Really? All I did was bump (not bang, but bump) my thumb against the side of my walker last night while attempting to wipe rain off the seat, and a super-bruised thumb is my reward. It did hurt, overmuch, but I didn't expect this crazy bruising.

I've been having serious fibro probs just before and most assuredly during my visit up here... Maybe it's all the emotions. Either way, my pain killers just aren't cutting it anymore, which saddens me. I've borrowed half a Vicodin from C a couple of times, and that seems to take the edge off, but man... I am so sick.

Bummer.

Yet, on the other hand, I totally identify with D in a lot of ways, which I didn't expect. So it makes him less scary, less fragile, less "I'm gonna break you if I so much as talk to you", and now... he's just D, and he's not feeling good. I get that. I get that completely.

I found the ring that I tried on and fell in love with! It wasn't on the site of the jewelry store I actually visited, but I found it on another one.

This is it. This is the one. (I would love for the center little stones to be blue diamonds.)

(I ran the idea of coming up this summer to pick up my cat, my bin of books, and my freezer past C. He says it's definitely a viable option. Included in this trip would be a trip to the jewelry store for me to order his ring, and maybe to give him an opportunity to order this ring for me! He hasn't seen it yet, but I'll show him when I get home.)

And seriously? I cannot believe that I fell for a diamond ring. I've never been a diamond fan--they're way to mainstream for me. Everyone has them, they're expensive, what's the point when there are so many other beautiful gemstones out there? It's like you're "supposed" to have a diamond ring when you get married... so I don't want one. (Typical rebellious me lol)

But I discovered recently that it was important to C that he buy me a diamond, so I made my peace with that. And now... I actually like a diamond ring. Talk about a turnaround!

It's really amazing how important body fat is, especially in the face. When you see someone with no fat at all, you instinctively assume they're very, very ill.

In D's case, that's true. I've come to my own conclusions on the matter, after gleaning info from the girls and from C, and... I really don't expect him to live much past the wedding. He will not be able to attend, that much is clear (even in the state he's in now, he wouldn't be able to attend), and C will be staying with him. He should not be by himself in this state. Honestly... I'd give it two months. Max. I think that the wedding may be a time of deep joy, but also deep sorrow, as I think that D will be passing away about that time. I know the girls are planning to come down and play music for our wedding, but they may choose not to if D passes away. I understand, and I'll be planning back up music. The only major hitch in that is that my wedding coordinator is planning to travel down with them, and if they don't come she can't come, so I don't know what I'll do... probably hand the reins of the day off to Mom and/or D, who I'm sure will work beautifully in tandem. Mom will be walking me down the aisle, so D will probably take the bulk of the work... and I'll be there to help decorate and such... it's just making sure the ceremony and reception run smoothly, and the clean-up afterward. I'll make sure to talk to them and to H about this possibility.

I don't know when to talk to D seriously and say my "parting words"... I'm thinking about writing him a letter, because I do better in writing than I do just saying things... I'd give him the letter a day or two before I leave, to give him time to respond or bring up the topic if he wants. I need to tell him how much I love and appreciate him, and what he's meant to me as a father.

Good grief, I'm tearing up just thinking about this... Ugh! Stupid emotions! Go away!!!

Yesterday was interesting, but fun. I spent two plus hours wandering the local mall while K and C were in a bank setting up accounts for the two of them. The reason it took so long was that the bank lady walked K through every step of dealing with her account, so she would understand it all, and it went really well. I didn't mind. I ended up wandering into a jewelry store called Harry Ritchie's and talking to a saleslady with the same name as me! She cleaned my ring for free, and it looks like new :) Anyway, as we talked about wedding bands for C and how to customize a ring for him, she told me about the company and their policies and what they offer customers, and I was extremely impressed. They take great care of the people who buy from them and the jewelry they purchase, and I decided that's where I'm getting C's ring from. I ended up browsing the ladies' wedding sets as well, and fell in love with blue diamonds. I know C has an idea of the ring he wants to create for me, and he really wants to get me a diamond, so I want it to be blue. The color is phenomenal-- it reminds me a lot of a London Blue Topaz-- and they're cheaper than your standard clear diamonds.

