I took my placement tests today.

The proctors informed me yesterday that, contrary to what the advisor said, the testing would take anywhere from two to two and a half hours. (Rather than the 30 or so minutes the advisor suggested!)

So, since yesterday was very hectic for me, I let it slide until today. I ate protein for breakfast, psyched myself up for a long, grueling series of tests, and... finished in half an hour flat.

Hmmm.

So, final scores? 120 for sentence structure (a.k.a "which English class do you qualify for?"), 118 for reading comprehension (a.k.a. "can you read well enough to even BE here?"), and 45 for basic algebra (a.k.a "we're secretly one large group of sado-masochists--join us!").

Tomorrow, I can hop online and register for my courses, and Monday, I should be able to call the financial aid department and get my finances squared away. (However, tomorrow, I'll be driiiiiving, so I think I'll wait until Friday.)

Ahh, yes. Tomorrow, I'll be driving "home"! I'm barely squeaking by with enough gas money to make the round-trip, but I can do it, and I'm going to!

Excuse: "I need to get the rest of my stuff!"
Reality: "I really just want to see my friends and my cat again, and I don't have any good place to put the stuff I'm bringing back with me."

Needless to say, I'm super stoked. Getting ready has been stressful, per usual for a big trip, but the excitement cancels out all the other stuff.

I have to pack my car, then I'll take a good solid nap before heading out about midnight.

P.S.-- Am I the only one that thinks about "what if I die in a car crash on my way"? Actually, I think about that a lot... the fragility of life. I have all these plans and hopes for the future, but what kind of safeguard is that? None, really. C and I say, "See you tonight," when he leaves for work, but how can we know that we really will? We can't. I just hope every day that the words will prove true.

And so I tell my friends, "See you in a couple of days! I'm so excited!" but really, there's no guarantee I'll even make it there, or make it back. Everything can change in just a few seconds.

Is that unnerving to anyone else? I mean, sure, it adds that flavor and dimension to life that could never be there if everything were flat and assured, but still... it savors of possible loss, and I don't like it. We can assume that everything will go on as normal, because for a lot of people it does... but not for everyone. And what if I'm part of that other portion someday soon?

I know, I know... somber thoughts for an exciting adventure.

I guess the best you can do is live so that you would not regret anything at any given moment. Do the dishes before you leave the house. Make the bed. Kiss your mate. Post that blog post. Read that book. Pray that prayer. Do whatever you must... but have no regrets.

If I died tonight... the only regret I would have is that I didn't get to see my plans fulfilled. Oh, and that I didn't actually get to eat a piece of cheesecake. ^_^

Today I lost a friend of mine
I never even got to say goodbye
I thought we had time to burn
But life is short
You only get one turn

Whoa,gone before you know
Whoa,so make the most

We're not indestructible
Our lives are unpredictable
It can turn on a dime
So now is the time
Don't wait
Don't wait
Gotta live today
Gotta live today
Today


So here I am wide awake
Blinded by a brand new day
Every breath given to me
Is a gift I want to redeem

Whoa,the minutes they unwind
Whoa,so I gotta make the time

Cause we're not indestructible
Our lives are unpredictable
It can turn on a dime
So now is the time
Don't wait
Don't wait

We're not indestructible
Our lives are all predictable
It can turn on a dime
On a dime
Don't wait
Don't wait

In the blink of an eye
You snap and time goes by
Time goes by

We'll wonder where it all went
If we forget
So don't forget

We're not indestructible
Our lives are unpredictable
It can turn on a dime
So now is the time
Don't wait
Don't wait

We're not indestructible
Our lives are unpredictable
It can turn on a dime
On a dime
So don't wait
Don't wait
Gotta live today
You gotta live today
Don't wait (x2)

Don't wait
Don't wait
You gotta live today

Yesterday, I took the leap-- I applied to the local community college. I went and checked it out, and the timing works great, it's cheaper, blah blah blah, all those things that R brought up.

And... I'm rather excited.

I mean, I'm bummed that I'm changing plans yet again, but as C pointed out, I'm not doing it on a whim just because I feel like it. I got a significant piece of information that changed my mind and my plans, and significant input that alerted me to benefits of this route that I had not previously seriously considered.

So I did it. As soon as I can get my happy butt over to the college today, I'm going to take the placement tests.

I'm going to end up in remedial math, I'm almost sure. I looked at the study sheet and tears sprang to my eyes as a profound sense of hopelessness washed over me. I do not know how to do algebra. I remember seeing it in books and on the whiteboard at school, but I didn't pay attention in math class! I was too overwhelmed to even attempt to know what was going on. Somehow, I passed the math classes necessary to graduate, but even now, I'm not sure how that happened. I don't understand it. I can do basic math-- addition, subtraction, multiplication, division (as long as it's not a fraction), and I can find ten percent. (Go tithing! lol)

But I'm going to breeze through the reading and sentence structure parts for sure. That's always been my forte. I may not remember the definition of a dangling participle (yet), but I instinctively know when a sentence's structure is off. (For the most part.)

There are a few other things I'm excited about as well, all of them having to do with staying in Y.
- My girls have gotten attached to me, and group is going better than it has ever before. I'm stoked. These girls are actually opening up, trusting, asking questions... it's a beautiful, albeit hard, thing. I'm glad I can stay.
- C and I finished pre-marital counseling yesterday, and I feel really good about this match. I'm more convinced than ever about our compatibility and our communication. We've talked about a lot of things that I might not have thought about otherwise, until they came up as a problem, and I feel confident in our ability and dedication to make this marriage last a long, long time... Like, until one of us dies.
- Fr. B said that we can get married in his church. I've visited there a few times, and that's where we go for counseling, and that's where HJ is located for now, so it's dear to my heart, and it is beautiful. It will be easy to decorate, too. Also, Fr. B will be the one performing our ceremony. So, it's just waiting 'till C proposes, then I can start planning in earnest. :) And saving money.
- C got that 20 days off in August that he had put in for, back when we were going to go up to ID together. He never re-applied, but they gave it to him! So, we may take a visit up there for a week or so, and he mentioned that the time off would be the perfect time to go house-hunting. If he remembers, he's going to visit the bank this week to get pre-approved for a loan. It's happening. It's really happening! And I'm rather almost deliriously happy about it!
- Last night I broke the news to E that I was staying, and she screamed! (In a good way!) The girls and some of the ladies knew I was going to tell her, so they hung around, waiting to hear, and they're all excited and happy about it too.

E's husband was happy when she told him, too, although he did mention to me that he had thought it was selfish of me to be leaving. That bothered me a little, until I realized that it might have appeared that way, but my motivations weren't selfish, and I really can't control how other people interpret my actions, so it's okay. I just didn't realize how much E depends on me, and how stressed she was over my leaving. It's a little overwhelming, because I didn't necessarily sign up to be the right-hand man, you know? It's just kind of happened... but I think it's okay. It'll be okay. I just have to make sure I keep healthy boundaries, and say "no" when I need to.

It still bothers me a little, though... because my caveat when I took the job was, "Okay, but you realize I'm going to school, right? This is just until I go away to school." I stated that from the beginning.

Now I feel better, remembering that. I did say that at the beginning. I wasn't being selfish--I was following through with my pre-stated goals.

Yup. I do feel better. Absolved, in a way.

Funny how that works, huh?

Okay, back to being deliriously happy. (I'm gonna milk it while it lasts!)

Just tentatively said yes to leading DV group this week as well. :-\

L's out of town, E's out of town, so...

I'll have a co-pilot, though, and the material will be provided. *Whew*. It's just a matter of facilitating.

Can I do it? Of course I can! The change comes from within the ladies, as they relate to the material. I'm just there to make sure we get out on time! lol

I refuse to even think for a second that "I cannot do this," because I can. Young or not, I've got insights, because I've lived through it.

...Right?

Quote session from the book I'm reading today!

All quotes are from Chapter 2-- "Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough"

"When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness--the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don't fit in with who we think we're supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness--that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging--lives inside of our story.

The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:
-I'll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds.
-I'll be worthy if I can get pregnant.
-I'll be worthy if I can get/stay sober.
-I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good parent.
(etc.)

Here's what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.

In addition to letting go of the ifs and whens, another critical piece of owning our story and claiming our worthiness is cultivating a better understanding of love and belonging. Oddly enough, we desperately need both, but rarely talk about what they really are and how they work..."

"A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering."

"Love:
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.


