Feelings can be a pain.
Like, you know those days when your hair just won't do anything that remotely resembles cute, no matter how many different styles you try?
Sometimes my feelings are like that. They're just... there. Blah. And no amount of mental gymnastics changes them.
What makes it worse is that both my hair and my feelings are like that today.
And it's not that I'm being crippled by my emotions, that I'm not capable of performing my daily, necessary tasks, because, really... I don't have anything going on today. Tomorrow's the day I have to pack and cook and whatnot. I'll do some of that today, but mostly I'll just be babysitting my friend's house. I've already done what I needed to today, and I've got the rest of the day to kick it, go grocery shopping, and watch funny movies. Oh, and de-lump the cat.
So why am I down about that?
Seriously, brain, what is so wrong with not filling every single hour with activity, with having to feel like you've earned the right to not be actively busy?
And when I don't feel social... I chastise myself for that. But I can be alone if I want to. I don't have to go to every single church function. I don't. I can stay home and watch movies and still be an okay person.
And then there's C. We're carpooling to the Ren Fair together... and I'm looking forward to it. Not because there's anything romantic between us, but I still like his personality, I still enjoy spending time with him... but I feel guilty about that. Like I shouldn't, somehow, be involving him in my life. Like it's bad for me to be friends with him. Like I'm bad for spending time with him, and especially for enjoying it. And especially because I don't have some legit excuse, like getting my crockpot back. (That was last time. lol) Nope.
What makes it even more condemning is that we're going up Sat night and we have to stay the night somewhere. For the sake of finances, we've agreed that "roughing it" in the truck overnight is cool with both of us, since neither of us know a place outside of a motel that we could stay up there. So, I'm spending the night in a truck with my ex-fiance. How about that.
*cue guilt, shame, and self-condemnation, mixed with a little rebellion and self-protective protest*
Sigh... But, I mean, it's the Ren Fair. I'll endure just about anything to get there... even self-induced psychological warfare.
So, what I need to know now is... how do I trust God in the middle of this? What does it mean to "be still and know that I am God" right now? How do I rest in the arms of God when it's all emotional?
Jesus, what do I do? How do I trust you? Only show me the way...
*Caveat: I'm not romantically interested in C anymore, by the way. I've realized that our lives are based on totally different principles, and as a result... I'm not interested. Still like him, but not like "that". Just so we're clear on that.*
Like, you know those days when your hair just won't do anything that remotely resembles cute, no matter how many different styles you try?
Sometimes my feelings are like that. They're just... there. Blah. And no amount of mental gymnastics changes them.
What makes it worse is that both my hair and my feelings are like that today.
And it's not that I'm being crippled by my emotions, that I'm not capable of performing my daily, necessary tasks, because, really... I don't have anything going on today. Tomorrow's the day I have to pack and cook and whatnot. I'll do some of that today, but mostly I'll just be babysitting my friend's house. I've already done what I needed to today, and I've got the rest of the day to kick it, go grocery shopping, and watch funny movies. Oh, and de-lump the cat.
So why am I down about that?
Seriously, brain, what is so wrong with not filling every single hour with activity, with having to feel like you've earned the right to not be actively busy?
And when I don't feel social... I chastise myself for that. But I can be alone if I want to. I don't have to go to every single church function. I don't. I can stay home and watch movies and still be an okay person.
And then there's C. We're carpooling to the Ren Fair together... and I'm looking forward to it. Not because there's anything romantic between us, but I still like his personality, I still enjoy spending time with him... but I feel guilty about that. Like I shouldn't, somehow, be involving him in my life. Like it's bad for me to be friends with him. Like I'm bad for spending time with him, and especially for enjoying it. And especially because I don't have some legit excuse, like getting my crockpot back. (That was last time. lol) Nope.
What makes it even more condemning is that we're going up Sat night and we have to stay the night somewhere. For the sake of finances, we've agreed that "roughing it" in the truck overnight is cool with both of us, since neither of us know a place outside of a motel that we could stay up there. So, I'm spending the night in a truck with my ex-fiance. How about that.
*cue guilt, shame, and self-condemnation, mixed with a little rebellion and self-protective protest*
Sigh... But, I mean, it's the Ren Fair. I'll endure just about anything to get there... even self-induced psychological warfare.
So, what I need to know now is... how do I trust God in the middle of this? What does it mean to "be still and know that I am God" right now? How do I rest in the arms of God when it's all emotional?
Jesus, what do I do? How do I trust you? Only show me the way...
*Caveat: I'm not romantically interested in C anymore, by the way. I've realized that our lives are based on totally different principles, and as a result... I'm not interested. Still like him, but not like "that". Just so we're clear on that.*
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