So I totally hyped myself up for nothing.

The evening with SOULS went well; so well, in fact, that I'm doing it again next Friday. It was good to see A. I didn't realize how much I missed her until we were hanging out again.

One of her girls was like, "You guys seem like sisters!"

We exchanged glances/grimaces and said, "We pretty much are..."

When A introduced me to the group, she included a brief synopsis of our history, which went something like this:

"This is my friend C. We graduated SOULS together... and academy... and canvassed together... and did an underwater basket weaving class together..."

I, of course, kept a straight face and rolled with it. The best part is that they totally believed her! :D When one of the students came up and asked about underwater basket weaving, we bounced back and forth on how underwater basket weaving is superior to dry basket weaving, because the weightlessness makes it easier for you to shape the overall product, and the strands are easier to keep in place, and... It was really funny, actually. We eventually told them the truth.

So, nothing negative went down. Was I almost hoping that it would? Maybe.

I realized, while listening to experiences and testimonies, that I was judging them much the way that I had anticipated that they would judge me. What a hypocrite, eh? So I knocked it off.

I was a little overwhelmed when they first showed up, because the girls flooded the kitchen, one after another, introducing themselves and trying to hug me and wishing me happy Sabbath and offering to help. They reminded me of a bunch of little A's (my BW partner). I was like, "Oh, yeah... I forgot how 'social' SOULS kids are..." But it was okay. They were all nice.

I am, however, glad that I'm no longer part of that culture. It was tiring, in many ways. I like my life, and I'm happy with where I'm at. But it was good to see where I've come from, you know?

After the evening was over, I headed back to the church and gave A a nice, 45-minute massage. She gave me really good feedback, and said that she can definitely see improvement from the last time I've massaged her. (20x better!)

Unfortunately, I was already having a tough time yesterday, physically... but I was so focused on the massage that I didn't think about anything else. I definitely overdid it, especially by kneeling and crouching for those 45 minutes on a hard floor and the repetitive motion that a massage naturally entails. I am feeling it today, and in a lot of pain.

I would venture to say, though, that it was probably worth it. I mean, this fibro stuff tends to be cyclical, I'm noticing... and I was already headed downward. And A really needed that massage. I won't be doing it next week, though.

I was thinking about my trip back home... and how that can potentially be a nightmare. I have a feeling that I'm going to need to seriously dope myself up. Hours of sitting, combined with carrying my stuff through long stretches of airport-- something I haven't thought twice about in years past. Now it's just another obstacle to consider and overcome... like food.

C and I are both learning bits and pieces about this new facet of my life. I share what I learn with him, and vice versa.

For the wedding, I plan to set up an air mattress with blankets and pillows in the bed of his truck so I have somewhere to lie down and rest should I need to. I'm also going to wear my fancy shoes for the ceremony, but I'll be changing into my combat boots for the reception. No sense in bringing unnecessary pain upon myself.

We'll figure it out, one way or another.

Time to go study. My first final is a day and a half!

Good grief, what am I doing up this early?

I could go to church, if I wanted to.

Hurts too much to go anywhere, though...

Hurts too much to sleep.

I'm surprised I got any at all, restless as it was.

Then again, it's like that most nights these days... just without the pain.

Here's hoping those pain killers actually work...

I wonder if I can hobble to the bathroom and draw a hot bath?

Well, the Christmas tree is up and littered with ornaments now. I mean, it's been up for a while, and lit with lights, but I finally got some ornaments and hung them up today. By "got", I mean "borrowed from D". Heh.

I finished everything but one assignment for my online class (an assignment that's worth more than the final, I might add!), and my math final got moved to Wednesday, so things are a bit less hectic for me than I thought they would be. *Whew!* So now I can focus especially on studying for my A&P class, which (thanks to my previous study and my sharp mind) I now have extra points in. Is there a grade for that beyond A+? Anyway, I worked the numbers and figured out that I can miss 69 of 200 questions on the final without sliding down to a B. Any more than that, though, and I lose my A. Though it is doubtful that this will happen, except in the event of a spontaneous lobotomy, it's nice to know that I've got such a big cushion. Honestly, though, I really want to get a perfect score on the final and finish the class with extra points, like I am in my online class. That would be cool. I've worked hard towards that, too.

I was noodling around on my guitar while taking a break from studying for A&P, and I happened to play "Never Part Again". Then, of course, I got homesick! So I called the S's, and D answered. He sounded pretty good at the outset, but I know that talking can be a challenge for him at this point... Sure enough, after a few minutes of back and forth chat, his voice was getting strained and he was clearing his throat several times. Under the pretense of getting back to studying, I ended the conversation sooner than I would have liked, but I don't want to unnecessarily burden him. I'm saddened and frustrated by the realization that he's slipping away, despite everything they've done to stop it.