While browsing the rings, I found one that I absolutely fell in love with. I mean, head over heels. I know, I know, C wants to create that certain ring for me that he's got in his head, but man... this ring was just... *sigh* I dunno. I can't find the exact one online, but I found a couple that look really similar, and one even has blue diamond accents! I'd want the center stone (which wasn't actually one whole stone, but a bunch of little ones that actually looked like one super-sparkly stone. I didn't notice it wasn't one stone until about 5 minutes into examining it!) to be a blue diamond, and the rest would be fine as regular white diamonds. Here she is:

It looks most like the top ring, but the diamonds were farther down the swirls, so it was metal swirls above and below with diamond accents on the sides. The center stone was bigger, though still round, and made up of a bunch of little diamonds, and I would want blue diamonds (see bottom ring). It had the little accent stones on the sides that were kinda triangular, and looked like little leaves. It was just so simple, dainty, and gorgeous... *sigh* I told C that I found a ring I love :) Though it is expensive (or at least seems so to me!), it isn't, as far as diamond rings go (and when you think about the fact that I'll be wearing it every day for the rest of my life, it kind of puts it in perspective), plus it's usually on sale, and they also have promotions where you can get money off of your purchase in addition to in-house financing. The only problem is that for the initial purchase and creation of the ring, you need to be in the store. After that, you can pay over the phone, but the purchase needs to be in person. Aaaaand, they're only a northwest store.

Oh darn. Guess that means I have to drag C up here ;) (Like I've been planning to...) I'm going to show him the ring online, and we'll see what he says about taking an ID trip sometime this or next year.

But I overdid it yesterday, what with doing yoga and running errands and walking the mall for a couple of hours, and then giving a massage on top of that... Oh, I am feeling it today! And I had coffee yesterday... bad girl, I know. I need to be good to myself... but I felt like being good to myself yesterday was allowing myself a treat. And it sure was delicious :)

I'll be seeing H later today, and we'll be going over wedding stuff... so excited! Last night, after errands were all finished, we ate supper and were going to watch a movie but couldn't get the tv working. Instead, we all sat around and talked, and it was really good. W, J's intended, was there, and I got to know him a little better. (He was the one I massaged, after all!) Of course, the topics turned to theology, but it was cool because D got really into the conversation, and it was like I could see the old D just shining through again. It was a good feeling.

Also, while at the mall, my friend L from this area called me, and we had a really good conversation. I have a few guy friends that I can have real good convos with, like JC, and L (to my surprise!) turned out to be one of them. We talked for a good 45 minutes before I had to go because I got another call. He told me all about how he met and married his wife, who is a total sweetie, and we talked about how I met and got together with C, and we talked theology and church, and we actually believe much the same way. It was a relief to know that I'm not the only one who's studied and had experiences and come to the same conclusions! It was interesting, too, because some of his comments about convos we've had in the past and conclusions he drew from them showed me that he is actually very, very insightful, and he's basically got me pegged, even though I didn't realize it :) I also realized that I give away a lot more of my inner life than I previously thought. I'm not as inscrutable as I think that I am. Alas. lol

So it's been good already, being here, and I'm very glad I came... no matter how difficult it is to see D this way. At first, I felt like the D I knew was already dead and gone, but last night showed me that he's still in there... buried under layers of suffering. I understand how that is in a lot of ways, because the fibro had me so beaten down with fatigue and pain at one point that I didn't even realize I wasn't myself until I got on the meds that have helped buoy me back up closer to normal. For D, though, there will be none of that. At this point, the only release he will have will be death... and I almost wish it upon him.

He's in so much pain... he's so sick... I don't like seeing him suffer so. I know he wants to hang on, which is why he wanted to try the chemo, because I mean, who wants to die? Of course he wants to stick around as long as possible, to see his girls get married, to spend as much time with his wife as possible, but... I mean... he's so sick. I almost wish he'd give up, if only for his sake.

And I feel like a total traitor writing that. It's one thing to wish your enemies dead, but to wish your loved ones dead? It's a strange, strange feeling, even if it is motivated by love.

Ugh. Ugh and Argh. I'm tired of fighting back tears, and I'm tired of crying, 'cause here I go again.

