chairs with signs on them that say "Reserved for J-R Wedding" and go back to bed!! lol

Wow. So soon. I somehow felt that I'd have more days with my family and the girls before the wedding, but it's really only a couple. The girls have to leave the day after, with the exception of J, who is flying out right after the ceremony to catch school the next day, but my family is staying an extra couple of days. I'm looking forward to that. Post wedding chilling with my beloved family, and the bonus is that the week after the wedding is my spring break! No classes! Sweeeeeeet.

And it is now time to wake C up and begin the very, very long day that I hope I'll get through alright. I hope I get through all of them alright! I've been a very good girl, so I hope that this hard work pays off. Even if it doesn't... my support system is amazing, and they all understand :) I love that.

Also, with all the stuff going on, and all the people that I love so much around me, I'm almost certainly going to be totally AWOL from the blog world, unless I have something particularly pressing to get off of my chest.

See you on the other side. I'll be Mrs. R. What will you be? ;)

I have something that's heavy on my heart that I want to process through.

Part of me is holding back, since I know that some people actually read this, and, well... maybe it's not something that I'm entirely sure that I want to share with them... just yet. Maybe. It involves a lot of vulnerability and risk on my end, and that's just darn uncomfortable.

But on the other hand... this is my blog, for goodness sake! I can write about whatever I darn well please! This is my space to figure things out, and I don't write for anyone. I write for me. If someone happens to read it, that's incidental.

So I guess I'm just going to hash out what I need to, regardless of the consequences. Come what may. Here goes. *deep breath*

I know it may seem like I'm going crazy these days, going "off the deep end" with my lifestyle in a way. You know, leaving church and questioning God and trying out alcohol and getting my sexy on and all that jazz. Wearing makeup. Eating dairy, and-- Lord forbid-- doing it on a regular basis! (lol) Piercing my ears. Listening to rock and roll. Watching movies. Talking about sex and masturbation openly and freely with friends.

Some who know me may think that I've changed. I disagree. I think that I'm finally allowing myself to be who I've been all along... and I'm not making these decisions on spontaneous whims, either. (Well, most of them. Some are whims, yes, but that's just a part of life.) I pride myself on the fact that I'm making conscious, informed choices based on what I believe to not only be right, but what I believe will enhance my sense of self and be good for me in the long run, as well as those around me (if that applies at all). Remember, my word for this year is "authenticity". I want to be truly who I am, not some faker with a mask on. Too long, too long... I tried being someone else for too long.

And that's part of the problem that I have with "organized religion" or "mainstream Christianity" or whatever you want to call it. I totally believe that the Bible was inspired by God. I do. But after really deeply searching, questioning, and studying the issue, I have come to the conclusion that it is also a very human book influenced by cultural dictates and expectations of the time, and the author's own personal knowledge, understanding, and personality. In short, God may have inspired the original thought, but it had to pass through a lot of filters before it got down on paper... and I'm okay with that. I realized that I used to believe that God just kind of opened his mouth and the King James Bible fell out of it into our laps. Not the case at all!

Anyway, what I encountered in my bouts of intense Christianity is this-- people and churches hold the Bible up as this standard (which is good, don't get me wrong), but it becomes an inviolable pattern for what a person should be. You must be this way to be spiritual. You must do this to be a Christian. If you don't fit the mold, then you must alter yourself to fit it.

It makes me think of the fashion industry. They hold up this standard of beauty that's totally unrealistic, and then the average woman must pinch, poke, tuck, cut, sew, sweat, paint, pluck, and perform all kinds of contortions to fit herself into this preconceived concept of beauty... instead of acknowledging, owning, and celebrating the innate and inherent beauty that she already possesses. People are all beautiful in different ways, and what appeals to one person doesn't necessarily appeal to another. That's just the way it works.

And I feel it's the same with souls, or personalities, or whatever you want to call it. This standard, this mold, is held up as being The Only Way, and it is left up to you to essentially mutilate yourself to fit into that mold. I hate that. My relationship with God is not one-size-fits-all, and neither is my personality. I'm not like other people in many, many ways.

It's taken a long time before I've become okay with that. My mom was instrumental in the dawning of this realization. I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't as good of a person as I wanted to be, etc, and she pointed out to me that God created me with the personality that I have. Who I am is part nurture, of course, but part of it is nature, and that came from God. (God, and my genes... That's a subject for later. I don't think God has a chemistry lab full of personality components up in the sky somewhere, nor do I think he has buttons and levers in our heads to "direct our steps", but I think he works through circumstances and events and makes the best of the choices that we make through our free will.)