Belonging:
Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

"It's worth noting that I use the words innate and primal in the definition of belonging. I'm convinced that belonging is in our DNA, most likely connected to our most primitive survival instinct. Given how difficult it is to cultivate self-acceptance in our perfectionist society and how our need for belonging is hard-wired, it's no wonder that we spend our lives trying to fit in and gain approval.

It's so much easier to say, 'I'll be whoever or whatever you need me to be, as long as I feel like I'm a part of this.' From gangs (to church--my insertion here) to gossiping, we'll do what it takes to fit in if we believe it will meet our need for belonging. But it doesn't. We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we're embraced for who we are."

I've made my choice.

Maybe a bit impulsive, but I see the clear benefits.

It just seems like too much of a wide, inviting possibility for me to walk away from it.

Not that it doesn't come with its own prickles and spears of fear.

I... am afraid.

I'm afraid to settle down.

Change... it's what my family does best. We adapt. We flex. More than that...we move. New apartment, new city, new state, whatever. More than the average person, I suppose.

The wanderlust was bred right into me. (In addition, dysfunctional dynamics always require and instill a certain level of constant shifting, moving, changing, running.)

Then... we stayed in one place. For, like, 5 years. The longest I'd lived in one place in my whole life.

And then I escaped. I went away to school.

I came back, presumably to settle down, but the family was gone. I was isolated, lonely, depressed... restless...

So I left again. Bible college, this time. And oh, what a college. Constantly on the road---this city, that city, this state, that state... I think the longest I was ever in one place was our several month practicum. Always on the move.

It was familiar, if stressful. Then again, life before had been familiar, if stressful, non?

Then I graduated. I had no job, no place to live... but by the skin of my teeth, I got a job in ID a few weeks after graduation.

So I moved again. But the job wasn't for me-- I hated it. I was festering and crumbling on the inside, keening death-wails and tortured sobs of grief that few could hear through the thick, shiny veneer of Bible Worker that I had pasted on. So I quit, shortly after moving again.

This time... I stayed. I stayed for a while. Over a year. And--get this-- I thought I could stay. I mean, long term. I was ready for it. But, as tends to happen, the proverbial excrement began its inevitable ascent towards the oscillating cooling device, and... I moved.

Well, this time, I was going to move anyway, but it happened quicker than I had been anticipating.

So here I am, faced with the decision to settle down, or move.

I'll give one guess as to which I'm inclined towards.

I'm scared to try life, scared that I won't be able to hack it... I mean, who blames a nomad for being poor? They are not in one place long enough to accumulate any wealth to speak of. Who blames a nomad for having few meaningful relationships, or for being reticent and uninvolved in a community or church body?

When you're on the move, it frees you from so many responsibilities... preserves so much energy that would be expended in all these other places like family or friends or church or community or, heaven forbid, work.

I'm scared to try this serious relationship long-term. I've been told over and over again that "unless your relationship is built on God, it won't work, it's going to fail and be bitter and miserable and you'll realize too late you made a mistake". You know what? I think that's a lie, if it's presented as the determinate factor between success and failure. It's a contributing factor, but I don't think it's the thing that makes the difference between success and failure.

I think that there is more to it than that.

I think your souls have to be aligned at the deep level, and that's what a common belief in God does for you. But it's much more than that, so much more. (If it weren't, then what's the excuse for any divorce among Christians?)

And I realized today that I've heard this so much that I was believing that C and I couldn't ever really work. But you know what? I didn't know that we couldn't until I was told so. I never wanted to leave until I was told that it was bad for us to be together.

I've been scared to follow this to its natural conclusion, scared that what I've been told will be reality and that our compatibility and our commitment and our love will not be enough, will never be enough, for lack of this one element. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Brilliant, really.

But... it's not true.

And I also realized today that I really, really resent the attempts of Christianity to weaken and minimize the individual, to discount and force a surrender of the innate strength of a human soul. I don't think that is how God meant it to be. I resent anything that tells me I am not strong, that I am not capable. Because I am. I may be weak at times, but even in my weakness, there is an undeniable strength. God did not save me from being abused, so I took care of myself. I found ways to cope, to keep myself sane, to make it through. I had a really rough start, and maybe God allowed it to be that way for a reason that I don't understand, but I got myself through. And I'm not about to stop now. I'm going to take care of myself, because I can and I am capable of doing so. I refuse to be a weak person, even if I do have weak moments. They are undergirded with strength by my decision to keep pushing through, putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how difficult it becomes or how infinitesimal the progress seems.

