Frustrated and isolated

Why am I even here right now? Here, on this blog? I have things to do...

...but I'm so tired. And I hurt. And I'm tired of hurting and being tired.

I feel like I just can't get it together.

God, I'm just so sick of living this way!

Sorry, sorry... I'm just worn out and tired and frustrated right now.

It's not even like I'm hurting that much, relatively. It's that intense background pain that's annoying and draining, but not painful enough to really cause a limp or make you feel justified in being frustrated... Then again, it's all relative, these days. I don't even have a pain scale anymore. There is no "on a scale of one to ten...", because I'm always hurting. I'm always in pain, goddammit! And it wears me out, it tears me down, and it feels like even though I'm doing everything I can to fight and to claw my way out of this razor-lined pit, nothing is happening. My hands are bloody, my sides are heaving, and I'm still no closer to the light than I was before.

I'm draining my family's resources, and for what? So I can sit here on the couch, covered in sweat and tears, and just be frustrated and ruined?

I never asked for this, you know. Who the hell would?

And I'm tired of crying to C. I feel like I'm dragging him down, you know? I depend on him so much, and I feel like that's totally not fair. But I don't have anyone else that I feel I can lean on like that, not here anyway. I've got a few friends, but... in truth, I feel very isolated and alone.

I've got my online friends and support groups, and I've got my bestie, and I've got my family, but they're all so far away. Who is here to share C's burden, the burden that I put on him? Hardly a one. There's C, who helps me clean my house, which is amazing, but she's got her own dad to take care of, plus she's trying to keep her head above water with school. I feel like I'm asking so much of her just by accepting her help. There's D, my brother in law, but we don't have the kind of relationship where I can go crying to him... He will help where he can, bringing me food when I'm sick and all, but... we just don't have a "feely" kind of relationship. Maybe the years will change that, but for now... yeah.

There's D, my almost-sorta-mother-in-law, but again... I don't know if we have the sort of relationship where I can go crying to her. Also, I'm not sure she understands the whole chronic illness/pain thing. Last time we discussed my health problems, she launched into suggestion mode. I appreciate her intent, but I'm already trying to fix myself, and I'm frustrated enough with what I'm doing. No more cures, please!!

There's my grandparents, but they live half an hour away, so it's a trek to go out there and see them, one that wears me out. There's E, but she is constantly frazzled and stressed to the max, so there's no way in hell I'm going to add anything to her burdens. I know she understands, because she has chronic pain herself with her arthritis, but I don't want to go to her because she has troubles enough of her own. There's BJ, but... well, I already went over what happens when we talk about my illnesses. It doesn't seem to end well.

And I know that I'm so lucky to have so many people in my support network, both near and far. I am. I know this. But I wish... I mean... I just...

I miss the S's. I miss J, my mentor. I miss H. Those are the kind of people that I wish I had around me, here and now. The kind of people that will hug me and hold me while I cry, understand without trying to fix me, and then make me laugh when all the tears are out. Maybe make some tea together, or go for a drive along the Selway. Watch a movie. I dunno. But I know they're like that because they did the exact thing for me while I was tromping through the raw battleground of my abuse and dark baggage from the past. This feels a lot like that, and I wish that I had them here with me.

But they're not. I have C, but man... I feel like I'm draining the life out of him, squeezing around him like our snake and crushing his bones. I know he feels helpless-- what can he do? How can he help? I'm still in pain when it's all said and done.

So I'll sit here alone, face streaked with tears and sobs racking my body... waiting for yet another pain killer to kick in and the heating pad to do its work.

I hate this existence so much. Fibromyalgia, UCTD, hypothyroidism, and food allergies... I hate your guts. You stole my fucking life, and I want it back.

I understand right now the appeal of a deity, a personal one... you know, the whole "Jesus is always with you" kind of thing? I get it. I really do. It's the cry of a tired and lonely heart that needs someone to just be there, to understand, someone who you can't overburden or burn out. Got it. But you know... nahhhh. I won't go there. Not right now.

So, I guess I'm done ranting. The tears and sobs have kinda dried up. The table is covered in wadded used tissues, and my cup of tea is probably cold. No, wait... there are still some tears back there.... but that's okay. They'll come, and I'll let them, but I'm done typing. The pain is getting worse. I'm done.

That's pretty much the summary of my life this evening, or how I feel about it anyway.

I'm done.

3 thoughts:

  • Optimistic Existentialist | May 1, 2013 at 4:55 AM

    I'd imagine this was cathartic to be able to write this and open up. I am sorry that you're going through such a hard time my friend. We're always here to listen and read though...

  • Anonymous | May 1, 2013 at 5:16 AM

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  • Cassandra | May 2, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    Yes, it was very cathartic. That's kind of why I started this blog in the first place... when I was working through a lot of the issues surrounding my past and the abuse I went through, this blog was my refuge. Seems that it supplies that function yet again!

    I appreciate your comments, and look forward to them. Thanks for the support :)

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