That's right-- I pierced my nose! Did it last Tuesday while in Wisconsin. And I got the next set of lobe piercings. Eventually I want to be pierced all the way up to the top of the ear, but that'll take time. I have to baby my nose ring, because I'm so prone to infection and it is catching a slight infection, but I'm not worried. I'm treating it real good.

I have so much to write about, but I need to fall asleep about 2 hours ago, as I'm working the final day of this season's gun show in a few short hours. Buenas nachos, all. Just wanted to commemorate my bad-assery. ^_^

So. Birthday party! It was, naturally, not as bright and sparkly as I would have so desired, but it sufficed. As with all things of life there were pros and cons, disappointments and happy surprises.

I was running pretty low on energy the day before and the day of my birthday, but with Drogo's help I accomplished everything that was of the utmost importance (including checking on the status of my insurance now that I'm magically 26!), and it was a fun night.

I was upset, looking back on the pictures, at just how, um, rotund I have become. It really, really bothered me because I had been okay and accepting of it before-ish, but seeing it all in your face like that? Kind of a shock. Anyway, we're working on my rogue thyroid and trying to get me all stable, but that's not what this is about right now. All muffin-tops aside, we had cake and spontaneous pizza and soda and just a grand old time. Unexpectedly, I got a few presents which was awesome. I also got a few donations toward the Celebirthsary, which is rad.

Here's a few pics from the night.

I saw the neurologist today. While he is more skeptical of fibromyalgia than I'd like (it has no objective test to prove its presence in a person), he seems to know what he's talking about when it comes to other things. In addition, he's friendly and laughs easily, so I will stick with him, at least for now.

When I told him about the twitchies, he immediately began asking questions. He feels that many of the things wrong with me are puzzle pieces, including the fibromyalgia. Indeed, there are several diseases that fibromyalgia mimics the symptoms of, so in reality I could not have fibro at all, but some other disease. Isn't that interesting? So I'll be getting an MRI, an EEG, and some electrical testing in the next few weeks, to see what's going on with my nervous system. Honestly, there are several suspects that we are trying to see if we can rule out, and MS is one of them. Many of the symptoms of MS are the same as fibro, and the twitchies are definitely of a neurological origin, so it's a suspect until we rule it out. Lupus is another. Basically, we're looking at autoimmune causes it seems, although he agrees with me that the big accident back in '06 may actually have something to do with my nervous system dysfunctions.

Other than that, life's been pretty calm. I've had a few more instances of grieving D, but I know it's normal and healthy, so I just go with it and cry it out. C will often hold me while I cry, which is nice.

Have I mentioned lately that I love being married? The more time passes, the more love I am filled with for C, and the more gratitude wells up and overwhelms me. I am so grateful that I chose this path for my life. I am filled with more satisfaction and happiness than I have ever had in my life. My time in Id was very fulfilling, and comes a close second, but the work I was doing to heal from my past adds an element of discord and instability that is lacking in my current life. I have stability, for the first time in my life. Real, honest to goodness stability. I have C to thank for that. He is a Mr. Steady, that's for sure, and he works so hard to make sure that all of our ends meet. I know I can trust him and rely on him to care for me... and our children, eventually. I love that man, more than I thought I was capable of, and it's clear that he loves me as well. Life is good. Loving and being loved, despite whatever financial difficulties we are having... everything else pales in comparison. I am basking in the glow of knowing that I have my own little home, a place that will always be here for me. That doesn't mean that I don't still get restless and have the urge to go on an adventure, but the adventure is sweeter knowing that home is waiting. A real home. My home.

I see the pain specialist tomorrow, and I hope that he can help me. The patch took a few days for the medicine to build up in my system, and it's helping a little, but I'm still quite reliant on painkillers. I feel less shame about using them now, less guilt for taking them. I don't really understand why I feel as though I need to prove myself by enduring large amounts of pain, but I'm realizing that it's pretty silly. If I'm hurting and have the means to lower that pain, why shouldn't I? I would want anyone else to do the same. I do tend to treat myself much more harshly (and abusively) than I would ever treat someone else, but I'm working on overcoming that. I'm still learning how to be kind to myself. It's a long process, but one that is proving worthwhile. I think it's contributing to my satisfaction and joy in life. C is wonderful, but he is not and cannot be my everything. It would be unhealthy for me to expect that. I need to find my own joy and satisfaction outside of him and our relationship, although he does bring me much joy and satisfaction. That's why I'm grateful that I can still work some. It does a lot for my spirit to know that not only am I still somewhat self-reliant, but I am helping others. It's been hard, this loss of independence and control over my life... but I still have some measures of self-reliance left, and I cling to them.