Another friend of mine is beginning another round of chemo for persistent brain cancer, and her husband organized a "bring the bling" encouragement drive on fb, since they call her The Chemo Princess. Someone gave her a tiara and a wand and such, which she takes with her to every appointment. I didn't have a tiara or a wand to join in the bling encouragement fest, but I scrounged around and came up with what I could find...

Meh. Close enough.

I posted that to her wall with a note of encouragement/gratitude. I hope it brings her a smile :)

Life. Is it fair for me to be happy while so many others are suffering? I guess we all have our own tragedies...

I'm joining SOULS at BJ's house tomorrow night for worship and lentils. I'm gonna take my guitar, I'm not gonna take out my earring, and I'm not gonna take off my engagement ring. I have a Magabook experience to share, believe it or not! And I don't mind bringing in the Sabbath, even if I'm not SDA anymore. Of course, I won't advertise that fact... I still really like Sabbath, and I love bringing in the Sabbath with others who enjoy it.

I'm hoping that there will be little to nothing in the way of pressure/judgment from anyone (especially A), but if there is, I intend to stand my ground and keep my boundaries intact. I am not ashamed of my life, myself, or my man, and I will not let anyone cow me into feeling that way. I am also not ashamed of where I am with God right now, as it is honest. I would rather be authentic than accepted, I think... and if it comes down to that, so be it. But I don't think it will. For all my fears, SOULS kids (and staff) do tend to be gracious, at least to people's faces. It's just the zeal that I'm worried about...

I asked C last night a couple of clarifying questions, because I didn't want to get my hopes up if there weren't any reason for it.

From the financial timeline he laid out, I got the impression that we would be ready to start looking for a house about the time that I get back from visiting the folks for Christmas. (That's about a month from now, for those of you keeping track.)

I asked if that were truly the case, and he said, "Yeah, that sounds about right."

Wait, seriously? We're going to be ready to look for a house when I get back?

"Unless something happens that sets me back, yeah."

WAHOOOOOO!

I excused myself under the blankets for a moment and silently screamed my excitement.

It's going to fly by, because I have several Big Events between now and then, and we all know that helps to speed things up.

Test tonight, then finals next week. Then the HJ Christmas party, followed by my CPR class, the day after which I will fly home.

Then it's two weeks of crafting, cooking, and enjoying my niece and family, during which time Christmas and New Year's will come and go, of course.

Then it's back home, rest for a few days, and school commences almost immediately.

Whew. Talk about a whirlwind adventure!

But still. I'm so excited.

Funny thing-- I decided to try pork, since I'm already apostatized and all, right?

Yeah, well, it doesn't sit too well with me. Bacon, either... though I love bacon so much more...

But really... It pretty much just makes me sick.

Touche, Jesus. Touche.

On another note, the meds are still kicking my butt, just when I thought they weren't...

Went to bed a little early, but I slept restlessly and woke at 5 a.m., unable to sleep again. Stupid gastrointestinal problems. (This was unrelated to my porcine adventures.) So I had some quality time with my colon, and was finally able to sleep again an hour later. (Interesting note-- this new med has a side effect of constipation. I was already struggling with that! So now it's so much worse... Meaning that I have to go the little old lady route and start taking Metamucil or something.)

After I fell asleep, I proceeded to sleep through my alarms, through my class, and through C getting up to get ready for work. I was out, man. You couldn't have pried me out of bed with a jackhammer. Okay, maybe with a jackhammer. But very little else!

I was able to get out and take a mile and a half walk yesterday, despite having some waves of dizziness and nausea, and I hadn't had the overwhelming urge to sleep in the middle of the day, or those crippling yawns, so I thought I was good, yeah?

Ah, today proved me wrong, on so many fronts. Still, it's not as terrible as it was when I first got on this med. It's getting better. And the joint pain seems to be receding, though I'm cautious of proclaiming myself whole too soon.

Anyway, I had some valuable time for introspection and Should battling because, yes, I felt guilty and lazy for missing class and for not being "okay" and for falling down on the job.

Yo, girl-- you've got a lot on your plate right now. No wonder you're stressed! It's okay. And it's okay to not be okay for a while. You're getting there, a little bit at a time. Now chill, okay? You're doing your best.

Damn straight I am!

Anyway, I used the rest of the afternoon pretty productively, I'd say... I went to my doctor and got her to sign off on some papers I need for the massage program, I got two vaccines, a urine drug test, some blood drawn for proof of two other vaccines, and I located the building for my TB test.

After that, I went on to get 102% on my A&P test that covered bone and muscle structures.

So, despite my "shortcomings" of the morning, I did pretty good today. Oh, and I did dishes and made the bed. And I ate. Twice. (Though this last one was a mistake... ate the pork. Bad idea.)

I'm working on the math that I missed this morning, and soon C will be home from work. We're going to discuss vaccines and our future children-- fun, fun!