So I'm becoming more in tune with who I am, really... trying to be an authentic person, and striving to become a better and better person through that-- a healthy, balanced person who can give back to the world around her in a positive way. Not out of guilt, not because I "have to" in order to be accepted by people or by God, not because people are watching me and I want to impress them with how good I am (I went through that pissing contest with Brother G during our "courtship". Ugh. I was SO depressed!).

And that brings me to the heavy stuff.

C and I have been having some interesting conversations about sex lately... you know, since I'm thinking about it and talking about it all the time. Anyway, it's been challenging for me in some really weird ways, as I've had to confront and think through a lot of the issues with sex I've been carrying around for so long. Firstly, my experience with and understanding of sexuality was warped from the get-go, because my introduction was being molested by a father figure. After that started, I began frequenting AOL chat rooms and experimenting with online sex, although I didn't know about masturbation, so I was kind of out of the loop on that one. It was a thrill, but it was really scary and creepy so I quit that.

I don't know why I didn't become promiscuous. I think there is something innately in me that leans toward modesty, and I'm grateful for that. I'm too... faithful, I guess. I want to attach to one person at a time. I simply can't have sex with someone I am not in a committed, serious relationship with. (Not that I've ever slept with anyone besides C, but that doesn't really matter.) Heck, I never even dated someone that I was not friends with first. That's just me. And I think that kept me from sleeping around, because I totally could have swung that way. I so much crave approval and acceptance, I'm mildly surprised that I didn't go that route. But, despite the warpage I received, I've always been pretty naive about sex. (C is "educating" me about some things, and my mind is continually being blown about all the stuff I never knew about. Wowza. Some of it's good, some of it's weird, and some of it's downright creepy and we laugh at it.)

Our recent conversations have been a catalyst for much thought, it's true... and they've brought up an issue that's also been brought up repeatedly in the past. I have done some deep thinking and soul-searching on it, and I came to a rather startling conclusion the other day that has me reeling.

I kind of feel the same way that I did when I got my fibromyalgia diagnosis. It's like, "Oh, that's the name to describe what I've been going through! Okay! So now I have an identifier. Um... what do I do with this? How do I balance this in my life, and how do I deal with this new word that is a part of my life, and all the attendant emotions/repercussions?"

After doing some deep thinking and soul searching, and finally being in a place where I feel okay to be honest with myself, I realized a hard truth.

I'm bisexual.

I'm marrying a man in 8 weeks, but I'm attracted to women as well. I have been for as long as I can remember.

I've denied it for a super long time, especially after entering the world of conservative Adventism. Homosexuality in any form is wrong, and the people must be changed! (Again, back to the mutilation of personhood for the sake of the standard/mold.) I still haven't figured out why God hates gay people so much... but I'm sure it's an issue that I'll be dealing with if I want to keep any kind of relationship with him, which I totally do.

Funny thing is, I've never been able to bring myself to condemn homosexuality, and I never could figure out why, exactly. You know Christians rant and rave about the homos and how God's going to punish them and it's a crime against nature, yada yada yada... I never could get into that. I always felt sympathetic, like, "Dude, it's their choice, their life, and they're not messing with you, so leave them alone! What's your deal?" Like, really? Who am I to tell someone who they can and cannot love?

And now I realize that it's because I identify with them.

It's really, really weird to be able to say that, to put into words an aspect of my life that's been repressed for the entirety of it... to own something so potentially divisive and, well... explosive, for lack of a better term.

I don't really feel the need to tell anyone about it, really, because I am marrying a man in a few weeks, after all. If I were single and went out and got a girlfriend, then yeah. I'd have to explain something to friends and family. As it is, though, I've never really acted on my inclinations. I know they can be ignored, even if they're forever lurking.

The neat thing is that C is totally supportive of me. I am not going to go cheat on him with a woman, just as I would never cheat on him with a man. We're still in a committed, monogamous relationship and this doesn't change that. Sure, if I had owned this sooner I may have ended up with a woman instead of a man, but I love C with my entire being. This changes nothing, except that being able to be honest with him about this and receiving his unconditional love and support has deepened and strengthened our relationship.

I'm feeling very insecure and vulnerable since I "came out" to C the other day, because I'm still not sure where-- or even if-- this fits into my life at all, except that I now have permission to freely check out chicks much as I would check out guys. "Oooh, he's cute!" "Wow, she's hot!" lol

It's just... weird. Owning this, acknowledging this... I feel free, but at the same time terrified. What if I lose friends over this? I keep having dreams that I end up in these helpless situations and SOULS people are trying to kill me. No joke. It's been a recurring theme these past few days. I guess it's that I still care about all my former classmates and the SOULS people... and I kind of miss being part of such a tight-knit culture. But I really (and I mean really) don't fit into that culture any more... and I'm also scared of being judged, rejected, scathingly rebuked, and all that jazz. The friends I have in real life right now? They would be totally fine with it. As a matter of fact, I told S this morning, and he just looked at me like, "So?" LOL. It's just not a big deal, because we all have that mindset of, "You believe what you believe, you live the way you want to live, and as long as you're not hurting anyone we're cool. If you are doing something stupid, we'll tell you, and don't screw anyone over or you'll get your a** kicked... and then we'll be cool again if you've learned your lesson."

I remember back when a friend of mine came out on her blog, while I was living up north. I showed it to C (my adopted mom, not my future husband) and we talked about it a little bit. She then proceeded to ask me if I was gay, and of course I answered no! The ulterior motive was to make sure that I wasn't going to go around corrupting her daughters, which I totally understand. But, you see, I'm not gay. I like guys very much! I'm marrying one, for crying out loud! But I also like girls.

I've never acted on it much... just a few incidents here and there. That's not to say that I didn't want to, but I'd been conditioned to believe that it was okay for other people, but it was bad for me. Dirty. You don't do that if you're a good person, you know? And SOULS definitely reinforced that. But yeah, I've wanted to date several girls in my life. And I've had crushes on girls right along with guys. I tend to like guys more often and with more intensity than girls, but it's still there.

So... yeah. My big secret, blown.

I really hope no one hates me after this. J, are you reading this? Can we still be besties? Are you still standing up with me at my wedding?

I'm literally in tears over the prospect of losing valuable relationships over this, because so many people I know and love are the conservative Christians who condemn this kind of thing on principle... and I really, really don't want anyone to be uncomfortable around me. I mean, I'm sleeping over at my sis J's house in a week, and I don't want her to think that I'm secretly hitting on her or anything. I mean, it's like any other sexual attraction-- just cause you're heterosexual doesn't mean you want to sleep with every guy you see, or even flirt with them. You're not attracted to every guy, you don't want a relationship with every guy... and it's the same thing. I'm not attracted to every girl, and I really haven't changed at all. The only thing is that I'm recognizing and owning a trait that was already there, that has been there most of my life. I'm still the same person, I'm still faithful to my fiance, and I'm still madly in love with him. My platonic relationships are still platonic, my friendships with girls are still just friendships (just as with my guy friends), and my family is still my family.

Again, it's like my fibro diagnosis. Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed. The way I see myself has changed, and I'm trying to work through that. It's tough. I'm scared, vulnerable, and very insecure. But having that warm safety net of C's devotion and affection has meant more than I can say. He loves me-- all of me-- including this facet. Oh man, do you know what it is like to experience a love like that? To be totally known and totally accepted? It's... bliss, man. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I don't know how to wrap this up, frankly. I was afraid that I'd get all this out and then delete it, but... I think I need to take that step and post it. For myself. Because if I delete it, then I'm negating the sentences where I say "I'm okay with myself." I'm giving into a shame that has no source, out of fear of rejection that may or may not happen... I'm letting "what ifs" control me, and I don't wanna live that way anymore. This isn't about my sexuality so much as it is taking control of my own life and not letting fear control me anymore.

And with that.... *deep breath* I'm clicking the Publish button.

Note: An interesting link that explains bisexuality in a very rational way, for those so inclined to further understand what it's all about. The "Tips" section I find especially helpful in explaining the thought process surrounding it. Oh, yes, and then there's this one- 8 Tips on How to Accept a Close Friend's Sexual Orientation. Just some fun food for thought, and a different perspective/thought process for some people.

I was thinking about this last night as I took a walk (3.3 miles, not too shabby). And somewhat yesterday "morning" as C and I were at the range. And during the week, while I was laid out on the couch, sick.

Suffice to say that it's been on my mind in various forms a lot lately. :)

I feel like I'm finally learning how to do life well. Probably due in part to The Gifts of Imperfection and A Deeper Story, my mindset is changing. Imperfection doesn't send quick bolts of fear to my heart like it used to. (Um, okay, as much as it used to.)  My vocabulary is changing. I no longer seek the right choice, as though there were only one right way to do things out of the myriad of choices we are presented every day, but a right choice. I have come to believe that there is more than one right way to do things, more than one right choice. Maybe they vary in degrees of rightness-- I haven't gotten that far in refining my personal philosophy yet. But I'm breaking free of my black and white prison.

Probably part of it is due to my wonderful mate. (I almost typed husband! Almost... just 6 more months.) His no-frills way of approaching the world has helped me to be realistic, to take the machete of common sense to many of the briars that had grown up to choke my mind. It's not all briars, to be sure. I come across many valuable little plantings that I want to keep and nurture. And sometimes he disagrees, and that's okay. We have fun little clashings, interesting philosophical conversations that leave both of us shaking our heads because it's like trying to talk to a rock. (We're both a little stubborn, and too smart for our own good.)

Maybe it's because I have stability and safety, I can focus on the smaller aspects of life now. I can take the time to be good to myself, to speak my own love language, to be kind to myself. I don't have to be "on" twenty-four hours a day. And that is a huge relief and blessing.

Another thing I'm learning is to just let the day happen. Don't try to force it into a mold of what you think it ought to be like. Just let it go. Experience it as it comes. This is what I was thinking of yesterday at the range. I have a habit of looking forward to something being over even when it's hardly begun. Maybe so I can remember it and think about it, I don't know. It's like my chewing habits, but with experiences. I bolt down one forkful because I'm already looking forward to the next.

I think this "chewing thoroughly" thing is teaching me more than I'd bargained for.

Anyway, yesterday we went out and C taught me how to shoot his pistol. (I'm not good, but I'm not bad, either. If someone were coming at me, I'd say I have a 70% chance of hitting them, but odds are it wouldn't be where I was aiming!) (C is telling me that if someone is coming at me, I ought to treat it like the Renaissance one-shot pistols they used to use in sword fights-- fighting, fighting, take your pistol out and plant it directly against their chest. Did it go off? No? Then keep fighting with your sword! lol Apparently pirates used to do it that way, because it takes your chances of missing down to zero, and they already had to worry about whether or not the gun would actually go off, because the powder might be wet, etc.)

While we were out there, I found myself wanting it to be over, not because I wasn't having a good time (I rather enjoyed myself), but just because that's what I do. Fortunately, I caught myself, and I was able to focus and be more or less present for the rest of the few hours we were out there.

And as far as "planning my days"... I've more or less given that up. I mean, there are certain things I need to accomplish on certain days, to be sure, and I work on getting them done. What I mean is that detailed scheduling that I'm so fond of. "Okay, I'll do homework from one to three-thirty, at which point I should be done, then I'll clean the house from three-thirty to five, and then C and I will watch a movie, and then we'll do this, and then while he's playing SWOTR, I'll do this certain craft, and then..." Yeah, that's kind of boring. Plus it leads to frustrated expectations. What if C doesn't want to watch a movie, or cuddle with me when he gets home like I thought in my mind, or what if he wants to play SWOTR first and then do something with me, or what I if I don't feel like doing that craft? I think that dissective mindset was one of the things that led me to "soldier through" the day and activities, even if I wasn't feeling it. Like, I said I was gonna do it, so by gum I'll do it!

Allowing myself to take naps really shattered that. I can't exactly schedule a nap into my day, because who knows if I'll even need one, or how long I'll nap for, or... anything?

It's so much more pleasant to know what I need to get done and just let the day evolve as it will. There are times (especially this last week!) when I have to tell myself, Look, I know you want to quit this and do something fun. I understand, and I'm sorry. But this needs to be done, and you need to do it. Yes, you will be rewarded for your hard work, just not right now. Capice? So it's not like I just goof off and let my days fly to the wind. It's more of an "I'm not dead set on when this must occur, and if I don't get everything accomplished today that I'd like to, it's not the end of the world and I can get it done tomorrow."

I like this new way of living.

I like the little things that I'm free to do now. I like feeling free to buy myself a bouquet of flowers and decorate the jar that I put them it. I like being able to go to Michael's in the evening and window shop. I like being able to take long walks. I like being able to cook myself good food. I like being able to watch a movie, with or without C. I like being able to take a nap, should I so desire. I like being able to spend an hour or two Stumbling neuroscience articles, craft sites, and cartoons. I like my plans to decorate the house for fall, just because. I like being able to take time to just freak out if I'm dealing with stuff, if I need to.

I like my life.

I'm happy with it.

I never thought I'd be able to say that with such conviction and satisfaction.

At the gentle questioning of a friend, it occurred to me that I haven't bothered to come back and note that I'm doing okay (for now).

Sabbath was better. Sunday was better yet, and today hasn't been too bad.

