Went to go pay on my bill for my upcoming classes (today was the. last. day. to pay anything. It's not that I was procrastinating-- I purposely waited until the last day so that it would give me as much time as possible to pay off my credit card). The balance was all fine and dandy, but there was a $25 enrollment fee that was unexpected. Do you know what the total came out to?

One dollar over my credit limit.

That's right. Foiled, by one measly dollar!

So I did what any self-respecting college student would do... and called my daddy.

Essentially, we just cut the middleman (me) out of our plan, which was originally to have me pay with my credit card, then him give me money when it came due, then for me to pay him back when financial aid came through.

So, challenge for today: be okay with myself and don't hate myself or jump down my own throat, even though my bank account is literally at $0.00 in both savings and checking.

I guess now, when I say "I don't have the money for that" it's a literal truth, rather than a coy way of saying "I don't want to pay for this".

It's gonna be okay.

It has to be.

(P.S.-- Did you know that the city where I live has the number one unemployment rate in the country? Nothing like a little dose of statistics to brighten an otherwise dull day ^_^)

It's rather unnerving when life is going well.

I keep waiting for the axe to fall.

And at times it does, but only within my own mind.

I was so happy yesterday morning, only to have the waves of self-recrimination and doubt follow close upon the heels of my relief. And why?

Perhaps I simply cannot bear to allow myself to be happy for any length of time. R is like that.

But I am happy... on a deeper level, beyond the shifting sands of my emotions. I am satisfied. Perhaps that's a better way to put it. I like my life. I rather even like who I am. (At least, for now...)

Granted, there are still the strands of uncertainty that weave their way through my consciousness. Everything I love and hold dear can be snatched from me at any moment-- such is the nature of life on Earth. Nothing is certain, really. I can either fight that, or accept it.

Maybe it's the path of acceptance and intentionally striving for whole-hearted living that brings peace.

It is my intent to find out.

At the gentle questioning of a friend, it occurred to me that I haven't bothered to come back and note that I'm doing okay (for now).

Sabbath was better. Sunday was better yet, and today hasn't been too bad.

I made pancakes on Sunday, which were fantastic. However, I slept in today, which I'm not so thrilled with. (A consequence of staying up until 4 a.m.... again.) I got most of what I needed to done, and I'm adopting the attitude, "What will be will be, and I'm just going to do what I can and not worry about the rest." It's helping me tremendously to fight back the panic and overwhelmed-ness.

I hear there're a few jobs open for students at the base, and I'm going to get an application tomorrow.

Read a few interesting things this weekend (thank you, Cracked!) that helped me get a reality check on my expectations for my life. It disheartens me that things aren't easy, but why should they be? Why can't I do hard things? I can, you know. I have before. As much as I really prefer not to be working and somehow miraculously able to survive anyhow, I know that I can endure even awful working situations, because I have before.

So, I guess the possibility of things being hard holds less of a panic trigger for me. I'm making my peace with it, and I think it'll be okay.

Went with some friends to work out at the gym on base tonight, and it was a little awkward, since there were a lot of Marines there, and I don't like large groups of people. Especially people that look at you when you walk through a door. I could flatter myself and think that they were watching me because I'm attractive, but more likely it's that they were watching me because I walked through a door into a room that they were already in. That's kind of what people do.

I'm optimistic for now. Still trying to walk forward with God.

Went to a wedding this weekend. It was sweet and simple. Gave me an idea for where I want to have my reception.

Also, found out that I'm going to be auntie to a little niece this November! :D :D :D
I'm SO looking forward to indulging my mothering instincts on the wee lass.

Oh yeah, and I love my boyfriend. He's so good to me.

Thus ends another not-so-eventful weekend.

Behold, the rise of Vivian... yet again.

It's been a while.

I'm on this wild roller coaster ride of emotion tonight.

It's a battle, that's for sure.

Interesting note: I've been off of my natural anti-depressant for a few days, since I ran out and don't have the money to get more, and I've had 3 bad days in a row. That hasn't happened in some time.

Coincidence? Probably not.

But this is the kick in the butt I need to get myself back to a counselor, I think.

Just another thing to add to the to-do list.

Shut up, Vivian.

And on the other hand...

Why can't I be compassionate with myself??

Seriously?

Why can't my default be to just be kind to myself?

Like, okay, awesome. I set boundaries! And I'm trying to overcome this, instead of complacently wallowing in my panic.

One step at a time, yeah?

This is just a part of recovery.

I don't have to be perfect today, or tomorrow, or even the day after, as a matter of fact.

You know what?

I won't be perfect. I just won't.

But I'm moving forward, desirous of change. It'll come. Maybe not instantaneously, but it'll come.

I just have to keep doing my best. That's all anyone can ask, and if they ask more, then too bad, because I can only give what I have to give and no more.

I have limitations. I would do well to acknowledge them, work with them, and strive. Strive like hell. But acknowledge my limitations and not hate myself for them.

Thank you, Jesus, for speaking to my heart and giving me hope.

Sometimes all I can do is cry out, Lord, what?!

And still you speak.

Was it You who spoke the earth to be?
And wrapped it all in mystery
For the taking
For the taking
Is it me who turned away my soul?
From evidence so beautiful
That You gave me
That You gave me
When I’ve fallen in the shadows of the sun
Only You remain the hope of what’s to come

Cause on a night like tonight
You bring me to life
And remind me there’s another side of day
Where I will see all that You are
More than a sky full of stars
And the worries of this world will fall away
On the other side of day

Is it time that gets the best of us?
Reminding all the rest of us
That it’s fading
Yeah, it’s fading
Oh, but You still hold the hands of time
And pave the way to paradise
Can You take me?
Can You take me?
Cause the world is just a shadow of the sun
Only You remain the hope of what’s to come

Cause on a night like tonight
You bring me to life
And remind me there’s another side of day
Where I will see all that You are
More than a sky full of stars
And the worries of this world will fall away
On the other side of day

Where all who are alone
Finally make it home
To a world of wonder
Where love is not a lie
And all who seek will find
Their search is finally over

Cause on a night like tonight
You bring me to life
And remind me there’s another side of day
Where I will see all that You are
More than a sky full of stars
And the worries of this world will fall away
On the other side of day

You've got my attention
There's no need to hurt yourself this way
You think no one will notice you're feeling
When you cry yourself to sleep

You feel stuck on the outside looking inside
Wishing this life wasn't your life
And you think you're damaged way beyond repair
Well you're not so far that I can't get to where you are

Chorus
You wish you were someone else
Every night you fall to pieces
Knowing you can't save yourself
I can see you, I can hear you
There's a place where the broken go
There's a room full of second chances
You're not stranded on your own
You're not invisible

I'm ready to listen
There's no need to hold it all inside
The smallest whisper
I hear it when your strength has all but died

I need you to believe me, can you trust me
That what you see, is not what I see
The reflection in the mirror's telling lies
Cause nothing you have done could change how much I love you

Bridge
You're not invisible
I can see you as you're falling on your knees
You're not invisible to Me


I get overwhelmed so easily... it is a puzzling plague that I do not know how to lift.


It's like my depression... I'm not really sure where it comes from, why it strikes, or why it's so intense... but I do know it's crippling and I don't know how to rise above it.


I was talking to E about my role in the HJ. I want to help out as much as possible, but I also want to be sure not to overwhelm myself.


The problem is... I get overwhelmed so easily... and she wants to stack all this responsibility on me, because I'm one of the few people she trusts... but everything is still so disorganized and grassroots, and there's so much to be done... I just... shut down. Just thinking about it.


And I'm frustrated with myself (read: caustically bitter and condescending) for being overwhelmed when I have nothing to be overwhelmed about. I'm not doing anything, and I can't even handle that?! I might as well just quit life, because clearly I can't muster the maturity needed to take it in stride.


Yes, I'm still pissed at myself for not having a paying job. I'm still super pissed that I have descended to the level of looking to others to support me.


And yet... I don't hate S for being in the same boat. Why is that? Why is it only me that's the bad person for being in this situation, for allowing myself to be in this situation?


WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!


How can I hope to help other people when I cower from the weight that accompanies it?


So I'm agitated. I don't know the solution to this, except to keep plugging away at my large to-do list that I've written out for myself. 


There's nothing else to do, really.


And I'm sad, because I want to be strong. I want to be good. I want to be Superwoman.


But I'm not.


I'm overwhelmed... with nothing on my plate.


sigh.


(and I do... want to hurt myself. Like it would help me be better? Hardly. Then I'd just have something else to hate myself for. But I feel like it would ease some of the anger and maybe bleed the agitation out of me.)

I never, ever thought I'd be doing this, but...

I'm having C help me roll up a character for DnD.

Yeah. Let the geekdom commence.

It's funny, because I used to think that DnD was like a Ouija board, you know? It was one of those taboo things that only Satan worshippers did, because it channeled evil spirits and sacrificed your soul and whatever.

Guess what? Not true.

It's just a tabletop role playing game. Like the SIMS, but not virtual. And so not a direct channel to Satan.

I mean, I guess you could use it that way, if you wanted to... just like most other things.

These guys just like to play together in a way that activates their imaginations and lets them kick back and have fun without worrying about their lives or the pressures thereof for a while.

And I think I could use some of that.

Honestly, I was resistant for many different reasons. First of all, what will my church friends think?! It's another step in my degradation, or so they would consider it. (Due to the aforementioned stereotype and, honestly, the name itself.)

Secondly, you can pretty much be whoever and whatever you want in the game. You can act out... whatever you want. And that is scary. Why? Because I've spent so long carefully crafting and controlling my personality that the option to "act out", so to speak, is a threat.

But that, honestly, is one of the things that finally convinced me. In the book Boundaries In Dating, the authors speak about the issues that come from not being able to integrate one's good and bad selves into one cohesive person, and how that leads to relationship issues and personhood issues and all kinds of messiness. For me, I see this as being therapeutic, in a way-- a safe place to learn how to integrate the "badness" that I'm so reluctant to admit to in my public life. Here on this blog, I have no facades. In real life, however... I'm not nearly as open. But I do want to learn how to be a balanced person, a real, authentic, imperfect person who accepts herself for who she is instead of constantly castigating herself for what she is not or what she should be... and I see this as a good avenue toward that.

The possibility and certainty of making mistakes is daunting. But I want to overcome that fear.

The final straw, however, was that C is going to be playing racquetball with me once a week, so it's only fair that I play one of his games with him. Give and take, you know? Plus I knew it would make him super happy, 'cause he's a nerd like that. An adorable, adorable nerd.

Plus, it will help me become more proficient with math. (Yet another reason why my initial response was, "Gag me with a spoon!")

Cons? They've taken to staying up late (although C has been desirous of change in that area), and I don't do so well late at night anymore. Plus, if I'm working, I'll have to get up at a decent hour... but the understanding is that people leave when they need to.

So, anyway, I've made the decision. I'll be a human druid for this campaign, though I'm not entirely sure what my alignment will be yet. Probably chaotic good. (I'll have to do another post on "alignment" sometime soon. It's really intriguing. This game is startlingly insightful to the mind of humanity.)