Selfish? ...Naaaaah.

Yesterday, I took the leap-- I applied to the local community college. I went and checked it out, and the timing works great, it's cheaper, blah blah blah, all those things that R brought up.

And... I'm rather excited.

I mean, I'm bummed that I'm changing plans yet again, but as C pointed out, I'm not doing it on a whim just because I feel like it. I got a significant piece of information that changed my mind and my plans, and significant input that alerted me to benefits of this route that I had not previously seriously considered.

So I did it. As soon as I can get my happy butt over to the college today, I'm going to take the placement tests.

I'm going to end up in remedial math, I'm almost sure. I looked at the study sheet and tears sprang to my eyes as a profound sense of hopelessness washed over me. I do not know how to do algebra. I remember seeing it in books and on the whiteboard at school, but I didn't pay attention in math class! I was too overwhelmed to even attempt to know what was going on. Somehow, I passed the math classes necessary to graduate, but even now, I'm not sure how that happened. I don't understand it. I can do basic math-- addition, subtraction, multiplication, division (as long as it's not a fraction), and I can find ten percent. (Go tithing! lol)

But I'm going to breeze through the reading and sentence structure parts for sure. That's always been my forte. I may not remember the definition of a dangling participle (yet), but I instinctively know when a sentence's structure is off. (For the most part.)

There are a few other things I'm excited about as well, all of them having to do with staying in Y.
- My girls have gotten attached to me, and group is going better than it has ever before. I'm stoked. These girls are actually opening up, trusting, asking questions... it's a beautiful, albeit hard, thing. I'm glad I can stay.
- C and I finished pre-marital counseling yesterday, and I feel really good about this match. I'm more convinced than ever about our compatibility and our communication. We've talked about a lot of things that I might not have thought about otherwise, until they came up as a problem, and I feel confident in our ability and dedication to make this marriage last a long, long time... Like, until one of us dies.
- Fr. B said that we can get married in his church. I've visited there a few times, and that's where we go for counseling, and that's where HJ is located for now, so it's dear to my heart, and it is beautiful. It will be easy to decorate, too. Also, Fr. B will be the one performing our ceremony. So, it's just waiting 'till C proposes, then I can start planning in earnest. :) And saving money.
- C got that 20 days off in August that he had put in for, back when we were going to go up to ID together. He never re-applied, but they gave it to him! So, we may take a visit up there for a week or so, and he mentioned that the time off would be the perfect time to go house-hunting. If he remembers, he's going to visit the bank this week to get pre-approved for a loan. It's happening. It's really happening! And I'm rather almost deliriously happy about it!
- Last night I broke the news to E that I was staying, and she screamed! (In a good way!) The girls and some of the ladies knew I was going to tell her, so they hung around, waiting to hear, and they're all excited and happy about it too.

E's husband was happy when she told him, too, although he did mention to me that he had thought it was selfish of me to be leaving. That bothered me a little, until I realized that it might have appeared that way, but my motivations weren't selfish, and I really can't control how other people interpret my actions, so it's okay. I just didn't realize how much E depends on me, and how stressed she was over my leaving. It's a little overwhelming, because I didn't necessarily sign up to be the right-hand man, you know? It's just kind of happened... but I think it's okay. It'll be okay. I just have to make sure I keep healthy boundaries, and say "no" when I need to.

It still bothers me a little, though... because my caveat when I took the job was, "Okay, but you realize I'm going to school, right? This is just until I go away to school." I stated that from the beginning.

Now I feel better, remembering that. I did say that at the beginning. I wasn't being selfish--I was following through with my pre-stated goals.

Yup. I do feel better. Absolved, in a way.

Funny how that works, huh?

Okay, back to being deliriously happy. (I'm gonna milk it while it lasts!)

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