Today is the 8th anniversary of The Accident. Back in 2006 I was attending a small Christian boarding academy (high school) about 4 hours away from home. There were several of us kids from Yuma there, so the parents had worked out a carpooling system for the occasions that we came home such as holidays or Home Leaves. This particular event was a home leave, and several of us piled into the Astrovan owned by a good friend of my family, whose son and granddaughter both went to school with me. The other Yuma kid declined to go with us because he had some other plans, but a Korean foreign exchange student that was good friends with the son and on the same Acro team as the son and I joined us for the trip. He was excited, because he wanted to see more of America before he graduated and went home at the end of that school year. He couldn't stay and tour afterwards, because apparently Korea has a law that mandates all young men to do a certain amount of military service once they are done with basic schooling, and I'm also pretty sure that he didn't have that kind of money.

The stretch between Phoenix and Yuma is pretty barren and empty, but there is a town almost exactly halfway between the two, and we stopped there for snacks, bathroom break, gas, and Fred, the dad, put air in the van's tires because he thought they looked a little low. (There are SO many details that I'm omitting, but I don't feel like typing that much, and it would be a small pamphlet at least if I did.) It was not too far underway from that town that the back left tire blew out, and the van swerved then rolled and flipped several times. I was hit in the head with something flying around the interior. (I think it was the old school portable tv, the heavy ones? Or maybe it was some sort of tack because Fred hadn't emptied out the van from the last time he had been at the stables to tend their horses. I don't know; I'll never know.) The blow to the head caused me to lose consciousness and go blind for a period of time I estimate to be about half an hour, 45 minutes maybe? I was very devastated because I thought I couldn't read anymore. (A famous line/joke from the experience is when I was led to Fred after being freed from the van and I told him I was blind. I was crying about how I wouldn't be able to read anymore, and Fred comforted me by saying that he would read to me. My response was to wail, "You don't understand-- I really like to read!!" LOL)

As far as injuries go, I was blind and had a severe concussion, was having an asthma attack, had an internally bleeding mushy spot on my skull from being hit, whiplash, of course, and there was some injury to my ribs as well. Oh, and I cracked a toe. The granddaughter, A, had unbuckled her seatbelt to lean forward and grab something just as the crash happened, so when the glass window from the sliding door popped out she was thrown through the opening during one of the flips or rolls and then the van rolled over top of her. She was Life Flighted out of there (as as I) and ended up in ICU for a week with a lacerated spleen and a fractured pelvis, along with the requisite whiplash and concussion.

The two guys, J and the Korean S, had bad whiplash and S had a bloody nose. I'm not sure if they had any other injuries, but they didn't say so, and they still went to play in the tackle football game a day or two later that they had been planning on. They are both big guys-- tall, solid, lots of muscle, and sturdy-- so they were an important part of our school's team and they didn't want to let the team down by not playing. *smh* Men.

Fred threw off his lap belt when the van began to swerve and leapt into the space between front seats to help control the van, so he was unbuckled and tossed like a salad as we flipped to and fro. He also ended up in ICU for a week, but they didn't fly him out because he looked okay until after A and I flew away. He collapsed and they ambulanced him to the Phoenix hospital as fast as they could, and all I remember now of his injuries is that his spleen exploded into a bunch of pieces. SO not good. He went into emergency surgery, obviously.

When I came to after the crash itself, I was blind (blackness, everything blackness with purple lightning bolts shooting through and across in every direction) and disoriented and sooooo tired and sleepy. I tried to unbuckle my seatbelt for a minute or two but it was too hard and I couldn't do it, so I began to drift off to sleep. Turns out I was the only one in the van because A had been thrown from the vehicle, J and S jumped out as soon as the van stopped, and Fred jumped out to help as well. We landed on our side, with the driver's door on the ground, and the window beside me had broken but the blanket I was using as a pillow while I napped kept the broken glass from reaching my face or neck.

The van was steaming as it was resting and J thought it was smoke, that maybe the van was going to explode and I was still in it. Everything smelled like gas. I used to love the smell of gasoline, now I'm not so fond of it. J came in and kept me awake with talk, which annoyed me to an incredible degree, while he cut me out of my seat belts. What had happened is that Fred's lap belt got tangled up in my shoulder belt while everything was being shaken up, and I couldn't see to undo it and J felt that it would take too long. The van was about to explode, remember?! Because of my weakened state (concussion, asthma attack, shock, etc.) I was unable to lift myself out the hole above me that had been the sliding door's window, so J kicked out the windshield and took me out that way. I jokingly flutter my lashes at him and swooningly croon, "My hero!" when that story is told around him, hehehe.

There are a ton of funny and touching stories that go with all of this, and maybe I'll share a story every day or every other day this week in honor of Life and Second Chances. For right now, I'll sum up by saying that even though there were some scares and lots of camping out in the ICU waiting room, we all survived that harrowing experience with very little in the way of long term damage. It's practically unheard of! We were and are very fortunate, and that is why Fred and I like to Celebrate Life on our Anniversary, though the others (J and A) don't see the point or enjoyment of it and choose not to celebrate it. J feels very guilty because he was driving, but it could have happened to anyone. Really. A lives far away, and S is back in Korea, so… Actually, I think they are both in Korea, come to think of it! A married a military man, so…

Anyway, if nothing else at all I learned the value of every split second. We carry on as though life is assured, and rightly so I think or else we would be paralyzed by the thought of impending mortality, never enjoying a thing or being productive, but it is the realization that life and consciousness can be taken away in the space between two breaths that really gives context to the value and delicacy of life itself. For instance, yesterday was David S's birthday. My adopted dad who died of cancer last year. Yeah. The birthday of a dead man whom I loved dearly, and then the next day a Celebration of Life, another "birthday", if you will" with other people that I love dearly, who are all still here and kickin'. It's just so… puzzling. There doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to it, except the certainty that

Life will end. Yours, mine, your fish, the Pope, and certainly that pretty caterpillar you saw last week… our lives will inevitably cease at some point. Mine could have stopped on October 25th, 2006, but it didn't, and I'm very grateful for that. My essence, the core of who I am, my conscious soul or whatever, that could be snuffed out by any number of things even while I type this blog post. But I'm still here, so I'm gonna enjoy it and try to be a good person and make life as good as I can for those around me who are still going as well. It's as much of a goal as anything else, right?

Happy Anniversary, Life!

I came to a decision this morning.

Sure, it's fast, but I'm a pretty fast decision maker as a generality. I like things to happen now!

Anyway, I may go into this more later (I'm hurtin' right now, and not really in zee blogging mood), but I have decided that I will, in fact, postpone the massage therapy program for a year.

I'm postponing, not quitting. And it's a mature, thought-out decision, not a failure.

I just don't want to make a bunch of progress towards getting my health straightened back out and then go into a big ol' relapse because I pushed it too hard, too soon. I'm trying to look more at the long-term, and I think that this is the best decision I can make for myself right now.

I talked to C this morning about my thoughts last night, and the possible options, and all that stuff. He's behind me no matter what I choose, but the big epiphany for me was realizing that even if I'm "just" a housewife, he's fine with that. I have the freedom to choose what's best for me, and he's okay with whatever I decide. That is very freeing. To know that he will neither think less of me nor resent me for not "pitching in"... that allows me to make a decision based on what is really the best, rather than a decision motivated by the fear of rejection or other emotions.

Also... this means I can go to J's wedding! I would be lying if I didn't say that this was a slight motivating factor in my plans... But now we can combine the "let's go get my cat and the rest of my stuff" trip with J's wedding, so that's perfect. I'm starting to save up already.

I have other things I can focus on to keep me occupied while I really work on getting myself to a healthy place. It reminds me of what I went through in Id with the S's... I kinda dinked around and kept myself occupied with work of various sorts while I put a lot of focused energy into healing emotionally and mentally from the past abuse. Now that I've advanced much further emotionally, it's time to focus on advancing physically.

Honestly, I do feel relieved having come to an actual decision. This question of "but can you do the massage program?" has been brought up to me many times through the past few months by many different people. I brushed them off as party poopers, determined to charge headfirst into the challenge and prove myself a Mighty Fibromyalgia Warrior. However... I'm thinking at this point that maybe discretion is the better part of valor. I'm still a Warrior... but taking a different tack.

The best part? I feel good about this decision. I believe I'm doing the right thing, and I feel peaceful and settled. I can see that my reasons are good ones, and that I am doing this for good reasons, so I am not afraid. (Much.) Also? It's my life, and it doesn't matter if anyone else agrees or disagrees, frankly. As long as I (and C, since he has a stake in this now) am okay with it and believe I'm on the right path, well... that's what really matters.

Well, life's gone and taken a turn for the better again. I love how it does that. I think the meds have something to do with it...

My goal with these painkillers is not to be pain-free, but rather to keep the pain at a level 4.5 or below so that I can function. I have to keep reminding myself of that, because it's so easy to slip into "let's take another" mode. I can't afford to do that, though, because I really really really don't want to become tolerant to the only thing that helps me out at all.

I've been eating quesadillas pretty frequently lately... ("Pretty frequently" being relative to how many quesadillas I've had in recent years, which is a big fat none!) I think it's 'cause my body is craving protein, but it just can't digest it. Beans, nuts, meat... nothing. It just sits there. Blech. But even though cheese does slow down my digestive processes some, it actually digests, so I figure it can't be all that bad for me right now. Quesadillas and applesauce-- one of my favorite meals right now. (Uh, the applesauce doesn't go on the quesadilla, just in case you're wondering...) I have an appointment with my gastroenterologist next week, so we can discuss my results. I'll have to tell him that, even though my colon is looking great (and I'm SO excited about that!), I'm still having the same problems. We'll see what he says.

I'm being good and sticking to my "one thing a day" rule, and I am noticing no difference at all. lol. Even though I don't feel like I'm getting better, I do see that it's helping me to stabilize. When I'm more conscious and aware of picking and choosing what I get to do, I don't get (as) caught up in the whirlwind of things I want to accomplish and totally burn myself out. I can feel myself wearing down and catch it. I took a nap the past two days (back to that again), and it felt great, especially since I've been really having sleep problems lately.

Did I mention that I'm a tutor now? A friend of mine from school will be coming over a couple of times a week and I'm helping her with her online English course. Funnily enough, it's the English course that I dropped last semester because I had too much on my plate! So I guess I get to take it again ^_^ She paid me a small sum for the first session, and she's coming back tomorrow. I don't care if she pays me, although it's a nice addition to the gas tank if she does. The last session was very tiring, but that could also be because I'd been talking to R for an hour and a half before she showed up.

It was really good to talk to R. I miss him. He gives some of the best advice... but it's not in the form of "here, let me tell you what to do". It's more like talking through the issues and sharing anecdotes from his past and the lessons that he's learned, and also, his concern and care are practically palpable. I talked to him about my marriage fears, and the ideas and examples that he shared with me really helped to ease my mind and heart a lot. I really feel like I can go through with this wedding without feeling like a hypocrite now. (Because I wasn't sure that it was fair of me to get married while still so terrified of the notion, you know? Like, does it even count?) And no, it's not that I'm fearful of marrying C, it's that I'm fearful of what marriage will do to our wonderful relationship, fearful that it will change it for the worse and turn us into one of those couples that doesn't even like each other and doesn't want to be together but won't separate because they don't believe in it... just living separate lives, or fighting and undermining each other...

But I digress. R explained how marriage does change things, and it takes work, and there are ups and downs and you don't always feel happy and necessarily want to be around that person... but the thing is that you chose them, and you love them, and you really do want to be around that person, forever. It's like the long-term, big-picture things weigh in above the short-term, immediate circumstance things and you hang in there through the rough times because you love that person and you want to make a life together. That's what I got out of it, anyway... that even when it's rough, it's still enough to know that you want to be with that person and you love them. And really, I understand that, because C and I have had quite a good share of "rough" already, what with the rocky beginning and my PTSD flares and all the adjustment that comes with living together, and now my fibro and other health problems... We can do rough. Even if I'm crying every night, which I've done during certain stretches. But see, the thing is... it's never about not wanting to be with C. It's about what's going on around or inside me, it's about money or my past or my fears or what someone said or how I feel about a certain thing C is doing or has done... but it's never about un-choosing him. So I think I get it, a little. Maybe not entirely, but I get it, some.

R and I also talked about what's going on with that whole DV thing that went down a while ago. It's cool to see that he fully admits that he made mistakes that night, and that he went overboard, but I do agree with him when he says that he's not domestically violent. I overreacted to the situation too, and hurt him very much, which I regret. None of us can take back what happened, but he's really getting the crappy end of the stick. His retirement is in danger, all this crazy stuff is going on... but he is determined to "take his lumps", as he put it, and just slog through this mess the best he can. I'm proud of him. I'm also really proud of him for the steps forward he's taking in managing his anger. He actually consciously processed through why he was angry the other day, and made the decision to let it go because he didn't want to ruin the day/evening for everyone else. That is so mature. I've never heard him do anything like that before, and I'm really impressed. Not to say that it's going to happen every time, of course, because really? Let's be real. One step forward, two steps back. That's how this stuff goes down, and R is a human being who is learning and growing. But he is stepping forward, and what's more, he wants to be stepping forward. If that isn't worthy of respect, I don't know what is. I'm so proud of my daddy :)

Today was a great day, in and of itself. C and I hit the shooting range mid-afternoon, because pistol qualifications are coming up and he needs to practice. We'll be heading out there next week, too. I took my homework and did some reading in between picking up his empty shells to be refilled. We would have stayed longer, but C ran out of ammo, so there really wasn't much we could do but pack up and leave. When we got home, we decided to watch some Star Wars, as I'm currently watching my way through the series. Since we need to do our own music after all, we have now settled on the Imperial March as our exit song :) Seriously, if our marriage has half of the tenacity and determination of Vader and the Imperial forces, nothing can stop us. I see it as a good omen.

While getting ice cream, we (mostly I, as C was occupied with choosing his ice cream flavors and paying for our treats) met a young couple our age who share some of our unique interests and hobbies! It's funny how it all worked out, but it started when the guy, J, commented that he liked my choker. (I was wearing the collar that I recently purchased.) That led to a discussion about Renaissance festivals, and it turns out that they're Rennies, too! They're heading up to the Ren Faire soon that C and I will be visiting the week before our wedding. As the convo progressed, we found out that we were similar ages, newlyweds both (C and I are due in 6 weeks, and they've been married 4 months), and--get this-- he's a gamer like C. He plays the same games, but his wife, C, is like me and mostly watches.

I gave the card of the leatherworker who made my collar to J (yes, another J to add to my blog! lol) and ended up writing my email and fb info on the back so we can get together and hang out. They're pretty new to the area and looking for friends, and I'm looking to expand my social circle as well. We really hit it off in the short time that we talked, and I'm looking forward to hearing from them. J said several times (and his C affirmed it) that "we'll definitely hit you guys up soon!" I'm excited :D

What's crazy about the whole thing is all the little bits and pieces that had to come together just so in order for us to meet this couple. First of all, I'm surprised that I had the leatherworker's card in the first place. I usually don't get or keep business cards. Secondly, I was only wearing the collar because I was wearing a particular dress that I like to wear the collar with (though I only put it on to go out, and wasn't wearing it around the house today), but I was only wearing the dress because of a comment C made last night that led to my wearing it today. If I hadn't been wearing the dress that led to the collar, or the collar that I debated about putting on before we left the house, the conversation never would have begun in the first place.

Okay, so then there's timing. We were going to go to Target right after we finished our movie (and there's the whole thing about what if we'd stayed at the range longer, what if we hadn't watched the whole movie, what if this, what if that, etc.), but we got a bit... distracted... by each other and didn't leave for a little while longer. So then the shopping and browsing all took place, but if I'd spend less or more time at any of those stores, we would have missed them. If the frozen yogurt place had been open, we wouldn't have gone to Coldstone, and we missed the closing time by just 7 minutes.

It's really crazy how all those little things worked together so that we would be standing next to each other in line and I would be wearing a conversation piece that appealed to all involved. Crazy, I tell you. Even if nothing ever comes of this, if no friendship ensues, the event itself was so cool that it just makes me happy to think about it. Plus it was really fun, 'cause they're great people! We had a blast chatting it up. I really do hope that we can become friends. (Plus I feel super adult, making friends with another couple, you know?)

I wrapped up my day by drinking mint tea to soothe my roiling tummy and filing my taxes. Not a bad ending to a good day, especially since I'm getting a decent sized refund. It's enough to pay off the bulk of my credit card debt, and I'm very, very pleased about that. I hate being in debt, even if it's totally legitimate debt.

I think I might be able to take another whack at my homework before turning in for the night. Think I'll go read my chapter on the bed while I listen to C hack apart monsters in Guild Wars. That sounds pleasant :)

Yeah, so after some runaround, I finally found out that the pharmacy had been faxing my pain med refill request to the wrong number. I got that straightened out, and proceeded to wait... and wait... and wait... all the while writhing. I could go on and describe how it all felt, but I'll save that for later. ;) (I'm fading fast.)

Anyway, after hounding both the doctor's office and the pharmacy equally all day, I finally got The Precious... after both classes. Boo. I had been hoping to dope myself up before that.

Yoga was good, as always. I had a "release" right in the middle of class, and had to leave to go sob. It wasn't one of those draining cries, though; it was very healing and relieving. I think that doing yoga and working my body in such a holistic way made it possible for me to relieve some of the grief and emotions that I'd been holding back from the trip to see D and from all the wedding guest disappointment. (Yeah, see that J? I spelled it right! ^_^)

I ran a bunch of errands in the gap between classes, and by the time class began I was so ready to go home and dive into a hot tub. I wish we had a hot tub... but I digress. I managed to stay the whole two hours, but I can safely say that those were the longest two hours I can recall in recent history. They felt at least 3 hours long each, minimum. I was in so much pain and discomfort, and my brain was soooo foggy, it's a wonder I was able to absorb anything at all!

But if this overwhelming pain and sickness is teaching me one thing it's that I'm tough as nails, baby! I may be whimpering to myself, but I'm still here, and I'm still doing what I gotta do.

Anyway, I finally got my meds, although it took a lot of self-control to keep from overdosing! I came home and jumped in a hot bath with a cup of hot herbal tea, because I've had chills all day and can't seem to get warm. Now I've got the house's heater running, I'm buried beneath my comforter and sheets, and I've got a lavender-rice heat wrap under my knees... and I'm starting to drift off a little. The pain is finally dulling, moving from sheer unmitigated misery to tolerable discomfort and mild torment, and I think I can get some sleep before C comes home. A rest, at least.

I'll chronicle my adventures as a Warrior later. For now? I'm enjoying my hard-earned reprieve from agony.

I had my first class today.

Welcome, new semester!

More specifically, I had my first yoga class today.

I was dubious about my ability to really participate today, as last night was a rough night. I went to bed a few hours earlier than normal (or what's become my normal, heh), but I didn't end up falling asleep until just after my normal bedtime due to pain. I finally broke down and took the one painkiller mom gave me from her stash the hospital gave her, but I didn't feel that it did anything... except maybe knock me out for a while? After 3 hours I was awake again, needing to eat and still in pain. I took care of that and was able to fall back asleep, but by the time I had to crawl out of bed to get to class on time I was still sooooo tired! And in pain. All over.

So, as you see, I was dubious. To say the least.

However, the teacher advocates an interesting philosophy, one that had me going, "Aha! I knew I was meant to be here!" It was like a message from God/the universe/my dead auntie/whatever. (I don't think I actually have a dead auntie, come to think of it...)

She emphasized "honoring your practice". What does that mean? Well, she explained during various parts of the session that every day is different-- our balance will be different, our energy levels, our mental state, etc. We need to acknowledge where we are that day, accept it, and work within those limits. Can I hold a position a certain day but not another? That's okay. I need to listen to my body and honor what it is saying to me, to find the balance that is right for me, no matter what anyone else in the class is doing. If the teacher takes us from a forward fold to a floor sit but I feel that I need to hold the fold for a few more seconds, then I need to hold the fold for a few more seconds. If we're sitting in a certain pose but my body is saying "No way!", then I need to adjust and find a way to honor my practice.

It is precisely that type of theory that I am trying to put into practice in my every day life. For me, every day is different in so many aspects-- pain levels, energy levels, nausea levels, emotional state, things to accomplish... Every day has its own balance. I need to honor my practice and find the balance within each and every day, within every moment. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or saying. I need to find my balance and honor what I am telling myself. I need to trust myself.

