Guess who voluntarily went to sing at the retirement home today? And guess who actually enjoyed herself? AND, guess who went around and shook all the old people's hands? That's right! I guess I'm just shocked to hear myself saying, "I'll see you next time!" and actually meaning it.
There was a guy there that reminded me of D. Ouch, my poor heart. Just when I thought I was over him... It's been almost a year since... all of that. My, how time flies.
Went to a Single's Ministry hangout thing tonight. I was kinda nervous, and a little skittish, because really? Single's Ministry? Like, can't we hang out without awkwardly branding this as a gettogether for single people ONLY? Oh, well.
It was significantly less awkward than I had anticipated, largely due to the fact that most everyone there had grey hair.
Anyway, we watched the movie Courageous, which was, as predicted, excellent. It's a far cry from the forced dialogue and stiff facial expressions of Flywheel. Sherwood Church has really come a long way, and I'm proud of them.
It brought up some pain for me, though.
I really, really, really wish I had a godly daddy.
Why do J and K get that, but not me? And why was it such a trial and tribulation to share a part of that? Of course, I can't blame them... if I had something like that, I probably wouldn't want to share it, either.
I just... I dunno. I'm just really sad that my dad knows who I am, but has never made an effort to see me... or even talk to me anymore. I'm really sad that the guy who married my mom, knowing that he was taking on the responsibility of two and a half children (he'd already gotten mom pregnant) chose not to love me, cherish me, and encourage me, but to destroy and humiliate me. I'm really sad that pretty much every guy I've ever consciously or unconsciously looked to for guidance and direction and fatherly wisdom has turned out to be a creep, a liar, a druggie, a drunk, a molester, or a combination of all those.
R is a good father. Don't get me wrong. But there's still somewhat of a gap there, because he isn't basing his fathering off of God's model. He loves me, and he provides for me, and he gives me good advice, but he never saw fatherhood modeled either. But do I dare ask for more? What is it I'm looking for? R's a good man, and a good dad to me. How can I want more than that?
Maybe I'm just looking for God. God's my father, right?
Maybe it's too late for me to have a daddy.
Maybe it's why I'm so attracted to older men.
God's brought me spiritual sisters, brothers, and mothers... but where is my father?
...where is my father?
There was a guy there that reminded me of D. Ouch, my poor heart. Just when I thought I was over him... It's been almost a year since... all of that. My, how time flies.
Went to a Single's Ministry hangout thing tonight. I was kinda nervous, and a little skittish, because really? Single's Ministry? Like, can't we hang out without awkwardly branding this as a gettogether for single people ONLY? Oh, well.
It was significantly less awkward than I had anticipated, largely due to the fact that most everyone there had grey hair.
Anyway, we watched the movie Courageous, which was, as predicted, excellent. It's a far cry from the forced dialogue and stiff facial expressions of Flywheel. Sherwood Church has really come a long way, and I'm proud of them.
It brought up some pain for me, though.
I really, really, really wish I had a godly daddy.
Why do J and K get that, but not me? And why was it such a trial and tribulation to share a part of that? Of course, I can't blame them... if I had something like that, I probably wouldn't want to share it, either.
I just... I dunno. I'm just really sad that my dad knows who I am, but has never made an effort to see me... or even talk to me anymore. I'm really sad that the guy who married my mom, knowing that he was taking on the responsibility of two and a half children (he'd already gotten mom pregnant) chose not to love me, cherish me, and encourage me, but to destroy and humiliate me. I'm really sad that pretty much every guy I've ever consciously or unconsciously looked to for guidance and direction and fatherly wisdom has turned out to be a creep, a liar, a druggie, a drunk, a molester, or a combination of all those.
R is a good father. Don't get me wrong. But there's still somewhat of a gap there, because he isn't basing his fathering off of God's model. He loves me, and he provides for me, and he gives me good advice, but he never saw fatherhood modeled either. But do I dare ask for more? What is it I'm looking for? R's a good man, and a good dad to me. How can I want more than that?
Maybe I'm just looking for God. God's my father, right?
Maybe it's too late for me to have a daddy.
Maybe it's why I'm so attracted to older men.
God's brought me spiritual sisters, brothers, and mothers... but where is my father?
...where is my father?
0 thoughts: