I gotta be kinder to myself, more careful.

Even after getting a solid 8 hours of sleep last night (how often has that happened lately? I slept through the whole night!!), I was so exhausted this morning that I was literally falling asleep in the realtor's office as we went over paperwork. Oops.

I made it through, but a nap when I got home was oh-so-welcome.

I realized that this fibro flare has messed me up more than I thought it did or would (it was so unanticipated, but it makes total sense...), and that I've been thinking of my recovery in the wrong terms. I thought of my recovery from the colonoscopy and subsequent flare as kind of a spike-- I'd be low for a day, then I'd go back up to normal levels, right?

Well, in reality, it's more like a slope, a grade. I have to gradually work my way back up to feeling okay, and it's not gonna happen overnight. Problem is, I've been running my days like I'm not diminished at all, which is really only making things worse. *sigh* I'm my own worst enemy, sometimes.

So I'm working on being more mindful of my health and my energy levels-- especially my energy levels. If I completely exhaust my energy resources, it makes it that much harder the next day, and it just snowballs from there. I still struggle with guilt and self-worth, but C told me point-blank the other day that I don't have to justify not doing a lot of stuff every day. It's okay to bum around if I need to.

I love that man. He helps me keep my balance.

On another note, we made an offer on a house this morning! We are looking to hear from the seller by Monday to see if they will accept it, and if they do then the offer will go to their lender, which will take... a while. It's a short sale, meaning that the seller owes more on the house than it's worth, so the bank is the one that decides whether or not to accept the offer, ultimately. We'll see how it goes... but we're keeping our eyes open to see if anything we like as much or better pops up in the meantime. Estimated closing date at this point is April 14th, I think.

The rest of the day has been good. We were at the realtor's early, then we swung by Home Depot, because I delegated the creation of the wax seal to C, and he needed a few parts to make it work. He's really running with it, making it very functional. I was just gonna hot glue a few pieces together and call it good, but the very idea appalled C. He was so passionate in his rebuttal of my plans that I gave him complete control over it, and he's really putting some energy into it. It's really cool to see him working on wedding stuff right alongside me :) Next weekend, he, B, and D will be going to get their tuxes/suits fitted. They would have done it by now, but life's been throwing stuff in the way and it just hasn't happened yet.

After swinging by Subway for some food for C and Starbuck's for a drink for me (what a rare treat!), we headed home to eat. I took a nap, then headed out to the Ren Faire that S is working this weekend. I took a little bit of money with me, but, I mean, come on... it's the Ren Faire! And they accept credit cards? So I spent a little bit of next week's paycheck on a dagger, and some of this week's allowance on a simply gorgeous leather collar with a silver filigree heart dangling from the front and a silver heart shaped padlock on the clasp. I went back to the booth 3 times before I finally decided to go ahead and purchase it! But I knew that it was one of those things that, if I didn't, I'd regret for a really long time.

I must have looked great today, because I got flirted with a lot. The last thing I did was go to this juggling show, and the juggler, A the Bawdy Juggler, was making very sexual jokes the whole time... but I did find them funny. Adult humor, I guess. Anyway, he picked on me a few times while I was in the crowd (along with other folks), but he pulled me up on stage for the last act. It was fun and funny, but he was very sexual in his humor and was making some pretty bold advances, so I kept him in his place. I'd elbow him in the ribs or slap his hand if he got too fresh, and I made a few verbal jabs of my own. It was sweet of him, though, to ask if I was doing okay, because I had been sitting on my walker (no way was I gonna walk around for several hours without it, not the way I've been feeling lately!!), and he wanted to make sure I could stand for that long. Periodically while I was up there he would ask in an aside voice if I was doing alright. I knew what he meant, and told him I was fine.

A few months ago, I would have been so embarrassed and horrified by the situation and the adult humor, but considering my recent "uninhibiting", I did just fine. I blushed a few times, because let's face it-- some things are private and just not funny. But for the most part I enjoyed myself. Plus, let's be honest... it was flattering :) After the show I had several people from the audience approach me and tell me how much funnier it was with my involvement, and that I did a good job. I'm going to laugh so hard if I get stopped in, like, Walmart or something by someone who saw the show!

I leave for Id in a few days. I realized it with a jolt today, because it's come up so fast! I need to create packing lists, and prepare my food for travel. It's going to be so good to see my family again...

I will have to tone myself down and bind myself back in some ways, though, and I don't mind. Out of respect for their lifestyle, the values they hold, and the way they are trying to raise K, I don't mind getting rid of a few things temporarily for the sake of those I love. The jewelry will go, of course (though there's not much I can do about the piercings-- the lobes have to stay in, and my cartilage will close if I leave it out too long... but they're simple, inoffensive little silver studs. They don't attract much attention... I hope.), and I'll be watching my language as I've become more casual in my use of expletives. I don't mind going to church with them at all, nor joining in family prayer or any other spiritual activities.

I can mold myself to fit in more, and I don't mind. First of all, this is my family, and I value their long-term health and wellness as a family unit as well as individuals. Would I risk the possibility of strife and discord after I'm gone just so I can be free to express myself? Hardly! I don't need jewelry, and I can go without it. Not a big deal. Also, it's short term. I'm only up there for a few days. So not a big deal for me to go with their grain while I'm with them.

I do need to start preparing, though... I'd put it away, figuring I'd get ready when the time came upon me. Well, it's upon me, soooo...

I'm excited! Yet, at the same time, not... because I know it's gonna be a hard trip, both emotionally and physically (there's no way I'm gonna be up to "normal" in just two days, so I'll still be diminished physically, and also the reason behind my trip is just so sad...

0 thoughts:

Post a Comment