It's really amazing how important body fat is, especially in the face. When you see someone with no fat at all, you instinctively assume they're very, very ill.

In D's case, that's true. I've come to my own conclusions on the matter, after gleaning info from the girls and from C, and... I really don't expect him to live much past the wedding. He will not be able to attend, that much is clear (even in the state he's in now, he wouldn't be able to attend), and C will be staying with him. He should not be by himself in this state. Honestly... I'd give it two months. Max. I think that the wedding may be a time of deep joy, but also deep sorrow, as I think that D will be passing away about that time. I know the girls are planning to come down and play music for our wedding, but they may choose not to if D passes away. I understand, and I'll be planning back up music. The only major hitch in that is that my wedding coordinator is planning to travel down with them, and if they don't come she can't come, so I don't know what I'll do... probably hand the reins of the day off to Mom and/or D, who I'm sure will work beautifully in tandem. Mom will be walking me down the aisle, so D will probably take the bulk of the work... and I'll be there to help decorate and such... it's just making sure the ceremony and reception run smoothly, and the clean-up afterward. I'll make sure to talk to them and to H about this possibility.

I don't know when to talk to D seriously and say my "parting words"... I'm thinking about writing him a letter, because I do better in writing than I do just saying things... I'd give him the letter a day or two before I leave, to give him time to respond or bring up the topic if he wants. I need to tell him how much I love and appreciate him, and what he's meant to me as a father.

Good grief, I'm tearing up just thinking about this... Ugh! Stupid emotions! Go away!!!

Yesterday was interesting, but fun. I spent two plus hours wandering the local mall while K and C were in a bank setting up accounts for the two of them. The reason it took so long was that the bank lady walked K through every step of dealing with her account, so she would understand it all, and it went really well. I didn't mind. I ended up wandering into a jewelry store called Harry Ritchie's and talking to a saleslady with the same name as me! She cleaned my ring for free, and it looks like new :) Anyway, as we talked about wedding bands for C and how to customize a ring for him, she told me about the company and their policies and what they offer customers, and I was extremely impressed. They take great care of the people who buy from them and the jewelry they purchase, and I decided that's where I'm getting C's ring from. I ended up browsing the ladies' wedding sets as well, and fell in love with blue diamonds. I know C has an idea of the ring he wants to create for me, and he really wants to get me a diamond, so I want it to be blue. The color is phenomenal-- it reminds me a lot of a London Blue Topaz-- and they're cheaper than your standard clear diamonds.

While browsing the rings, I found one that I absolutely fell in love with. I mean, head over heels. I know, I know, C wants to create that certain ring for me that he's got in his head, but man... this ring was just... *sigh* I dunno. I can't find the exact one online, but I found a couple that look really similar, and one even has blue diamond accents! I'd want the center stone (which wasn't actually one whole stone, but a bunch of little ones that actually looked like one super-sparkly stone. I didn't notice it wasn't one stone until about 5 minutes into examining it!) to be a blue diamond, and the rest would be fine as regular white diamonds. Here she is:

It looks most like the top ring, but the diamonds were farther down the swirls, so it was metal swirls above and below with diamond accents on the sides. The center stone was bigger, though still round, and made up of a bunch of little diamonds, and I would want blue diamonds (see bottom ring). It had the little accent stones on the sides that were kinda triangular, and looked like little leaves. It was just so simple, dainty, and gorgeous... *sigh* I told C that I found a ring I love :) Though it is expensive (or at least seems so to me!), it isn't, as far as diamond rings go (and when you think about the fact that I'll be wearing it every day for the rest of my life, it kind of puts it in perspective), plus it's usually on sale, and they also have promotions where you can get money off of your purchase in addition to in-house financing. The only problem is that for the initial purchase and creation of the ring, you need to be in the store. After that, you can pay over the phone, but the purchase needs to be in person. Aaaaand, they're only a northwest store.

Oh darn. Guess that means I have to drag C up here ;) (Like I've been planning to...) I'm going to show him the ring online, and we'll see what he says about taking an ID trip sometime this or next year.

But I overdid it yesterday, what with doing yoga and running errands and walking the mall for a couple of hours, and then giving a massage on top of that... Oh, I am feeling it today! And I had coffee yesterday... bad girl, I know. I need to be good to myself... but I felt like being good to myself yesterday was allowing myself a treat. And it sure was delicious :)

I'll be seeing H later today, and we'll be going over wedding stuff... so excited! Last night, after errands were all finished, we ate supper and were going to watch a movie but couldn't get the tv working. Instead, we all sat around and talked, and it was really good. W, J's intended, was there, and I got to know him a little better. (He was the one I massaged, after all!) Of course, the topics turned to theology, but it was cool because D got really into the conversation, and it was like I could see the old D just shining through again. It was a good feeling.

Also, while at the mall, my friend L from this area called me, and we had a really good conversation. I have a few guy friends that I can have real good convos with, like JC, and L (to my surprise!) turned out to be one of them. We talked for a good 45 minutes before I had to go because I got another call. He told me all about how he met and married his wife, who is a total sweetie, and we talked about how I met and got together with C, and we talked theology and church, and we actually believe much the same way. It was a relief to know that I'm not the only one who's studied and had experiences and come to the same conclusions! It was interesting, too, because some of his comments about convos we've had in the past and conclusions he drew from them showed me that he is actually very, very insightful, and he's basically got me pegged, even though I didn't realize it :) I also realized that I give away a lot more of my inner life than I previously thought. I'm not as inscrutable as I think that I am. Alas. lol

So it's been good already, being here, and I'm very glad I came... no matter how difficult it is to see D this way. At first, I felt like the D I knew was already dead and gone, but last night showed me that he's still in there... buried under layers of suffering. I understand how that is in a lot of ways, because the fibro had me so beaten down with fatigue and pain at one point that I didn't even realize I wasn't myself until I got on the meds that have helped buoy me back up closer to normal. For D, though, there will be none of that. At this point, the only release he will have will be death... and I almost wish it upon him.

He's in so much pain... he's so sick... I don't like seeing him suffer so. I know he wants to hang on, which is why he wanted to try the chemo, because I mean, who wants to die? Of course he wants to stick around as long as possible, to see his girls get married, to spend as much time with his wife as possible, but... I mean... he's so sick. I almost wish he'd give up, if only for his sake.

And I feel like a total traitor writing that. It's one thing to wish your enemies dead, but to wish your loved ones dead? It's a strange, strange feeling, even if it is motivated by love.

Ugh. Ugh and Argh. I'm tired of fighting back tears, and I'm tired of crying, 'cause here I go again.

Damn. I knew this was gonna be hard, I just didn't know how hard. At least when Larry died a few years ago, it was sudden. There was nothing any of us could have done. I didn't get to say goodbye, but he didn't linger, and he was the happiest he'd ever been when he went.

I'm so glad I don't live here anymore. I'd be broken beyond repair. Even now, I feel myself cracking...

Oh D... I don't want you to go, and yet I don't want you to stay if it means you have to live like this...

This? This is... yeah. I'm fairly certain that this is hell.

0 thoughts:

Post a Comment