Now I'm just rambling. I ran out of the effective painkillers my rheumatologist gave me to tide me over, so I had to take a large dose of two other painkillers that I still have. It worked, and I feel very relaxed and happy, which I love. I can see how easy it would be to become a prescription pain killer abuser, but that is something that I do not want. That contributes partially to my guilt over pain meds. I'm afraid that by enjoying the relief from pain and the mild euphoria that the drugs sometimes bring, I am choosing the path of the drug abuser. I know that's not the case, but enjoying the effects of the pain killers frightens me in a way. The weather has been forcing me to take more pain killers than I would normally (the barometric pressure is all over the place!), but I have other, more active ways to relieve the pain as well. C claims that I'm going to kill him with wanting sex so much, but it's just a natural part of who I am. I think he secretly enjoys the fact that I want him so much. In fact, I know he does. He pretends to hold out because he likes to watch me try to convince him to "give me a dose of painkillers". I found that little tidbit out last night, and I pretended offense, but I find it just as fun as he does to try to convince him, so the game will go on.

Summary: getting the medical help I need, despite our financial hardships. (Payment plans FTW!) Life is good. I love my husband, and I love being married. Took some meds, I feel good, and I borrowed some books from the library so I've been reading like crazy lately. I've been more fatigued than usual, so it's a good past-time.

You know what? Today was a good day, and I'm proud of myself.

I know, I know... what a shift from my sobfest of last night, right? Yes, well... here's the thing about emotions: they're subject to change. That's why you can't base your decisions solely on them. Sure, they have their place as informants, but man, they can be fickle little things!

I did good today, y'all. And I'm not just talking about productivity levels, but more about being aware of myself and what I have to give... counting my spoons, if you will. I'm very tired, but I didn't overdo it. I almost did a few times, but caught myself before I went too far.

Productivity-wise, what did I do today? I'm so glad you asked! I'll tell you :)

I was supposed to go into work today, but a family emergency of some sort canceled that, so I got to sleep in. I was grateful, because I woke up at 8:30 from pain. I took a pain killer and a hot shower (Yaaaaay! I showered today! lol) and was able to drift back off to sleep around 10:30. It was nice, because I got to cuddle with C all snuggly and warm.

When he got up at 1 to get ready for work, I decided to wake up as well. I stayed in bed for a few hours doing internet stuffs, then arose and got ready for the day. I made the bed, opened the doors for some fresh air, and proceeded to clean. I knew that I would have to be careful not to push myself too far, as cleaning is one of the things that I get carried away with super easy. I tidied up the bathroom and fixed the shower curtain that I'd been wanting to work on for a couple of weeks. Then I got my roomie to do his dishes, did my dishes, wiped down all the kitchen counters and swept the floor. It was at this point that I realized that I would need to stop soon, but I was able to vacuum the main living area before I had to go lie down. (I was literally telling myself, "Go lay down, you need to lay down... now. Right now. Go lay down.") (Also, lie vs. lay. I never can remember which is which. I should google that.)

After a short rest, I took S to his friends' house, dropped off my laundry, hit up Wal-Mart for a couple of groceries and the final part of K's gift, then I jetted over to the mall to catch a free, open-air jazz concert with my friend C. The concert was really cool, and I'm glad I went. It got chilly after the sun set so my joints started complaining, and I was getting really hungry, so I ended up leaving before it was done, but it was great nonetheless. I had planned on visiting another store while I was there at the mall, but I knew that to do that would definitely be pushing myself past my limits.

I went home, ate, and rested up before I went back for the next step of my laundry. Then I pretty much just hung out on the internet until C got home.

Also, today I talked to my mom! I'd been feeling as though she'd been distancing herself from me lately, and it hurt... especially because she's one of my best friends, and I'm going through a lot right now, and I really need her support and advice. And with the wedding looming? I'm nervous and scared and slightly overwhelmed, and I really need her right now. To put it simply, I still need a mommy! So I wrote her a message about this, and we talked about it. Sure enough, she's dealing with a lot, as I suspected, and is very overwhelmed herself right now. (She assures me that my needing her is not a burden, which I'm grateful for.) She was kind of backing off, not wanting to take up my spoons and wear me out, but I insisted that I'd gladly use a spoon or five or fifteen to talk to her. Long story short? We're good, and it was not a big deal, really. Just a small bump in the road that was easily corrected with some clear, honest communication :)

Did I mention that I treated myself today? That blog post I read yesterday (the one that kicked my butt, remember?) had some really good advice in it. One of those pieces of advice was to reward yourself for your accomplishments. Not only was today a good day, but I've been trying really hard lately to be good to myself and keep balanced, and I'm proud of myself for that, too. So while I was at Wal-Mart, I was rooting around in the $5 movie bin and found a Planet Earth dvd and a Blue Planet dvd... and I got them! Not only is it a reward/treat for myself because I've been doing so well, but it's an investment for those future days when I'm not feeling well and end up on the couch watching movies. So it's a reward and an investment! Am I good, or am I good? :)

I'm tired. Very, very tired. I didn't overdo it, but I am ready for bed... especially because the gal I'm tutoring is coming over at 10 am tomorrow. Also, hopefully C and I will be able to hit up the antique car show tomorrow! If he can't make it, I'll go on Saturday on my own. It's a kind of tradition for me to go every year, and I don't want to miss it, even if I have to go by myself. I'd much rather prefer to go with C, of course...

