What happened?

So what happened, you ask, to provoke such a sadly bewildered post followed by several days of silence? I'll just copy and paste sections from emails with good friends explaining the situation, rather than type it all up again.

"I just had some drama with being let down by a person who promised to do a certain thing... my "adopted" (sorta related by marriage) uncle offered to send me money every month for these two medicines to help with my fibro and said he would be my med provider for life, but today I got an email saying that he got back together with a long distance girlfriend so he will be using his money for that instead. He was all up in arms because he had contacted me saying "hey, my girlfriend called and we got back together, so I want to split the money between you guys alternating months". I told him that the meds are a consistent thing, and it's gotta be all or nothing. I even floated the idea of his girlfriend coming to visit him.. you know, since he had already promised to help me. But then he responded with affrontery, saying that he was uncomfortable or hurt or something because it felt like I was making him choose between her or me. Um, hello?! You put me in that position!! So now he's written me off, choosing the girlfriend.

I just feel... abandoned. Disappointed. Like some hope for getting better has been taken away after I dared to get my hopes up... You know we can't afford the meds on our own. There are no generics for either of them, and the copay is high. So that's what's going on. It just brings up a bunch of stuff with trust and abandonment issues, you know? Especially because he literally said, "I choose D. See you later." Ouch.

He had said all of this "I love you so much, you're my favorite niece, you light up my life, I'm so happy to be helping you out", etc. And now I don't know if I can believe any of it... because the moment that things got uncomfortable him (by his own fault, he shouldn't have promised if he couldn't make good on it... or if he was just going to take it back) he dropped me like a hot potato. Where's the love now?

I guess what makes me the angriest is that I never asked for this. He offered, from the beginning. He pushed the issue. I accepted his help a little uncomfortably, because it's hard for me to accept help.. and I even told him this. I was very honest about my guilt with receiving help from people, especially when money is involved. And now my past has been validated. Again. Accepting help from people just gets you screwed over and hurt. (I know, intellectually and from the work I've done and the books I've read that it's not true but... it has been proven so true in my life, it's hard not to believe it.)

So yeah. I trusted an older male, not exactly a father figure, and I was hurt and abandoned. Again. And I accepted help, against all my inner precautions against it... and I was dropped and left behind. I don't think that any of this was through any fault of my own, but then it never is, is it?

Bleh."

J responded with, "Ugh this makes me so angry too..

I'm sorry. No, you didn't deserve this. At all. I don't know him at all or any circumstances, but he sounds like a jerk. At any rate, he sure treated you harshly and thoughtlessly. Perhaps he somehow really doesn't understand what a big deal his offer was? I dunno. I don't want to defend him. (Well, I kinda do because it's so hard to imagine someone being so unkind to you!) 

He had no business to make an offer like that and then take it back for such a DUMB reason! Seriously. Dumb. What kind of girlfriend is this, anyways, that he has to send her money?!?"

"He's not sending her money, he's going to visit her because it's a long-distance relationship. I suggested that maybe she could come to visit him, and that's when I got the "break up" email LOL.

I dunno if he's a jerk, per se... he has cerebral palsy, so I don't think his social skills are exactly up to par. But he had been going on several times about how happy he was to be helping me, and about how he had been wanting to help someone for a while but no one would let him or he couldn't find someone or something, but now he could help me and he was so happy about it. And now... this.

C said that he didn't think he was too stable to begin with. I guess not. He's kinda gone back and forth on the thing a little the past few weeks before this. I just didn't really see it, because I was a lot closer to the situation... and so hopeful.

I don't think he did understand what a big deal his offer was... though I was very honest with him about how hard it was for me accept help. He shoulda got it.

Thanks for standing up for me :) It makes me feel good to know you've got my back. I posted a facebook status in the midst of my anger and hurt yesterday that said "I'm broken. I'm done, and I don't care anymore.", and I got three private messages and a bunch of affirming, sympathetic, and supportive comments. One of my friends, after learning what happened, offered to send me some money to help with the med costs. I thanked her but turned her down, because it's a monthly thing you know. But I do feel super affirmed and supported."

After responding to the "break up" email, he responded with an apologetic letter and later pled for me to give him another chance to try to make this work. I turned him down, because now I see that I can't rely on him to be stable or consistent. As J pointed out in another correspondence, I shouldn't doubt his sincerity, just his ability to follow through on this. So we're still "friends", or uncle and niece, or whatever, but... it has still taken a toll on me, even though it got straightened out.

I've mentally worked through this, but my emotions have been kinda haywire since, and I've been very restless and almost jittery. The past two days I overdid it by far with cleaning and organizing, but it was like I had/have this pathological need to just stay busy and keep doing, doing, doing. It's not the Should Monster, as M made that distinction, but it's more of a driving need to just... I dunno. Not be helpless? To do something? To be in control of a measure of my life again? Regardless, I felt the effects of overdoing it today with a very low level of spoons and some other unpleasant symptoms that cropped up after I accidentally used up all of my energy this morning. 

On the bright side, I did my makeup today (eye shadow, liner, mascara, lipstick, the whole nine yards!) and I looked hot, especially now that I'm a redhead :) (Doing the makeup is part of what took up so much energy, especially because I also showered, and I had to stand for both of these activities.) While I was in the parking lot of the library today, a stranger doubled back to talk to me, and told me that he hoped I didn't think him presumptuous but that I was beautiful. (He also said he had a thing for redheads lol) It really made me smile, especially because I was on the cusp of throwing up, so I didn't feel all that beautiful at the moment! So I smiled at him and wished him a great day. It was nice. Very nice. Especially because I've been a bit insecure about my appearance lately, having put on weight. It's hard when you go from being quite skinny to chunkier, because you've got that image of what you looked like before that you're comparing yourself to. It's hard for me to see past that and look at myself objectively to realize that I am, indeed, attractive... even with a thicker waist. On the bright side, my bosom has also increased, and C is a boob man, so that works out well.

C assures me that I'm still sexually attractive, and I'm glad for that. It's about time for me to hit the hay, so maybe I'll go see if I can get him to prove it...