This dovetails perfectly with what I was learning in my last round of counseling about unreasonable expectations and being kind to myself.

I'm really glad that I chose to take this class. Did it hurt? Heck yes! I tried not to push myself too hard, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that I was able to keep up. My physical sense of balance is better than I thought it was, which was gratifying.

I am looking forward to continuing to learn and apply this practice of honoring my practice, both in and out of class.

(One problem, though... despite the pain, I'm so relaxed after class that it's hard to function! lol A good problem to have, I suppose...)

There is such a scene of domestic tranquility in the living room right now. The lights are off, save for the dim glow of the Christmas tree. K is curled up in a recliner, looking for all the world like a lumpy pile of blankets. R is tipped sideways on the couch but still mostly sitting, and Mom is on her side with her head on the couch's arm. Baby Peanut is sprawled on her back, nestled safely in Mom's arms. All are sleeping soundly, guarded by the two dogs who keep watch from the floor and love seat. So sweet.

Today didn't go exactly according to plan... I had such grandiose ideas of what I would accomplish today, buuuuuut...

I didn't go to sleep until well after two, from crying over D. Mom saw my swollen, tear-streaked face when I emerged to pick up a pair of socks I'd left drying over a chair, and followed me into my temporary room to talk about it. She did say that, if D were not able to make it down to the wedding she would talk seriously to R about funding a short trip for me to go back up there and make sure that I was able to say my goodbyes. I was very, very glad to hear that.

I did sleep rather well last night, considering. I only woke up once or twice. Then I pried myself out of bed (much earlier than I would have liked! lol) to take Mom to work. She showed me around and showed me off. It's a really nice salon that she works at, and she scored me a free haircut for Thursday! I had intended to review my A+P flashcards when I got back home, as well as clean the bathroom today, but... I went back to bed. I was so tired. I did wake up a few times, because my bladder was full or because I heard Peanut crying (or both), but I finally crawled out of bed again at one o'clock. Oops.

K had been dealing with Peanut all day, so I took her off her hands for an hour and fed her, burped her, changed her, played with her, and put her to sleep. Then we bundled ourselves up and headed off to pick Mom up from work. When we came back, I took care of Peanut some more while mentally compiling my meal/shopping list for the week.

Shopping with Mom always takes a long time, and with having to read the ingredients of everything we're considering buying... and taking care of Peanut at the same time... it took us about 4 hours to finish grocery shopping. I was so ready to leave the store! We did have fun, though. I took my walker with me, on Mom's advice. She knew it would be quite the trek. After a while, I sat on the seat of my walker with Peanut in my lap, wrapped my feet around the base of the shopping cart and held on with one hand while Mom pushed the cart from behind the walker. It worked perfectly, though we must have been quite the sight... I did get 5 congratulations on my beautiful baby, though. :D We finished the shopping session with Mom pushing the cart and me pushing my walker with Peanut sleeping in her carrier that was wedged onto the walker's seat.

After consulting with my allergy chart again recently, I've decided to try yogurt and a couple of cheeses. With that in mind, I had greek yogurt with pomegranates as part of my supper tonight, and it was so good. I'm not feeling any ill effects, either. I figure it's cheaper and more delicious than probiotics, if I can actually include it in my diet long-term...

I also registered for a Spanish class tonight, as I was informed today that the massage program scheduled for this spring was cancelled. Too many people backed out and/or flunked the pre-reqs they needed, so the rest of us are out of luck. I'll have to wait until August for that particular program. I figure there's no sense in wasting my time, though. I'm still able to take one of the necessary massage courses this semester, and I want to learn at least basic Spanish, so that I'm not limited in my client base. I really wanted to take ASL as well, but because it took so long for this massage thing to play out all the classes are over-full. Bummer. I could get on the wait-list, but I'd rather not leave it up to chance. I'm going to choose another class that interests me and is applicable to my future, but not something too hard. I'm thinking maybe Intro to Aromatherapy, or possibly Exploring Native American Medicine. I tried to find the yoga class that I saw, but the website is saying that it can't find the class. Boo. There's also Overview of Herbal Remedies, which looks good, but I'd rather get into something that I don't know anything about yet. The problem (problem?) is that I love to learn, and there are so many classes that I'd like to take! Since I'm just looking to burn time between now and the program starting, in a sense, I'd like to do something useful with that burnt time... which is why I enrolled in Spanish. Conversational Spanish, that is. It's more important to me to be able to speak it right now than read and write it. I figure that will kind of come with the spoken aspect.

So, tomorrow... tomorrow Mom and I will do some cleaning, finish decorating the tree, and wrap up presents. We're also having acorn squash for lunch. Yum yum :)

Well, after much hard work and preparation.... I missed two questions on my A&P final. It's okay. They were questions that weren't on previous tests, so I would have had to have been studying ALL my notes from the semester to have caught them, since I didn't remember off the top of my head. 98% is not bad, and I finished the class with 801/800 points. Yay! My goal for that class was to finish with extra points, so... Mission Accomplished!

My math final is tomorrow, and I'm a little nervous... because I spent so much time studying for this other class, I have neglected to study math. That's what today is for. But it's not like I have to memorize definitions or anything... it's just working out problems, and I've already done the prep worksheet. I'm just going to go back over the worksheet and see how I worked out the problems.

I picked up my walker yesterday. The lady I bought it from was very sweet, but she said, "You look a little young to be needing a walker..." LOL! Yes, well...

I'm itching to get to work on blinging it out, but I know that I need to focus on studying first. Priorities, priorities... Once my math final is over, I can work on my walker and start packing for my trip home. I'm so excited!!

Anyway, I've settled on a name for the walker-- the Bling Chariot. It's gonna be freakin' sweet.

I had a dream about zombies last night.

Strange, I know.

Anyway, today's the day of my first final! I've been studying hard, and I feel confident. I have one more final to do (math), and a project to turn in for my online class, and then I'm freeeeeeeeeeee! Wednesday is the last day of school stuff for meeeeeee! (Except for ordering books and applying for scholarships and preparing for next semester. lol)

Today, I go to pick up my walker.

I'm still not sure how I feel about this. I told C last night that I'm excited, because I feel like the only other option is to be devastated. Sooo.... excitement, it is! Here's the craigslist photo:

My plan is to pimp my ride over the next few days, and I sure wish I had a camera... Oh, wait! My computer has a camera. Silly me. :) Yeah, so I'm going to pick up nail polish from the dollar store and paint flames on the legs and maybe wrap the foam bar in brightly colored duct tape. I might possibly make use of adhesive gems, as well, or some sparkly stickers.

But I need a name for my new hot rod... I'll have to think on it.

I wonder if people will treat me differently on days when I'm using a walker?