I made pancakes on Sunday, which were fantastic. However, I slept in today, which I'm not so thrilled with. (A consequence of staying up until 4 a.m.... again.) I got most of what I needed to done, and I'm adopting the attitude, "What will be will be, and I'm just going to do what I can and not worry about the rest." It's helping me tremendously to fight back the panic and overwhelmed-ness.

I hear there're a few jobs open for students at the base, and I'm going to get an application tomorrow.

Read a few interesting things this weekend (thank you, Cracked!) that helped me get a reality check on my expectations for my life. It disheartens me that things aren't easy, but why should they be? Why can't I do hard things? I can, you know. I have before. As much as I really prefer not to be working and somehow miraculously able to survive anyhow, I know that I can endure even awful working situations, because I have before.

So, I guess the possibility of things being hard holds less of a panic trigger for me. I'm making my peace with it, and I think it'll be okay.

Went with some friends to work out at the gym on base tonight, and it was a little awkward, since there were a lot of Marines there, and I don't like large groups of people. Especially people that look at you when you walk through a door. I could flatter myself and think that they were watching me because I'm attractive, but more likely it's that they were watching me because I walked through a door into a room that they were already in. That's kind of what people do.

I'm optimistic for now. Still trying to walk forward with God.

Went to a wedding this weekend. It was sweet and simple. Gave me an idea for where I want to have my reception.

Also, found out that I'm going to be auntie to a little niece this November! :D :D :D
I'm SO looking forward to indulging my mothering instincts on the wee lass.

Oh yeah, and I love my boyfriend. He's so good to me.

Thus ends another not-so-eventful weekend.

The time has come... the time to pack up and head out.

It's bittersweet, for I really am looking forward to being home with my beloved again, yet... the ones I leave behind are also deeply loved.

There's this nostalgic sadness permeating the atmosphere of my mind this week. This could be the last time we do ______ together. This could be the last time I see D play the guitar and sing like that. Wow, I haven't seen D play the guitar and sing like that in over a year. This could be the last time for ______. This could be my last racquetball...


And, truthfully, I just want to head home from here. I don't really want to go work for S, because it takes so much out of me, emotionally, to spend large quantities of time over there, and and I'm already rather depleted. Tired... so tired...

But I'm going to miss these dear friends-turned-family. I always do. All of them, not just the S's.

I suppose that we always carry a little bit of each other inside of us, in the form of memories or inspiration. I am fortunate enough to come away with both.

But, as they say... "I can't miss you if you won't leave!" ;)

I must go finish packing good ol' Shenandoah. (What a faithful steed!)

If you could soldier on, headstrong into the storm
I'll be here waiting on the other side
Don't look back the road is long, the first days of the war are gone
Take back your former throne and turn the tide

'Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes open, my love

So tell me you're strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me?
To keep your eyes open, my love

Just past the circumstance, the first light, a second chance
No child could ever dance the way you do
Tear down the prison walls, don't stop the curtain calls
Your chains will never fall until you do

'Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unknown
Till you keep your eyes open, my love
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I'll never let you fall apart
If you keep your eyes open, my love

Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up your eyes, the weight is unbroken

Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up
Ohhh open up your eyes (keep your eyes open)

Don't let the night become the day
Don't take the darkness to the grave
I know pain is just a place
The will has been broken

Don't let the fear become the hate
Don't take the sadness to the grave
I know the fight is on the way
When the sides have been chosen

'Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You'll never make it to the great unkown
Open up your eyes, keep your eyes open

So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I'll never let you fall apart
If you keep your eyes open, my love
Keep your eyes... (keep your eyes open)

C took me to the county fair last night. It was real nice, except the part where he batted his eyelashes at me and in my smitten stupor I agreed to go on this crazy, death-defying ride that I didn't care for at all!

Well, okay... maybe it didn't happen like that... lol

I'm still dubious about his desire to take me to Six Flags. Very dubious.

While at the fair, I saw several of my friends from church, and, since C and I were linked by the hands, it's pretty clear that we're an item. I guess this is part of the "getting the church people used to the idea" stage.

Interestingly, Gramma and Grampa took C and I out for lunch on Friday to celebrate C's 26th bday, and they've been singing his praises since. They like him very much, and see him as a respectful, mature, upstanding young man who quite obviously loves me, treats me well, and treats them well. Grampa's praying his big ol' heart out for C, and I am, too.

Mom is also in favor of the match. I think R is a bit hesitant, just because he's thinking that this is a rebound from my time with D. Mom and I are both inclined to think differently. Oh, and E is pro-C, too, surprisingly, because she was one of the loudest voices against my marrying him last time. I believe she's come around to this point of view because she has seen my growth, she has heard me talk about him and his growth, and she sees it as a good match. She wants to have us over for dinner so she can get to know him for herself, and I'm totally cool with that.

