A dark place

This evening, I've had the urge to take every single painkiller that I have... just to see if it'll make a difference.

Of course, C says that I'm not allowed to die before him, so...

...that's kind of the only thing stopping me at this particular moment in time. C, that is, and the knowledge of what it would do to him for me to end so abruptly this little life we're building together. Because it would be really nice to be dead, for a change. No more pain.

I don't like being in this frame of mind, and I'm trying (half-heartedly) to resist it. But I just don't feel like I can do this anymore.

I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't understand why it won't stop, it never stops, it never ever freaking just stops!

Maybe if I had a reason, some sort of... something. But there is no reason, no rhyme, no cause other than "my body hates me".

I am tired. I am tired deep inside, in the very marrow of my bones, in the crevices of my soul and the nooks of my brain.

I am tired of hurting. I'm tired of being nauseous. I'm tired of being feverish and battling hot/cold flashes. I'm tired of this damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don't situation with eating. I'm tired of headaches. I'm tired of pills and thyroid problems and adrenal fluctuations and fatigue, fatigue, fatigue. (What I wouldn't give to go back to my pre-fibro levels of fatigue! I don't even want "normal" at this point, I just want what I used to have...) I'm tired of not being able to eat a damn thing. I am tired of giving up my life, inch by inch, to this monster that seems to have possessed my body. I am tired of using a walking stick. I am tired of needing a walker, tie-dye awesomeness though it may be. I am tired of having to explain myself over and over again. I am tired of doctor's offices and blood draws and medical bills. I'm tired of asking my dad for money, day in and day out. I'm tired of asking C to massage various parts of my body. (Wait, no-- what am I thinking?! That's a silly one.)

I'm tired of fighting. I can't do this anymore... yet I have no choice.

Tomorrow comes, inevitably... and odds are I'll be around to endure it. What I am dealing with is not fatal, unfortunately.

I don't want to do this anymore. I really don't. I'm ready to throw in the towel and hand this off to someone else. Anyone else.

The worst part is... no one can do a damned thing, including me. I'm already doing everything I can... and it's not helping.

Poor C. I cried all over him again, spilling all this junk about how I can't do this anymore, I'm not strong enough, I'm tired, I can't keep fighting, I don't want to keep fighting, why does it hurt so much, why won't it stop, I'm so tired of hurting, etc. etc.

All he could do was hold me and rub my back.

No words. Just an embrace.

All I needed.

And yet, I still cry.

There's a lot of despair bottled up in there.

For those who think I'm always cheerful... welcome to the dark side.

There are no cookies.

2 thoughts:

  • Tamara Epps | April 14, 2013 at 1:56 PM

    I completely understand what you're saying in this post as I feel the same a lot of the time. But as we don't have a choice I guess we'll just continue trundling on but hopefully with support around us so that we can remember how loved and important we are (clearly, you're important to C, so he must know how awesome you are - trust his judgement). Hopefully you will start having some positive in your life soon as those are the days to live for.

  • Invictus | April 15, 2013 at 1:16 AM

    Thanks, Tamara, for the encouragement. You're so right-- "...continue trundling on but hopefully with support around us so that we can remember how loved and important we are..." I have an AMAZING support system. It's easy to forget that sometimes when the pain gets overwhelming, but I appreciate the reminder. They have proven themselves again and again, and even in this dark time have stepped up to help carry me through... C included, of course.

    Here's wishing for some positive in your life, too! :)

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