Well, the Christmas tree is up and littered with ornaments now. I mean, it's been up for a while, and lit with lights, but I finally got some ornaments and hung them up today. By "got", I mean "borrowed from D". Heh.

I finished everything but one assignment for my online class (an assignment that's worth more than the final, I might add!), and my math final got moved to Wednesday, so things are a bit less hectic for me than I thought they would be. *Whew!* So now I can focus especially on studying for my A&P class, which (thanks to my previous study and my sharp mind) I now have extra points in. Is there a grade for that beyond A+? Anyway, I worked the numbers and figured out that I can miss 69 of 200 questions on the final without sliding down to a B. Any more than that, though, and I lose my A. Though it is doubtful that this will happen, except in the event of a spontaneous lobotomy, it's nice to know that I've got such a big cushion. Honestly, though, I really want to get a perfect score on the final and finish the class with extra points, like I am in my online class. That would be cool. I've worked hard towards that, too.

I was noodling around on my guitar while taking a break from studying for A&P, and I happened to play "Never Part Again". Then, of course, I got homesick! So I called the S's, and D answered. He sounded pretty good at the outset, but I know that talking can be a challenge for him at this point... Sure enough, after a few minutes of back and forth chat, his voice was getting strained and he was clearing his throat several times. Under the pretense of getting back to studying, I ended the conversation sooner than I would have liked, but I don't want to unnecessarily burden him. I'm saddened and frustrated by the realization that he's slipping away, despite everything they've done to stop it.

Another friend of mine is beginning another round of chemo for persistent brain cancer, and her husband organized a "bring the bling" encouragement drive on fb, since they call her The Chemo Princess. Someone gave her a tiara and a wand and such, which she takes with her to every appointment. I didn't have a tiara or a wand to join in the bling encouragement fest, but I scrounged around and came up with what I could find...

Meh. Close enough.

I posted that to her wall with a note of encouragement/gratitude. I hope it brings her a smile :)

Life. Is it fair for me to be happy while so many others are suffering? I guess we all have our own tragedies...

I'm joining SOULS at BJ's house tomorrow night for worship and lentils. I'm gonna take my guitar, I'm not gonna take out my earring, and I'm not gonna take off my engagement ring. I have a Magabook experience to share, believe it or not! And I don't mind bringing in the Sabbath, even if I'm not SDA anymore. Of course, I won't advertise that fact... I still really like Sabbath, and I love bringing in the Sabbath with others who enjoy it.

I'm hoping that there will be little to nothing in the way of pressure/judgment from anyone (especially A), but if there is, I intend to stand my ground and keep my boundaries intact. I am not ashamed of my life, myself, or my man, and I will not let anyone cow me into feeling that way. I am also not ashamed of where I am with God right now, as it is honest. I would rather be authentic than accepted, I think... and if it comes down to that, so be it. But I don't think it will. For all my fears, SOULS kids (and staff) do tend to be gracious, at least to people's faces. It's just the zeal that I'm worried about...

Funny thing-- I decided to try pork, since I'm already apostatized and all, right?

Yeah, well, it doesn't sit too well with me. Bacon, either... though I love bacon so much more...

But really... It pretty much just makes me sick.

Touche, Jesus. Touche.

On another note, the meds are still kicking my butt, just when I thought they weren't...

Went to bed a little early, but I slept restlessly and woke at 5 a.m., unable to sleep again. Stupid gastrointestinal problems. (This was unrelated to my porcine adventures.) So I had some quality time with my colon, and was finally able to sleep again an hour later. (Interesting note-- this new med has a side effect of constipation. I was already struggling with that! So now it's so much worse... Meaning that I have to go the little old lady route and start taking Metamucil or something.)

After I fell asleep, I proceeded to sleep through my alarms, through my class, and through C getting up to get ready for work. I was out, man. You couldn't have pried me out of bed with a jackhammer. Okay, maybe with a jackhammer. But very little else!

I was able to get out and take a mile and a half walk yesterday, despite having some waves of dizziness and nausea, and I hadn't had the overwhelming urge to sleep in the middle of the day, or those crippling yawns, so I thought I was good, yeah?

Ah, today proved me wrong, on so many fronts. Still, it's not as terrible as it was when I first got on this med. It's getting better. And the joint pain seems to be receding, though I'm cautious of proclaiming myself whole too soon.

Anyway, I had some valuable time for introspection and Should battling because, yes, I felt guilty and lazy for missing class and for not being "okay" and for falling down on the job.

Yo, girl-- you've got a lot on your plate right now. No wonder you're stressed! It's okay. And it's okay to not be okay for a while. You're getting there, a little bit at a time. Now chill, okay? You're doing your best.

Damn straight I am!

Anyway, I used the rest of the afternoon pretty productively, I'd say... I went to my doctor and got her to sign off on some papers I need for the massage program, I got two vaccines, a urine drug test, some blood drawn for proof of two other vaccines, and I located the building for my TB test.

After that, I went on to get 102% on my A&P test that covered bone and muscle structures.

So, despite my "shortcomings" of the morning, I did pretty good today. Oh, and I did dishes and made the bed. And I ate. Twice. (Though this last one was a mistake... ate the pork. Bad idea.)

I'm working on the math that I missed this morning, and soon C will be home from work. We're going to discuss vaccines and our future children-- fun, fun!

Also, exciting developments on the home front! According to C's calculations, we should be ready to start looking for a house about the time I come back from vacation! :D

(WooHOO! I got 100% on my math homework!)

The cute and sweet: C and I went grocery shopping last night. He came home and I mentioned that I needed to go buy water, but that I was tired and hurting and didn't want to... so he put on his jeans and made me go with him. And, because I was super fatigued and it hurt to walk, he suggested that I ride on the front of the cart while he pushed me. So I did.

While browsing the meat section, C automatically began checking the ingredients on the various products he was interested in, putting each one back when he came to some ingredient I couldn't eat. He knows my allergies just about as well as I do, and he automatically checks for them. Isn't that sweet?

Also, he won't kiss me for at least half an hour after he's eaten something I'm allergic to, and usually after washing it all down with some sort of drink that's safe.

Since we made the agreement that he would help support me until I'm out of school, he has given me money every Sunday without my ever saying anything. And he pays for whatever groceries I pick out while I'm with him.

While pulling out of the store parking lot last night, I told him, "I really appreciate your taking care of me."

"I don't mind."

"I know you don't, and it really impresses me. I mean, if you're taking care of me like this when I'm 'just your fiance' and you're not even legally responsible for me or anything, I know that I can trust you in the future, no matter what happens. I feel totally safe."

"Well, good."

"Yeah. It shows your character. You're a good guy."

And I know that, whatever kind of little family we end up with, I can trust him to take care of us and provide for us or die trying. I also know that he won't leave me because we fall on difficult times. Very, very comforting.

Now for the ridiculous: part of all this joint stuff that turned out to be fibro is that, at times, it can hurt to be touched a lot. And I'm super fatigued and don't have much energy to exert right now.