Also, exciting developments on the home front! According to C's calculations, we should be ready to start looking for a house about the time I come back from vacation! :D

(WooHOO! I got 100% on my math homework!)

I decided to see what a day of doing "nothing" was all about, so today I slept in, did some mindful breathing exercises, took a shower, read a book, made some supper (finally getting back into the swing of eating real food! Well, at least once a day...), and now I'm going to take a walk. (I may or may not have tidied the kitchen, done some dishes, and waged war against roaches. But that doesn't count!) I managed to do all that without having to interact with anyone, or even really leave the bedroom more than necessary.

Mercifully, C and I are on similar pages when it comes to people staying over when we've got our own home. Because Nerd Nights are back-to-back, if someone lives way out in the boondocks and can't get a ride out and back, it's okay if they crash on a couch or something... as long as they're not just... how do I put it? Lazing around all day? Like, if they've got somewhere to go during the day, we're cool. And really? If someone is having an emergency and needs a place to stay, that's fine. But none of this shiftless couch-surfing.

Anyway, just fighting the Shoulds a bit today... have to remind myself that I'm still a good, worthwhile person even if I'm not actively "achieving" anything... and so are the shiftless couch-surfers. Even if they annoy me. :)

Aaaaaaand... I'll be back to studying this evening. It was a nice break, though. I felt as though my brain was about to melt down!

Guess I can't quite make it a full day of "nothing". The drive to be productive is too strong.

I get moody on the weekends. Kinda cranky, kinda irritable, kinda way more introverted than usual...

...and I think a lot of it has to do with "Nerd Night".

It's not the fact that all these people come over and hang out and play games. That's not it at all. In fact, I rather like the idea of having a weekly game night. It's cool.

I just find myself increasingly frustrated by the purposelessness and lack of productivity that characterize the people that end up hanging out over the weekend.

Maybe it's just that I've always disliked weekends. Routine goes down the drain, and you never really know if it's going to be a good day or a bad one... at least, that's how it was growing up. The stability of school/work is gone, and time stretches endless and unstructured before you. Meals may or may not happen. I may or may not be locked in my room. We may or may not go to church. G may or may not be in a crappy mood. Mom may or may not be happy.

The days were just... blah. Empty. Purposeless. Threatening.

And it's different, when you work hard during the week and then on your days off you want to just chill, like C does, or his brother D. But even then, they aren't just constant vegetables, you know? They do stuff, they read things, they learn, they discuss...

S and his friends... when they're over here, they watch stupid, mindless shows/cartoons or play video games. They sit. Or they go to the store for more soda. That's pretty much it.

And I hate, hate, hate coming out the morning after Nerd Night to find my house dirty, some person on the couch, and everyone just... sitting. All day. Dishes in the sink don't matter. The messed up living room doesn't matter (because as long as you're sitting in the mess, it doesn't exist, right?).

It's just so... unproductive. So pointless. I hate having all that in my space.

I just have to remind myself that it's not that much longer... and when we get our house, we won't have people staying over, lingering the whole weekend. Right now, it's S's friends, so I can't say anything... 'cause he lives here too.

But it's these pointless people... Dirtying my house. Eating my food. Disrupting my study time. Taking up my space. Stinking up the house with their smelly feet.

Can you tell I'm annoyed? I get this way.

It threatens my routine. It poisons my vibe. I don't like it.

Get the hell out of my house.

Go be pointless somewhere else.

Note: I talked to C about it when he got home... actually, I apologized in advance for being cranky, and he insisted that I tell him why I would be cranky. He says he understands and it's okay. He also pointed out that, while I'm okay with the idea of Nerd Night, I have a difficult time with the reality of it. He's right. I don't mind it in theory at all, I think it's a cool thing. However, it's the reality that accompanies it-- the loud noises late into the night, the dirtying of the house, the extra people, etc...

We didn't come to any conclusions about it, as in there were no offers made to change anything and I didn't demand any. When we're in our house, C will have a "man cave" where they'll be playing. It'll be a different situation entirely, and I know this... so I can deal with these annoyances now. It's really not worth making a big deal about, especially because it's partially just how S chooses to live his life. I can't be like, "I don't like your life; knock it off!"

Anyway, it just felt good to express my frustrations, to be heard and understood, and for it to be okay that I was annoyed without any negative repercussions.

I did, however, make it a point to ask C last night if they could have Nerd Night somewhere else next week, as it will be the weekend before both of my finals on Monday, and I MUST have that time to study and sleep.

Note within the note: C has begun voluntarily including me in his finances, so I know where his bank accounts are at and how much he can expect to be pulling in the next month or so, how much he'll be paying in bills, and just about when he'll be ready to get the ball rolling. Just a couple more paychecks...! Anyway, it makes me feel good that he's including me in that; it puts me at ease, and I feel trusted. Since he's mostly supporting me now, it probably feels more like we've got the "joint finance" thing going on than before.