I've never "gotten over" C totally, although I did manage to (mostly) keep him out of my mind during the 2 1/2 years we weren't communicating. Something I realized a while back is that, in my attempts to move on, to explain things from the past, and to keep myself from wanting to be with him... I demonized him, of a sort. I projected things that arose out of my own dysfunctions onto him and then cried, "Abuse! Abuse!" In reality, they were miscommunications, misunderstandings, and my own lack of boundaries and assertiveness. And this is not to say in any way that I'm messed up and he's normal and any conflicts or issues are my fault-- no, that would not be true. He has baggage, too... but different. And maybe not as much or as dramatic as mine.

I'm fully cognizant of the fact that I've made many, many mistakes with C. I've gone back for the wrong reasons, recklessly seeking freedom from the darkness that plagued me... and that was wrong. And what we did was wrong. I know that. I've asked God and C for forgiveness.... but it caused me many hours of tormented grief. Wanting to be with him, yet knowing that what we were doing was wrong... I couldn't live that way. So I "broke up" with him. I ended the fling. I felt so much better. No more afflicted conscience! Plus, my church friends approved of me again.

In that two weeks of being torn, many people shared 2 Corinthians 6:14 with me, which says, "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" (I got that one way back in the summer of '06 from the canvassers-- it was part of the catalyst for my first breakup with C.)

And taking that one verse to apply to my situation seemed to sum up everything nice and tidy- I keep my standing within the church,  people are relieved, I go back to life as I know it, and things move on.

And then... fertility struck. I suspected I was pregnant, and came to believe that I was. This, of course, led to conversations about how to raise the kid, which led to discussions about our underlying values and morals and codes of ethics, and I realized... Oh snap. a.) He's totally way more amazing than I remembered and I still love him hopelessly! b.) Our values, morals, and ethics are the same/incredibly compatible, with a few small variations. Our motivations are even eerily similar, which is odd, because he's an atheist, and I'm a Christian...


This, in turn, led to my examination of my thought processes and motivations. I mean, it's been 9 years, and we still love each other as much as we did at the beginning. Can I really dismiss that with a single Bible verse? Not to mention that my process of questioning was already underway, which meant that I was less looking for proof to back up my conclusion and more looking for a conclusion to come to.

I knew that verse in 2 Corinthians, alright, but a balancing verse had also been making its presence known in my life, and that is 1 Corinthians 7:13-14, which says, "And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."

Then, as I believe that the Old Testament is just as valuable as the New, I wondered what the OT had to say about this kind of thing. In an article I was reading about unequally yoked marriages, it brought up a passage in Deuteronomy 22, which talks about different marriage and adultery situations, and what to do. I found it very interesting that, when a woman was betrothed, it was considered adultery to sleep with someone else, even though the ceremony hadn't happened yet. The one that really boggled my mind, though, was in verses 28-29, and that says, "If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he shall not put her away all his days."

I always knew that God designed sex to be within marriage, but now I was starting to get a glimpse of just how important it really is in God's eyes. (I realize this is talking about rape, so it's not a perfect analogy.)

Then, I went back to Genesis and read this: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

The implications of this stunned me, and especially so when I read 1 Corinthians 6:16- "Or do you not realize that when a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? The two, it is written, become one flesh."

It's not that sex just belongs within marriage... Sex defines marriage. No wonder God is so picky! When you have sex with someone, you are choosing them as your partner... for life. Just like divorce, you can leave that partner and move on to someone new, but you're breaking bonds that aren't meant to be broken, and damage will result. Inevitably. Neuroscience has even proven it to be so.


And so I came to the conclusion (probably gonna be an unpopular one, but hey, whatevs) that if you have sex with someone, you are basically married in the eyes of God. You are saying, "I choose this person to be bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, and to be my partner for life. We are now one."

And then I realized... I've been "married" for 9 years... without realizing it. C and I got together when I was still an unbeliever, but I've since come around (sort of... do I count as a Christian when I have all these questions and wonderings? I don't know.) I believe that this puts me in the camp of the believing wife with an unbelieving husband.

So, with this little bit of dawning awareness under my belt, I thought and prayed about whether or not to get back together with C... with the intention of marriage. Like, the ceremony.

Honestly, I was afraid God would hate me if I did, because I've been so conditioned to believe that C is bad, and he represents all darkness in my life, and there's no way that I can have C and God, so I was choosing between them... but when I realized that I'm not choosing between God and C, it was such a relief! Interestingly, this here process of thought is part of what led to my epiphany about my perceiving God as being like G.