I'm going into a massage therapy training program where we'll be working on each other for literally hours a day.

Ahh, what curve balls life throws at me... I mean, who would have thought that the year I finally decide I'm going for my massage license I come down with something like this?!

Oh, well. At least it makes for a good, inspiring story :) Because I am going to complete this course and get my license. Even if it kills me. Which it very well may.

Today was kind of a tough day there for a while. My counselor has me being very aware of my self-talk, and keeping an eye on my cycle of depression, so I'll be using this here little place to keep track of that, if I can think of it.

Anyway, I had fully intended to use today to whip out my homework and to get that website done, and I wanted to get it done right off the bat, right?

Well, ended up staying up late with my darling last night, which was nice and all, but... eight hours of sleep later, I woke up later than I had wanted. Okay, no big deal. I headed over and took care of the dogs, then came back home to achieve my goals for the day. (After all, I had done my housework yesterday, so there should be nothing stopping me, right?)

Except roomie S and his friend (my friend too, now I guess... friend-by-proxy) A were here, and A wanted me to braid her hair. After a quick lunch, I did, but it ate up a lot of time. By the time I finished with her and they left for the college, it was already mid-afternoon. At this point, I had to go back to the dogs again, but I took my homework with me. I got one subject done before the guy across the street's really annoying sub-bass booming music gave me a pounding headache (like that stuff always does), and there was no way I could concentrate on algebra. In the process of putting all the critters in their proper places so I could leave, the cat ripped a hole in my tie-dye shirt, and that seriously blackened my mood. (The shirt I made during my hippie birthday. And it's right in the middle, so there's no hiding it.)

On the drive home, I was seriously in a funk. Anxious. Irritable. Stressing. Upset.

Fortunately, my Voice of Reason chose that time to begin talking quietly and compassionately to me.

What are you so upset over? Yes, yes, I understand the shirt. But you were upset before that. Do you realize that you are freaking out over self-imposed deadlines? Neither of those things are due today, you know. You had this rigid idea of what your day should look like, and then when something else showed up, you freaked out. Why so rigid? That's not healthy, dear. Go with the flow. Roll with it. It's okay. Things happen. It's life. This is going to happen again. Learn from this.

Yeah, okay. You're right, Reason. But I still feel out of sorts and stressed. What do I do?

Okay, here's what. Go home, make a cup of tea, and do that mindful breathing exercise that your counselor recommended. Then you'll be calm and collected, and you can take care of your homework from a clear mind.

Yeah... okay. Tea. Breathing. Got it.

And that breathing exercise was great. I think it will help me to not be so judgmental of myself... more mindful. More present. Calmer.

I hope.

Anyway, I'm still in a funny place, physically, because my stomach is flipping out. Per usual. But, hey, whatevs.

I feel better, emotionally.

Oh, and did I mention that my sis is going into labor?!

So in Intro to Essential Sciences (which I've affectionately nicknamed A&P, even though it's technically not), we're covering the central nervous system. If you know anything at all about me, you'll know that I'm in hog heaven!

It's amazing how the different parts of the brain connect and correlate and affect different aspects of bodily function. It truly is. When we were going over the basic building blocks of the body, I marveled at the intricacy found in function, and during the section on pain I was astounded by the efficiency and grace of our body's reigning systems. Fabulous. That's what we are. Every single one of us. Just by virtue of the way our cells work.

So anyway, I developed this hypothesis/theory during class last night. There are three major divisions of the brain; the cerebrum, which is the largest and what you typically think of when you hear the word "brain", the cerebellum, which is the second-largest and looks kind of like a low-hanging addition off the back, and the brain stem, considered to be the "ancient brain" and is in control of the centers for vital survival functions and reflexes.

The brain stem houses a few interesting little segments, such as the thalamus, the hypothalamus, and the pineal body. The hypothalamus is what I'm most concerned with at this point. This part of the brain does stuff like regulate blood pressure, peristalsis (you know, the muscle contractions that move your food all the way from your esophagus to your anal sphincter, the thing that I have so much trouble with!), appetite/satiety, pleasure, temperature, etc. In addition to all that, the hypothalamus is also the "crossover" to the endocrine system, meaning that it is in direct communication with the pituitary gland. The pituitary gland, in turn, controls the adrenals, the thyroid, the ovaries, the testes, etc.

So! Here's my theory. I've been wondering about onset, and I've been wondering about the difficulties that I have that I'm not sure can be ascribed to simple hypothyroidism or food allergies, etc. I've especially been wondering about onset, and why I got so sick so fast for no apparent reason. What if, in the accident of 2006 (see photo at the bottom of the post), when I got my head banged around so much and got that concussion (which always damages the brain, even if it's slight), I somehow damaged my brain stem/hypothalamus and that in turn caused my pituitary gland/endocrine system to go haywire, inducing hypothyroidism and adrenal insufficiency, in turn causing my body to attack itself (because, as an abuse survivor I'm already predisposed to autoimmune diseases) and thus making me very sick a year, year and a half later?

Seriously. I think it makes sense. Brain damage may also help to explain my vision and balance problems.

I know it sounds a little extreme... brain damage. Hah. I sound like a hypochondriac.

But, really, I think it's a viable hypothesis. The way to tell would be to get thee to a neurologist, I think... but I don't have the money for that at this point! When I find a good doctor, though, I'll be sure to bring this up.

Anything for an answer, right? :)

Here's a couple of pics of the accident. You be the judge. I mean, after all... it did cause me to go blind for a while.

 

Mom, picking our belongings out of the van a week or so later... 

 

BJ, helping to collect our belongings

 

The back of my head, where it was the worst-- the morning after (it was all squooshy and stuff, like a pocket of warm jello. Pretty cool)

 A few days into the hospital rigamarole, my head and neck started swelling. Probably not good.

  

Swollen head! Can you tell?

So anyway, we'll be celebrating our "anniversary" next month. I just wonder if I escaped as unscathed as I had previously thought?

I wish I never had these "crashing" times. My body takes it so hard... my digestive system, in particular. It's like everything I eat trips some sort of internal trigger that causes discomfort and pain. Mer.

On the bright side (if you can call it that), I've decided to drop English class. I'll lose about $600 on my Pell grant money, but that's okay. For me, it's worth the cost (especially in the grand scheme of $2700 dollars awarded). I *may* even get refunded for the class. I just finally realized that what I'm trying to do with my schedule is not sustainable for me. Yes, it took a complete collapse to realize it, but once it got through my thick skull, I also realized that things aren't going to be slowing down any. Schoolwork will be getting more difficult, more involved, and more frequent, not to mention the fact that I'll soon be working 20+ hours a week... I'm not KW. I can't pull this off, as much as my pride depends on it.

Yes, I'd like to be superwoman. But I have to know my limitations if I want to live at least a somewhat decent life. My body operates differently than those of others... and no matter how much I hate, despise, detest, and deplore my body and its limitations, I must acknowledge them. To neglect those boundaries, well... is to end up in bed on a Tuesday and never make it back out.