Damn. I knew this was gonna be hard, I just didn't know how hard. At least when Larry died a few years ago, it was sudden. There was nothing any of us could have done. I didn't get to say goodbye, but he didn't linger, and he was the happiest he'd ever been when he went.

I'm so glad I don't live here anymore. I'd be broken beyond repair. Even now, I feel myself cracking...

Oh D... I don't want you to go, and yet I don't want you to stay if it means you have to live like this...

This? This is... yeah. I'm fairly certain that this is hell.

I don't really know what to feel right now, so I think I'll settle for not feeling anything.

I got a couple of sad newses yesterday and this morning... it seemed like everything was going so smoothly and falling into place, and now several pieces have broken off and gone spinning into orbit. My first instinct is to freak out, but I have to keep reminding myself that, really, it will all continue to be okay.

Firstly, I've been trying to get ahold of our officiant for about a week and a half, with no success. He just would not contact me back. Yesterday I made the decision to find a new officiant, and it looks like we may have one. That was taken care of pretty easily, but I am still mourning The Wedding That Was a little, even if it was only in my head and my plans.

Then I heard from one of my best friends last night. We've literally been friends since I was 3. She used to babysit me! Anyway, she's not sure she can make it, due to finances... Probably not, actually. :( I've been planning on having her at my wedding since childhood. In my childhood fancies, she was going to be my maid of honor, of course! It didn't work out like that in real life, but still... she's always been a factor in my wedding dreams, and not being able to share this really big, meaningful event with her is saddening in a big way. I did tell her, though, that this just means that I'll have to send her a "let's pretend you were here" package :) I love any excuse to make a care package! Usually I have the desire but not the funds, so they go unsent, alas.

This morning I heard from my dear bestie J, my maid of honor, and my only attendant. We've both been super stoked at the prospect of seeing each other, because a long distance friendship is just not the same as being roomies, really. Also, being able to share this momentous occasion with her was something that I really wanted. Unfortunately, due to finances and school... she can't come. I tried to reassure her over the phone, and I absolutely meant what I said. For both of my friends, I get it. Life happens, finances are tight, and flying across the country is expensive. I understand.

That doesn't, however, make me any less sad. I didn't cry on the phone with J, but I did after we hung up. I ended up calling my mom to cry to her, because I knew she'd understand, and I just wanted to talk to someone, you know? I didn't really need much in the way of consoling, I just wanted someone to hear and understand my heartbreak, which she did, and so I was fine. I'm still sad, but... J and I will figure out some way to see one another, and it will be awesome, as usual. You know what this means? I get to make two care packages!! lol

A text message beeped through while I was on the phone with J, so I checked it as soon as we hung up. It was the realtor, telling me that the seller accepted a better offer from someone else on the house we wanted.

Double whammy.

It's ok, though, because I know that there will be other homes... It'll be alright. It's not the end of the world, and I don't have to freak out.

I know that I'm also more emotional today because I'm tired and jet lagged from my trip yesterday, not to mention that I'm all on edge because I know I'm going to see D later today, and... I had K send me a picture the other day, so I wouldn't be so shocked, but man... I was shocked. He looks like a holocaust survivor. I cried on C's shoulder because it really, really hit me that this man that I love is dying, and that I was about to take a trip to say goodbye to him. Goodbye. I'm probably not going to see him again. This is it. I'm crying even now as I'm typing, because good God, how do you say goodbye to someone like that? How do you just show up, spend some time, and then take off knowing you won't see them again? How do you even do that? I don't know how I'm going to do it. Probably with lots of tears.

So there's all that. But it's not all doom and gloom. There are silver linings, as there usually are.