As I was hiking last week, I thought again about the "three lights as one", and I compared that to my life and my experience right now. I do believe that I'm okay, Scripturally, to go forward in this. What about my heart? Yes, there's peace there ever since I made the decision. (Granted, I do have some tremors of panic about actually settling down in one place... for. ever. But I realize that it's not so much an issue with C as it is just me on that one... I'm going to talk to my counselor about that.) And circumstance? You wouldn't believe the doors that I see cracking open from my decision to stay here in Yuma. It's... kind of unreal. And it makes me kind of giddy.

Another thing that I have had to deal with since making this decision is the fact that some people are going to be disappointed. And, quite frankly, that was almost enough to dissuade me from choosing C. But I realized... I cannot go making personal, life-altering decisions based on whether or not I think someone will be happy with my decision or not. As an SDA, we are barraged with the end-time scenario of remaining faithful to God, even though the whole world is against us and trying to convince us to go with their flow. If I continue to make decisions based on what I think others think I should do, I will in no way be prepared to stand up for myself and stick to my guns despite pressure. Whether I choose C or not is irrelevant-- it's whether or not I'm making this decision for myself or not. (And, quite frankly, I think I'm making a good choice.)

And you know what else? Those people can be disappointed. They have a right to that, and they can feel what they want or need to feel, and that's okay. I'm not going to stop them. But I'm not going to let it stop me, either.

So, tomorrow I'm stopping by the office of the Episcopalian priest who we're renting space for the support groups from. He came to speak to the women's groups twice, and I'm thoroughly impressed. Turns out his wife was abused before they were married, so I know he understands what it's like to live with that kind of damage as a factor in the relationship. E told me he does pre-marital counseling, and she says he's good. We'll see where it goes, but I think I'd like him to do that for C and I.

You know what's funny? Mom and R were married by an Episcopalian priest ;)

So C hasn't officially proposed yet, but the upcoming wedding is a definite reality for us.

I'm actually thinking as early as the end of August... I mean, I'll be taking off to school right away, but I'd be doing that regardless. And, while C and I have not had sex, we are having a hard time maintaining sexual purity. I know there are choices I can make that will make it easier, and I'm trying to consistently make those choices. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I really am better than I was, and constantly getting better. And C really feels the burden of being "the strong one", but he is warring against himself, and that's always hard.

So I'm thinking that August might be judicious, because, to sum it up in the words of Paul, "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinthians 7:9)

I'm really proud of C, though, for trying so hard.

"It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

I used to think this expression was silly and pointless, but now I begin to see the truth of it.

Loving someone can be a beautiful thing, even if it's an unrequited love. That makes it hard, but it's still beautiful and special. I did not know I could experience love like this, and it's pleasantly surprising.

I've been thinking about D a lot lately, especially on this trip for some reason. Mom and I have talked it over quite a bit, as she's quite knowledgeable in the inner workings of men. (At least, it seems that way to me-- she's had a lot more time and experience than I have. That applies to life knowledge, period.)

A couple of days ago, I set things up to go work for his mom, S, when I get back from my trip. That'll earn me some gas money for my little/big adventure. After S and I finished our conversation, I realized that it's been almost a year since I've seen D, and it's been the better part of 6 months since I've even heard his voice. I realized that I miss him. I miss him a lot. Still.

In bed that night, I was tossing and turning, and crying. I asked God (again) to take this love out of my heart and replace it with a platonic love. (It hasn't happened yet.) It's so weird... it's like, the more time passes, the more my feelings increase, increment by increment. That's so DUMB! I want to be over him, I want to move on, and I don't want to feel this way anymore!

Part of the reason I know it's love and not lust or infatuation or whatever is because a.) I recognize lust, and I'm not pining after his body (although he is good looking), and b.) I'm concerned about what's best for him instead of what I  want-- a new concept in relationships for me. Oh, and c.) I'm willing to let him go. I don't have to have him, especially if that would be detrimental to him.

And I've evaluated several times whether or not writing to him is the right thing for me to do, in the light of "What's best for D?" (Or, at least, trying, since I'm still new at this kind of thing, and because I don't have any input from his side to help me balance out my evaluations.) It was the right thing for me to do, but now I've come to the place where I realize that to continue would be selfish of me.

I cried and prayed for D (and then some other people after I stopped crying) and tossed and turned for two hours. Could NOT sleep. So, as I was praying some more and thinking, the idea came to me that perhaps I cannot sleep because I need to actually write the letter I was thinking about writing at the beginning of the two hours, telling D the truth about how I feel, and basically saying goodbye.