And, with that, I'm off!

Well, after much hard work and preparation.... I missed two questions on my A&P final. It's okay. They were questions that weren't on previous tests, so I would have had to have been studying ALL my notes from the semester to have caught them, since I didn't remember off the top of my head. 98% is not bad, and I finished the class with 801/800 points. Yay! My goal for that class was to finish with extra points, so... Mission Accomplished!

My math final is tomorrow, and I'm a little nervous... because I spent so much time studying for this other class, I have neglected to study math. That's what today is for. But it's not like I have to memorize definitions or anything... it's just working out problems, and I've already done the prep worksheet. I'm just going to go back over the worksheet and see how I worked out the problems.

I picked up my walker yesterday. The lady I bought it from was very sweet, but she said, "You look a little young to be needing a walker..." LOL! Yes, well...

I'm itching to get to work on blinging it out, but I know that I need to focus on studying first. Priorities, priorities... Once my math final is over, I can work on my walker and start packing for my trip home. I'm so excited!!

Anyway, I've settled on a name for the walker-- the Bling Chariot. It's gonna be freakin' sweet.

A post I wrote on one of the bride-sites I'm a part of...

Settling on my dress took me both more and less time than I'd expected. The problem is, I like beautiful things. And wedding dresses are, by definition, beautiful things, created to make you look beautiful (ostensibly). I both did and didn't want the big, froofy white dress. I mean, seriously, when else besides a costume party will I ever have a chance to dress up like the fairytale princess again? I'm one of those that actually want that "princess vibe", I guess.

So I saw a dress that took my breath away, a lovely and slightly unconventional Justin Alexander creation. Problem: it's in super high demand, and since my dress budget was/is on the "department store" side of things, it just wasn't going to happen. Until, that is, I found a delightful seamstress through Etsy who was willing to make the dress in my price range, and in grey to boot! I hadn't bought the dress yet, because I hadn't saved the money, but that was the dress. I mean, I was sure of it. I even found shoes. (For eight bucks. At Goodwill. Thrifting FTW!)

I don't even know how it happened. Though I had found "the dress" that I wanted, I was still window shopping like a woman possessed, because what if I found a dress that I liked better and had that "aha!" moment after I'd already ordered the one I liked? That would be a travesty!! Also, did I mention that I like beautiful things? I mean, it's not like I wasn't going to use the dress again, but... what if?

So as I'm cruising along Etsy one day, I somehow came across armstreet (Shameless plug: http://www.etsy.com/shop/armstreet), and fell in love with their "Autumn Princess" dress. I mean, in love. But... it's flax and linen. And green. And not... a wedding dress. Won't my more traditional fiance be appalled? It's not like I care whether it's a "wedding dress" or not, but this is so obviously NOT a standard wedding dress that I at first tried to think of ways to make it more "wedding-y". Could they, perhaps, make it in the natural off white flax? And maybe with a different trim? (Though I think now that the natural flax and green trim would also be stunning.) After several days of clicking back to that particular dress at least 6 times a day, I finally came to grips with the fact that I loved this dress. And I will wear it so much more often than the other froofy princess-ier dress. (Hello, Ren Faire!) And it looks fantastic in green. And I happen to look good in green. And it's slightly cheaper than the other dress. And seriously, how romantic would it be to wear my wedding dress to the very Ren Faire that we began dating at?

So I finally embraced the true speakings of my spirit and bought the dress. (Once I had enough money, of course.) It was a little sad, putting away that hopeful princess that I'd carried around for so long, but I've realized that I'm really more of an Irish princess, anyway. And besides, princesses have to keep their elbows off of the table and all other sorts of annoying things, so it's just as well.

Since I settled on and subsequently ordered my delightful green gown, I haven't looked at other dresses. I was afraid, I guess, that I'd get buyer's remorse. I already had some pretty heady and slightly complex issues come up after buying my dress in the first place, mostly having to do with money and the spending thereof, and I didn't want or need any other complications.

However, the past couple of days I've found myself window shopping again, even after ordering my dress. I see these frothy white concoctions, or their slim ivory counterparts, and you know what?

I am so, so satisfied with my choice. It is an echo, an outpouring, of who I am. Yes, I could play the princess for a day. I've kind of always wanted to. But rather than indulging just one aspect of my self for one day, I've found a way to encompass multiple aspects of my self in a way that will last for much longer than a scattered day or two. Also, helpfully... my mate is fine with my wearing green down the aisle. Also also? The dress is called Autumn Princess, for crying out loud! I will be a princess, after all.