J, B's wife, has become a good friend of mine. We've gotten to know each other through group, through hanging out and talking about our pasts, about abuse, about our significant others, about childbirth and parenting, about sex, about life in general... I can be totally open with her about anything.  I told her about my being bi, which she was fine with (and is totally keeping in mind while she plans my bachelorette party), and she's the only one that I can tell when I learn a new trick in the bedroom. She's also helped me out tremendously with the wedding. She's like a wedding planner, really! Anyway, I'd been thinking lately that I wish there were some way that I could honor her at the wedding, because she's put so much into it... so now that J isn't going to be my maid of honor, I asked the other J if she would, and she said yes! (In all caps, I might add ^_^) Also, she already had a dress to wear to my wedding and... it's grey. Perfect. :)

It's cool how that works out, actually, because B is C's best man, and now his wife is my maid of honor (matron of honor?), and they're our only attendants. So the couple that walks down the aisle will actually be a couple! That's pretty cool. And, as J texted me during our conversation about her being my MOH, "Well at least the best man gets to have sex with the maid of honor" Hah! She's funny :)

Also, the money that I was going to put towards Bestie J's ticket I can now give to Sis J towards her plane ticket, that way the girls can come down and do the music for my wedding.

It'll be okay. I'll be okay. The wedding will work out, it'll be fine, and C and I will be married. That's really all that matters. Whether or not my besties show up, well... that really doesn't affect the outcome any. It's just a shame that I can't share it with them in person. But man, I'm gonna make one heck of a care package!

As I told Mom, "It's been a hell of a morning... and it's only ten o'clock!"

Preparing to go to Id tomorrow.

Lists are made, and I'm dashing about, trying to wrap things up before C gets home and I get distracted. I know I can pack while we watch Bleach, but I also know that I'm going to want to spend as much time with him as possible before I leave.

It's only a few days, but still...

And I'm trying not to think about the difficulties that lie ahead of me the next few days. Just the joys.

And I'm off!

Remember that amazing collar I bought at Ren Fair yesterday? I wore it all day, all evening... I adore it. I'm wearing it now, as a matter of fact.

Anyway, last night I told C that I had something to give him before we went to sleep, so he made sure to remind me before we drifted off. I almost chickened out, because I was embarrassed, but I gathered my courage and slipped on my collar, heart shaped padlock and key in hand. It was dark, so I didn't feel as vulnerable :)

I placed the lock and key into his hand, and I made an impromptu little speech. For some quick background, C and I have both researched the BDSM culture to various extents, and while we are most definitely NOT a BDSM couple, there are aspects of the lifestyle and play that we really enjoy and incorporate into our own bedroom antics. I suppose that what we like might seem a bit freaky to some people, but we've talked about it and we both agree that the important thing is not what other people might think, but that it works for us. Most importantly, whatever we do is built on a foundation of trust, communication, and consensual agreement. We do not do anything that one or the other of us is not comfortable with or not ready for. This is also one of the basic tenets of BDSM. They use the acronym SSC- Safe, Sane, Consensual. The players must operate from a basis of trust, otherwise it can quickly devolve into abuse.

Another background tidbit that might be useful in understanding the subtleties of what I gave to C is that there are typically two types of people in the BDSM culture. A "dom" is the dominant one who takes control, and a "sub" is the submissive one who receives. Don't be deceived into thinking that the dom does all the work and the sub just sits there. It's a mutual experience of giving, as the sub gives control and permission to the dom, and the dom gives the experiences desired to the sub. It's a give-give relationship. Granted, it looks much different than your typical relationship, but to each their own, I guess. Anyway, when a relationship between a dom and a sub has been established, often the dom will "collar" their sub. The sub will wear a collar of the dom's choosing, with or without a lock, to show that they belong to a dom in general and that dom in particular. Some couples even have an official collaring ceremony which is, in effect, much like a marriage ceremony. (In case it's not obvious, I'm the "sub" in our play, and he's the "dom". Sub is a role that I naturally fall into and enjoy very much, and C is the same way with dom, so it works out well.)

With that knowledge, let us proceed into my gift to C. I placed the padlock and key that came with my collar in his hand, snuggled up to him, and said my piece. The gist of it (because I can't remember what I said verbatim) went like this...

"I know that we're not a BDSM couple, but we've both done research on it and know a lot about it. You know that the basic foundation for that is trust. Well, as the wedding is getting closer, I've been doing a lot of thinking... and I'll admit that I have been freaking out some. (murmur of agreement from C, lol) It would be kinda weird if I wasn't. But as we're getting closer and closer to the wedding, and as we've been going around, working towards getting a house, I just really wanted you to know that I trust you. That's what the lock and key are for. I trust you implicitly and completely, and this is a symbol of that. Not only do I trust who you are, that you are a good man, but I trust that any decisions you have to make will be the right ones for me and the kids. I'm looking forward to our future together, and I'm honored that you chose me as the person you want to spend the rest of your life with."

