Peace.

So, get this.... I submitted my will to God's.

Yeah. I did it.

I mean, I've read about it countless times. It sounds so good, so Christian. It's the way you're supposed to do things if you're a Jesus follower, right?

Which is why I'd been trying and trying for years to do it. And I had. Kinda. As much as I could.

I realize now, though, that it is definitely dependent and in proportion to the level of trust you have towards God. I didn't trust God. Thus, I couldn't ever really hand over the reins and say, "Here. Take control."

Why would I? I would only get hurt... again.

But now, now that God has answered my challenge and, one baby step at a time, brought me to a place where I can say that I actually trust him (who would have thunk it?), I find that I can actually say, with genuine honesty, "I want what you want for me."

So I submitted.

It started the other day, when I was so worn out and worn down with people. I went for a walk, and sat by a creek. I fumed a while, then calmed down and just listened to the water... thought about God... started praying. Inside, I wanted to surrender, but I didn't know quite how, or what to say. I wanted it to be genuine, not some rote thing to make my life run a little smoother. So I sat a while longer. I asked God to help me.

Then, I felt that I could genuinely give God the permission to be in control of my life that day. After I did, I sat a while longer, and a beautiful, wordless revelation came to me.

Even if I don't feel any better... God is still in control.

Whoa. What? 

This is a foreign concept to me. All my life, my emotions have been... the determiners of my reality, I guess. I feel this way, thus it is. I feel like a failure, so I must be. 

They were my barometer to determine what was going on around me. They were my reflexes to keep me safe. They shaped my world. I had nothing else.

But now... I didn't feel any better emotionally as I sat by that stream. I was still tired, frazzled, and worn. But there was a solidity underlying it all now, and I just knew.... even if I don't feel any better, it's okay. That's okay. My emotions will change eventually. No matter what I'm feeling, God's in control. Happy, sad, indifferent, grieving, whatever.

Hello, epiphany!

That realization led to others in quick succession. I realized that I've been so stressing over this guy because I've been trying to take it into my own hands. I surrendered that, too. I had tried doing that with GM, but I wasn't able to really trust God with it at that point, so I just kept worrying and stressing.

When I saw this guy again the other day, I realized... I have peace. I have peace! I'm able to be okay with him now because I know that God's got this, and he'll let us know one way or the other. I'm just keeping a sharp eye and ear out. Seriously, if this isn't the guy/relationship for me, it's because there's something better.

It's so nice to be able to relax around him again. Whew.

And then, this morning... I didn't get the job in North Dakota. And I have peace. I surrendered this to God. I asked him to do the best thing, to open and close doors accordingly. He did, and so I'm not worried. I'm not going to school this fall, either, 'cause that door closed. So... it's okay.

It's really a trip to live life this way. It almost feels like cheating. And, while I know that these feelings of happiness and contentment won't last forever, I'm enjoying them while I have them.

My new goal with my sponsor is to learn to live one day at a time, and to enjoy one moment at a time. I'm starting to pray about that. I want to be sensitive to God throughout the day, but when I'm so living in the future, it's impossible.

Well, the amazing thing is, D gave me a beautiful devotional at racquetball yesterday (a late birthday present), and here's the reading for today. It's perfect. :)

"Trust Me one day at a time. This keeps you close to Me, responsive to My will. Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded. My Spirit within you is your resident Tutor, helping you in this supernatural endeavor. Yield to His gentle touch, be sensitive to His prompting.

Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don't let your need to understand distract you from My Presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don't get tangled up in its worry-webs. Trust Me one day at a time."

Thanks, God. I'm excited about our future together.