Hell of a morning...

I don't really know what to feel right now, so I think I'll settle for not feeling anything.

I got a couple of sad newses yesterday and this morning... it seemed like everything was going so smoothly and falling into place, and now several pieces have broken off and gone spinning into orbit. My first instinct is to freak out, but I have to keep reminding myself that, really, it will all continue to be okay.

Firstly, I've been trying to get ahold of our officiant for about a week and a half, with no success. He just would not contact me back. Yesterday I made the decision to find a new officiant, and it looks like we may have one. That was taken care of pretty easily, but I am still mourning The Wedding That Was a little, even if it was only in my head and my plans.

Then I heard from one of my best friends last night. We've literally been friends since I was 3. She used to babysit me! Anyway, she's not sure she can make it, due to finances... Probably not, actually. :( I've been planning on having her at my wedding since childhood. In my childhood fancies, she was going to be my maid of honor, of course! It didn't work out like that in real life, but still... she's always been a factor in my wedding dreams, and not being able to share this really big, meaningful event with her is saddening in a big way. I did tell her, though, that this just means that I'll have to send her a "let's pretend you were here" package :) I love any excuse to make a care package! Usually I have the desire but not the funds, so they go unsent, alas.

This morning I heard from my dear bestie J, my maid of honor, and my only attendant. We've both been super stoked at the prospect of seeing each other, because a long distance friendship is just not the same as being roomies, really. Also, being able to share this momentous occasion with her was something that I really wanted. Unfortunately, due to finances and school... she can't come. I tried to reassure her over the phone, and I absolutely meant what I said. For both of my friends, I get it. Life happens, finances are tight, and flying across the country is expensive. I understand.

That doesn't, however, make me any less sad. I didn't cry on the phone with J, but I did after we hung up. I ended up calling my mom to cry to her, because I knew she'd understand, and I just wanted to talk to someone, you know? I didn't really need much in the way of consoling, I just wanted someone to hear and understand my heartbreak, which she did, and so I was fine. I'm still sad, but... J and I will figure out some way to see one another, and it will be awesome, as usual. You know what this means? I get to make two care packages!! lol

A text message beeped through while I was on the phone with J, so I checked it as soon as we hung up. It was the realtor, telling me that the seller accepted a better offer from someone else on the house we wanted.

Double whammy.

It's ok, though, because I know that there will be other homes... It'll be alright. It's not the end of the world, and I don't have to freak out.

I know that I'm also more emotional today because I'm tired and jet lagged from my trip yesterday, not to mention that I'm all on edge because I know I'm going to see D later today, and... I had K send me a picture the other day, so I wouldn't be so shocked, but man... I was shocked. He looks like a holocaust survivor. I cried on C's shoulder because it really, really hit me that this man that I love is dying, and that I was about to take a trip to say goodbye to him. Goodbye. I'm probably not going to see him again. This is it. I'm crying even now as I'm typing, because good God, how do you say goodbye to someone like that? How do you just show up, spend some time, and then take off knowing you won't see them again? How do you even do that? I don't know how I'm going to do it. Probably with lots of tears.

So there's all that. But it's not all doom and gloom. There are silver linings, as there usually are.

J, B's wife, has become a good friend of mine. We've gotten to know each other through group, through hanging out and talking about our pasts, about abuse, about our significant others, about childbirth and parenting, about sex, about life in general... I can be totally open with her about anything.  I told her about my being bi, which she was fine with (and is totally keeping in mind while she plans my bachelorette party), and she's the only one that I can tell when I learn a new trick in the bedroom. She's also helped me out tremendously with the wedding. She's like a wedding planner, really! Anyway, I'd been thinking lately that I wish there were some way that I could honor her at the wedding, because she's put so much into it... so now that J isn't going to be my maid of honor, I asked the other J if she would, and she said yes! (In all caps, I might add ^_^) Also, she already had a dress to wear to my wedding and... it's grey. Perfect. :)

It's cool how that works out, actually, because B is C's best man, and now his wife is my maid of honor (matron of honor?), and they're our only attendants. So the couple that walks down the aisle will actually be a couple! That's pretty cool. And, as J texted me during our conversation about her being my MOH, "Well at least the best man gets to have sex with the maid of honor" Hah! She's funny :)

Also, the money that I was going to put towards Bestie J's ticket I can now give to Sis J towards her plane ticket, that way the girls can come down and do the music for my wedding.

It'll be okay. I'll be okay. The wedding will work out, it'll be fine, and C and I will be married. That's really all that matters. Whether or not my besties show up, well... that really doesn't affect the outcome any. It's just a shame that I can't share it with them in person. But man, I'm gonna make one heck of a care package!

As I told Mom, "It's been a hell of a morning... and it's only ten o'clock!"

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