As I was talking, C began stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head. When I was done, he said, "That was very nice," and kissed me deeply. He snapped the lock onto my collar, kissed me again, and then, well, romance ensued.

His minimal response was belied by his tone of voice and his physical response to my words even as I was speaking. I can tell that it touched him deeply. I mean, I may as well have been holding up a blinking red sign that said, "I RESPECT YOU!" And if you've ever read or heard anything by Emerson Eggerichs, you'll know that respect feeds a man's innate need to be loved, just as love feeds that in a woman. Reciting poetry while tossing rose petals probably isn't going to do it for a guy. He needs to feel that he is respected. That's what will rev his engine and make him feel deeply cherished. I think that, last night, I made C feel that I deeply cherish him, and it meant a lot to him. "That was very nice" meant much more than the brevity of the words could convey. I know him well enough to know that. I don't know exactly what feelings it stirred in him, but I know it touched him pretty deeply.

I also hope that it allayed his fears of my up and leaving again. I truly damaged him and caused him unspeakable pain when I left the first time. I regret the pain I caused, though I don't regret leaving (we're so much better off after all these years of individual experiences and growth!). He basically gave up trying in relationships after that. It was a mix of  apathetic "eh, what's the point?" and fearful "I don't want to get hurt again, so if I don't care, then you can't hurt me". And it was me that shredded his heart and brought him to that point. We've talked about it. I've apologized for the pain I caused, but I have also explained that a.) I was trying to do the right thing, and doing the best I knew how, and b.) I feel that the time apart has made our relationship stronger, so I can't bring myself to regret having left.

He told me that he understood that I was trying to do the right thing by both of us, which is why he never hated me. He had/has a lot of deep, seething anger towards the situation, and towards the people in my life that influenced me to leave, but he never directed any of that at me. I'm glad. Sad that he has more ammo against Christians now, but glad that he understood that I was trying to be a good person.

Anyway, I guess I'm "collared" now lol. I wore it to bed, but he left the key on the desk so I could take it off this morning. I had been talking with him about what jewelry I would and wouldn't wear while in Id, and so he joked last night that he just might take the key and have me wear my collar for my whole visit up there! I laughed, but told him that it probably wouldn't go over so well when I went to church... ;) (Besides, I have to shower!)

Interestingly, he feels strongly about my leaving off my engagement ring. I didn't expect that when I asked how he would feel about it. Since he feels strongly about it, and it would bother him for me to remove it, I'll keep it on. But I think I'm going to put my foot down about the collar... no matter how much I love it. ^_^

I gotta be kinder to myself, more careful.

Even after getting a solid 8 hours of sleep last night (how often has that happened lately? I slept through the whole night!!), I was so exhausted this morning that I was literally falling asleep in the realtor's office as we went over paperwork. Oops.

I made it through, but a nap when I got home was oh-so-welcome.

I realized that this fibro flare has messed me up more than I thought it did or would (it was so unanticipated, but it makes total sense...), and that I've been thinking of my recovery in the wrong terms. I thought of my recovery from the colonoscopy and subsequent flare as kind of a spike-- I'd be low for a day, then I'd go back up to normal levels, right?

Well, in reality, it's more like a slope, a grade. I have to gradually work my way back up to feeling okay, and it's not gonna happen overnight. Problem is, I've been running my days like I'm not diminished at all, which is really only making things worse. *sigh* I'm my own worst enemy, sometimes.

So I'm working on being more mindful of my health and my energy levels-- especially my energy levels. If I completely exhaust my energy resources, it makes it that much harder the next day, and it just snowballs from there. I still struggle with guilt and self-worth, but C told me point-blank the other day that I don't have to justify not doing a lot of stuff every day. It's okay to bum around if I need to.

I love that man. He helps me keep my balance.

On another note, we made an offer on a house this morning! We are looking to hear from the seller by Monday to see if they will accept it, and if they do then the offer will go to their lender, which will take... a while. It's a short sale, meaning that the seller owes more on the house than it's worth, so the bank is the one that decides whether or not to accept the offer, ultimately. We'll see how it goes... but we're keeping our eyes open to see if anything we like as much or better pops up in the meantime. Estimated closing date at this point is April 14th, I think.