I realized today, too, that my depression is very closely linked to my health and energy status. I was doing alright, flying by *relatively* depression free, but when that knockout came, it was like someone flipped a light switch. I've been weepy and irritable and despondent and despairing and tired the last twenty four hours.

Deciding to drop English has given me an unexpected boost, however. I feel like my load has been lightened. Life feels doable again, now that I know I won't be walking the same taut tightrope of work and homework and studying and no time for anything but school stuff (literally) and no time for myself because that's not important because I have this essay to study for and this test coming up and this math homework to do and I have to make lunches for this week but I could also be studying while I do that and sorry I've become such a distant b****, but I'm really just focused on what I'm doing here...

That decision, combined with my 100% on my A&P test, put me in a really... light and splurgy type of mood. I went out and spent thirteen bucks on sushi (which was phenomenal) because I was hungry and I wanted it. I thought about watching a movie, but ended up in the bath with a book because my abdominal cavity is hurting so badly after eating. I didn't eat anything bad, but my body doesn't know that. (How much you want to bet that I'm allergic to my own digestive juices? Hmmm? That's probably what all this fuss is about...)

Tomorrow, I'll fill out the drop form and be ten zillion pounds lighter. Not stretched taut and thumpingly tight like a drum skin.

Well, guess who made themselves sick with stress?

C's in "I told you so" mode, but I'm insisting that it's not like I worried myself ill. I just plugged along and did what I had to do and it ended up being too much, I guess.

I know part of my grades are dependent upon attendance, but I shot my professors an email explaining that I was ill, but that I would be doing the work at home. I told them I have health problems that can, at times, be more or less debilitating, and that this is one of those times. I called E, and she won't let me work group tonight. I just wanted her to know I wasn't feeling well, in case I took a turn for the worse and wasn't able to come tonight, but she would hear none of it. It's weird how she can take care of others, yet have such a struggle taking care of herself.

So I've been laying in bed, moaning and tossing, feeling like I'm about to throw up... but feeling a little better, now.

I need to type up an essay for English class, and later I may resurrect myself to do dishes. Also, I need to review for tomorrow night's A&P test.

Even on a sick day, there's still stuff to do. Thank goodness I finished my math homework early this morning!

You know when your brain just hits that "wall" and refuses to learn anything else?

I don't think I've hit it yet, but it's tempting to think so. Today was so busy, tomorrow will be, and... well, the rest of this week. I haven't thought beyond this week. I just know that I'm already weary. It was hard, forcing myself to take a walk, but I did, much to my personal satisfaction. Stretching afterward felt sooooo good! It's become a nightly relaxation habit for me, something to help me drift to sleep easier.

I've got a mildly large A&P test in two days, and tomorrow I type up my first essay for English. We had two chapters to read over the weekend, one of them in the textbook that I hate, so that was hard. On the bright side, Algebra has been easy so far, and I've got my controversial topic for my argument essay-- "Sexual offenders should be eligible for the death penalty".

Ah, school. I'm glad for all the knowledge, and I love learning, but...

I've got people pouring knowledge into me left and right, and I don't feel like I can contain it all, much less do all that's required to obtain this knowledge.

Yes. I'm mildly overwhelmed, but I recognize it and am taking the steps to prevent it from becoming a meltdown.

Gooooood night!

(My family and some friends are just half a state above me, hiking the Grand Canyon. I wish I were there, instead of studying Rogerian vs. Aristotelian argument styles and the Golgi apparatus.)

I was going to blog last night, but I sliced my finger open, so it wasn't the best idea. It's bandaged up, now, and doesn't hurt so much anymore after a night's rest. C came to my rescue when I shrieked from the kitchen, bearing Bandaids and Neosporin to make it all better. He even wiped off the blood that had unknowingly splattered across my neck.

School is tough, y'all. This whole studying for so many different classes and doing homework is more time consuming that I had previously thought it would be. It's like every professor thinks that they're the only one that gives us anything to do. I know, I know. They want us to learn this stuff. And I will.

Maybe it's just that I haven't been in school in so long... it's hard to get back in the swing of things. I've got school full time, the HJ half time, and planning a wedding. Not to mention that I still like to read and blog... but where do they fit in? Classwork first.

My A&P prof has made it MUCH easier on us, though. He gave us all the slideshows for his lectures, so we can go over those instead of writing fresh notes every time. Some ladies in my class have taken to printing the week's lectures in advance and writing their notes next to the slides, which is a great idea. I would, but I have no printer. I can go over to C's dad's and use his, but it's a little awkward and I haven't yet. I go through the slideshows while I'm washing dishes.

Instead of regular English class (like creative writing or somesuch), I'm taking analytical writing. That's all well and great, and the teacher is a good teacher, but the textbooks are abhorrently verbose and dry dry dry. I, the one who loves to read, have a hard time getting through a single chapter, often tossing it aside in frustration after 5 or 6 pages. And it's hard for me to absorb, so I know I'm going to have to read it at least twice, which I'm absolutely dreading... Oh, well. I'll just do my best.

I have these super high unconscious expectations of my school performance, which manifests itself as panic whenever I feel like I'm threatening those expectations. I've realized that I basically expect myself to have every assignment done perfectly and on time. Is that realistic? Yeah, if this were high school, but it's not. It's college, and the game has changed. I have a much bigger scope of life beyond text work and reading assignments. C and I are still making time for a date every week, which is especially important now that he's back at work and like a ship in the night to me... an amorous ship that keeps waking me up at ridiculous hours of the morning and/or night.

Speaking of my bigger scope of life, we've picked a date for the wedding!! March 30th, 2013. We talked about the wedding for a good hour last night, examining various aspects and tossing around ideas... and I've come to the conclusion (okay, C insistently helped me to the conclusion) that we can't afford to invite all the people I'd like to. I want to send out invites as kind of an acknowledgement of the people's importance in my life and that I care about them (Gifts as a love language, anyone?), but if I invite people, I should expect them to show up. With the budget we're looking at, it's going to be small, very small. Family only, really, with a handful of very close friends. I can't even afford to invite the group ladies. (Really, because you're looking at fifteen, twenty people at minimum with the ladies and the girls and the girls' moms...) So I don't think that we'll be using the big church like I had been thinking... something more like a small chapel would work. And the reception? Scratch the fancy tea party idea that I'd become so fond of. We're going to do a barbecue! (Yes, there will be a grilled tofu and veggies station, in addition to platters of veggies and "strawberry trees". The non-carnivores will not starve, I assure you.) And, rather than doing individual mini cakes like I'd thought would be so cool, I'm probably going to get a "regular" wedding cake (Albertsons! Like Mom did for her wedding, and it was darn good, too.) and make a "special" wedding cake that I and my other allergy friends can have.