If I can somehow reconcile this inner strength of mine with the teachings of God and his Jesus, then I will be a Jesus follower. If I find that Jesus' teachings are asking me to become helpless, then I will be a follower of the Creator and none other. If I find the Creator to be Yahweh, then I will follow him.

So far, I'm becoming sure that the Bible is no collection of myths-- it's historically verifiable, at least in a general sense. (Granted, not every specific has been proven, and I don't think that will ever be the case. But it's enough, for me.) These are the memories and tales of real people.

But I've decided... I don't want to flee anymore. I don't want to run away, frightened, any longer.

I want to stand my ground and be strong.

Even if that means... committing to something, or someone, or someplace... for the rest of my natural life.

And this is one thing that I can feel good about committing to. He keeps proving it to me over and over again. The way he interacts with my soul and my mind... his gentle compassion yet unyielding intellectualism... is a compelling paradox. And the way he supports me in my times of weakness let me know that this is a man I can depend on to guard my very life.

So... I get the man I love, and to pursue the career I'm dreaming of, and continue the ministry I've been given... all in one option.

Who could say no?

Why would I say no, but for fear?

I will flee no longer.

Got a message from another friend. B, to be specific.

He says:

Hi C,

    I am unable to sleep, I'm not sure if it's because of an extremely active evening of racquetball, or a mis-interpreted FB message, maybe you can help.

    Let me begin by telling you how I am soooo looking forward to playing racquetball with you in the Heavenly courts where we'll use the power of thought for racquets, and the stars for balls, deflecting them off walls that don't exist. Can you imagine how wonderful that will be!

   CONCERN:   Your choice of words in reply to your mom's FB message  " Are you hiding under my bed? C and I were JUST talking about graphene last night! Odd..." is troubling me.

Please don't misunderstand my motives, I am your friend, and I'm concerned for you.

B

I replied:

B,

I, too, am looking forward to playing racquetball--albeit a little sooner, and I'm pretty sure O doesn't qualify as Heaven, so... ;)

I appreciate that you care, but I don't understand what your concern is. I see nothing wrong with the message, and I don't know how you interpreted, or misinterpreted, the post.

C

Now, I suppose that might be a bit of a mistruth. I think I know what concerns him, but I don't want to jump to any unsubstantiated conclusions.

I'm pretty sure he's worried that a.) C and I are back together, or b.) that C and I are sharing the same bed. Either one could reasonably inferred from the statement. They're both true, and he may very well be inferring both conclusions. And, knowing his conservative religious stance... I can see how that would be a problem for him. (Of course, it could be true that I was talking to C on the phone while in my room, or it could also be true that C and I were simply talking about graphene, with the "under my bed" simply being an expression of speech meant to signify an uncanny awareness of my activities.)

However... it somewhat galls me that he should be the one claiming concern for my emotional or relational life when he was the one who took me on that long, horrific, awkward emotional trip. Really? Really?! I think not.

I appreciate the concern, in a perfunctory fashion. But I'm getting tired of well-meaning friends trying to guilt-trip me back into the church, or away from C. I'm an adult now, tu sabes? So... basically... step off. I've made my choice, although some may not know that. (For instance, the friends I'm having supper with tonight...)

And perhaps I've erred in being secretive in this regard. I just really, really, really don't feel like expending the emotional energy to constantly defend my choice. The problem is that most of those I've surrounded myself with in the past few years-- my chosen culture-- are the type to see this choice as wrong and challenge it. So you see how much easier it is to be quiet, rather than brazen and flaunting...

Oh. Does it appear that I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm being secretive? Hmmm... it might. That hadn't really occurred to me.

Well, if anyone asks me, I'll tell them the truth. I'm still not going to flaunt it. But I'm not going to work as hard at being evasive.

It's funny... when you don't have an institution or a peer group or a bunch of leaders (purposely or inadvertently) pressuring you to make certain choices and adopt a certain lifestyle... you revert to who you really are. When there's no fear of abandonment or rejection... you can make the choices that you want to.

And I feel like I've been transported back to my high-school self in terms of values and choices, but more skilled, wiser, and more mature this time around.

I wonder if I've been the same person underneath, all this time, just afraid to let myself show?

Note: Got a letter from B later that basically said my reply had abated his concern, and he has thoroughly been enjoying racquetball. So... my curiosity remains. What was he thinking??