The rest of the day has been good. We were at the realtor's early, then we swung by Home Depot, because I delegated the creation of the wax seal to C, and he needed a few parts to make it work. He's really running with it, making it very functional. I was just gonna hot glue a few pieces together and call it good, but the very idea appalled C. He was so passionate in his rebuttal of my plans that I gave him complete control over it, and he's really putting some energy into it. It's really cool to see him working on wedding stuff right alongside me :) Next weekend, he, B, and D will be going to get their tuxes/suits fitted. They would have done it by now, but life's been throwing stuff in the way and it just hasn't happened yet.

After swinging by Subway for some food for C and Starbuck's for a drink for me (what a rare treat!), we headed home to eat. I took a nap, then headed out to the Ren Faire that S is working this weekend. I took a little bit of money with me, but, I mean, come on... it's the Ren Faire! And they accept credit cards? So I spent a little bit of next week's paycheck on a dagger, and some of this week's allowance on a simply gorgeous leather collar with a silver filigree heart dangling from the front and a silver heart shaped padlock on the clasp. I went back to the booth 3 times before I finally decided to go ahead and purchase it! But I knew that it was one of those things that, if I didn't, I'd regret for a really long time.

I must have looked great today, because I got flirted with a lot. The last thing I did was go to this juggling show, and the juggler, A the Bawdy Juggler, was making very sexual jokes the whole time... but I did find them funny. Adult humor, I guess. Anyway, he picked on me a few times while I was in the crowd (along with other folks), but he pulled me up on stage for the last act. It was fun and funny, but he was very sexual in his humor and was making some pretty bold advances, so I kept him in his place. I'd elbow him in the ribs or slap his hand if he got too fresh, and I made a few verbal jabs of my own. It was sweet of him, though, to ask if I was doing okay, because I had been sitting on my walker (no way was I gonna walk around for several hours without it, not the way I've been feeling lately!!), and he wanted to make sure I could stand for that long. Periodically while I was up there he would ask in an aside voice if I was doing alright. I knew what he meant, and told him I was fine.

A few months ago, I would have been so embarrassed and horrified by the situation and the adult humor, but considering my recent "uninhibiting", I did just fine. I blushed a few times, because let's face it-- some things are private and just not funny. But for the most part I enjoyed myself. Plus, let's be honest... it was flattering :) After the show I had several people from the audience approach me and tell me how much funnier it was with my involvement, and that I did a good job. I'm going to laugh so hard if I get stopped in, like, Walmart or something by someone who saw the show!

I leave for Id in a few days. I realized it with a jolt today, because it's come up so fast! I need to create packing lists, and prepare my food for travel. It's going to be so good to see my family again...

I will have to tone myself down and bind myself back in some ways, though, and I don't mind. Out of respect for their lifestyle, the values they hold, and the way they are trying to raise K, I don't mind getting rid of a few things temporarily for the sake of those I love. The jewelry will go, of course (though there's not much I can do about the piercings-- the lobes have to stay in, and my cartilage will close if I leave it out too long... but they're simple, inoffensive little silver studs. They don't attract much attention... I hope.), and I'll be watching my language as I've become more casual in my use of expletives. I don't mind going to church with them at all, nor joining in family prayer or any other spiritual activities.

I can mold myself to fit in more, and I don't mind. First of all, this is my family, and I value their long-term health and wellness as a family unit as well as individuals. Would I risk the possibility of strife and discord after I'm gone just so I can be free to express myself? Hardly! I don't need jewelry, and I can go without it. Not a big deal. Also, it's short term. I'm only up there for a few days. So not a big deal for me to go with their grain while I'm with them.

I do need to start preparing, though... I'd put it away, figuring I'd get ready when the time came upon me. Well, it's upon me, soooo...

I'm excited! Yet, at the same time, not... because I know it's gonna be a hard trip, both emotionally and physically (there's no way I'm gonna be up to "normal" in just two days, so I'll still be diminished physically, and also the reason behind my trip is just so sad...