Rather than a cake topper, I'm going to print out a Celtic knot on thick card stock and cut out the insides to make a stencil. Then I will use the stencil to sprinkle edible coloring of some sort on the top of the cakes, so I'll have the knot instead of cake toppers. I would ask for the cake makers to do that for me, but I've been to Cake Wrecks too many times for me to even consider asking for something so intricate from them.

The place I wanted to have my reception at is a.) too pricey, and b.) they won't let me bring in my own food. They have to make it for the event. Well, I can tell you right now that it doesn't work that way. I've worked in an industrial kitchen, and I know that I'm allergic to even the spray they use on the pans. No way, Jose. I will NOT get sick at my own reception! So while I'm sad (it's such a beautiful, magical place!), I know that I'll be able to work it out. There's a beautiful park with ramadas that I'll be scoping out today, and I've got one in particular in mind. I figure I can borrow tables and chairs from the SDA church, or even the Episcopal church if the other churches won't let me. I'll find some really nice paper plates and plastic cups, and I'll have to make sure to get a cake server for each cake. It wouldn't be good if the two were to get mixed up!

So, basically, it's not going to be at all what I've been scheming and dreaming about for so many years, simply because that's not where my life is at this point. It'll be cheap, but I know how to make cheap beautiful. I learned that from my mommy while we were in poverty.

Also, to rectify the "I can't invite you to the wedding" situation, I think I'll draw up some really nice announcements after the wedding and send those out. Oh! C had a great idea in regards to photographers! I was bemoaning how expensive wedding photography is, and that's one thing that I'm really set on. I want good pictures. Videography I don't care about so much. I want the pictures to be stellar. So I had the idea of going to the college and asking the photography teacher if he has any promising students that want to earn some money and gain experience (maybe I could even convince him to give extra credit?), but C's idea was to get like 3 or 4 students and pay them $100 each. Then we would have all kinds of pictures, but with different styles and captured from different angles, etc. I think it's a great idea. I hope it works out.

Eeeeee! I'm excited! Almost 7 months, exactly. No, he hasn't proposed yet, but that'll come. I'm not impatient. (Uh, well, about this, anyway...)

My first day of college was yesterday. I've never been an official college student before. It's... about the same as high school, really... except that I can go to the bathroom without having to ask permission first. That, and there are no bells. Just the sound of minutes quietly slipping by as a permanent backdrop to any and all activity.

I got 100% on my math homework. I'm proud of myself.

Today was a long day, tomorrow looks to be longer. Internet class in the a.m., class at noon, work after class, homework after work, class in the evening, and then sweet, sweet sleep.

I missed my evening class last night (the first night, too!), because I got a phone call that the location had changed. However, when I showed up... there was no one else there. I waited for 20 minutes, and still no one showed. Calling the department today, I found out that I was in the right location, but at the wrong part of the building. Apparently there are two Suites 101? Well, I won't miss class tomorrow, that's for sure. And, hopefully, the teacher will get a kick out of my reason for missing class...

C has been insisting that I set boundaries with work and that I pace myself... and find activities that I enjoy, to unwind. Apparently, I have a hard time doing anything that isn't "accomplishing". He says the closest he can get me to sitting down and doing nothing is reading a book, except that I'm always reading "learning" books and studying.

I'll try. I've been overwhelmed a lot this week already. There's been a great deal of emotional turmoil for me, which I can't write about at present.

Now I need to do dishes and braid S's hair before I hit the hay.

Went to go pay on my bill for my upcoming classes (today was the. last. day. to pay anything. It's not that I was procrastinating-- I purposely waited until the last day so that it would give me as much time as possible to pay off my credit card). The balance was all fine and dandy, but there was a $25 enrollment fee that was unexpected. Do you know what the total came out to?

One dollar over my credit limit.

That's right. Foiled, by one measly dollar!

So I did what any self-respecting college student would do... and called my daddy.

Essentially, we just cut the middleman (me) out of our plan, which was originally to have me pay with my credit card, then him give me money when it came due, then for me to pay him back when financial aid came through.

So, challenge for today: be okay with myself and don't hate myself or jump down my own throat, even though my bank account is literally at $0.00 in both savings and checking.

I guess now, when I say "I don't have the money for that" it's a literal truth, rather than a coy way of saying "I don't want to pay for this".

It's gonna be okay.

It has to be.

(P.S.-- Did you know that the city where I live has the number one unemployment rate in the country? Nothing like a little dose of statistics to brighten an otherwise dull day ^_^)

I took my placement tests today.

The proctors informed me yesterday that, contrary to what the advisor said, the testing would take anywhere from two to two and a half hours. (Rather than the 30 or so minutes the advisor suggested!)

So, since yesterday was very hectic for me, I let it slide until today. I ate protein for breakfast, psyched myself up for a long, grueling series of tests, and... finished in half an hour flat.

Hmmm.

So, final scores? 120 for sentence structure (a.k.a "which English class do you qualify for?"), 118 for reading comprehension (a.k.a. "can you read well enough to even BE here?"), and 45 for basic algebra (a.k.a "we're secretly one large group of sado-masochists--join us!").

Tomorrow, I can hop online and register for my courses, and Monday, I should be able to call the financial aid department and get my finances squared away. (However, tomorrow, I'll be driiiiiving, so I think I'll wait until Friday.)

Ahh, yes. Tomorrow, I'll be driving "home"! I'm barely squeaking by with enough gas money to make the round-trip, but I can do it, and I'm going to!

Excuse: "I need to get the rest of my stuff!"
Reality: "I really just want to see my friends and my cat again, and I don't have any good place to put the stuff I'm bringing back with me."

Needless to say, I'm super stoked. Getting ready has been stressful, per usual for a big trip, but the excitement cancels out all the other stuff.

I have to pack my car, then I'll take a good solid nap before heading out about midnight.

P.S.-- Am I the only one that thinks about "what if I die in a car crash on my way"? Actually, I think about that a lot... the fragility of life. I have all these plans and hopes for the future, but what kind of safeguard is that? None, really. C and I say, "See you tonight," when he leaves for work, but how can we know that we really will? We can't. I just hope every day that the words will prove true.

And so I tell my friends, "See you in a couple of days! I'm so excited!" but really, there's no guarantee I'll even make it there, or make it back. Everything can change in just a few seconds.

Is that unnerving to anyone else? I mean, sure, it adds that flavor and dimension to life that could never be there if everything were flat and assured, but still... it savors of possible loss, and I don't like it. We can assume that everything will go on as normal, because for a lot of people it does... but not for everyone. And what if I'm part of that other portion someday soon?

I know, I know... somber thoughts for an exciting adventure.

I guess the best you can do is live so that you would not regret anything at any given moment. Do the dishes before you leave the house. Make the bed. Kiss your mate. Post that blog post. Read that book. Pray that prayer. Do whatever you must... but have no regrets.

If I died tonight... the only regret I would have is that I didn't get to see my plans fulfilled. Oh, and that I didn't actually get to eat a piece of cheesecake. ^_^