Agitated & Overwhelmed (again)

You've got my attention
There's no need to hurt yourself this way
You think no one will notice you're feeling
When you cry yourself to sleep

You feel stuck on the outside looking inside
Wishing this life wasn't your life
And you think you're damaged way beyond repair
Well you're not so far that I can't get to where you are

You wish you were someone else
Every night you fall to pieces
Knowing you can't save yourself
I can see you, I can hear you
There's a place where the broken go
There's a room full of second chances
You're not stranded on your own
You're not invisible

I'm ready to listen
There's no need to hold it all inside
The smallest whisper
I hear it when your strength has all but died

I need you to believe me, can you trust me
That what you see, is not what I see
The reflection in the mirror's telling lies
Cause nothing you have done could change how much I love you

You're not invisible
I can see you as you're falling on your knees
You're not invisible to Me

I get overwhelmed so easily... it is a puzzling plague that I do not know how to lift.

It's like my depression... I'm not really sure where it comes from, why it strikes, or why it's so intense... but I do know it's crippling and I don't know how to rise above it.

I was talking to E about my role in the HJ. I want to help out as much as possible, but I also want to be sure not to overwhelm myself.

The problem is... I get overwhelmed so easily... and she wants to stack all this responsibility on me, because I'm one of the few people she trusts... but everything is still so disorganized and grassroots, and there's so much to be done... I just... shut down. Just thinking about it.

And I'm frustrated with myself (read: caustically bitter and condescending) for being overwhelmed when I have nothing to be overwhelmed about. I'm not doing anything, and I can't even handle that?! I might as well just quit life, because clearly I can't muster the maturity needed to take it in stride.

Yes, I'm still pissed at myself for not having a paying job. I'm still super pissed that I have descended to the level of looking to others to support me.

And yet... I don't hate S for being in the same boat. Why is that? Why is it only me that's the bad person for being in this situation, for allowing myself to be in this situation?


How can I hope to help other people when I cower from the weight that accompanies it?

So I'm agitated. I don't know the solution to this, except to keep plugging away at my large to-do list that I've written out for myself. 

There's nothing else to do, really.

And I'm sad, because I want to be strong. I want to be good. I want to be Superwoman.

But I'm not.

I'm overwhelmed... with nothing on my plate.


(and I do... want to hurt myself. Like it would help me be better? Hardly. Then I'd just have something else to hate myself for. But I feel like it would ease some of the anger and maybe bleed the agitation out of me.)

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