So, I did. I wrote D a letter telling him how I feel, how I felt hurt when he stopped talking to me, that I'm praying for him and his future wife, and that I won't be writing to him anymore.

And then I mailed it.

And then I panicked a little.

However, I believed that night, and still firmly believe, that it was the right thing to do.

I didn't do it to "get him back". I mean, sure, there's a little hope there that he will read the letter and come sweep me off my feet, so to speak. I won't lie. However, that is outweighed by the near certainty of absolute silence and no response whatsoever, which is what I'm in the process of resigning myself to.

So why? Why write a letter that won't change anything? Because I feel that it is fair for him to know, so that when he goes into a future relationship, he has a bigger knowledge base for decision making. If I do not tell him the truth about what happened on my end of things in the relationship, I'm robbing him of the ability to really make a decision, because he is acting on limited information. Like, how can I be upset if I never hear from him again if he thinks that I never really cared in the first place, so why bother?

I guess I just felt that it was important to the health of his future relationships for him to understand what happened in this one. I've felt that way for a long time, but never knew how to bring it up. "Yes, the garden is doing great... the radishes are up now, and by the way, never just stop talking to your girlfriend 'cause you'll break her heart like you did mine. Oh, and our cole crop seedlings are simply thriving!" Riiiight.

As for me, it was kind of a freedom thing, a step forward in moving on.

Yes, I love and have loved him, and there is no shame in that. It's not a bad thing, and I don't have to hide it. It proves that I'm human, thank goodness.

I freaked out a little, though, because egads-- what will he think of me?! And what if he reads it and does do something? What if he calls me?

And, honestly, though I'm resigning myself to the likely reality of not hearing from him, I will be sad and disappointed at some point, because it's kind of like rejection, and who wants to risk that? But I know that someday I can and will love someone who loves me in return, and that will be glorious. So, until that day, I'm just resting in God and his timing.

For now, I want to learn how to love God better.

And you know what? As hard as it is to love someone who seems to ignore you, this has given me a tear-filled glimpse into the heart of God that yearns over humanity. It's both beautiful and tragic at the same time.

However, as Mom pointed out earlier today... D can't forget about me, either. I mean, I left, and he was leaving... and that's when he calls me and wants to get together? And then we break up, time passes, he's seemingly forgotten about me... and I get that text about how he thinks about me a lot.

So maybe there's more there than I thought there was. Mom also mused upon the fact that, since he's been married before, it's obvious that he's, as she put it, a "leaper". He gets involved in relationships, not runs away from them. So his running away might mean that he's defending himself against hurt because he has some strong feelings too, or because he didn't think that I was really interested, etc.

And we both pondered the situation of his past-- after getting involved in drugs and drinking and stuff, then moving back home to help take care of his mom, this is the first time he's really been“straight”on his own, by himself, for himself... not to please someone else. And he's chasing a dream he's had for years. I think, she thinks, we all think that he really needs this time to learn, to grow, and to figure out who he is and what he wants.

In the meantime, I'll be moving to one of the Adventist capitals of the world, practically, and meeting plenty of nice, handsome, young men. Won't that just be wonderful? :) Have fun in Alaska, D. I love you, but I'm chasing my dream, too.

Besides... I'm too restless to settle down! Hehe.

*Note: I never actually used the “L-word” in the letter. I just told him that I came to care about him deeply, and still do.

I forgot exactly how many days I had left, and I was thinking that I had one more week, so I was internally freaking out a little bit, but then when I was doing dishes I realized that, no, I have two weeks.

Yay!

Excerpt from an email from a friend entitled "cow head":

Cow head is under the stairs. (vacuum closet) Please don't let the children play with it. I can't think of anything worse than a broken cow head.


That pretty much made my day.

Oh, and finding ten bucks in the pocket of my jeans (gas money) that I had put there a while back. That always cheers a body up!

Oh, and finishing a top secret project for some topsecretness which I cannot currently unveil due to the sheer topsecreticity of it.

It's been pretty good, today. God reminded me not to worry, not to freak out. After all, am I not worth more than many sparrows? His love is unfailing, and if I can see the big picture long enough to realize how fleeting and insignificant my money troubles are in the face of the reality that I have the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe taking care of me (the one who created gold and silver, aight?), then I can rest peacefully in the assurance that I am going to be okay. No matter what my bank statement says. God is not limited by Wells Fargo, people! I just want the world to know that.

More importantly, I want my own soul to know that.

I like good days. Especially when they end with my hand in God's hand.