And now, God has brought me to this place, for such a time as this? Yes, it is death. Death of my coping mechanisms, my selfish survival tactics, my determined yet subconscious avoidance... Death. For such a time as this. Hmm.
Had a few interesting thoughts/experiences today that I need to record for posterity's sake (otherwise I'll lose them). I was picking strawberries, thinking about the sermon I'd recently given entitled, "All Strawberries Go To Heaven", and I was daydreaming about raising my own strawberries someday. Well, the thought actually brought a few twinges of panic, because trying something new inevitably opens the door to a risk of failure... and I hate failure. I instinctively shy away from the mere possibility. And then it hit me... knowing alot about strawberries and actually growing them are two different things. Similarily (sic), knowing alot about theology or present truth or what the seven trumpets actually said is different from an actual Christian walk. And, when I mentioned this thoughtlet to D, he brought out the point that you really have to just try it. You may stumble, you may fall, your berries may not grow right (right now, we have a little "cat face" going on in some of our beds--a deficiency in boron, apparently), but you get up, dust off, adjust, and keep going. That's what following Christ is like. That alternately relieves and frightens me, because a.) that means that God will not abandon me if I'm not perfect the first time around, b.) it takes away the mask and makes it "real". I mean, this is no cartoon, no masquerade ball. This is real life-- trying, tripping, getting up again and asking God to heal the scrapes (or put in stitches... or do surgery, as the case may be)... I guess. Not that I would know from experience yet, really... but I do anticipate taking these things to heart for myself. I guess that's why we need to "walk humbly" with God (Micah 6:8), because that way we won't have far to fall. :)
Second thing. I was driving to Farmer's Market this afternoon, the instruments safely nestled down into the back floorboards, a glorious bouquet chaperoning me from the passenger seat, and the strawberries happily ensconced in my trunk. I was singing, of course, and also thinking, and praying a little. "I want to be connected to you, but I don't know how right now... I'm just... befuddled by darkness." The song "In Christ Alone" came on, and I sang along without thinking. Then, like a flash, one of the verses cut through my mental fog and hit me right in the smackaroo.
There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me,
For I am His, and He is mine--
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
It occurred to me-- Jesus already defeated the darkness! He didn't just rot in the ground, he came back to life. If he can beat the darkness once, he can surely defy the darkness in my life. I know he can. I believe he can. What's more, I believe he will.
Third thing: Stop judging people by appearances, Cassandra. You can't know what they're thinking. Jessica, Heather, Mark, and Amber were really nice people, just like you were hoping they would be. Maybe you all can be friends? Anyway, it's not your place to judge them, remember that. And it doesn't matter if you don't look like that anymore. Don't stereotype yourself either, woman!
Oh, and I've been taking lots of pictures in the garden. *sigh* I love photography. While the fam is gone, I have the responsibility of picking produce, which makes me nervous... I don't want to pick the wrong thing, or mess anything up. I am still learning what everything is! But I do know that zucchini is by the rhubarb (if I can find that!), that berries need picking (which I already know how to do), and that tomatoes can be picked as well. I can probably get some tomatillos in as well. I also have left over produce from market today to sell. It's going to be a busy week. How glad I am for the bounty of the earth!
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